Lonliness for those not called to marriage

[DarkLight]

How do you handle loneliness for those who don’t feel that they’re called to marriage, or at least not to it anytime soon? I can’t really see myself getting married, or wanting to - at the end of the day I’m just not interested, and I can’t see forcing myself into all that comes with a marriage just for companionship.

At the same time, as I get older I feel increasingly lonely. Most of my friends are men, and I often have to deal with new girlfriends who see cross-gender friendships with suspicion. My female friends get married, have their first children, and essentially drop out of social life, or start focusing their social life on mommy groups. Even within parish life, I feel like the division is “young adult”, “men”, “mothers”, and “seniors.” I’m at the point where I don’t want to spend my time around the college age crowd, but I feel like there’s almost nothing for a single young woman my age who isn’t focused on finding a boyfriend.

What do single people like me do to have a community? It’s really wearing on me, I feel like there’s no social place for me unless I marry and start having kids. I wish I could go to the men’s stuff, they always have stuff that sounds so interesting.

 

[DarkLight]

I’m not opposed to starting something but at this point in my life I don’t think I could give it the time and energy commitment that starting and running something would take. I certainly wouldn’t mind once I got more settled in and life calmed down, but - I just can’t right now.

 

[nicoleandrian]

Yeah its tough. I am not married either and I am 35 single woman. There is no really good answer except to make Jesus your best friend. I sleep with his picture on my pillow. I hope my lonliness counts as a suffering to somehow get me to heaven sooner. Thats how I get through it. I think of it as a penance in reparation for sins.:crying:

 

[Mark_A_1]

Be at peace. You’re never alone. God is faithful. Just keep your door open to him.

First, you should read this article: The Eucharist — Antidote to Loneliness

Second, if you know for certain that your vocation isn’t marriage, you should start looking at the religious life. God could be calling you! If you’re interested, this website is an excellent place to start: deoestgloria.com/

It’s an online directory of religious communities.

 

[DarkLight]

Be at peace. You’re never alone. God is faithful. Just keep your door open to him.

First, you should read this article: The Eucharist — Antidote to Loneliness

Second, if you know for certain that your vocation isn’t marriage, you should start looking at the religious life. God could be calling you! If you’re interested, this website is an excellent place to start: deoestgloria.com/

It’s an online directory of religious communities.

I’ve looked, but…I guess I just can’t see myself being apart like that? I couldn’t stand being in a community that was all women, and I couldn’t give up keeping in touch with my friends and having my books and journals and whatnot. It just seems like I would have to give up all the academic intellectual stuff I do feel called to do and the community that does that.

 

[LisaB]

I totally understand what you are saying. Like you, I also don’t feel called to marriage, and I feel lonely without a community. How about getting involved in service projects, maybe run by the church in your area? That may help you get to know like-minded people and make more friends.

 

[Sunbreak]

I think that all single people, whether never married or widowed/divorced, experience this lonliness at times. It takes extra work for a single person to have enough social networking - a married person has a built-in person to do things with. If there isn’t a singles group at a parish near you, I would suggest taking “fun” classes in the community or volunteering for something you are interested in. I have done this and it worked to meet people who share my interests and make new friends.

 

[DarkLight]

I think that all single people, whether never married or widowed/divorced, experience this lonliness at times. It takes extra work for a single person to have enough social networking - a married person has a built-in person to do things with. If there isn’t a singles group at a parish near you, I would suggest taking “fun” classes in the community or volunteering for something you are interested in. I have done this and it worked to meet people who share my interests and make new friends.

It is especially bad at this time I think. Not just the singleness, but the fact that friendships just…die after marriage, or even after a serious dating relationship starts.

 

[shudane]

It is especially bad at this time I think. Not just the singleness, but the fact that friendships just…die after marriage, or even after a serious dating relationship starts.

I’m in the same boat DarkLight. All you can do is keep plodding along. Put God first in your life is what I’ve started to do. Let him be your source of companionship.

It’s difficult I know, I struggle with this all the time.

Maybe do some volunteering and as a previous poster suggested possibly give some thought to the religious life. Maybe do some course on Vocations, You never know it may reveal something to you regarding yours.

 

[maryjk]

I’ve looked, but…I guess I just can’t see myself being apart like that? I couldn’t stand being in a community that was all women, and I couldn’t give up keeping in touch with my friends and having my books and journals and whatnot. **It just seems like I would have to give up all the academic intellectual stuff I do feel called to do **and the community that does that.

I wonder what communities you have researched. There is a community that I have had an opportunity to visit. Like most people in the world, they get up in the morning and go off to work.

Now, some stay at the Monastery during the day, but most have jobs. One is a family doctor. She see patients. One is a pediatric Occupational Therapist. One is a college professor. One is an attorney. There are more examples, but you get the point I am making. They didn’t give up “the academic intellectual” stuff.

Now, community life might not be for you, but please don’t somehow indicate that those that do choose community life give up everything intellectual.

 

[Xantippe]

My great-grandma was a widow for about 40 years as her husband had been about a decade older than her, and she died at 91. Now, granted she had her children and her grandchildren and her great-grandchildren, but she also had a great gift for making friends with people younger than herself. That’s not so important at your age, but it gets way more important when you get to the age where practically all your contemporaries are dead, as my great-grandma did. She met a lot of people through her job over the years (it was a very unusual one for a woman) and made many devoted friends.

Interestingly, she was a loner by temperament and not really a people person at all, and yet she was able to attract many friends. You could see the loner element in the fact that when she was already elderly, she moved out of “town” (that’s a town with a population in four digits, and she lived on the very outskirts) to a cabin she built on her property about 25 minutes out of town. Her closest neighbor was about 1/2 a mile away and I think she liked it that way (and she didn’t drive). She always had a whole zoo of animals. From my childhood, I recall a dog, a cat, at least one goose (nasty thing!), calves she was raising, a few sheep and of course a few horses. She also had a garden with strawberries and raspberries and blueberries and currants and potatoes and all sorts of things.

Alone does not have to mean lonely.

 

[erine]

I’ve looked, but…I guess I just can’t see myself being apart like that? I couldn’t stand being in a community that was all women, and I couldn’t give up keeping in touch with my friends and having my books and journals and whatnot. It just seems like I would have to give up all the academic intellectual stuff I do feel called to do and the community that does that.

What about being a tertiary in a lay chapter of an order, like Carmelites, Franciscans, or Dominicans? You would be in the order as a layperson with a chapter of men and women in community, get all the graces and prayers and spiritual discipline of the order without being in a convent. Being in community would help with loneliness without intense commitment of marriage, and you will draw closer to Christ and that will alleviate loneliness of course. Some if not all orders will have study as a big part of the way of life so you could share that too. And there may be people in all states of life who will be your friend, because you are in the chapter; married couples, single young people, older people, etc.
In loneliness I ask Jesus to be my spouse and my true love and best friend. And I pray to St. Rita who is the patroness against loneliness. And I pray to Mary. God bless.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I’ve looked, but…I guess I just can’t see myself being apart like that? I couldn’t stand being in a community that was all women, and I couldn’t give up keeping in touch with my friends and having my books and journals and whatnot. It just seems like I would have to give up all the academic intellectual stuff I do feel called to do and the community that does that.

As others have said there’s no easy answer and you’re not alone. I’m a single active 43 year old lady myself. I looked and surfed the dating pool for many years. These days I’m lucky to get a date a year…men just aren’t interested unless they are 15 years plus my age and I’m not interested in that.

In my case I feel called to marriage but GOD seems to want me single. Don’t know why but it is what it is. The last guy was bipolar…told me then jumped ship. I give up at this point. I accept the suffering since there’s little I can do about it. I’ve been mostly distracted by my house lately which has turned into a money pit with repairs beyond my ability to fix. That’s a whole other story and too long to go into.

I try to keep myself busy for the most part and it works most of the time. Right now I’m trying to decide what to do about my moneypit house. I can’t afford to stay…can’t afford to sell. Double wammy all the way. Prayed for an answer got more problems with it…guessing this is my answer.

Getting back to your original question. The only thing you can really do is try to seek out others like yourself. Maybe start a social activity group in your church. Something simple nothing fancy. Maybe a movie club where you meet for dinner and move and discuss the movie during dinner or hiking or brunch on sundays. You could try and activity a month. I wouldn’t try to do too much. Every Catholic group I’ve been in has disbursed after a year becaue the organizers tried to take on too much and burned out. Otherwise try to meet people in your parrish or join groups outside the parish. Check out meetup.com there’s lots of social groups and activies there. It’s a site of clubs. Good luck.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

This is the fruit of conservatives committing idolatry with marriage and acting as if it is the highest vocation.

 

[Xantippe]

Joie de vivre said:

“This is the fruit of conservatives committing idolatry with marriage and acting as if it is the highest vocation.”

Being a spinster has never been a piece of cake.

Our OP is young enough, though, that I suspect she will eventually find somebody, particularly since she’s entering a field with few women in it. That’s always good for romantic prospects, although as they say about certain technical colleges, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

Joie de vivre said:

“This is the fruit of conservatives committing idolatry with marriage and acting as if it is the highest vocation.”

Being a spinster has never been a piece of cake.

Our OP is young enough, though, that I suspect she will eventually find somebody, particularly since she’s entering a field with few women in it. That’s always good for romantic prospects, although as they say about certain technical colleges, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

Once upon a time even spinsters and confirmed bachelors were still included in the social fabric of society.

 

[maryjk]

Once upon a time even spinsters and confirmed bachelors were still included in the social fabric of society.

Are they not now?

My best friend is what many would consider a spinster.

I just call her friend. And she is very much part of my social fabric.

My husband has a number of male friends that aren’t married.

 

[bsf]

How do you handle loneliness for those who don’t feel that they’re called to marriage, or at least not to it anytime soon? I can’t really see myself getting married, or wanting to - at the end of the day I’m just not interested, and I can’t see forcing myself into all that comes with a marriage just for companionship.

At the same time, as I get older I feel increasingly lonely. Most of my friends are men, and I often have to deal with new girlfriends who see cross-gender friendships with suspicion. My female friends get married, have their first children, and essentially drop out of social life, or start focusing their social life on mommy groups. Even within parish life, I feel like the division is “young adult”, “men”, “mothers”, and “seniors.” I’m at the point where I don’t want to spend my time around the college age crowd, but I feel like there’s almost nothing for a single young woman my age who isn’t focused on finding a boyfriend.

What do single people like me do to have a community? It’s really wearing on me, I feel like there’s no social place for me unless I marry and start having kids. I wish I could go to the men’s stuff, they always have stuff that sounds so interesting.

Though male, having never-married; been “unattached” most of my adult life; and approaching middle-age, I think I can empathize with some of your experience. Loneliness; I am still trying to understand it. I very much identify with your comments concerning marriage. How certain are you that marriage is not your vocation, though?

I belong to a large parish with a huge number or ministries. My limited parish involvement seems to indicate a vast number of opportunities for people regardless of age, gender, and marital status. However, I do not fully understand what you mean by “community” when you ask “What do single people like me do to have a community?” Can you elaborate a bit on what desire(s) you are hoping to fulfill through membership in “community”? Do you understand what you desire? Do you want group, recreational opportunities? Are you looking for co-travelers in journey to spiritual union with God?

 

[Xantippe]

Joie de vivre said:

“Once upon a time even spinsters and confirmed bachelors were still included in the social fabric of society.”

“Old maid” is an old term and yet not a very complimentary one, which suggests that you’re looking back to a time that never existed. Of course, in the Catholic world, unmarried women had more options than in the Protestant world, where it was expected that everybody would pair off like Noah’s ark.

I think the crux of the problem is that outside family life, a lot of social institutions in the US have shriveled up. You can see this in Robert Putnam’s book “Bowling Alone” where he describes the decline of neighborly socializing, many churches, fraternal organizations, group membership in general, and so forth during the second half of the 20th century. There was a post-war generation that was super group-oriented, but it’s been all downhill from there. If one doesn’t have a family of one’s own, this trend is very hard to cope with. That has essentially nothing to do with making an idol of marriage and family life–it’s simply that the family (such as it is) is the last institution standing, and if people don’t have that, it’s a very cold world indeed.

 

[chevalier]

Well, I’m definitely not a person who doesn’t want to marry, quite the opposite, actually. However, I’d be blind to fail to realise that that isn’t happening any time soon. This weighs heavily on me. It would be more virtuous if I used the time constructively (e.g. improving my skills, bettering my business) or charitably (volunteering somewhere), but since I can’t find it in me to do so (I’m more inclined to work the normal job I’m familiar with and donate the resulting money instead, and while I love education, there’s a limit even to how much I can take, I need some diversion), I basically see to it that I have some quality of life and don’t make myself miserable. I can still enjoy books, even video games, I can go to interesting places (just a matter of finding the motivation to go alone rather than remaining shut in one’s house), there’s nothing that says I can’t go to a café alone on my own. And there are friends, of both sexes. There is family. The key is to avoid being miserable and wasting time away on social media or something like that (or unfulfilling hobbies).