Looking for a Catholic Spouse

[Augustinian]

primarily a chronically ill wife who committed adultery.

If you trash your first wife like this, even after she is long gone from your life, it isn’t going to help you connect with someone new. Gals don’t want to hear this about other women.

 

[Gertabelle]

You should be seeking to know and do the will of God. That is the path to finding a wife, if indeed it is the will of God.

The husband is the head of his wife; he does not have the role to serve her.

Yikes. If laying down your life for your wife isn’t serving her, I guess I don’t know what being a servant means.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

Today’s Sunday Gospel reading and homily are all about how the husband must treat the wife as he would treat his own body.

The husband is the head of his wife; he does not have the role to serve her.

I think you are way off the mark with that comment.

 

[cnorman]

Well, I know what you’re saying about being the spiritual head of the family, but when you have a wife who is an invalid and five children, you serve, serve, serve.

 

[cnorman]

Yup, you’re right. I usually don’t start off the first date with, My wife was chronically ill and she cheated on me, nor the second or third. I don’t think stating that she was chronically ill is trashing her. It wasn’t her fault she was ill. Regarding the infidelity, let’s reverse the roles. If you were in a serious romantic relationship with a woman and a significant reason why her marriage ended was due to the infidelity of her spouse, you really wouldn’t want to know about that? It seems like a pretty significant part of someone’s life to withhold? It’s about the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through. I would hope that after a certain amount of time passed, the woman who might become my future spouse would allow me to talk about the betrayal and hurt at least once or twice and maybe even offer me some comfort and understanding. Let’s take this to another level. What your saying is almost like saying that a woman is victimized, abused or maybe even raped by her husband, she moves on and remarries, but she shouldn’t trash her old husband by talking about the abuse with her new husband. See how ridiculous that sounds? By the way, thanks for the pointers about women. I may keep you on speed dial, tiger.

 

[cnorman]

Totally agree. “he does not have the role to serve her” sounds almost misogynistic.

 

[cnorman]

Thank you, Sophia. I think that will most likely happen.

 

[FiveLinden]

I am sorry to have offended you. No one on the internet has ‘all the facts’. We comment on the facts we have. My comments were based on the impression left on my by your first post. If you are looking for love awareness of the range of interpretations likely to result from your statements and actions will be helpful. Your further comments reinforce in my mind that you, and your prospects for finding a good relationship, will benefit greatly from appropriate counselling.

 

[SeriousQuestion]

But who suggested that they were? Sounds like a cover-up for a mistake.

 

[Roseeurekacross]

How many people have you known who have have been fixed by psychology? I can’t name one.

this is a very irresponsible and damaging thing to say. There are people on this forum who function because they have help for their mental health.
There are people who might be considering help for their mental health issues, they read this, and say forgetaboutit.

Your view of psychology because of your parents, and the woman you thought you were married to, but found not to be in a real marriage, so therefore she is free to marry or date again, and is now with a Psychologist, is totally irrelevant.
i pray you overcome your past failed relationships, and look with fresh eyes to the future

 

[Gertabelle]

Yup, you’re right. I usually don’t start off the first date with, My wife was chronically ill and she cheated on me, nor the second or third… If you were in a serious romantic relationship with a woman and a significant reason why her marriage ended was due to the infidelity of her spouse, you really wouldn’t want to know about that? It seems like a pretty significant part of someone’s life to withhold? It’s about the most traumatic thing I’ve ever been through.

Yeah, not a first date conversation.

But absolutely a topic for ongoing conversation in a relationship headed toward marriage, and even within marriage.

On a more surface level, back when I was meeting men through Catholic Match, if they weren’t willing to have even a surface level conversation about their divorce a month or two into getting to know each other, I took that as a red flag.

I own my part of my divorce. It wasn’t “all my ex’s fault” for wanting to leave. And I expect a man to be willing to talk about his past, his part and his ex-wife’s part in the divorce, if he was married before.

But definitely not on a first date!

 

[Roseeurekacross]

despite what she did to me

see, here is the problem, if we ask her, she will have a litany of issues of what you did to her.

you sound very unforgiving of a woman in a marriage the church found to be invalid,
That is no position to find a new partner. New partners don’t want to comfort and emotionally support a guy for the failure of previous relationships.
New partners want the now and the future. The potential and hope and emotional support of the now and future.

this attitude has come out in 16 posts on a forum. It will come out very much more strongly in real life.

 

[FiveLinden]

It’s a bit disconcerting that you suggested counseling, almost as if, based on this internet blog, you had gleaned enough data to make some sort of formal evaluation about my therapeutic needs.
How many people have you known who have have been fixed by psychology? I can’t name one. My parents are both psychologists. I can, however, name several people who still struggle profoundly after spending thousands of dollars and spending years in therapy. What is even more unbelievable is that many of the psychologists I know (the experts on relationships) have personal lives littered with wreckage. I know this is mostly anecdotal evidence so I will end this email with an excerpt from a very good article titled, Psychology is not Science. (It is at best, a soft science based on subjective criteria.) Here is the excerpt:
Psychology isn’t science.

Why can we definitively say that? Because psychology often does not meet the five basic requirements for a field to be considered scientifically rigorous: clearly defined terminology, quantifiability, highly controlled experimental conditions, reproducibility and, finally, predictability and testability.

I suggested counselling precisely because anyone who posts as you have done is likely to benefit from counselling, provided they think there is a problem to be addressed. You clearly do not, yet, despite your anger, resentment and blaming behaviours and your strong sense of being very, very right. II hope you come to understand the need for this soon. I know one person at least who has benefitted from counselling: me. Psychology has scientific practices, such as we find in experimental psychology and the systematic analysis of outcomes in search. Many psychologists also practice non-scientific therapies. I prefer those that do not.

 

[Lee1]

I tried counselling some years ago and how effective it is relies on how good a facilitator the counsellor is and how much insight the client is able to employ. The speed of progress also relies on these aspects and it can cost a bit over an extended period. Personally I found I’d intellectualise as a defence. I’d see the problem and then talk around it without engaging emotionally and perhaps even honestly.
I’ve found prayer more helpful maybe because I have nowhere to hide in prayer, what use would it be to pretend or attempt obfuscation with our Heavenly Father who knows all and still offers unconditional love beyond all compare. And love is so often a big part of the answer if not the whole of the answer. An emphasis on loving or its plainer sister agape can help steer us away from transient concerns of the ego and heal us in the process I’d suggest?
I can see how loving others and counselling together might work nicely.

 

[Nap66]

I’ve found prayer more helpful maybe because I have nowhere to hide in prayer, what use would it be to pretend or attempt obfuscation with our Heavenly Father who knows all and still offers unconditional love beyond all compare.

I agree. It’s good to remember that counselors are people like you and me. Even with all their training they live the same lives we do, and yes their lives can be pretty messed up. God is not messed up. God’s existence is perfect. Who would I rather solve my problems? God, and he did cure me of my depression, instantly. After years and years of counseling and drugs and pure misery, one prayer and my depression was gone for good. I know no one will believe this, but it happened. Could such a miracle happen to other people? Why not? God can do anything, counselors cannot.

Now back to the OP. There’s nothing wrong in looking for a Catholic spouse. Should I ever get married again (yes, my marriage was annulled) I would want a Catholic spouse. But if the search for a spouse makes you lose your peace, then God wants you alone at the moment. Why? Just cause. Seek God first as the Bible says. I’m trying to do that, but it is lonely without true human companionship. Keep the faith!