Looking for advice on sister-in-law's second "wedding"

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skiblerrn

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I’m looking for some practical advice on how to handle my sister-in-law’s upcoming wedding.

She was married in the Catholic church less than 3 years ago. Her husband left the marriage 9 months after the wedding. She began dating another man less than 2 months later, and is now “marrying” him in September, without an annulment, outside of the Church.

The family is all Catholic, but no one besides my husband and I seem to have any problem with this wedding at all. In fact, they are all very excited!

We caused a big stink in the family about a year ago when we refused to participate in the wedding, or to allow our daughter to participate. I thought that we made our view quite clear that we could not support such a marriage, but now with the date looming, I’m becoming very nervous.

I’d really like to just skip the whole thing, but the family would never forgive us if we did not attend. I discussed with my husband that we should sit in the back, and should not participate in any family pictures, etc. The problem is that my MIL is very pushy, and will try to guilt us into things on the day of the wedding.

Do you think that I’m being too hard on her? The family will be upset with anything less than our wholehearted participation. How much should we be willing to bend (against our wishes) for the sake of family harmony?
 
You’ll get lots of opinions here.

Please talk to a trusted priest.
 
The same thing happened to one of my cousins. I did not approve for she was Catholic and wanted to marry a non-Catholic who was married before. She went to her parish and they would not marry them until an annulment was granted. She did not want to wait. She worked for Catholic Charities and all her friends were Catholic and all were at the wedding. I did not want to go and told her why, but ended up going to keep peace in the family. We were not immediate family so we did not have to be in any family photos. She got married at another church and is still married. I don’t consider her a strong Catholic for I heard her talking to my two non Catholic sisters about birth control when she was first married. She knows that I am using NFP, but has not asked about it. She is now been married with this man for two or three years and is off the birth control and they want a baby. They have been trying for some time without sucess. She never talks to me or calls me. She has only associated with my two non Catholic sisters. She knows how I will respond and she doesn’t want to hear it.

I think it is sad that she counsels at Catholic Charity and how many people like you say go with the flow. Unfortunately, I was one of them. I can’t tell you what to do, but if I had to do it over again, I would not have gone.
 
skiblerrn said:
I’m looking for some practical advice on how to handle my sister-in-law’s upcoming wedding.

She was married in the Catholic church less than 3 years ago. Her husband left the marriage 9 months after the wedding. She began dating another man less than 2 months later, and is now “marrying” him in September, without an annulment, outside of the Church.

The family is all Catholic, but no one besides my husband and I seem to have any problem with this wedding at all. In fact, they are all very excited!

We caused a big stink in the family about a year ago when we refused to participate in the wedding, or to allow our daughter to participate. I thought that we made our view quite clear that we could not support such a marriage, but now with the date looming, I’m becoming very nervous.

I’d really like to just skip the whole thing, but the family would never forgive us if we did not attend. I discussed with my husband that we should sit in the back, and should not participate in any family pictures, etc. The problem is that my MIL is very pushy, and will try to guilt us into things on the day of the wedding.

Do you think that I’m being too hard on her? The family will be upset with anything less than our wholehearted participation. How much should we be willing to bend (against our wishes) for the sake of family harmony?
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I would imagine people are happy for her, because her first husband sounded like he didn’t know what he was getting into when he married, and left her shortly after–so she was abandoned, and the family is happy that she has found ‘true’ love with another. But, you have to go with what you feel is right. That being said, I have read posts on here about people who don’t attend the church ceremony, and just show for the after celebration, and for a short time, just to say hello. But, again–if you don’t feel that this is cause for celebration, then you need to follow your gut feeling, and the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment.

Is she seeking an annulment?
 
KCT said:
You’ll get lots of opinions here.
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KCT’s right. Now here’s mine.

Clearly, you have certain values of yours that conflict. On one hand, you believe strongly in following the rules of the Catholic Church, and this marriage is illegitimate to you. On the other hand, you have a strong desire to make your family happy and keep the peace. I feel that what you really need to do is think long and hard about what is most important to you.

How much do Catholic rules matter to you? Which do you put first in your life, your family’s happiness, or the rules of the Catholic Church?

Also consider carefully what your motives really are. Do you just want to make the family happy to shut them up make everything look pretty and shiny on the outside, or is their happiness something that you truly care about? If you intend to stay strong to your initial choice to not be involved, is this because it is something you truly believe in, or is it that you feel like you’ve gone too far and can’t back down? If this is the case, don’t be stubborn, and don’t let your pride get in your own way.

Good luck with your decision. At the end of the day, it’s a decision that really needs to be your own.
 
your dilemma sounds similar to what I just went through. My ex-friend was married for 18 yrs. and then filed for divorce b/c she was the only one working 3 jobs to avoid bankruptcy, she caught DH in many lies that had creditors coming after her etc.

As soon as she moved out, she started dating w/o an annulment and then after her divorce was final applied for it so she could remarry. She emailed an announcement to her family and friends that she’s marrying this Sept.

I had a talk w/her and come to find out her application for nullification was denied due to lack of information she provided. She said she was tired of waiting too many yrs. so they are getting married by an Episcopal priest & will find another parish to attend. I told her that she wouldn’t be able to receive any sacraments but she informed me that the priest in her parish that counseled her said that sometimes those that are denied a nullification really do have a good reason to leave the marriage & that the tribunal does make mistakes at times so he refers them to the Episcopal church down the road to be counseled and married by their minister. :eek:

I was in shock when she told me this. Anyway, when I talked to DH about it, he was like we are not going to the wedding as it would be supporting a lie. I totally agreed w/him & reassured him that I couldn’t go anyway seeing as I will be having surgery before her big event. Also, she sent out this huge email invite to a housewarming party at the end of Sept. I am really tired of her only talking to me when she wants something. (Long story there–seeing as she wasn’t there for me when DH’s father passed away or when I had my stroke) This is her 3rd housewarming party–1st one when she married hubby #1 and built their new home, 2nd one when she moved out to an apt. & filed for divorce, funny thing w/that one was she invited over 20 ppl & only 2 women w/their kids and myself showed up, and now this.

We are no longer best friends seeing as it is very clear that she has turned out to be very self centered, only calls to brag about herself, or wants me to agree w/ some of the decisions she’s chosen. I have made it very clear that I refuse to tell her what she wants to hear. I’d be lying if I did and I won’t start now. She wasn’t too thrilled when I said that but oh well. I guess when some ppl know the truth, they don’t want to hear it or live in denial.
 
This is how I’ve handled similar “weddings” in my family (in my case it was my mother).

The objective reality is that your sister-in-law is still presumed married to her first husband, until and unless the Church declares that marriage null.

This second “marriage” in fact places her in the state of public, permanent adultery (CCC 2384). This is not something to celebrate!

Keeping the objective truth of the situation in mind, how do you respond? Some ideas that I used: Reiterate your love for the people involved and your great desire for their happiness. Have Masses said for the “bride” and “groom”, and of course keep them in your prayers! With God’s grace all things are possible.
 
The last I knew she was filling out the paperwork for an annullment (this was in the winter). I do not know if she has submitted it. She did not want to wait to get married again.
(Trouble is, they already live together, so I don’t see why it matters).

Yes, the feelings of my sister-in-law, and all of my in-laws are important to us. My husband and his sister are not very close anymore (they have grown to be very different as adults). But we certainly love her and want her to be happy. We just cannot support the way she is going about it.

We feel that we are being asked to just shut up and pretend to be happy so that no one’s feelings are hurt. When we said that we would not be in the wedding, my MIL cried and told us that we were “judging her”. My sister-in-law said that my husband does not love her. My FIL told my MIL that he was going to have to “give that boy a talking to” (referring to my husband-he never did), etc. Do you see what we’re up against? We are the bad guys.

I know without a doubt that we are right to not support this marriage, but is it right to create a permanent rift in the family?
 
skiblerrn said:
I know without a doubt that we are right to not support this marriage, but is it right to create a permanent rift in the family?
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I don’t see how YOU are creating a rift. Didn’t you say they’re all Catholics who have no problem going along w/ this?

They all want you to be tolerant and non judgemental, but are they being tolerant and non judgemental of you? Seems to me it only works one way.
 
hi ski,

My heart goes out to you. In my opinion, I don’t think you are creating a rift in the family seeing as you are standing up for what you believe in.

Following what the Lord taught us is never easy. Sometimes we as Catholics are often looked down upon as being judgmental for what we know is right. Some folks can’t handle the truth they are taught so they make excuses for themselves so they don’t have to feel guilty.

I prayed long and hard, many many weeks, myself on how to handle my best friend b/c there were others things she’s done (I won’t mention here) and I had to decide if I wanted to be around someone who wasn’t a good friend to me personally as well as spiritually. All I can say is pray, don’t let anyone bring you down for what you believe in, and trust in God’s message to you.

I will keep you in my prayers.
 
Thanks for some words of encouragement. It’s hard to be the only ones standing up for the right thing, especially when everyone against you is family.

I think what we need to do is sit down with the in-laws and explain that our position on the wedding has not changed, and that we will not participate in any of the activities of the day. If that is unacceptable to them, then we will not attend at all. However, I’m sure that it will be a conversation full of tears and drama, and I wish I didn’t have to deal with it.

I’ll just have to keep praying for patience, compassion, and the strength to stand strong.
 
ABello said:
How much do Catholic rules matter to you? Which do you put first in your life, your family’s happiness, or the rules of the Catholic Church?
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These “rules” came out of the mouth of Jesus Christ. You can read them for yourself - in the New Testament,

Matthew 5:32
Matthew 19:9
Mark 10: 11-12
Luke 16:18

We are all to put God first in our life, before family, before spouse, before children, before friends.

That being said, OP, please speak with your Priest. Prayers as you cling to what is right.
 
kage_ar said:
We are all to put God first in our life, before family, before spouse, before children, before friends.
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I understand that “church before family” may be the Catholic church’s view, but I didn’t want to take for granted that this was certainly what the OP believed. Since I’ve posted, its become more clear that this is how she feels.

To skiblerrn: You may be tempted to take the easy way out to avoid the drama, but it seems you’re certain of what you believe in, and for that reason you’ve got to stick with it. Draw your strength and stand up for what you believe is right.
 
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