Looking for advice about staying pure in my relationship

[VeronicaVera]

I’m just feeling down and like I need some encouragement. I’m in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. We both very much want to get married, but we’re young and thousands of miles apart. I don’t think we’ll be able to get married for about 4 years realistically until we’re out of graduate school and all that. We both want children, we’re both Catholic. Sometimes it’s difficult though because we’re from different ethnic backgrounds and have different religious traditions. His family is less dogmatic than mine. For example, his parents told us it was okay for us to have sex before we’re married. But his family is very spiritual. At any rate, both he and I struggle greatly with personal sexual sin. He doesn’t think things like the solitary sin are wrong, unlike me, even though I struggle with it. He agrees that we shouldn’t have sex until marriage, but he is very eager to push the boundaries. It has been very difficult for me to say no. We talk about it, but in the moment we just seem to keep pushing things too much and I feel very guilty about it. I don’t feel pure. And I feel bad letting it keep happen because I know I’m responsible for his purity even if he doesn’t seem to value it. I know we need to learn self control, but it’s hard when we only see each other a few times a year, it’s like all this pent up passion. I’m worried about the future and trying to make NFP work, especially since I have PCOS. Sorry, this got long. Does anyone have any advice?

 

[ShrodingersCat]

I was going out with my husband for 6 years before marriage.

If you want advise on how to stay pure, it’s DON’T push boundaries. Set them faaar back and do you best to not breach them. Sure you might slip up, but if your boundaries are back far enough you won’t slip too far.

Your boyfriend should respect your boundaries. He doesn’t respect you if he keeps pushing you to do things you are not comfortable with; that is a well-established red flag for relationships. Both of you need to be strong, so that when one is feeling particularly weak, the other can be strong for both of you.

As far as NFP goes, no reason you can’t start charting you cycle now. It’s really very empowering to get a good grasp on how your body works. I recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. It’s not Catholic, so ignore the parts about condoms but it is THE definitive guide on FAM (which is basically NFP with condoms as an optional substitute for abstinence).

Edit: More advice. Probably good for couples that struggle. I read it in a book once:

“Stay public and stay vertical”

So when you see each other, make sure it’s in a public place or with family. You can have an intimate conversation in a coffee shop or on a long walk. None of my best dates with my boyfriend (now husband) were sitting on a couch watching Netflix - they were trips to the beach or romantic dinners or silly adventures.

 

[TK421]

A person’s spiritual life is very much the same as a person’s physical life. When you consider the organs of our body, they are all interconnected with each other. A pain from a single tooth will cause pain in the neck, in the head, in your sleep schedule, etc. One sensory neuron firing off pain signals can cause a major disruption in your life. It would be nice if the body’s problems were completely isolated from the rest of the body, but that isn’t how it works.

So impurity is something that will mess up your entire spiritual life. It won’t isolate itself to a 15 minute period in the day when you are doing what you know you shouldn’t be doing, but greatly desire relief from life’s hardships in some form or another, so you do it anyway. That is going to disrupt your ability to show patience, to develop serenity, perseverance, acceptance of unhappy situations, and other virtues. Your entire spiritual life will be effected. And really, you don’t need to ask me or anybody else this, because if you sit back and reflect on how this is having an effect on you, I think you will agree to that on your own. You already admit that you are trying to stop, but cannot. Over a billion people could say the same. That shows how this sin - which is what is called “attractive sin” - has so much power of your life. It’s making it so that you are not steering your own life.

Sexual sin is something that - as a general rule - has more abundant attraction than people have willpower. In other words, if you will yourself to stop sinning, you will not be successful. All forms of dependencies, drugs, etc., follow the same pattern. If you fight them, you lose. The only way you are going to stop sinning sexually is to replace the void & emptiness you feel with something other than sexual pleasure, and it will more than likely be a large number of things to fill that void. First and foremost will be prayer, and other things will be nurturing friendships, developing wholesome hobbies, etc.

For your boyfriend: you can influence his decisions, but you can’t control them. If he ultimately decides not to honor his body the way you honor yours, I would consider if staying in a relationship with him is the best decision, for both him and you. It is a big, big world, and there are a lot of people out there to marry. You need to trust in that. Sometimes we get wrapped up in only what we see, and we think we have less options than what we really do. There’s hundreds of millions in the US alone.

I hope I’ve helped you in some way and haven’t been overly wordy.

 

[1ke]

My advice is stop dating if you aren’t willing to/wanting to get married for 4 years. Or get married while going to school (yes people do this all the time).

Additionally, he is NOT the guy for you. You do not share values…pushing your boundaries is NOT OK. he won’t magically change if you do marry him.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think 1ke was right on though it may not be recieved well.

One thing that struck me was his families opinion on if you guys should have premarital sex. That it was even discussed sends out the unbelievably creepy vibe. How is it that you not engaging in sexual activity is up for public debate in his family!?

 

[Irishmom2]

Additionally, he is NOT the guy for you. You do not share values…pushing your boundaries is NOT OK. he won’t magically change if you do marry him.

I was thinking the same thing. If he doesn’t respect boundaries, he doesn’t respect you. And if that is the case, you should not continue dating him, let alone marry him.

 

[VeronicaVera]

I think 1ke was right on though it may not be recieved well.

One thing that struck me was his families opinion on if you guys should have premarital sex. That it was even discussed sends out the unbelievably creepy vibe. How is it that you not engaging in sexual activity is up for public debate in his family!?

Yeah, I have to admit I was very surprised haha. His family has a prayer corner, every spare inch of wall has some religious picture. Yet they’re so loose on certain things. He told his mom that we weren’t doing anything like that. I’m afraid his family thinks we are, which makes me uncomfortable. It’s hard because my family is the exact opposite and they don’t even think we’ve kissed so it makes me feel very guilty that they have no idea.
Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[VeronicaVera]

I was thinking the same thing. If he doesn’t respect boundaries, he doesn’t respect you. And if that is the case, you should not continue dating him, let alone marry him.

I’m maybe making him seem like the bad guy too much. I need to be more vocal on my part. It’s all the in the moment stuff and it’s hard to say no. We have lots of discussions like “we’re not going to do that again” and then yeah. But I know he has a tiny bit of guilt. He has the right core values, it’s just that up until he met me he wasn’t familiar with the church’s teachings on sexuality at all really, so he’s learning. I’m trying to be patient. Usually after awhile he comes around and realizes the church is right, but it’s been a learning experience.

 

[VeronicaVera]

My advice is stop dating if you aren’t willing to/wanting to get married for 4 years. Or get married while going to school (yes people do this all the time).

Additionally, he is NOT the guy for you. You do not share values…pushing your boundaries is NOT OK. he won’t magically change if you do marry him.

I will definitely wait, I’m just not thrilled about it haha. I get frustrated with the obstacles in the way, mainly money and distance. Yeah, I want to work on respecting boundaries beforehand for sure. The upside to the long wait is time to practice getting it right.

 

[Irishmom2]

I’m maybe making him seem like the bad guy too much. I need to be more vocal on my part. It’s all the in the moment stuff and it’s hard to say no. We have lots of discussions like “we’re not going to do that again” and then yeah. But I know he has a tiny bit of guilt. He has the right core values, it’s just that up until he met me he wasn’t familiar with the church’s teachings on sexuality at all really, so he’s learning. I’m trying to be patient. Usually after awhile he comes around and realizes the church is right, but it’s been a learning experience.

No, you are making excuses for him now, and maybe for yourself too. He knows what the church teaches now and so do you. Stop talking about what you are not going to do again. Don’t get into that situation where it’s even possible.

 

[VeronicaVera]

A person’s spiritual life is very much the same as a person’s physical life. When you consider the organs of our body, they are all interconnected with each other. A pain from a single tooth will cause pain in the neck, in the head, in your sleep schedule, etc. One sensory neuron firing off pain signals can cause a major disruption in your life. It would be nice if the body’s problems were completely isolated from the rest of the body, but that isn’t how it works.

So impurity is something that will mess up your entire spiritual life. It won’t isolate itself to a 15 minute period in the day when you are doing what you know you shouldn’t be doing, but greatly desire relief from life’s hardships in some form or another, so you do it anyway. That is going to disrupt your ability to show patience, to develop serenity, perseverance, acceptance of unhappy situations, and other virtues. Your entire spiritual life will be effected. And really, you don’t need to ask me or anybody else this, because if you sit back and reflect on how this is having an effect on you, I think you will agree to that on your own. You already admit that you are trying to stop, but cannot. Over a billion people could say the same. That shows how this sin - which is what is called “attractive sin” - has so much power of your life. It’s making it so that you are not steering your own life.

Sexual sin is something that - as a general rule - has more abundant attraction than people have willpower. In other words, if you will yourself to stop sinning, you will not be successful. All forms of dependencies, drugs, etc., follow the same pattern. If you fight them, you lose. The only way you are going to stop sinning sexually is to replace the void & emptiness you feel with something other than sexual pleasure, and it will more than likely be a large number of things to fill that void. First and foremost will be prayer, and other things will be nurturing friendships, developing wholesome hobbies, etc.

For your boyfriend: you can influence his decisions, but you can’t control them. If he ultimately decides not to honor his body the way you honor yours, I would consider if staying in a relationship with him is the best decision, for both him and you. It is a big, big world, and there are a lot of people out there to marry. You need to trust in that. Sometimes we get wrapped up in only what we see, and we think we have less options than what we really do. There’s hundreds of millions in the US alone.

I hope I’ve helped you in some way and haven’t been overly wordy.

Thank you for your response, I appreciate it.
What you say is very true. I’ve been caught up in this type of sin for years now, and it really does affect my spiritual life. It’s so hard because I feel like I can’t talk about it with my friends or anyone, especially since being a girl. Sometimes I think of like all the people I know who are like sexually active before marriage and how they still seem so great and they seem unaffected and I wish I could just not care, but I can’t stop caring.
Everyone has that one sin they really struggle with and that’s this for me.
I know there’s a lot of other people out there, but I really feel like he’s the one. I feel like we have a lot we can learn from each other. Some days I just get a little frustrated like he doesn’t get it.

 

[VeronicaVera]

I was going out with my husband for 6 years before marriage.

If you want advise on how to stay pure, it’s DON’T push boundaries. Set them faaar back and do you best to not breach them. Sure you might slip up, but if your boundaries are back far enough you won’t slip too far.

Your boyfriend should respect your boundaries. He doesn’t respect you if he keeps pushing you to do things you are not comfortable with; that is a well-established red flag for relationships. Both of you need to be strong, so that when one is feeling particularly weak, the other can be strong for both of you.

As far as NFP goes, no reason you can’t start charting you cycle now. It’s really very empowering to get a good grasp on how your body works. I recommend the book “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. It’s not Catholic, so ignore the parts about condoms but it is THE definitive guide on FAM (which is basically NFP with condoms as an optional substitute for abstinence).

Edit: More advice. Probably good for couples that struggle. I read it in a book once:

“Stay public and stay vertical”

So when you see each other, make sure it’s in a public place or with family. You can have an intimate conversation in a coffee shop or on a long walk. None of my best dates with my boyfriend (now husband) were sitting on a couch watching Netflix - they were trips to the beach or romantic dinners or silly adventures.

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate it! I may look into those books at some point

 

[E_7]

I’m worried about the future and trying to make NFP work, especially since I have PCOS. Sorry, this got long. Does anyone have any advice?

For that last part, do not worry. Since you have time, save up and invest in the Lady-Comp or its child, the Daysy. It even works for women with PCOS. Read about those too and prepare for your future.

For the rest of your story, I personally think that he is not the man that would lead me to Jesús

 

[ShrodingersCat]

My advice is stop dating if you aren’t willing to/wanting to get married for 4 years. Or get married while going to school (yes people do this all the time).

Additionally, he is NOT the guy for you. You do not share values…pushing your boundaries is NOT OK. he won’t magically change if you do marry him.

While I am inclined to agree with your second paragraph, as long as a couple is not struggling too much with purity (which isn’t the case here admittedly), there is no reason not to date for a long time if age is the barrier. Marrying young is judged to be imprudent by some. I don’t really believe that many kids in college are ready for marriage until they’ve been in the workforce and made a living for themselves for a while. I know that is just my opinion, but I dated the same guy from 18-24 and it all worked out fine. Although I understand that America is different from where I come from, even “traditional” Catholics here would have a heart attack at someone in their late teens / very early 20s wanting to get married.

 

[1ke]

While I am inclined to agree with your second paragraph, as long as a couple is not struggling too much with purity (which isn’t the case here admittedly), there is no reason not to date for a long time if age is the barrier. Marrying young is judged to be imprudent by some. I don’t really believe that many kids in college are ready for marriage until they’ve been in the workforce and made a living for themselves for a while. I know that is just my opinion, but I dated the same guy from 18-24 and it all worked out fine. Although I understand that America is different from where I come from, even “traditional” Catholics here would have a heart attack at someone in their late teens / very early 20s wanting to get married.

People in graduate school are not kids or teens.

 

[Rosebud77]

I am reminded of the Amish take on this…

sacred-texts.com/ame/amish/am07.htm

 

[Memaw]

I’m just feeling down and like I need some encouragement. I’m in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend. We both very much want to get married, but we’re young and thousands of miles apart. I don’t think we’ll be able to get married for about 4 years realistically until we’re out of graduate school and all that. We both want children, we’re both Catholic. Sometimes it’s difficult though because we’re from different ethnic backgrounds and have different religious traditions. His family is less dogmatic than mine. For example, his parents told us it was okay for us to have sex before we’re married. But his family is very spiritual. At any rate, both he and I struggle greatly with personal sexual sin. He doesn’t think things like the solitary sin are wrong, unlike me, even though I struggle with it. He agrees that we shouldn’t have sex until marriage, but he is very eager to push the boundaries. It has been very difficult for me to say no. We talk about it, but in the moment we just seem to keep pushing things too much and I feel very guilty about it. I don’t feel pure. And I feel bad letting it keep happen because I know I’m responsible for his purity even if he doesn’t seem to value it. I know we need to learn self control, but it’s hard when we only see each other a few times a year, it’s like all this pent up passion. I’m worried about the future and trying to make NFP work, especially since I have PCOS. Sorry, this got long. Does anyone have any advice?

Just remember, if you REALLY love someone you would NOT want to be responsible for them committing a mortal sin and possibly dying before they repent. You wouldn’t want that for yourself either if you love and respect your self. I know more people that have died suddenly than not. And I’m nearly 80 years old. So I have seen lots die over the years. If your thousands of miles apart why do you need NFP??? God Bless, Memaw

 

[Rosebud77]

Just remember, if you REALLY love someone you would NOT want to be responsible for them committing a mortal sin and possibly dying before they repent. You wouldn’t want that for yourself either if you love and respect your self. I know more people that have died suddenly than not. And I’m nearly 80 years old. So I have seen lots die over the years. If your thousands of miles apart why do you need NFP??? God Bless, Memaw

Well said Memaw and I agree… I am almost as old as you are

 

[Memaw]

Well said Memaw and I agree… I am almost as old as you are

My first husband and I lost our 5th baby at 6 months into my pregnancy. My Dr. (Not Catholic) tried to talk me into taking the pill. My husband said, “We don’t need that”, and we didn’t!!! 4 months later my husband died instantly in an accident. I have always been so very thankful we weren’t doing anything sinful and he had received Communion just a couple days before he died. God Bless. Memaw

 

[Wesrock]

This isn’t really going to be helpful, but modern day schooling really throws a wrench into human nature, raising the age of marriage and putting off that type of union for those who would not commit themselves to lifetime celibacy. That’s not to bash schooling at all. It’s a wonderful thing. Still . . .