Looking for advice - am I handling this right?

[QuadRapids]

I am looking for some advice. I want to know if I am doing the right thing. This may sound childish, but I feel like nothing else has worked.

First off my husband is watching porn. Not often, but still it’s wrong. I know this is a common problem, but it’s not something I’m okay with. He has given me several reasons to be suspicious and I finally put some controls on his account from mine and I saw he was watching porn. I told him this was wrong and he said he knew and wouldn’t do it again. I then caught him at a strip club. Again, he was sorry and wrong, bla bla.

Apparently not wrong enough because I found more evidence he was looking at porn again and at least thinking of going to strip clubs ( possibly worse). I am worried he’s only a step away from having sex with another woman - any woman in a club, or where he works - you name it. He seems to be heading down a wrong path and he doestn’ care.

He got mad at first that I “snooped” but then again with the he was wrong.

Well, I thought after that he learned his lesson and kind of forgot about it. I would even get things on my computer saying there was new parental control information but I wouldn’t really look that often because I didn’t think I had reason to. He has asked me for the last week why his e-mail won’t open because of parental control and wanted to know what it was (he doesnt’ know about the parental control).

Well, I know he shouldn’t have this problem because I made sure the control was only for blocking porn and I checked to make sure it would NOT block e-mail and regular sites by spending time on his screen name. But I trusted him and thought maybe I should check the controls to see if it was being an inconvenience things like e-mail and to my suprise I see on the blocked websites - porn websites. 8 times trying to get onto porn sites blocked. I also saw 5 overides which suggests to me he used my password to override parental controls to see porn. It’s too bad that I can’t see the dates of the porn and override to make sure it was for the porn sites.

Sorry this is getting long. Telling him it’s wrong to God and Jesus (he has religions statutes ALL OVER the house) has not worked. Talking to him has not worked. Nothing is working. I kind of decided to shame him. I thought about making him an account on this porn site he seems to love so much and I made a copy of the parental control screen to prove he’s been on it. I printed him off a list of strip clubs and other things he seems to be into and made a little book. I wanted to give it to him to “increase his happiness from porn and to give him new ideas”. I truly think this will SHOCK him that I would do this (he would know It wouldn’t be serious and that I’m making a point). I could just imagine the look on his face as I hand him a book that says
______'s guide to porn and strip clubs" with login instructions for his new porn account, and pages of addresses for strip clubs with little passages written from me like “this one sounds fun” and “isn’t this where you went before?”

I think shame is my only tool left. Even talking to a priest and having him talk to a priest has not helped. Either that, or I am thinking about keeping an eye on him again and if i see more porn sites (maybe he slipped once), I want to get a key logger program and will record EVERYTHING for me to see - what he looks up in search engines, what videos he’s watching - everything. and if I see more, pardon the saying, all hell is going to break loose.

What should I do? Am I being immature? Am I right in how to handle this?

Edit - just what else if anything can I do? I am in a fragile pregnancy right now and I can’t handle this. I can’t handle his **** anymore.

 

[QuadRapids]

that **** is c-r-a-p. sorry, it wouldn’t let me edit it and I didn’t know it was make it look like ****. didn’t want anything thinking I was saying any other 4 letter words

 

[Eucharisted]

Tell him he can make a choice: Porn or you.

 

[Catholic1954]

He knows what he is doing is wrong, there is no need to present him with “proof”. It sounds like it is time for you two to have a very serious discussion about your marriage and where it is going. If he is unwilling to stop, there isn’t much more you can do about it; he will find a way. You can try marriage counceling; if he won’t go, go by yourself.

 

[whatevergirl]

*i’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Porn is a killer of marriages…it is such an insidious thing. It is a destroyer of trust and purity…I will keep you both in my prayers.

I agree with Eucharisted…you have been patient. You put controls on the computer. That didn’t seem to work…then, he is going to strip clubs. I think that your husband needs separate counseling, as well, to get to the root of why he wants to be so reckless with his life. You could both go to counseling, also. I do believe that with God, all things are possible, and that includes sexual sin and porn viewing. I am not a proponent of ultimatums, but you don’t want to live your marriage like this, either. Something’s gotta give, as they say.

I will hold you in my prayers…I’d make an appt with your priest…see if your dh will go. If he chooses not to, you go. Find a counselor and try to set up a time for you both to start going. If he chooses not to, you go. Your husband will have to make a choice though, at some point.

Lifting you up in prayer. (((hugs)))*

 

[flyingfish]

I think shame is my only tool left. Even talking to a priest and having him talk to a priest has not helped. Either that, or I am thinking about keeping an eye on him again and if i see more porn sites (maybe he slipped once),** I want to get a key logger program and will record EVERYTHING for me to see - what he looks up in search engines, what videos he’s watching - everything. and if I see more, pardon the saying, all hell is going to break loose.
**
What should I do? Am I being immature? Am I right in how to handle this?

Edit - just what else if anything can I do? I am in a fragile pregnancy right now and I can’t handle this. I can’t handle his **** anymore.

I think you need to learn to be at peace with the fact that you cannot control anyone but yourself.

It is unfortunate that your husband looks at porn and goes to strip clubs, but you have to accept that you cannot physically stop him. Putting a keylogger on his computer so that you could see everything he does won’t stop him, putting parental control software won’t stop him.

You can take away his computer, disconnect the internet, sell the DVD player, and still you won’t be able to stop him from going to strip clubs, or from going to sex stores.

I don’t know if shaming him will work. I don’t have experience with something like that. How frequently does he look at porn? Do you think he might be addicted to the point that it is beyond his control?

The decision to stop has to be his own. All you can do is tell him how deeply it hurts you and hope that he will change. It is possible that he will never change. Then you have to work on accepting what you cannot change, and being a happy woman nonetheless.

It is possible for you to be a happily married woman even if your husband looks at porn. Most men look at porn, and their wives are still able to be happy.

You just have to find a way to change your perspective on life, and treat porn just like you would any other sin. It’s a fact that most of us will sin from time to time, very few are saints.

 

[aicirt]

There was a movie which is now out on DVD called FIREPROOF. It is about a marriage such as yours re. the husband’s addiction to porn. The director and actor is well known. I think it is Kurt Cameron. He’s a Christian and the movie is pretty good.

 

[dulcissima]

I think that this addiction might have a lot of similarities to alcoholism, so maybe you should approach it the way that you would if he was having a problem drinking. I don’t think it will yield good results to have you be his mom and police everything. Somehow you need to find a way to communicate to him that you know what he is doing and that it is totally unacceptable. I also think that there need to be consequences that he can see, so that he gets the cause and effect…porn is poison to your marriage. Counseling is probably the best way that you can approach this in a constructive manner. Even if he won’t do couples counseling, please do look into individual counseling for you…so that you will know the right way to handle this.

 

[caoindealbhan]

You need to decide whether you NEED to be married to a porn addict and love him. He may never recover. It may get much worse before he gets counseling. So once again, you can only control what you will do, based on who you love and need.

    My sister-in-law discovered she needed to be married to an alcoholic and loved him, not because he could recover but as he was then.  Thank God he sought help and has many years of sobriety now.

     Spread some AA material around the computer.  See what happens.

 

[whatevergirl]

You need to decide whether you NEED to be married to a porn addict and love him. He may never recover. It may get much worse before he gets counseling. So once again, you can only control what you will do, based on who you love and need.

    My sister-in-law discovered she needed to be married to an alcoholic and loved him, not because he could recover but as he was then.  Thank God he sought help and has many years of sobriety now.

     Spread some AA material around the computer.  See what happens.

*This is a very humble response to living with someone with such an addiction. I appreciate your insight. Please read some other threads on this, Quadrapids–you’ll see you’re not alone. Again, praying for you. *

 

[royal_archer]

I am looking for some advice. I want to know if I am doing the right thing. This may sound childish, but I feel like nothing else has worked.
…
What should I do? Am I being immature? Am I right in how to handle this?

Don’t think you are part of the problem, but consider how you can be part of the solution. At work when we have a big problem that is hard to correct we do a 5-why analysis. That is ask why is the bad thing happening. to that answer, you ask why again, and again, and again. Basically you want to get to the route of the problem. The online activity is probably a symptom of a greater problem.

Since you are monitoring his activity, you might be able to see some trends. That you can relate to events in his real life.

If the porn is an escape mechanism for him, shaming him may make the situation worse. His “imaginary friends” are not judgmental.

It could also be that the initial incident or what proceeded it caused a chasm in your relationship that has emotionally separated you. If the imaginary friends are a coping mechanism to deal with that emotional separation, attacking him or them may back fire. If that is the case you may need to deal with the emotional chasm first. This may be addressable in marriage counseling. But will only be effective if you are willing to work to fix the relationship. If each of you is only willing to go half way, it will never work. Each of you has to be willing to go all the way for each other. After you deal with those underlying issues, the online stuff may be easier to deal with if not a moot point.

 

[Galnextdoor]

Dear QuadRapids:

Instead of making the nasty book, try reading together some real books about religion, sex and creation. Maybe you could try reading Pope Benedicts letter about love. Then you might try “Theology of the Body for Beginners” by Christopher West. He also did a series on EWTN about creation. These might open his eyes to the fact that sex is supposed to be an expression of love.

Also, you might help to figure out ways to keep him from spending long periods of time alone on the computer. This might lessen his temptation to visit porn sites.

Another thing that might help is to have him watch a series on EWTN called Crossing the Goal . It’s hosted by a former NFL coach and it’s for men. It talks about about the 7 deadly sins and how men commit them. They give suggestions to men about how to avoid committing the sin, how to be men and do the right thing, and be a soldier for Christ.

Maybe if your husbands energies can be directed to things like I mentioned above, he will be able to overcome his problem. Good Luck! I will keep both of you in my prayers.

 

[kage_ar]

First thing Monday, call and make an appointment to go in and talk to your Priest.

 

[bmaj]

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this also. I’ve been dealing with it for awhile now with my husband. Unfortunately I think there are far too many marriages that are being hurt by this sin. The below link to the thread I started a few months ago here at CAF may have some ideas that will help you also as they’ve helped me tremendously to cope:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=341948

It’s very good that at least your husband admits it’s wrong (mine doesn’t). Does he still go to Mass? Confession? That might help tremendously. The strip clubs are a horrible aspect also. Porn is available EVERYWHERE, not just on the internet, so it’s hard to know how to escape its claws and even how to bear to live with a spouse viewing it. I’ve found praying definitely helps - both praying for my husband and for our marriage. Please know that our Lord is with you, no matter what, and none of what your husband views is a reflection on you (it took me a long time to believe that). Please take care of YOURSELF ESPECIALLY and know that you are in my prayers for strength to get through whatever lies ahead. Many couples at here at CAF have conquered this parasite in their marriages, so there is definitely hope, and they can be a wonderful support system for you as they continue to be for me. I pray your marriage can become part of those positive statistics.

 

[Guitar]

It is possible for you to be a happily married woman even if your husband looks at porn. Most men look at porn, and their wives are still able to be happy.

Eh? That’s news to me, on both counts.

Perhaps I have misunderstood you, in which case I’m sorry, but if so, I doubt I’m the only one. It would most certainly not be possible in my case, nor in the case of dozens of women who post here about porn and its effects on their marriages.

No answers here, Quad, but prayers for you both.

 

[flyingfish]

Eh? That’s news to me, on both counts.

Perhaps I have misunderstood you, in which case I’m sorry, but if so, I doubt I’m the only one. It would most certainly not be possible in my case, nor in the case of dozens of women who post here about porn and its effects on their marriages.

No answers here, Quad, but prayers for you both.

Well, I’m just going by statistics here about how prevalent pornography is. wsr.byu.edu/content/national-pornography-statistics

*

  Men admitting to accessing pornography at work 20%
*

  US adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites 40 million
*

  Promise Keeper men who viewed pornography in last week 53%
*

  Christians who said pornography is a major problem in the home 47%
*

  Adults admitting to Internet sexual addiction 10%
*

  Breakdown of male/female visitors to pornography sites 72% male - 28% female

Daily pornographic search engine requests 68 million (25% of total search engine requests)

It’s just a sad truth of modern society. Chances are that you or your spouse will be into online pornography.

I’m not saying it’s okay that things are this way, I’m just saying that this is the way things are. And there isn’t much that we can do about it. And younger men, having grown up with internet access, are probably irrecoverable.

It seems to me that the option more often than not would be to remain single, or to consent to marry a man who looks at porn. A reasonable best case scenario would seem to be to find a man who doesn’t look at porn too often.

 

[kage_ar]

Polls, they are asked to get the results wanted by the person publishing the poll.

What this means is X % of the people WHO ANSWERED THAT POLL checked a box marked Christian or Promise Keepers. That does not mean that they are practicing Catholics.

 

[kage_ar]

A reasonable best case scenario would seem to be to find a man who doesn’t look at porn too often.

So, would you also marry a man who"

• does not commit adultery too often
• does not lie too often
• does not own slaves too often
• does not steal too often
• does not get drunk too often
• does not murder too often
• does not intentionally miss Mass too often
• does not beat his kids too often
• does not mock his mother too often

Porn is a grave sin. Why do people want to gloss over it and call it something else?

If you will accept grave sin as long as it is not too often, then, you will accept all sin.

 

[flyingfish]

So, would you also marry a man who"

• does not commit adultery too often
• does not lie too often
• does not own slaves too often
• does not steal too often
• does not get drunk too often
• does not murder too often
• does not intentionally miss Mass too often
• does not beat his kids too often
• does not mock his mother too often

Porn is a grave sin. Why do people want to gloss over it and call it something else?

If you will accept grave sin as long as it is not too often, then, you will accept all sin.

I think the reason why people might want to gloss over it is because people want to marry and have families.

The choice isn’t between a perfect husband who does not look at porn and one who does. The choice for most of us is between one who does and none at all.

I don’t think you can quite compare sins even if they are all grave. For example, does a Catholic who commit murder or rape really on the same level as a Catholic who intentionally misses Mass?

 

[kage_ar]

I think the reason why people might want to gloss over it is because people want to marry and have families.

The choice isn’t between a perfect husband who does not look at porn and one who does. The choice for most of us is between one who does and none at all.

There are hundreds of thousands of faithful men (and women) of integrity who do not look at porn.

I don’t think you can quite compare sins even if they are all grave. For example, does a Catholic who commit murder or rape really on the same level as a Catholic who intentionally misses Mass?

When you go to Mass, does it really matter if you came there by way of a limo or the city bus? The important thing is you are at the celebration of the Holy Mass.

If you go to hell, does it matter the mortal sin that got you there? The important thing is, you are eternally separated from God.