Looking for advice from a husband's perspective?

[Schieffelin]

This is one of those rare occasions where I would probably just end up giving an ultimatum like “Dear, I’m happy you have fun playing with your friends every night, but if you don’t start picking up after yourself immediately afterwards then I have to ask that you guys take it to someone else’s house”

This is of course only if it really really bothers you and you can’t get anything else to work. In general you don’t want to treat your husband like a kid–but at the same time you have to set boundaries so it won’t get worse. It’s really an issue of respect. I’ve had some situations like this with my husband and he is slowly but surely getting better at respecting my wishes (or at least finding an acceptable compromise).

 

[faithfully]

This is one of those rare occasions where I would probably just end up giving an ultimatum like “Dear, I’m happy you have fun playing with your friends every night, but if you don’t start picking up after yourself immediately afterwards then I have to ask that you guys take it to someone else’s house”

This is of course only if it really really bothers you and you can’t get anything else to work. In general you don’t want to treat your husband like a kid–but at the same time you have to set boundaries so it won’t get worse. It’s really an issue of respect. I’ve had some situations like this with my husband and he is slowly but surely getting better at respecting my wishes (or at least finding an acceptable compromise).

Either this or leave it. He only cleans a little bit for his friends. Or maybe a sign… “your mother doesn’t live here. so clean up your mess.” And then leave it.

My DH has a habit of leaving all messes behind. I pick up the ones the ones in my way. I absolutely leave the rest. He has left one in a shared area. where I workout area for over 2 months now. He did just get the message that when I have time I will clean out whatever I don’t see value in. It’s a choice he’s more than welcome to make. he’s already had 8 weeks. And until I’m done with a few projects he easily has 2-3 more.

I figure it has no value by the way he treats his things… Same rule with the kids.

 

[Groo]

You could try telling him how you feel when the mess isn’t picked up.

For instance, ‘I feel sad that I can’t use this space for my yoga.’ Or, ‘I feel afraid that I will not be able to enjoy some of my activities.’

Whatever you say, the message should be focused on your feelings and not on what he is doing wrong. If he gets defensive (and he probably will), don’t fight back. Let him rant if he feels the need to; then walk away. You might need to repeat this 100 times for it to stick (we men are dense), but I think it will work once he sees how his negligence is hurting you.

I learned this approach in couseling and have used this with my wife. It has really helped improve our communication.

 

[Joe_Hepperle]

Wow - you ask for a husband’s perspective and a bunch of women answer. Even ones with men’s user-names answer like women. Here is an answer from a real man. First, start realizing that you don’t get 100 percent control. You two are supposed to be partners in the marriage. You seem to believe “partners” means that you say jump, and his obligation is to only ask “How high?”. You ask us how to make him jump when you say jump. You say that he doesn’t even see the [other] messes that drive you crazy. If you’re a 100 percent clean freak, and he is a zero percent clean freak, you should be happy if half of the house is clean. If he bends a little your way, and you bend a little his way, then you should be happy if 75 percent of the house is clean. But no! You want it all your way - 100 percent clean!

Your husband is ALREADY bending your way by silently suffering through your incomprehensible need to have a shelf dedicated to knick-knacks. Want to know what he REALLY thinks about your useless, pointless knick-knacks? Tell him that you want to learn how to shoot a gun next Saturday, AND that you and he can use your knick-knacks as TARGETS… watch how brightly his eyes light up. Watch how eager he is to go out and help you blast your knick-knacks to smithereens. And what about those two pieces of glorified floor carpet that you have on the toilet? (One piece on the tank cover and the other on the seat cover). Your husband is already bending your way - suffering through your inane need to have floor carpet on the toilet tank and bowl unit. Also, he is bending your way by silently suffering through your unfathomable addiction to South American weeds growing INSIDE your house (you call them “lovely potted plants”). What? You don’t think he is silently suffering with your addiction to growing weeds inside your house? Try this test then – tell him that you don’t think your potted plants are getting the nutrients they need. Tell him that you’ve heard that urine is great for them. Tell him that you would really appreciate it if he would urinate on the potted plants everytime he has to ‘go’. I guarantee that those same plants that he never cared about before will now be eagerly given the “urine treatment” - and he’ll have a smile on his face while he’s doing it, thoroughly zig-zagging his aim to ensure that he covers the WHOLE plant.

Don’t make the mistake of throwing his stuff away as some women (and girly-boys) have already suggested. If your husband is a real man, the minute you start throwing his stuff away he will go through the house and throw all your useless stuff away. That means all your ceramic figurine knick-knacks, all your “potted plant” weeds, all your doileys and other useless cloth items laying around the furniture. Your toilet covers that you think are “cute” will be yanked off the toilet and unceremoniously thrown in the trash. The man’s rule is simple - you don’t throw his stuff away, and he will return the favor and not throw your stuff away. He is already bending over backwards to please you by not insisting that you rid that house of all YOUR useless junk you have collected and now leave laying around. The least you can do is quit trying to be the dictatorial “my way or the highway” boss. Bend a little his way. The “mess”, as you call it, is a TROPHY to your husband. What you call a “mess” is actually his TROPHY and PROOF that he has friends; PROOF that he and his friends have fun together, and PROOF that something exciting happened the last time they got together. Just as the pictures you took on your last vacation remind you of the good time you had then, his “mess” reminds him of his good friends and of the great time they had when they were there. Everytime he walks past those mementos, he has happy memories overtake his mind. Then you destroy his contentment with your selfishness. You demand that the WHOLE HOUSE must conform to your personal standard. You insist that the one small part of the house that conforms to HIS standard must immediately be changed and made to conform to your standard - and your standard alone. No room for sharing, or compromise, or give-and-take there. It’s clear that you don’t view your marriage as a partnership. Instead you make it clear here that you view your life with your husband as a relationship between a boss (you) and a worker (your husband) - or as a relationship between a Lord and a Serf. You come complain that your worker, your Serf, is not performing the duties as laid out by you, the Master, or they are not being done to your singular, selfish, non-compromising personal standard.

You say the area where they have fun - but don’t clean to your demanding satisfaction - is the same area where you keep your Yoga rug. To help you understand how incomprehensibly frivolous you are, try this experiment. The next time the “mess” is there, take your husband to that room. With one hand, pick up your Yoga rug so it is hanging in front of you. Then with your other hand, point at the “mess”. Then, while holding that pose, say to your husband, “Honey, you know how much this mess drives me CRAZY. Well, honey, some guy on the internet said that it is abundantly clear that I did not read the Yoga Rug Owner’s Guidebook. That internet guy said that if I actually would READ the Yoga Rug Operator’s Manual, and use the rug PROPERLY, I wouldn’t be driven crazy by these remnants you and your friends left here.”

Your husband will probably fall to the floor in hysterical laughter while nodding his head in agreement that the “internet guy” is right. If you have lost or misplaced your Yoga Rug Operation Manual, you can easily find the usage procedure by Googling the following phrase, “purpose of Yoga”.

Life is about the journey, not about your house. Enjoy LIFE, not your worldly goods, and especially stop obsessing about whether 100 percent of your house conforms to some fake “cleanliness” standards that you made up yourself.

 

[underacloud]

This:

Hmm, I am pretty messy person, but maybe making it easier to clean up would help. Place a garbage can (with bag) in the room, and maybe some selves/storage box for the cards/maps/books and a container for the die. Then talk to your dh, his friends should really be helping him clean up his space, he should make it part of the evening. He should send the garbage bag out the door with one of his friends (when I was a custodian we always kept a roll of bags in the bottom of the trash can, so there was always a new bag to put in the empty trash can), the rest should put all the stuff away on the shelf right their next to the table. This should all be done before he goes to bed for the evening.

And then this:

You pick your battles. You’ve asked, and he’s still not doing it. I would simply do it myself and not say another word.

Pile the game stuff up in a corner and get rid of all the rest. It could attract bugs and vermin to leave pop cans, food crumbs, etc.

As others have said, don’t throw out his stuff (other than used wrappers etc). Make it easy fo him to do it himself, and if he doesn’t do it on the night, pack it up and put it away. If he objects to this, then politely point out that you’ve tried to make it as easy as poiisbile for him, but given that it is a shared space in the house, it is reasonable that it should be kept tidied.

I am a husband, but perhaps ironically (with regard to sexist stereotypes) my wife is the far messier spouse. I can’t chance her and I just learn to live with the best ongoing compromises we can find. I clean up what I feel I can myself, but struggle when it’s her stuff and I don’t know what’s important, what needs to go where, and what can be thrown out. I try to contain it to certain spaces and suggest that she goes through it herself. I pick my battles in other areas of the house - I focus on keeping the kitchen clean so I can cook properly (I do most of the cooking) and the living room. Other parts of the house I choose to ignore as best I can. So yes, pick your battles.

PS I must note that we haven’t heard your husbands side of this story, so don’t feel *too *inclined to take responses here as justification of your position. That’s not to say that you’re not right in this case, just that none of us can really know either way.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Wow - you ask for a husband’s perspective and a bunch of women answer. Even ones with men’s user-names answer like women.

Excuse me? Please tell me all about how my answer was “womanly.”

Here is an answer from a real man.

Wow.

But no! You want it all your way - 100 percent clean!

Where are you getting this from? Seriously? I can’t understand how you reached this conclusion.

She said:

DH doesn’t want me to touch it, because he feels it is his responsibility to clean it up. He feels bad if I do it. But here’s the thing—He doesn’t do it.

So she has offered to clean it up, but he refuses her that.

She’s being more than reasonable IMO, by giving him multiple days to clean it, by trying to pick it up herself, etc.

Your husband is ALREADY bending your way by silently suffering through your incomprehensible need to have a shelf dedicated to knick-knacks. Want to know what he REALLY thinks about your useless, pointless knick-knacks? Tell him that you want to learn how to shoot a gun next Saturday, AND that you and he can use your knick-knacks as TARGETS… watch how brightly his eyes light up.

Watch how eager he is to go out and help you blast your knick-knacks to smithereens. And what about those two pieces of glorified floor carpet that you have on the toilet? (One piece on the tank cover and the other on the seat cover). Your husband is already bending your way - suffering through your inane need to have floor carpet on the toilet tank and bowl unit.

Wow… just wow. First of all, where did she mention her “knick knacks”? Or even potted plants? I didn’t see that. I saw mention of a piano and a yoga mat. So what?

Second, why would her husband take delight in destroying her things and being vindictive to her? It sounds like you are bringing your own issues into this… wow…wow.

Don’t make the mistake of throwing his stuff away as some women (and girly-boys) have already suggested. If your husband is a real man, the minute you start throwing his stuff away he will go through the house and throw all your useless stuff away. That means all your ceramic figurine knick-knacks, all your “potted plant” weeds, all your doileys and other useless cloth items laying around the furniture. Your toilet covers that you think are “cute” will be yanked off the toilet and unceremoniously thrown in the trash. The man’s rule is simple - you don’t throw his stuff away, and he will return the favor and not throw your stuff away. He is already bending over backwards to please you by not insisting that you rid that house of all YOUR useless junk you have collected and now leave laying around.

Again where the heck are you getting this from? Are you reading posts that don’t exist???

The least you can do is quit trying to be the dictatorial “my way or the highway” boss.

She isn’t.

Bend a little his way. The “mess”, as you call it, is a TROPHY to your husband. What you call a “mess” is actually his TROPHY and PROOF that he has friends; PROOF that he and his friends have fun together, and PROOF that something exciting happened the last time they got together. Just as the pictures you took on your last vacation remind you of the good time you had then, his “mess” reminds him of his good friends and of the great time they had when they were there. Everytime he walks past those mementos, he has happy memories overtake his mind. Then you destroy his contentment with your selfishness.

What in the…??? Again, where are you getting any of this from?

And seriously who keeps garbage and fast food wrapped as “mementos”? Why do you think he does? And who need “mementos” of an event they host almost every week?

You demand that the WHOLE HOUSE must conform to your personal standard.

She seems fine with letting them play, letting them take over the area and make a mess. That does not sound very controlling.

Meanwhile, not having filth and garbage around for extended periods of time sounds like a reasonable standard.

You insist that the one small part of the house that conforms to HIS standard must immediately be changed and made to conform to your standard - and your standard alone.

AGAIN where do you get this from? Where do you get the idea that this is “his” “only” section of the house? It is clear that this is a shared section of the house, as evidenced by her piano, yoga mat, etc.

No room for sharing,

Um, again, they play every week. So what are you talking about?

or compromise, or give-and-take there.

Allowing him to leave a gigantic mess in a shared area of the home for 3-4 days is not
compromise?

You say the area where they have fun - but don’t clean to your demanding satisfaction - is the same area where you keep your Yoga rug. To help you understand how incomprehensibly frivolous you are, try this experiment.

What?

Is this guy trolling us or what???

 

[underacloud]

Is this guy trolling us or what???

Highly likely, so please don’t feed the trolls. Ignore them. I’m sure the OP has enough sense to disregard the post, which was most unhelpful and quite absurd.

 

[bunnykisses88]

I’m a wife sorry but this would make me so mad. I would tell my hubby to clean it up or I will right now. If he cares so much for his stupid game he should put it up. I would also express how mad I would be if he cared enough to clean up for his friends but not for me.

It is not about being a clean freak but about not having a room reeking of food with flies and roaches about. If I wanted to use that room I ,personally, probably wouldn’t push all that stuff aside…I would just tell him I need the room so clean your stuff up.

 

[Joe_Hepperle]

Excuse me? Please tell me all about how my answer was “womanly.”

Happy to oblige Luxy. You started your feminine answer with –

…while you are respecting his wishes to have his D&D stuff left alone …] it sounds like he has not been respecting your equally valid wish of having the area cleaned

Unfortunately you then fail to EVER defend what you yourself here claim is an “equally valid” wish of HIS that his stuff be left alone. Instead, the rest of your womanly rant only goes on to reinforce her in her desire to have the whole house, 100 percent, conform to her selfish singular idea of how it should look. If you were to attempt to answer in a manly fashion, you would have instead known that the very fact that he doesn’t clean as SOON as she wants it cleaned means that he (the man, who thinks like a man) does not see any problem with his stuff being left just as it is.

Your next womanly rant said–

If I was in a similar situation, I would respond to something like this:

Well Luxy, if you were a man, you couldn’t be “…in a similar situation…”. Instead you would THINK like a man, and not post the rant you did, encouraging this well-meaning lady to continue to boss her husband around. Your next womanly part of your posting is a doozy. Just like a woman, you subtly change the wording to attempt to win the issue. Here is what she wrote–

…he feels it is his responsibility to clean it up …] Generally, this doesn’t involve going and doing it right away.

And here is your womanly re-write, where, just like a (dishonest?) woman, you subtly change the wording. You wrote that if it was you, you would tell him–

It is also nice of you to accept the responsibility for cleaning up afterwards.

That’s not what he said, and that’s not what she said he said. For sure, physics requires that a cleanup, by default, would have to occur “afterwards”, but he never said he would clean it up “afterwards”, and she herself never wrote in her post that he said that he agreed to clean it up “afterwards”. Ophelia herself clearly wrote that, “Generally, this doesn’t involve going and doing it right away.” But you had no qualms about changing the story to suit your needs, did you?

She continues stating her position by saying that the area DOES get cleaned up EVERY WEEK. Let’s see, his friends come over once a week, and the mess gets cleaned up once a week. That is an exact 1 to 1 ratio. Her only complaint is that it doesn’t happen as quickly as she wants. She says that he cleans it after 3 or 4 days, but sometimes it takes a whole week. Luxy, that means he IS cleaning it up, just not as fast as his “boss” wants him to. So, with that knowledge, let’s see how you dishonestly distort HER own account to win your feminine point. You wrote that you would tell him–

It is also nice of you to accept the responsibility for cleaning up …] But, lately, that hasn’t been happening. I know that you mean to clean up, but you haven’t been doing it.

She says it IS happening, just not as immediately as she wants it. But you, in your feminine voice, -even though it IS happening- would tell him,

…Lately, that hasn’t been happening…

Then you would follow that with,

…but you haven’t been doing it."

To use your own question, back at you, where are you getting this from? Seriously? I can’t understand how you reached this conclusion. Except that I CAN understand how you reached this conclusion that you would say to him that it “wasn’t happening” when she herself says it IS happening, just not as quickly as her selfish self wants it to happen. You reached this conclusion and answer because you are answering like a woman, not like a man.

More to follow…

 

[Tony2255]

Lol This is going to sound highly immoral, but fake an injury. Seriously. When my wife and I first married, I worked nights and I would come home at 3am or 4am and kick off my boots and clothes right at the end of the bed. Every morning she would ask me politely not to leave them there when I got home.

One night as usual I kicked everything off at the end of the bed and went to sleep. About an hour later she got up to use the bathroom tripped on one of my boots and crashed into the wall. Leaving a huge knot on her head.

I can’t begin to describe how guilty I felt. Needless to say, to this day my boots, shoes, sandals, slippers, loafers, and moccasins go IN the closet and my clothes in the hamper. It’s even gotten to the point that I pick up anything she’s left lying around. Which I think she’s doing on purpose.

While you may not have to go through that extreme. If you have a young child maybe saying they got a hold of one of his dice and almost choked or an accidental slip on some papers when hes nearby might put things in perspective. Wrong but effective.

 

[Joe_Hepperle]

I could go on and on detailing every part of your (VeritasLuxMea) womanly posting - but let’s move on to the other points of disbelief you express in your post. Next, you quote me as follows–

Here is an answer from a real man.

To which your only response is “Wow”. I ignored your inability to devise your own word or words to express your dismay. And I actually felt sorry for you that you were apparently raised in an environment where real men don’t exist anymore. Nonetheless, they do, and I do (exist). Because you think like a woman, I know that no list of my “man” credentials would ever satisfy you. But for all the other readers here, here are some of them: I actually love my women. I actually try to please them. I actually try to find a compromise when her vision and my vision don’t exactly match. But, also, like a real man, I do not allow her to boss me around - but, I also do not allow her to allow ME to boss HER around. I encourage my women to think for themselves, to strongly express their ideas and opinions and to NEVER give in to me just because I am the “man”. I always encourage them to think right, do right, and only back down if they know they are wrong. On the flip side. I don’t let my women boss me around. My women respect me because I will listen to them but I don’t give in unless I am wrong. Now, before you go imagining that I must not have any women, let me tell you this. I do. My women are strong women. I am the father of TEN (10) children. Ooops, that blows your, “…he must not have any women…” theory out of the water, huh? Your best bet, Luxy, is to go back to just reading the postings here and only reply when the poster asks, “How would a woman think about this…?”. The OP (Ophelia) needs to stop being selfish by insisting that the house she SHARES with her husband conform only to HER demanding specifications.

More to follow…

 

[_Jenn]

I’m not a husband, but a wife. I think you need to subtly play your cards right and rope his friends into it, without causing your dh any humiliation/aggravation from his buddies.

First, like was mentioned by someone else, put a garbage can (with bag, and with more bags underneath so the full bag is easily replaced) in the room.

Then, next time they are there, be the really sweet wife and bake them cookies (brownies, whatever your “go-to” dessert is that you know your hubby likes. Take them up about a half hour before you know they’ll be wrapping up, and as you set them down, clear away a few (just things that are near where you need to set down the goodies) things and put them in the garbage can. This will alert the other guys that “hey - there is a garbage can in here - maybe we should clean up our own mess”, and maybe, just maybe they will, as a group, clean up before they go.

If it doesn’t work, and some of these guys are people you consider to be friends for you as well, and you know them well enough, the next time they are over, casually look up from whatever you are doing as they arrive and say “sorry guys - no goodies today because you didn’t clean up the mess from last week’s goodies - maybe next week?” And hopefully THAT will give them a hint.

It’s like dealing with anything else - you have to play to your audience. I liken the situation to being a teacher - in order to succeed with (most) students, you need to find the thing that motivates them. Same with this situation, as I see it. Good luck!!!

P.S. Please note that none of what I suggested should be done in a harsh manner. Keep it light and almost playful. After all, you know what they say - “you catch more flies with honey”.

 

[Boulder257]

I need some education. I am VERY sorry for stealing your thread here, so please forgive me. Can someone explain the acronym DH? I have seen it a couple of times and thought the poster was using her husbands initials, but now that I have seen several posters use it I figured out it was an acronym Unless you’re all married to the same guy

 

[Irishmom2]

Obviously I am not a guy, but that didn’t stop anyone else from answering.

First, I would not clean up the mess. Second, I would not mention or remind him of the mess. (I might go in and selectively remove any food items that might draw bugs or mice, but that is it.) Then I would just let the mess be there for next time his friends come over.

Third, I would ask my husband to give up some other space to me for yoga and ask him to get his friends to help move the piano to the living room even if it meant removing his favorite TV viewing chair to fit it in the room.

OR, I would take all my stuff from crafting, scrapbooking, magazine clippings or whatever is your thing and put them all on the table in the room he will be using for his friends. Enough stuff to really be in the way. Maybe he will get the point then.

 

[_Jenn]

I need some education. I am VERY sorry for stealing your thread here, so please forgive me. Can someone explain the acronym DH? I have seen it a couple of times and thought the poster was using her husbands initials, but now that I have seen several posters use it I figured out it was an acronym Unless you’re all married to the same guy

LOL Nope, not all married to the same guy. DH is dear husband. You’ll also see DW(wife), DD(daughter), & DS(son). D typically stands for dear, or maybe darling.

 

[LightBound]

I could go on and on detailing every part of your (VeritasLuxMea) womanly posting - but let’s move on to the other points of disbelief you express in your post. Next, you quote me as follows–

To which your only response is “Wow”. I ignored your inability to devise your own word or words to express your dismay. And I actually felt sorry for you that you were apparently raised in an environment where real men don’t exist anymore. Nonetheless, they do, and I do (exist). Because you think like a woman, I know that no list of my “man” credentials would ever satisfy you. But for all the other readers here, here are some of them: I actually love my women. I actually try to please them. I actually try to find a compromise when her vision and my vision don’t exactly match. But, also, like a real man, I do not allow her to boss me around - but, I also do not allow her to allow ME to boss HER around. I encourage my women to think for themselves, to strongly express their ideas and opinions and to NEVER give in to me just because I am the “man”. I always encourage them to think right, do right, and only back down if they know they are wrong. On the flip side. I don’t let my women boss me around. My women respect me because I will listen to them but I don’t give in unless I am wrong. Now, before you go imagining that I must not have any women, let me tell you this. I do. My women are strong women. I am the father of TEN (10) children. Ooops, that blows your, “…he must not have any women…” theory out of the water, huh? Your best bet, Luxy, is to go back to just reading the postings here and only reply when the poster asks, “How would a woman think about this…?”. The OP (Ophelia) needs to stop being selfish by insisting that the house she SHARES with her husband conform only to HER demanding specifications.

More to follow…

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=116150

 

[Aggie414]

Dear Ophelia23–

If your husband is going to act like a child, he needs to be treated on the same level. Give him a timeframe and a consequence, then follow through if he doesn’t:

“I want this cleaned up by 3:00 today. If it isn’t, I’m throwing everything in the trash.”

Then DO IT.

I need only mention “paper plates” to make Ushi cringe over the time she wouldn’t wash dishes when she was told, and I threw them all away rather than washing them myself. She had to eat microwave suppers (threw out the cookware too) off of paper plates for over a year. And to this day, she’s very conscientious about washing dishes.

Jala

While I’m not married – nor am I a guy – I would think that this line would be a fast-track to disaster. He is not the OP’s child, he’s her husband; and should not be treated as if he was a child. She’s already said he just doesn’t see the messes. Is not cleaning up after his game inconsiderate, probably; but from what she says I doubt it’s intentional. It’s just not that big a deal to him.

I like some of the others’ suggestions of just go in there quietly and clean it since it’s a big deal to her or get rid of the stuff that would draw critters (food, et cetera) or as someone else said, just ask him and his buddies to move her stuff to another part of the house so he can have his man cave and not have to worry about their stuff getting in each others’ way.

 

[Armor_of_Light]

Dear Ophelia23–

If your husband is going to act like a child, he needs to be treated on the same level. Give him a timeframe and a consequence, then follow through if he doesn’t:

“I want this cleaned up by 3:00 today. If it isn’t, I’m throwing everything in the trash.”

Then DO IT.

I need only mention “paper plates” to make Ushi cringe over the time she wouldn’t wash dishes when she was told, and I threw them all away rather than washing them myself. She had to eat microwave suppers (threw out the cookware too) off of paper plates for over a year. And to this day, she’s very conscientious about washing dishes.

Jala

WRONG

WIFE FAIL.

If you are going to post as a child I’ll have to treat you like a child.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Lol This is going to sound highly immoral, but fake an injury. Seriously. When my wife and I first married, I worked nights and I would come home at 3am or 4am and kick off my boots and clothes right at the end of the bed. Every morning she would ask me politely not to leave them there when I got home.

One night as usual I kicked everything off at the end of the bed and went to sleep. About an hour later she got up to use the bathroom tripped on one of my boots and crashed into the wall. Leaving a huge knot on her head.

I can’t begin to describe how guilty I felt. Needless to say, to this day my boots, shoes, sandals, slippers, loafers, and moccasins go IN the closet and my clothes in the hamper. It’s even gotten to the point that I pick up anything she’s left lying around. Which I think she’s doing on purpose.

While you may not have to go through that extreme. If you have a young child maybe saying they got a hold of one of his dice and almost choked or an accidental slip on some papers when hes nearby might put things in perspective. Wrong but effective.

Too passive-aggressive, and it’s lying, so committing a sin is not advisable.

To my mind, it’s an issue of “how much real estate am I giving this inside my own head?” If this issue is bugging me day after day after day, and I think of it enough to post it on an internet forum, what is the action I can take to solve the problem and move on to other things? The quickest thing is to pick up the stuff, put it in a pile and clean up the garbage. To me it’s a case of being practical over continuing to dither and steam about it. Hubby has no idea she is going through all this about his buddies and their gaming. So there are a few options for her:

1. She can pitch a fit, he’ll be surprised, probably clean it up but feel decidedly childlike and as if he’s being scolded by his Mommy.
2. She can be nasty, and throw everything away, thus playing Mommy Dearest, and make him wonder why he married such a B in the first place. She can silently martyr, pick up the stuff, alphabetize the game sheets, and hold it against him forever.
3. She can hint and hint, or lie about injuring herself, or lie that there was a giant rat in the room last night, or any other passive-aggressive indirect manner of not addressing the issue.
4. Or, she can simply smile to herself, say something like, “Well at least it keeps him off the streets,” say a prayer for her slightly immature husband, clean up the major mess and move on, and enjoy her workout.

 

[Ophelia23]

Your husband is ALREADY bending your way by silently suffering through your incomprehensible need to have a shelf dedicated to knick-knacks. Want to know what he REALLY thinks about your useless, pointless knick-knacks?

Truthfully, your entire post is an attack against me. Why? Is it fair to make assumptions such as you are making? Please, don’t assume that my husband is bending over backwards to put up with me. And don’t assume that I am bending over backwards to put up with him. I am so sorry if you are portraying your own marriage here, but it is not a portrayal of mine. I offer you my deepest prayers.