Looking for constructive, compassionate advice on my engagement/relationship

[bonvivantHermit]

People get over cheating in marriage and the let’s wait til it’s perfect…doesn’t happen.

If he’s your best friend, and your his- you need to express to him that his holding this grudge against you is not helping. You need to demand enough already.

Yes, get counseling- that imperative, but from what I have read you have a good chance and you can make a strong marriage. It is totally possible- I never thought I would be as happy as I am today…but I am. BUT I knew deep down my DH was a “good one.” I just knew- he was there when it mattered.

 

[akela135]

No relationship is perfect but that doesn’t mean you should settle for a relationship that isn’t right for you.

When I was in my first relationship I let myself stay with a guy who was abusive for way longer than I should have because I told myself “no relationship is perfect.” There were times where we were very happy and very much in love with each other. However when the bad times came they were really bad and I’d question if I wanted to stay but would always settle on “no relationship is perfect and we can work out his anger management issues with time.” Now I know your relationship is not anything like my first one was, but the fact is you can’t justify legitimate concerns under the basis that every couple has fights and goes through problems.

Only you can decide if this relationship is right for you but I strongly urge for you to try and look at the situation objectively (as hard as that can be) and not just with your heart. We don’t always fall for the people who are best for us and sometimes we do have to take a step back and ask if the situation is healthy for not only ourself but for our partner as well.

Several relationships later I was madly in love with the guy I thought I was going to marry. There was the occasional issue but everything seemed perfect and one day out of the blue he just broke up with me. He had been unhappy for a long time and just didn’t want to hurt my feelings by leaving. It took me months to recover and when I finally did he came back saying it was a mistake to break up and he really thought I was the one he wanted to marry. I decided that the issues that lead to the break up probably would resurface if we resumed our relationship and that I couldn’t trust that we wouldn’t have another unhappy ending. I told him I wouldn’t take him back and about a month later I met my future spouse. I have never been in a better relationship than I am with my DH and I would have missed it if I had gotten back with my ex. Not to say that my ex and I would not have been happy together, only that my DH makes me way happier than my ex ever could.

The only point that I want to make is you really need to look at what you want out of your life and then decide if this relationship will help you with that goal or hinder you. I will pray for you to find the wisdom to choose the best path for yourself and your fiance!

 

[twoangels]

It sounds like you’re in what is called consumer lock-in. You’ve invested so much of yourself in this relationship that its difficult to throw it away.

As for a relationship being based on sex, it needs to be understood that sexual activity releases high levels of oxytosin. This is a major stress reliever and makes couples feel bonded. Its actually a good thing to have this in a marriage because there are so many stresses that can otherwise divide couples. Oxytosin, though, is also released at lower levels when you socialize and are physically affectionate. When these areas of our relationship fail to give us adequate levels of oxytosin, this is when we can start relying too much on sex. It is, after all, what is making you feel bonded to the other person.

It sounds to me that the big issue is that part of you knows that you want out of this relationship. The problem is that between consumer lock-in and the oxytosin high sex gives you, you’re stress levels haven’t reached the breaking level yet. It still seems that the suffering involved in leaving him will be greater than the suffering involved in staying with him. This sort of commitment is entirely different from the marital commitment where its about living up to your matrimonial vows. In marriage, its no longer about emotional pleasure/suffering motivations, but about the will.

To be honest, I don’t think premarriage counciling can undo consumer lock-in. Overall, you need to discern what you want and be willing to live with the fact that to not marry is to want out of the relationship. It may seem tempting to keep dating as a way to get the benefits of marriage without the responsibilities of it, but that is not the purpose of dating.

I think my recent blog post has some things to consider that might be helpful. embersofincense.wordpress.com/2012/06/21/divorce/

 

[sanderson1984]

twoangels- I totally get what you mean. My fiance and I talk about our relationship issues more openly than most couples. We sit and analyze our issues from a thousand angles because we care about the other persons ultimate happiness. I read your “coin toss” article. it was very well written and thought out. I agree with all of it. Our cohabitation and sexual relationship has been the source of all the confusion and issues. We started dating when i was 17 and he was 20. We have been together for 7 years and he grew up in a conservative traditional catholic family with parents who have been together and faithful for 27 years. I on the other hand grew up with a young single mother, very liberal who is on her 2nd marriage and is still unhappy. I honestly have had no good examples in my life of how to have a healthy relationship other than my fiances parents who, even though they are still married, have their fair share of unhappiness and lack of fulfillment in each other. My fiance has also said that he worries that I have what you called “consumer lock-in” and that since he has been the only constant in my life I am with him because I don’t want to loose that feeling of security. I don’t want to admit it but at times when he says that it almost feels true. But I know my reasons for wanting to be with him are not that simple or shallow. I just dont know how to decipher if my feelings of uncertainty are because we legitimately have irreconcilable differences and are only staying in it because we have invested so much in each other or if I am freaking out because I have no sense of what a normal healthy marriage should be like.

 

[bonvivantHermit]

OK- I know I will be lambasted for being “romantic” but I do believe there’s one person. I don’t know if he’s yours, but I wouldn’t rule that out. That said, I was able to clear the issues rather quickly by separating. That was over 23 years ago… You may be way OVER thinking this, I would pray. I often stopped, before I was even going to church, at a convent. They had a 24 hour chapel of sorts, really all glass gazebo with candles and religious iconography, and there was a place to pray and write your prayer intentions. I stopped there more than once a few years before I came back to church and I know in my heart my prayers were answered.

You may want to offer a novena together. I do know with my husband and I- we always wanted to be together. We are happiest together no matter what.

 

[sanderson1984]

You may be way OVER thinking this, I would pray.

lol! You know what, I way OVER think most things. So that wouldn’t be surprising. :doh2:

 

[hsmomforlife]

Just a quick comment for you to chew on.

It is possible for you to stop cohabitating. You say you can’t afford it, but God says that He doesn’t ask us to do the impossible.

So do what He asks, and He will provide. Maybe that means you have to eat Ramen noodles for three meals a day. Maybe some one unexpected will give you some money or a place to stay rent free. Something will happen, because it is possible to live the right way.

You asked for advice, so here’s mine:

1. Stop living together.
2. Stop having sexual relations together
3. Seperate your finances if they are together as well.
4. Go to Confession.
5. Go to Mass.
6. Repeat # 4 and 5 as often as possible.
7. Reasses your relationship.

This advice is way better than my first thought of
You are posting on a forum about how miserable you are with your fiancee and wondering if you should get married, and that you don’t have anyone to talk to about this…especially not your future other half, with whom you are fighting…this is your first clue that you should REALLY reconsider getting married right now and that you might not be ready if you have so many issues to work through!

IMHO Put the wedding date on hold until you both have it together!

Sounds like a good Catholic counselor might be in order…

 

[Et_Cetera]

She probably is. And there is probably a great many more things that she is doing that are not as perfect and loving as they can be. She knows she is wrong. Lets not beat he over the head with every single thing that is not right and instead seek to empower her to live a more holy and grace-filled life.

Exactly. This woman is asking for help, and I don’t think she needs anyone to point out her wrongdoings, which she already stated she is aware of. None of us is perfect.

Without knowing you personally, I think it will be very difficult for anyone here to give you solid advice. We just don’t know the full circumstances. However, I think you should consider the amount of stress that you must certainly be under having just moved to a new city (that you maybe don’t like so far?) and having an impending wedding. Seven years is a long time. Maybe you’re starting to feel like you should have played the field a little more? Getting cold feet? It could be a number of things, but I think you should take a look at the last seven years. One good thing about the length of your relationship is that you shouldn’t have to deal with many post-marital personality surprises. Do you like the way that your fiance handles financial situations and disagreements? His work ethic and overall character? If you have made it this far and feel that you will be happy continuing, then it sounds like you’re just getting some cold feet, which is understandable. If there are things that you think you will change about him after the wedding, then maybe you really should re-think your position. Another possible option could be postponing your wedding. The new living situation might give you a new perspective. Anyway, I wish you the best of the luck.

 

[runningdude]

Its been 8 months since we got back together again and we just still seem to come full circle and argue about the same topics. The arguments, no matter what they are about, always go back to me cheating on him. Or the effects of the cheating and how it makes him feel. I feel horrible. He says he has forgiven me and wants to move forward but I just know that this isn’t the way either of us would have wanted our marriage to begin.

If he wants to stay with you, he has to learn to forgive you. It not fair to you that he constantly remind you of this. Yes, you hurt him, but bringing it up every fight hurts you.

…
My advice is to take a hard look at your relationship AS IT IS RIGHT NOW. If things NEVER improved, would you want this relationship to proceed to marriage? Do not see this relationship as a project, as something you can “work on,” just look with a tough vision at what is there RIGHT NOW. You have fornicated, you have cheated, he cannot forgive, you have sex and finances that are holding you with this man. If you had all the money you need, would you want to be there? Maybe it’s hard to imagine because you love him and are bonding as a married couple by shacking up and having sex. But take a very hard look at the pain you feel, and imagine it NEVER CHANGING.

People are who they really are. They show you who they are. If they are dysfunctional now, they will be dysfunctional later. Oh, sure, every once in a while, someone has a reason to change, and they do. But you should never count on that. It’s actually pretty rare. More often, people’s bad qualities tend to increase as they get older.

I agree with Julianne about looking at the here and now. Right now, you’re not ready for marriage.

I don’t necessarily think breaking up is the correct choice. I do think you two should maintain separate residences, and physically have the space to decide whether to get married. I do not advise “taking a break” from the relationship. I believe you should learn to live financially and emotionally independently (and of course chastely).

You should still be a couple and not purposely neglect each other, but you need space to evaluate the relationship. There will be less pressure to stay together if you’re already separated. There will also be less pressure to break up if you two are moving out to improve your relationship, rather than because it over. Once you two are living independently, you can see if the relationship is really working, and decide from there.

 

[Usige]

Well I won’t speak to weather or not you should marry since I don’t know you. Outside of the things others have mentioned (stop cohabiting, remove the sexual component, etc) one thing that struck me was when you said:

… I dont practice my faith as often as I should …

I would first suggest getting to Mass and praying. This could help calm some of the inner turmoil. Obviously your current living arraignments preclude partaking of the Eucharist but placing a focus on you spiritual life might help you with the graces you need to provide some stability. If your fiance is not regularly nourishing his spiritual life I would suggest the same for him.

As for the sexual infidelity being brought up time and time again. It sound like your fiance still hasn’t fully dealt with it. I know when I was younger that I was very insecure and often questioned if I was good enough for my girl friend (now my wife). If she had cheated on me that would have just reinforced how undeserving I was in my mind. It is possible that you boy friend feels the same way. You and he very likely need professional help to get past that. That is one of those things that can haunt a relationship so saying he forgives you in the calm between storms might not be enough. He may want to forgive and forget with every ounce of his being, but without help desire is not always enough. Here is another place where prayer might help him.

Regardless of what you guys do it sounds like you both need to learn conflict management skills. Every couple fights on occasion, but frequent fights where things are said that are calculated to hurt the other person is not a healthy form of communication. This is another place where couple counseling or a conflict skills class could really help.