Looking for a little advice from strangers

[CCM08]

AW—she’s young. I think she will ‘grow’ out of it. She may really be frightened of dating, and this is her way of sabotaging any potential situation that comes along. Just a thought.

She does go out, it’s just she always seems to wind up hurt when some guy that she decides she’s interested in gives her the brush off. Or they go out with her, then she quickly comes to realize that they expect sex and when she doesn’t provide it she is yesterday’s news. We’ve had the “that’s the kind of women these guys are interested in” discussion before and I think she fundamentally understands it. I really just think a lot of it has to do with her mother and four years of college feeding her this line about what she “deserves.”

 

[whatevergirl]

She does go out, it’s just she always seems to wind up hurt when some guy that she decides she’s interested in gives her the brush off. Or they go out with her, then she quickly comes to realize that they expect sex and when she doesn’t provide it she is yesterday’s news. We’ve had the “that’s the kind of women these guys are interested in” discussion before and I think she fundamentally understands it. I really just think a lot of it has to do with her mother and four years of college feeding her this line about what she “deserves.”

What do you mean by your last line, CCM? I think she shouldn’t settle for someone who isn’t respectful of her, that’s for sure…

Could u clarify? Thx

 

[CCM08]

This part of your post hit me immediately. Why on earth would you “set up” a nice guy with this woman? If she “shoots men down for no real reason” then I would not bother to set her up with anyone that I knew EVER.

Not that you don’t care about your cousin and her well-being, but it seems uncharitable and downright mean to get these young men’s hopes up for what probably will turn out to be a disaster. I am sure that you probably meant well, but it seems you are trying to help your cousin more then you are looking out for the emotional well being of these young men, especially when you said it was a formula that had been “repeated several times”.

Well it’s not really a set up thing. She’s over at our house all time, so she end’s up meeting the vast majority of my friends and and my wife’s friends. I haven’t actually tried the direct set up thing since it blew up in my face the first time.

When you see her at family functions and she complains about being single, just nod your head. That’s all, just not your head. The same way you would just nod your head when someone you know complains about their chronic ingrown toenail.

It’s not quite that easy. I mean if we only saw each other at family functions I probably wouldn’t spend any time or effort on this. We may be cousins, but she’s really more like a sister. As much as I want to at times, my wife certainly thinks I should, I just can’t give up.

 

[CCM08]

What do you mean by your last line, CCM? I think she shouldn’t settle for someone who isn’t respectful of her, that’s for sure…

Could u clarify? Thx

I never said that, nor do I think she should marry someone that doesn’t respect and love her. Specifically, I mean this notion that she needs to have a 6,000 Sq. Ft. house, luxury cars, and so on with the materialistic ****. Her mother pushed it, she was always had an envy thing with with my mother because she made a lot of money in real estate and knowing quite a few of her sorority sisters I’m quite sure the college experience just furthered these ideas. I think I’m also a bit to blame. I’ll admit I’m a trust fund kid. I’ve got two degrees and have been working for several years, my salary isn’t even close to the interest payments on my trust. I also try my hardest to spoil the heck out of my wife, although she resists. Anyway, I just think she thinks everyone has to buy expensive gifts because that’s what I do for my wife. I guess this might be one of those things I can’t fix, I’m sure she’ll figure it out sooner or later. I just don’t want to see her end up with someone that really doesn’t deserve her because she passed up too many good guys and ends up with someone out of desperation.

 

[OldAgeGuru]

I don’t really want to insult you, but frankly I’ve got two bachelors degrees, both of which turned out to be totally worthless, and the fact is with universities the way they are a cocker spainel could get a degree. I’m in human resources, we decide if the person is an idiot or not during the interview. Another cousin of mine owes DU over 90,000 dollars getting a law degree. He works 70+ hour weeks and makes a whopping 30 grand a year. He can’t buy a house (my friend owns his own home), can’t afford a decent car, in fact after paying his student loan payments he’s barely got enough to pay rent on a rat hole studio apartment in Lakewood and eat.
In my friend’s defense, he has gone through trade school (and I envy him), he’s a journyman electrician (required for the job as complicated rewiring is often neccessary when redoing an entire kitch) and is an artist with wood. He plans to have his own shop some day, but the reality is there are steps to that process. The high end cabinet shops won’t hire you until you have a substantial portfiolo. If you haven’t worked for a high end cabinet shop you don’t have the neccessary client list to start a shop.

You ever think that maybe, just maybe, judging people based on what they do says a lot more about what kind of person you are then what kind of people they are?

I have no problem with someone who has learned a trade and is picking up his licensure. I dated a plumber, they make good money, they have done the work to get all of their ducks in a row, went to trade school. etc.

I may have just misread the post and didn’t realize that he what he was doing at home depot/loews (it’s early haven’t had coffee yet).

To me, I just would never date someone who wasn’t doing something to better himself. Whether it’s that he was content making min wage at a big box shop, or whether he had a PhD and figured he had finished learning anything new.

Ambition isn’t solely about money in my book. No one is perfect, and no one gets perfect, but it’s something you should work on continually throughout your lfie.

I don’t think it says anything about me. I make enough money to cover my own expenses, and I don’t need someone to support me financially (however if that 88 year old billionaire comes along and wants to I won’t say no ) I do like nice things, expensive purses and shoes, and makeup and nice dinners out, but I don’t NEED them. So I’m not a materialistic witch, I do realize there are more important things.

I just don’t want someone who is content with everything in their lives, it just seems like they are ambivelent. I’m not judging them on what they do, I judging them on a character trait that I don’t like. Chalk it up to my being a child from a family full of educators that I don’t want someone who just does the bare minimum to get by in every thing he does

 

[chevalier]

Normally I’d go with my wife’s advice, but in this case I don’t think her really blunt approach will work. Here’s the problem, I have a cousin in her 20’s (26), who constantly complains that she can’t find dates, or as she says, “a good man.” The reality is lot’s of good guys ask her out, she just rejects them because she has unrealistic expectations. She’s an average looking girl, and normally a pretty good personality save for judgement in men it would seem. She thinks that unless a guy is an “ultra hunk” male model and earns a 6 figure salary he’s not a “good man.”

Thanks for bringing this question up. It’s letting me gather some thoughts for my own reflections. Is it possible she just says she’s looking for a good man but without mentioning the other expectations? I don’t think she really and literally sees people under six digits and a hulky mass as not good men. It would be worrying if she confused goodness with financial standing and physical ability. Or is it a good man as in a good man for her?

So instead of going out with the really decent guys that ask her she pines away for these men that probably don’t even know she exists. For example a couple weeks ago I introduced her to a buddy of mine that plays hockey with me. He’s got a decent job installing for Lowe’s hardware and there’s nothing wrong with his apperance.

I think you might be inclined to think she has unrealistic expectations because you thought your buddy was good for her and then she disagreed for some reason. I think it’s a bit similar to when we guys think a woman has unrealistic expectations when she turns us down.

Personally, I think worrying too much about stuff like this is a recipe for unhappiness but I get that not everyone thinks that well. Well he ask her out and for no real reason she shot him down. It’s a formula we’ve repeated several times.

Maybe she wants those guys to wind up in a more natural way? Maybe she feels pressured by you?

Anyway, how would you (or would you at all) approach her about these unrealistic expectations in men? I tried approaching this with a little Stoic and Christian philosophy, happiness coming from communion with God, accepting things as they are, and approach life in a realisitic fashion. While she seemed interested I don’t think she understood that I was directly referring to her. I want to help, just sort of at a loss with how to approach this.

If she really has some expectations which are seen as unrealistic by other people but not by herself, and which are crucial to her, she might be better off staying single. Her complaining may be a way to unload the tension. I think you may to push her into some thinking and make her realise she shouldn’t expect more education, better salary, better physique, than she herself has.

Note that it’s perfectly possible that she can easily see if a guy is not for her - doesn’t mean she knows what actually is for her, but maybe she just knows that all those guys are not for her the instant she meets them. Is she a highly intuitive person?

 

[BlestOne]

When I was growing up, the family that lived next door had 5 girls and 2 boys. The mom convinced the girls that no man was good enough for them. None of the girls got married before 35 when they finally got over themselves and decided that there was no such thing as prince charming. As a result, the girls were lonely and discontent for years needlessly. It was really sad to see them never satisfied or happy. It wasn’t until after my sisters and I all got married and started having children that these girls (who were all older than my sisters and I) started getting a clue that it wasn’t about perfection, it is about finding someone you can make happy and visa versa.

 

[Sheeniac]

If she’s confiding in you about her unhappiness, she is looking for guidance.

It sounds like your wife is basically correct in her assumption, but her delivery (being blunt) would probably not be the correct approach. That’s difficult for me to say since I am blunt, and I prefer blunt, but I know I am in a minority.

I think that you should take a long-term approach in dropping sublte hints - planting the seeds. Then, after they germinate, perhaps watering a great deal.

She needs to hear your opinion, and probably wants it as well. While she may not react immediately to it, maybe not for some time, I think you would be doing her a disservice by not saying what she needs to hear… softly.

I’ve been in her boat - not with her standards of a 6 figure hunk, but it has taken me awhile to get over my idea of the ‘perfect guy’ for me, and instead, focus on what is important.

 

[CarrieH]

If it were me, I would not try fixing her up with anyone. Let her wallow in her own self pity for a while .
Kathy

It might be a good long while at that, but if she isn’t going to listen, she isn’t going to listen. So why waste your breath?

Water seeks its own level, and the gorgeous, rich men want gorgeous women. “Average-looking” isn’t going to make the cut, sorry to say. Your cousin needs to take a brutally-honest look at herself and ask, “what do I have that sets me apart from the competition?” It’s not just about what she is looking for in a mate; it takes two to tango.

Some women never learn this lesson. I once had a coworker who was an attractive gal but who had ridiculous standards. Over the years, I remember her rejecting one man because he wore pants with pleats and she thought that looked “gay;” one man made the grievous error of showing up for a date wearing a t-shirt with a frayed collar which was visible through the open neck of his outer shirt; and another perfectly nice guy got the boot because he made an etiquette faux-pas involving the silverware at a business dinner. Guess what? This woman is now in her 40’s, still single, and living with her dog and two cats. uch: I wish your cousin could have a chat with her.

Thanks for caring, though.

 

[Island_Oak]

Here’s the problem, I have a cousin in her 20’s (26), who constantly complains that she can’t find dates, or as she says, “a good man…”

I fail to see how this is ***your ***problem. Next time your cousin starts her belly-aching, change the subject. If she can’t take a hint, get up and leave the room. This is for her to figure out. If she wants a rich hunk, so be it. I bet no where in your job description is there the requirement that you either secure a suitable husband for her or suffer through her complaints until she finds Mr. Right.