Longing For Christ, Not Heaven

[Whitacre_Girl]

I was watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader this evening and I started thinking (dangerous, I know!) but I just have this nagging issue that’s been bothering me for the longest time.

I used to be protestant, now I am Catholic (and loving it!) however there is one (and only one) real source of agony for me as a Catholic. See, when I was protestant I was part of a church that believed that you can KNOW you are going to heaven because no matter your sin, you go to heaven because you WANT to be with Jesus. This is an attitude that I carried with me coming in to the church, and now that I am diving REALLY deep into my Catholic faith, I see a lot of rules: Mortal sin, venial sin, confession, formulas, blah, blah, blah. I always saw these as tools to help us walk the path to holiness.

See, the thing is, I am very aware of sins in my life. Sins I have struggled with my whole life that I know no matter how hard I try I know I will fail again and again. There are also sins that I am told are sins but I don’t believe they are. I confess them and make contrition for having a disobedient conscience…but I live in a certain degree of fear.

See, I don’t want to go to heaven to escape hell. I don’t want to go to heaven so I can live forever, never be cold/hungry/tired/hurting. Heck, I don’t even care if I ever see my earthly loved ones in Heaven…okay, I do, but that is not the MAIN reason I want to go there. See, all the reasons given (no pain, etc.) are nice perks. But I don’t care about any of that. I want to go to heaven because I just want to be with Jesus. I don’t care about anything else. Spending eternity with Christ, even if I may just lie at the feet of his table is the deepest and most desperate desire of my heart. Yet I still sin! I feel so frustrated by this, and the fact that the church teaches that we can’t be assured of our salvation scares me to death. Is God really going to deny me if I forget to confess something? What about if there are sins I commit without knowing they are sins, or didn’t make perfect contrition because I don’t feel the conviction of the sin? Like getting mad at someone who I think deserved it, but they really didn’t?

I know I’m rambling so I’ll make this simple: it’s the not knowing that kills me. I sin, and I am an unworthy human being. I couldn’t mean the words more when I say every mass “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” I don’t care if I have to spend a thousand years in purgatory. I just don’t want to be denied being with Christ forever. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with no assurance? I feel such joy in my love of Christ…but also since I became catholic, a great fear.

 

[underacloud]

St Paul (who is very popular in protestant circles) told us to “work out your salvation with fear and trembling”.

We should fear God. We should fear the consequences of sin. This is how we develop into more holy people, by the constant struggle with sin. To be with Jesus in heaven, we must be cleansed of sin, whether through becoming less sinful in this life or via purgatory in the next.

We must also trust in the divine mercy of Christ. He wants to save us and requires only that we accept his forgiveness and turn to Him. However, we can never be assured of final salvation in this life, because we retain free will and the capacity to turn our backs to God. We can make that choice and reject the mercy of Christ, and this is why the church teaches that salvation is not a once-and-for-ever decision as it seems in most protestant faiths.

You clearly have a love for Jesus, and while you retain that love, He will not fail you.

 

[vince2paul]

If a person loves Jesus so much that he/she will do anything for Him, there is a great chance that he/she will be in heaven.

No, there is no confirmation about it, but if they truly loves Jesus, they will lead their life faithfully to Christ.

Is God really going to deny me if I forget to confess something? What about if there are sins I commit without knowing they are sins, or didn’t make perfect contrition because I don’t feel the conviction of the sin? Like getting mad at someone who I think deserved it, but they really didn’t?

If you commit grave matters, without knowing they are sins. Then they are not. I believe you already know the criteria for mortal sins; grave matter, full consent and full knowledge. So, without proper knowledge, a person can’t commit mortal sins.

Saints are sinners who kept on going.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

 

[lauraabarlow]

I find myself feeling that way, too-being that I long to be with Jesus yet fearing not quite making the mark. I know that Jesus said that you must become like a little child to enter the kingdom of God-like a child, trusting God in all matters of you life. I have anger issues at times where due to being a single mom struggling to make ends meet, I feel overwhelmed, at times. I am also like a child myself-just learned while applying for VA disability for my eye that my adhd is actually mild aspergers-I did have autistic traits as a child, making it more challenging at times for me to really feel the urgency in faith of being one with Christ-yet I have strong faith and trust in Him so I am not sure-a little messed-up, I guess in my head. I know like my children, God loves us even when we stumble for we are His children-He is the judge yet also merciful. I am not sure but just reading your posting, I can see genuine love for Jesus on your part-just keep doing what you are doing-God knows your heart better than you do-just pray that He will guide you and to seek out His will.

 

[benidict]

I was watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader this evening and I started thinking (dangerous, I know!) but I just have this nagging issue that’s been bothering me for the longest time.

I used to be protestant, now I am Catholic (and loving it!) however there is one (and only one) real source of agony for me as a Catholic. See, when I was protestant I was part of a church that believed that you can KNOW you are going to heaven because no matter your sin, you go to heaven because you WANT to be with Jesus. This is an attitude that I carried with me coming in to the church, and now that I am diving REALLY deep into my Catholic faith, I see a lot of rules: Mortal sin, venial sin, confession, formulas, blah, blah, blah. I always saw these as tools to help us walk the path to holiness.

See, the thing is, I am very aware of sins in my life. Sins I have struggled with my whole life that I know no matter how hard I try I know I will fail again and again. There are also sins that I am told are sins but I don’t believe they are. I confess them and make contrition for having a disobedient conscience…but I live in a certain degree of fear.

See, I don’t want to go to heaven to escape hell. I don’t want to go to heaven so I can live forever, never be cold/hungry/tired/hurting. Heck, I don’t even care if I ever see my earthly loved ones in Heaven…okay, I do, but that is not the MAIN reason I want to go there. See, all the reasons given (no pain, etc.) are nice perks. But I don’t care about any of that. I want to go to heaven because I just want to be with Jesus. I don’t care about anything else. Spending eternity with Christ, even if I may just lie at the feet of his table is the deepest and most desperate desire of my heart. Yet I still sin! I feel so frustrated by this, and the fact that the church teaches that we can’t be assured of our salvation scares me to death. Is God really going to deny me if I forget to confess something? What about if there are sins I commit without knowing they are sins, or didn’t make perfect contrition because I don’t feel the conviction of the sin? Like getting mad at someone who I think deserved it, but they really didn’t?

I know I’m rambling so I’ll make this simple: it’s the not knowing that kills me. I sin, and I am an unworthy human being. I couldn’t mean the words more when I say every mass “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” I don’t care if I have to spend a thousand years in purgatory. I just don’t want to be denied being with Christ forever. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with no assurance? I feel such joy in my love of Christ…but also since I became catholic, a great fear.

Hello my dear Sister. I will attempt to make this simple. First off. your heart is in the right place. You love the Lord. Second, you are cooperating with the grace he gives. The whole assurance thing is nothing to be alarmed about. Think of it this way, and we will use “yours truly” as an example. I am in Iraq/Purgatory. It is almost time to go home to Hawaii/Paradise. Now, if I just sit here, do not follow the directions, and become a slouch, then the likely hood of me getting home, becomes less. I could get shot, run over by a vehicle, or blown up. However. if I am diligent If i am doing the things I should, then there is a very good possiblity I will leave this place, hop a plane at some point and go home to Hawaii/Paradise. Do I have assurance of this? Nope. something could happen and I could go home in a silver box. But if I am doing what I am supposed to be doing, there is a good likely hood I shall see my hearts desire? Hope this helps. Peace and prayers for you. Let not your heart be troubled. :console:

 

[baltobetsy]

God is not busy laying traps for you to fall into with all the rules. He wants you with Him even more than you want to be with Him. He’s crazy in love with you. You do your part by obeying the commandments and receiving the sacraments and He will do His part by applying all that grace to your soul, and the story will have a very happy ending. It only ends badly if you purposely choose that, never by accident.

 

[Rock_Happy]

I was watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader this evening and I started thinking (dangerous, I know!) but I just have this nagging issue that’s been bothering me for the longest time.

I used to be protestant, now I am Catholic (and loving it!) however there is one (and only one) real source of agony for me as a Catholic. See, when I was protestant I was part of a church that believed that you can KNOW you are going to heaven because no matter your sin, you go to heaven because you WANT to be with Jesus. This is an attitude that I carried with me coming in to the church, and now that I am diving REALLY deep into my Catholic faith, I see a lot of rules: Mortal sin, venial sin, confession, formulas, blah, blah, blah. I always saw these as tools to help us walk the path to holiness.

See, the thing is, I am very aware of sins in my life. Sins I have struggled with my whole life that I know no matter how hard I try I know I will fail again and again. There are also sins that I am told are sins but I don’t believe they are. I confess them and make contrition for having a disobedient conscience…but I live in a certain degree of fear.

See, I don’t want to go to heaven to escape hell. I don’t want to go to heaven so I can live forever, never be cold/hungry/tired/hurting. Heck, I don’t even care if I ever see my earthly loved ones in Heaven…okay, I do, but that is not the MAIN reason I want to go there. See, all the reasons given (no pain, etc.) are nice perks. But I don’t care about any of that. I want to go to heaven because I just want to be with Jesus. I don’t care about anything else. Spending eternity with Christ, even if I may just lie at the feet of his table is the deepest and most desperate desire of my heart. Yet I still sin! I feel so frustrated by this, and the fact that the church teaches that we can’t be assured of our salvation scares me to death. Is God really going to deny me if I forget to confess something? What about if there are sins I commit without knowing they are sins, or didn’t make perfect contrition because I don’t feel the conviction of the sin? Like getting mad at someone who I think deserved it, but they really didn’t?

I know I’m rambling so I’ll make this simple: it’s the not knowing that kills me. I sin, and I am an unworthy human being. I couldn’t mean the words more when I say every mass “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” I don’t care if I have to spend a thousand years in purgatory. I just don’t want to be denied being with Christ forever. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with no assurance? I feel such joy in my love of Christ…but also since I became catholic, a great fear.

If “worthiness” were the standard, then none of us would measure up, in my opinion. We each are on our own paths, so I can’t offer much except what works for me with sin. I admit that I am powerless over my impulses, then I turn it over to God. It might sound too simple to work, but that is the beauty of it for me… that it is simple, and that it does work in the moment of temptation. I wish I could offer some great wisdom or insight, but that is it.

 

[fhansen]

I was watching The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader this evening and I started thinking (dangerous, I know!) but I just have this nagging issue that’s been bothering me for the longest time.

I used to be protestant, now I am Catholic (and loving it!) however there is one (and only one) real source of agony for me as a Catholic. See, when I was protestant I was part of a church that believed that you can KNOW you are going to heaven because no matter your sin, you go to heaven because you WANT to be with Jesus. This is an attitude that I carried with me coming in to the church, and now that I am diving REALLY deep into my Catholic faith, I see a lot of rules: Mortal sin, venial sin, confession, formulas, blah, blah, blah. I always saw these as tools to help us walk the path to holiness.

See, the thing is, I am very aware of sins in my life. Sins I have struggled with my whole life that I know no matter how hard I try I know I will fail again and again. There are also sins that I am told are sins but I don’t believe they are. I confess them and make contrition for having a disobedient conscience…but I live in a certain degree of fear.

See, I don’t want to go to heaven to escape hell. I don’t want to go to heaven so I can live forever, never be cold/hungry/tired/hurting. Heck, I don’t even care if I ever see my earthly loved ones in Heaven…okay, I do, but that is not the MAIN reason I want to go there. See, all the reasons given (no pain, etc.) are nice perks. But I don’t care about any of that. I want to go to heaven because I just want to be with Jesus. I don’t care about anything else. Spending eternity with Christ, even if I may just lie at the feet of his table is the deepest and most desperate desire of my heart. Yet I still sin! I feel so frustrated by this, and the fact that the church teaches that we can’t be assured of our salvation scares me to death. Is God really going to deny me if I forget to confess something? What about if there are sins I commit without knowing they are sins, or didn’t make perfect contrition because I don’t feel the conviction of the sin? Like getting mad at someone who I think deserved it, but they really didn’t?

I know I’m rambling so I’ll make this simple: it’s the not knowing that kills me. I sin, and I am an unworthy human being. I couldn’t mean the words more when I say every mass “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.” I don’t care if I have to spend a thousand years in purgatory. I just don’t want to be denied being with Christ forever. Does anyone else feel this way? How do you deal with no assurance? I feel such joy in my love of Christ…but also since I became catholic, a great fear.

There are basic * principles* involved with the Catholic teaching. Scripture already tells us that no sinners will enter heaven. Pope Benedict states that God (Jesus) is heaven. And that’s the point; sin and heaven are mutually exclusive because sin is a rejection of Gods will, who is love, because sin is always opposed to love in some manner. IOW, to the extent we sin, we really don’t love God as we ought-we’re placing lesser, created, goods higher than Him.

So God, via the Church, provides us with tools such as the Sacrament of Reconciliation to fight this battle against sin, and so help us grow in our love for Him. She admits to sin and its role of separating us from God-which is what Original Sin did, originally, of course-and faces sin head on rather than ignoring it, as the doctrine of “imputed righteousness” does. God wants our wills aligned with His-that’s what He’s after, for our own good. If we’re still attracted to sin, then He knows we’re not ready-maybe not even yet* capable*-of “seeing” Him.

So Jesus tells us that if we love Him, we’ll obey His commandments; the two go hand in hand. I like this quote from St Basil:
If we turn away from evil out of fear of punishment, we are in the position of slaves. If we pursue the enticement of wages, . . . we resemble mercenaries. Finally if we obey for the sake of the good itself and out of love for him who commands . . . we are in the position of children.

 

[dwong]

wow I see that you really have a longing for Christ! I am encouraged by that!

Though we may hold different points of view, I thought I would encourage you with two portions of scripture, and a quote from a church father.

“but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Rom. 5:8) It says that God loves us. Not only that, it says He loved us while we were STILL sinners. God showed His love for us by Christ’s death on the cross. Yes, love Jesus, but also know that Jesus loves you. If Jesus loved you while you were still a sinner, will He not carry on loving you now, as a child of God? Find confidence in His love for you, not your love for Him.

“work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” (Phil. 2:12b-13) Paul who told us to work out our salvation immediately gave the rationale for doing so: because (or for) it is God who works in us. God will accomplish His purposes in you, my friend! So yes, struggle, but know that God is the one who will cause you to “will and to work for his good pleasure”.

“Give me the grace [O Lord] to do as you command, and command me to do what your will! … O holy God … when your commands are obeyed, it is from you that we receive the power to obey them.” - St. Augustin, Confessions. We will always struggle with sin. But alas, let us cry out to God. God holds the power to overcome sin! So let this be our prayer as we strive on in the faith, that God will grant us the ability to overcome sin. May our trust be in His ability, not our own feeble ability that will never match up.

 

[TimothyH]

No assurance is healthy fear. It’s fear of God. It keeps us dependent upon God, keeps us from getting complacent. It keeps us in prayer. No assurance is what keeps us striving for virtue.

-Tim-

 

[IrishRush]

See, I don’t want to go to heaven to escape hell. I don’t want to go to heaven so I can live forever, never be cold/hungry/tired/hurting. Heck, I don’t even care if I ever see my earthly loved ones in Heaven…okay, I do, but that is not the MAIN reason I want to go there. See, all the reasons given (no pain, etc.) are nice perks. But I don’t care about any of that. I want to go to heaven because I just want to be with Jesus. I don’t care about anything else. Spending eternity with Christ, even if I may just lie at the feet of his table is the deepest and most desperate desire of my heart. Yet I still sin! I feel so frustrated by this, …I sin, and I am an unworthy human being. I couldn’t mean the words more when I say every mass “Lord, I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and I shall be healed.”

Take a good look at the words of the Act Of Contrition:
Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, because I dread the loss of Heaven and I fear the pains of Hell, but most of all because I have offended Thee, Who are all good and deserving of all my love.
You should hate your sin because it CAN take you away from Heaven and God, but hate your sin MOSTLY because you’ve offended and hurt God with it.
As far as repeating your sins, I think all I can say there is, welcome to being an imperfect human being. God created us, knows we are imperfect and gave us his commandments to guide us to Him. As another responder said, your heart is in the right place. I’ve expressed this same frustration in the confessional to my priest and that was exactly what he told me, word for word. The fact that you WANT to do better is the first step to doing better.
So keep praying, keep going to confession - I find that with my repeated sins, as I continue to confess them I do better with fighting the temptation to repeat them. God’s grace.
And most of all, keep loving Jesus the way you do. You sound like you’re on the right track.
And finally, welcome home(!) to the Catholic Church! :hug3: