Looking for advice. I'm not sure if I'm in a state of mortal sin

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Bella1234

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Hello,

I’m not new to this forum, but I made another account so that I could ask this question anonymously. I hope you don’t mind.

I’m going to Walsingham this weekend and have been wanting to go for a while, but I’m not as enthusiastic about going now because I might be in a state of mortal sin, and I got the wrong time for confession. My other only chance is to go at Walsingham. You can make a request for one between 11-12, but it’s not definite we will arrive by then.

I’m not even sure if I am in a state of mortal sin. I feel like I am, but I can’t be certain. My first sin was that I missed Mass twice a few weeks ago. I was overburdened with deadlines (I didn’t even have time to sleep every night). I thought it wouldn’t be a mortal sin to miss Mass, because I would have preferred to go, there just wasn’t time.

A second thing… (the reason why I’m asking this anonymously) was that my boyfriend came round my house recently. He started touching me sexually, and I pushed him away and told him to stop. He continued and the only thing that would have stopped him was to shout at him, but my family were in the house.

He’s stronger than me, so I couldn’t stop him without shouting. I just gave in after a while, although I wasn’t completely happy with it. The giving in is what makes me wonder if it’s a mortal sin.

After this, I told him firmly that he wasn’t to repeat that, and he apologised. The second time he came round, it happened again…

I’m not having him round anymore. I don’t hold it against him because my previous boyfriend was like that, so it seems like boys can’t control themselves.

Anyway…

I was hoping for some advice because everyone gives such good advice on here. I’m really sad that I might be in mortal sin while on my first pilgrimage. Miracles happen there. It’s a holy place, but I won’t enjoy it 😦

Thank you so much in advance for taking your time to read all of this. I will be really grateful for any help.
 
I will give you a very short answer - but hopefully one that is encouraging to you. I cannot say for certain that you are in mortal sin either, but my advise is this:
  1. The issues you mention are sufficiently troubling that I would suggest you get to confession as soon as you are able. Talk these matters over with the confessor and receive absolution. Problem solved.
  2. Even if you cannot get to confession quickly - or before you pilgrimage - go on the pilgrimage anyway.
    a) They may provide priests for confession - or you might just happen on a priest there who you could approach.
    b) The action of undertaking the pilgrimage can have a clearing and a healing effect on your soul. As you say, miracles do happen.
It is obvious that, regardless of the gravity of the sins, you have already repented and now you simply need to gain some closure so you can begin to heal. So - draw as near to Him as you can as quickly as you can. He’ll do the rest.

Peace
James
 
Hi,

Kudos for being brave enough to put yourself out here on the forum. First of all, talk to the leader of the trip see if there will be down time, time for Confession. Usually they do have time for that in most circumstances. If the leader of the trip is a priest, I’m sure he could make a few minutes for Confession at some point.

Secondly, I’m not judging you because I struggle with sexual issues myself, but the fact there even was a 2nd time is not good. Once you are clear about someone’s agenda, you are no longer a victim to a “bad boy” you are setting yourself up and blaming “all men are obsessed by sex” as the reason for letting him come back. It gets us off the hook when we allow ourselves to be the “victim”. A priest told me once, “As an adult you are only a victim once, after that you participate in some way in your own victimization”. I was FURIOUS that he would dare say that to me, but after thinking about it a few days, he was dead on–totally right.

Here’s the key question I learned a long time ago when looking at friendships/relationships: “Is this person going to help me in my goal to get to heaven?” Your very first answer, before you try to change it, is the correct answer. This man is NOT going to help you get to heaven. Flat out. Apologies are lame as evidenced by the fact there was a 2nd time after he apologized.

I’m here to tell you all men are NOT like that. There are good, solid, Godly men in the Church who are loving and respectful. When God feels you are ready, that man will be brought into your life.

I pray that you can seek God’s will in your life and that you stand firm. I bought myself a ring I wear on my right hand. It says “Pure Before God” to remind me of my goal to remain spiritually, psychologically, and physically pure/chaste. It’s hard being single, especially because I was married for a total of 20 years, so it’s very hard to suddenly not have intimacy in my life, but the teachings of the Church are very clear on this matter. Sexual expression (in marriage only) is about total self giving of one for love of the other. The fact your bf is doing this speaks volumes about his lack of love, respect, or caring about you having eternal life with our Lord and His Mother in heaven. And letting him do this also says that maybe you don’t love yourself the way you should, I know I don’t. I realized that my self hatred has caused me to set myself up with my own self-fulfilling prophecies…“See I am scum look what I did”. It is only in experiencing God’s love for YOU in it’s totality that you can say that you deserve better in life and an eternity in hell is not a loving option. God doesn’t want that for you.

I will pray for you,
Hugs,

Lorrie

P.S. I would have shouted and left the room. The reason you didn’t might be because you didn’t want him out of your life yet…pray about this and I will pray for you. You are not a bad person, you just need to value yourself (especially your soul) a whole lot more. When I cut off my lover, guess what he did? He came back to the church…and made up with his girlfriend…I was what was standing in between him and God.

Lorrie
 
If you want a good Catholic husband and a happy marriage, find a man that, by the grace of God, can control himself.
 
Thank you very much for your replies. I can always rely on members here to give good advice 🙂

He’s not what some people consider a ‘bad boy’. (I’m not sure what that means, but he doesn’t steal, or drink and he’s nice to everyone etc).

I’m going to stop spending time alone with him. It hurts, but he always makes me feel unhappy when we’re alone. If other people are with us, he won’t try anything. We will probably have to break up soon anyway because he’s not a Catholic, and he wouldn’t want his children baptised. I was praying for his conversion, but it’s been a couple of years now, and he hasn’t shown signs of being influenced.

I don’t see how you could find a good Catholic for a partner. I rarely see people my age at church.

Sorry for being depressing. I’ll go eat some chocolate lol.

Thank you very much, again for your support.
 
Bella1234 said:
Thank you very much for your replies. I can always rely on members here to give good advice 🙂

He’s not what some people consider a ‘bad boy’. (I’m not sure what that means, but he doesn’t steal, or drink and he’s nice to everyone etc).

I’m going to stop spending time alone with him. It hurts, but he always makes me feel unhappy when we’re alone. If other people are with us, he won’t try anything. We will probably have to break up soon anyway because he’s not a Catholic, and he wouldn’t want his children baptized. I was praying for his conversion, but it’s been a couple of years now, and he hasn’t shown signs of being influenced.
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Frankly from what little you have said about him the sooner you break up with him the better. He sounds abusive. If he were, as you say above, “nice to everyone”, why is it he “always makes (you) feel unhappy when (your)'re alone” with him.
Hopefully it is just a matter of his needing to grow up some…but his obvious lack of respect for you is a definite red flag.
I don’t see how you could find a good Catholic for a partner. I rarely see people my age at church.
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One way might be a Catholic dating site…
Sorry for being depressing. I’ll go eat some chocolate lol.
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Did you say CHOCOLATE???..http://www.sherv.net/cm/emoticons/eating/eating-chocolate-bunny.gif
Thank you very much, again for your support.
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You are welcome.

Peace
James
 
Bella1234 said:
A second thing… (the reason why I’m asking this anonymously) was that my boyfriend came round my house recently. He started touching me sexually, and I pushed him away and told him to stop. He continued and the only thing that would have stopped him was to shout at him, but my family were in the house.

He’s stronger than me, so I couldn’t stop him without shouting. I just gave in after a while, although I wasn’t completely happy with it. The giving in is what makes me wonder if it’s a mortal sin.

After this, I told him firmly that he wasn’t to repeat that, and he apologised. The second time he came round, it happened again…

I’m not having him round anymore. I don’t hold it against him because my previous boyfriend was like that, so it seems like boys can’t control themselves.
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Bella,

I’m not Catholic so I won’t address the “missing Mass” part of the question. But what you describe happening with your boyfriend is rape. OK, probably you should have been willing to shout, but clearly you did not act with “full knowledge and deliberate consent.” What you describe is an appalling act by your boyfriend (apparently ex-boyfriend now, which is a very good thing). You need to know that this is a form of violence against you, and you should not assume that all boys will act this way. There are decent men out there. Men can control themselves. If you assume that they can’t, then you send the message that those who act in this boorish, evil way will be tolerated or even rewarded, and that those who don’t are somehow “not normal.” (Sorry if this sounds stern–you’re caught up in all kinds of cultural pressures and assumptions that warp all of us, and you’re not to blame. I’m just trying to send you a strong signal that you don’t have to tolerate this–you deserve better.)

You need to find some wise, kind, older folks you can confide in about this stuff, if you don’t feel comfortable talking to your parents. Internet forums aren’t the best place to get this kind of advice.

God bless,

Edwin
 
Hi Bella,

Do bring up about missing the Mass in your next confession. Sunday Mass (or the Saturday Vigil) is a priority for all us Catholics. I don’t know if you’ve committed mortal sin either, but the priest will be able to help. 🙂

And certainly confess those two instances with the boyfriend. It is indeed a serious issue. I would say shout even if your family was in the house. You may have wanted to protect his good name, which in and of itself is a good thing…but one must protect one’s own soul first. We are allowed to let others know of the sins of another if it is to prevent harm. In this case, it’s harm to yourself. Another example would be quietly letting children’s parents know if someone on the sex offenders list has moved into their neighbourhood). This must always be done in charity, of course; it is never right to reveal someone’s faults to another without an important, urgent reason – doing so is called ‘detraction’ and it is grave matter.

I am very glad that you have decided to stay away from him. As he has allowed himself to yield to temptation in your presence, by removing whatever temptation you may (however unwittingly) provide for him, you are acting very charitably. You are also protecting your own soul. I’d recommend you to avoid talking to him. If there is no way of avoiding talking to him, try to ensure that other responsible people are around and listening to the conversation.

Don’t stay with him in an attempt to change him - you’re putting yourself in far too much danger, as the second occasion has shown. Protect your own soul first. Just pray for him and ask God for the grace to live a pure life.

Don’t fall into the trap of saying to yourself, as Crystalina Evert puts it, “As long as I stay a virgin…” Having no sexual experience is a significant part of maidenhood. While virginity is indeed sacred, being chaste is the real key. And God promises to help us. Even if we have fallen, if we return to Him full of sorrow and with the firm resolve never to go down that road of sexual excess again with the help of His Grace, He will forgive us, and offer the great grace of being able to live a chaste life. This grace is ours if we pray for it and accept it by doing our part to live purely. Thus, Mary Magdalene became Saint Mary Magdalene. 🙂

And do go on pilgrimage. It sounds like a great chance to grow closer to God.

Try not to worry about finding a good, practicing Catholic lad for the time being. God will guide you. He surprised me with a call to contemplative life which I am currently discerning!

Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk more. I will pray for you. 🙂
 
Bella, I think everyone else has answered the question pretty well, but I hope you don’t mind my adding my :twocents: :
  1. Yeah, I think you should mention missing Mass in confession. If you’d like, you can make it the fist thing you confess. Remember that our God is a God of mercy and justice, and that He makes the rules because He loves us and wants our best good. He has created us for infinite happiness in Heaven!
  2. As someone who has struggled with issues of purity and anxiety (and anxiety about purity!) for a long time, I just want to say that you ARE NOT AT FAULT for what your boyfriend did to you. You can still mention it in confession, but I think this was more of an attack than a consensual sin. Please, please remember that you are SO beautiful and precious in God’s eyes, and that He will never stop loving you. Ever. You are the adopted daughter of the King of Kings, which makes you a princess! 😃 You have inherent worth and dignity, and your body is not a thing to which your boyfriend has ANY right. You, like all of us women, have the same feminine form as the Blessed Mother. Just let that sink in.
    I, too, am still waiting for God to send me my Nice Catholic Boy, (preferably one who quotes Chesterton and Tolkien, wears tweed, and appreciates a good EF Mass, but I digress) but we have to remember that His timing is perfect. A very wise (and, I think, holy) person once wrote that if God has called us to marriage, He has also called our future spouses to marriage. This might sound obvious, but I certainly needed to be reminded of it! Perhaps Our Lord is still working some of the bugs out of your future husband; who knows, perhaps you would despise him if you met him too soon. 🙂
    Anyway, have a great and grace-filled time on the pilgrimage, and please know that I’m praying for you.
 
Thank you everyone so much for your kind and helpful replies.

I just came on to check, but don’t have time to reply just yet as we’re leaving early. Thank you for offering your prayers!

I will reply in full on Tuesday if the day is free.
 
I am so sorry you had to experience this. It sounds like a huge violation. I will say a prayer for you!

with love in Christ
God bless
Mary Margaret
 
Bella1234 said:
I thought it wouldn’t be a mortal sin to miss Mass, because I would have preferred to go, there just wasn’t time.
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You need to ask a priest about this one, and give him the details. Either way, you should confess it. If you were too busy, it could be a sin of negligence in better planning on your part.
From my understanding, missing Mass is a mortal sin unless there is grave reason for missing - such as illness, injury, new mother, etc.
All in all, is hell really worth the risk of not confessing it?
He continued and the only thing that would have stopped him was to shout at him, but my family were in the house.
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Then you should have shouted.

There’s a great book called Boundaries You didn’t want him to do something to you, and you gave in, as you put it. You let him cross your boundaries. A. This is an abusive relationship. If he doesn’t respect your first, “No,” he’s not respecting your boundaries and not respecting you as a person. The red flags in this relationship are all over the place.

If this ever happens again, with anybody, is embarrassment in front of family worse than him violating you? Because that is what happened. I’m not surprised it happened a second time, because you let it happen a first time. … I’m not judging you by the way, I’m telling you this out of personal experience… I too have let people walk all over my boundaries, and have payed dearly for it. Clearly defining our boundaries is an important part of life.
 
Regarding missing Mass, I’m not sure if that was sinful or not, but I think it would be prudent to prioritize and realize that making time for Jesus is more important than anything in our lives.
Bella1234 said:
Thank you very much for your replies. I can always rely on members here to give good advice 🙂

He’s not what some people consider a ‘bad boy’. (I’m not sure what that means, but he doesn’t steal, or drink and he’s nice to everyone etc).

I’m going to stop spending time alone with him. It hurts, but he always makes me feel unhappy when we’re alone. If other people are with us, he won’t try anything. We will probably have to break up soon anyway because he’s not a Catholic, and he wouldn’t want his children baptised. I was praying for his conversion, but it’s been a couple of years now, and he hasn’t shown signs of being influenced.

I don’t see how you could find a good Catholic for a partner. I rarely see people my age at church.

Sorry for being depressing. I’ll go eat some chocolate lol.

Thank you very much, again for your support.
Click to expand...
I think you need to break up with this guy ASAP. A good man would not force himself on you. You deserve a man who can control himself and respects you. Dump this guy. I agree with the poster who said he sounds abusive. You seem to be on the right track, realizing that it would not be good to marry a man who doesn’t want his children baptized. So why prolong this? Get it over with!

Don’t worry about not finding a good man. If you’re meant to get married, then he will come along. Just keep praying about it. And remember, it’s better to be single than to be in a bad relationship.
 
Everyone has given you solid advice. I will just weigh in on the mortal sin issue. Yes, you sinned, and the sins were serious. You already know you need to confess them. But you are not in a state of mortal sin, because these things were not done with full consent. In order for a sin to be mortal (as I’m sure you know) you must commit a serious sin with full consent and full knowledge. That means you do something wrong, you know it’s wrong and you really could care less if it offends God. You thumb your nose while you’re doing it. So if you’re not sure you’re in a state of mortal sin you most likely are not. Especially if you are worried about it. Mortal sin kills the grace in the soul, thereby making you calus
 
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