looking for advice

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ffracer297

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This is my 1st post so please bear with me. I am thinking of leaving my wife of 13 years and feeling immense guilt. we have been having lots of arguing over the past few years that has gotten much worse recently. I still love my wife and promised to love her for better or for worse, my feelings lately though are that things are not going to change no matter what I want. I want to try counseling, she does not, she says I should go myself and that the marriage will change when I change. She does have depression issues she is getting help with but depression and mood swings do not help when it comes to the arguing. I feel like I want to leave for my happiness and so the kids will not see constant arguing between parents. My guilt is that I am abandoning my wife by giving up and that I will not be there as a buffer for the kids and they will have to deal with mom and her issues without me there to help. I have not spoke to priest yet as he is new to the church (3 weeks) and this would be hard on him just getting settled in and me introducing myself and laying this all on him at once. Your thoughts on this would appreciated!
 
First off, get your house blessed. 2nd, renounce any divorce and other generational sin from both your families. 3rd, fast for your wife and your marriage. Get a mentor couple to eat dinner with and fast and pray for you. Spend hours in front of the Eucharist. HOURS…not minutes.

5th, and most importantly… SERVE your wife. No strings, no conditions. nothing. Do not think she owes you anything, even treating you well for serving. (chores, flowers, wooing, pursuing, taking care of kids, etc).

-www.e5men.org

-http://www.fireproofmymarriage.com/
 
ffracer297 said:
This is my 1st post so please bear with me. I am thinking of leaving my wife of 13 years and feeling immense guilt. we have been having lots of arguing over the past few years that has gotten much worse recently. I still love my wife and promised to love her for better or for worse, my feelings lately though are that things are not going to change no matter what I want. I want to try counseling, she does not, she says I should go myself and that the marriage will change when I change. She does have depression issues she is getting help with but depression and mood swings do not help when it comes to the arguing. I feel like I want to leave for my happiness and so the kids will not see constant arguing between parents. My guilt is that I am abandoning my wife by giving up and that I will not be there as a buffer for the kids and they will have to deal with mom and her issues without me there to help. I have not spoke to priest yet as he is new to the church (3 weeks) and this would be hard on him just getting settled in and me introducing myself and laying this all on him at once. Your thoughts on this would appreciated!
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I’m sorry you are having such a hard time, but I think you should talk to the new priest. Counseling parishioners is part of his job, and I’ve often found that Priests give me good advice and help me to make difficult decisions. Don’t worry about bothering him! He expects people to need his help.
 
Talk to your priest. I’d wager that counseling you will actually help him feel more settled in his new position. He’ll feel needed and will probably enjoy the opportunity to start helping parishioners, since that is what he felt called to do. 🙂

Go to counseling. If your wife won’t go with you, go alone. I find it unlikely that the marital problems are entirely your fault, but perhaps (1) the counselor will give you the tools to handle this better and (2) your wife will warm up a little when she sees that you’re doing “your part.”

Have you considered a marriage retreat? My husband and I are going to Retrouvaille in January. It comes highly recommended by many couples at this forum. Perhaps you could suggest it to your wife and tell her that it’s an opportunity for you to learn to communicate with her better. She seems to think she’s flawless and you’re flawed–I’d just let her go on thinking that if it’ll “trick” her into going to a marriage retreat where, hopefully, she will learn a little something too.
 
Even if your priest is new, make an appointment to go and talk to him.

Also, I want to ask about your comment about being concerned about not being a buffer for your children in dealing with their mother. What exactly is going on? Do she call you and or the children names, make threats…? I am just wondering what the nature of her mood swings are.
 
ffracer297 said:
This is my 1st post so please bear with me. I am thinking of leaving my wife of 13 years and feeling immense guilt. we have been having lots of arguing over the past few years that has gotten much worse recently. I still love my wife and promised to love her for better or for worse, Well, this is the worse part now, so where is your love?my feelings lately though are that things are not going to change no matter what I want. I want to try counseling, she does not, she says I should go myself And that is a good suggestion. She is getting help for her depression and you should seek help for any issues you have, assuming that you will agree that a marriage takes two to work and even NOT work…and that the marriage will change when I change. If you love your wife as you say, don’t you think it would be worth trying this as a way of helping your marriage and showing your commitment to her as well as to your children? She does have depression issues she is getting help with but depression and mood swings do not help when it comes to the arguing. I feel like I want to leave for my happiness But your happiness should come from making your wife and children happy and offering them both a stable and peaceful home.and so the kids will not see constant arguing between parents.Do you actually think it would be better to have your children see their father walk away from his marriage and his family without even trying to work things out? Perhaps you should get counseling on why you feel that your happiness is more important than that of the children your love created. My guilt is that I am abandoning my wife by giving up and that I will not be there as a buffer for the kids and they will have to deal with mom and her issues without me there to help.How would that be any different than now when you are there and not willing to "do " anything but give up? And guilt usually involves some sort of wrongdoing on the guilty person’s part. You cannot feel guilt for something that you didn’t do. So perhaps you feel guilt because in truth, you know you are quitting without making a real attempt to work it out. Instead, you want to take the easy way out for yourself, even if it will hurt those you leave behind. I have not spoke to priest yet as he is new to the church (3 weeks) and this would be hard on him just getting settled in and me introducing myself and laying this all on him at once. Sorry, his being there 3 weeks has nothing to do with this. That is part of his job, and it appears to merely be an excuse on your part.
Please reconsider what you are thinking through prayer. Certainly try and get throught Christmas peacefully. If you love your wife as you say you do, give her the gifts of compassion, understanding, patience and commitment. Be the hero for your family. May God bless you and guide you as you try to repair the cracks in your marriage. Your thoughts on this would appreciated!
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I only know the situation between you and your wife from the paragraph you posted, obviously there is so much more their, both love and hurt.

The next time you start to argue, stop. I don’t know if this means you have to walk away (which could be bad because your wife might think you are running away) or maybe just to agree with your wife. Arguments can be over small things and big things, so they need to be handled differently.

Go talk to your priest, he will not mind.

So long as their is no abuse (physical, emotional) I think it will be better for your children to see you work this out, then to get a divorce which is going to bring all kinds of new problems and difficulties.

I am not sure how old your kids are, but talk to them. You don’t need to go into the exact details, but reassure them that you love them, you love your wife, she loves, she loves you, but you are going through a tough time right now. If your kids are aware of the situation (and on some level they are) do not try to hide it. They will think it is their fault.

I will pray for you and say a decade of the rosary for you.
 
Thank you all for the (name removed by moderator)ut, I tried calling the priest today, no answer though, not sure why answering machine didn’t pickup, but I will try again tomorrow. I did go out and get the Love Dare book from fireproof movie. I am now on day 1 of the challenge, I hope this helps us! Thank you all again.
 
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