Looking for Hope (Marital Problems)

[HopefulWife2012]

This will be a long post. My husband and I have been married for four years. We have a wonderful little boy together. We have had are fair share of issues, some resolved, most of of them recurring.

After four years, I find myself sharing space with a room mate. I work part time, do chose around the house and watch over our young son. My husband works hard for us, but when he’s home he’s not really home. He takes a breather after work, to be expected. Then the rest of the day he’s on the computer until dinner. Afterwards back to the computer until bed. I clean up after dinner, put our son to bed after watching a show with him, and the then lay in bed until my husband decides to shut of the T.V. the sleep. Some nights I work and I’m not even there, after dinner until 1am.

This is our life. We don’t go on dates, we don’t do anything together. We seem to have no common interests. When I ask if we could do something together, he rolls his eyes and acts as its a chore… unless it’s something he wants to do. We don’t talk, no “How was your day?” or small gesture that he was interested in my day. We might be intimate with each once every four months or so. Sorry for the TMI, but I’ve almost prefer we didn’t. It’s short, and not sweet. We want another child, but at this rate it’s never gonna happen, and with how fragile I feel our marriage is it might not even be a good idea.

He’s had problems looking at porn. Over the past two years I’ve had found evidence of this 3 times. Usually every 3-4 months I ‘discover’ it. I confront him, crying, hurt. He apologizies, says he’ll stop. Each time I find it and confront him, I become more upset. The last time I had a bag packed and I was ready to take our son and stay somewhere else for a few days. He has asked out of embarrassment that I don’t discuss this with anyone, family or friends. I feel disrepected, hurt, unloved, unwanted, and not appreciated. If gained weight since our son and stress hasn’t help. I have low self esteem. I’ve been diagnosed clinically depressed when I was younger, and I’m trying hard to keep it together.

Two days before our fourth anniversary and once again I’ve ound the same thing. I’ve lost all respect for him, I don’t trust him, and I can’t bring my self to be physical with him. I won’t divorce him. I refuse. I don’t want to give up on him. The man I fell in love with is somewhere still in there. I have not confronted him this time… I’m not sure what to do. He told me he would get help last time, but hasn’t seeked any from a preist. And unfortunately he doesn’t have any close catholic friends that are not family. He doesn’t want his family to know.

I’m looking for advice… anything. All I could do right now is pray for him, and myself. I’m not perfect. I have made many mistakes too, but I’m miserable.

 

[bmaj]

I’m so very sorry to hear this, HopefulWife, and can fully relate since I’ve been in your shoes. Unfortunately you’re not alone as a wife. There is a support group here at CAF that might benefit your husband titled, “Impurity Addiction Support Group.” It seems like it may be helping a lot of people with the same problem, and it’s anonymous, so he may be more comfortable with it. Therapy can also be an extremely beneficial option. Catholic Charities offers sessions with Christian/Catholic counselors, sometimes even at no cost. Might be worth looking into.

The good news is that your husband seems to be embarrassed by his porn use and apologetic even though it continues. It’s a start, anyway. Many men pass it off as “nothing” and aren’t at all remorseful. Sounds like that might be a hopeful sign for you for the future, anyway. Your sadness and hurt is very normal and shouldn’t be ignored. You deserve much better than that.

Please take care and know that you are in my prayers.

 

[ClearWater]

Marriage counseling might help. You would need a Catholic, or at least Christian, counselor who would be sympathetic. Other counselors would say pornography is okay.

Outside of that, the eyerolling will also need to stop. I was reading where it was one of the predictors that a relationship wouldn’t last.

 

[tawny]

Praying for you, your husband, your marriage & family.

 

[pensmama87]

I am so sorry to hear of this. I think counseling could really help you find more effective ways to communicate and to deal with the recurring pornography issue (unfortunately, that’s probably what’s going on with the computer use, at least some of the time). Even if he won’t go with you, I would try and go by yourself. Your priest would be a good place to start, but he might also be able to refer you to others. Catholic Charities frequently offers free or sliding scale counseling, or there might be other services in your area. There’s also telecounseling if you are rural.

I linked this recently in another thread, but I’ll do it here too - this is a very good blogger (Christian, although not Catholic) and she has written about pornography in marriage extensively, as well as other issues including communication and respect. A book like Boundaries might also give you some starting points for your husband’s disrespectful behavior such as eye-rolling, and is probably available at your local library. John Gottman is another good author who has written several books about communication and respect in marriage.

Ultimately it takes two to make a marriage work, but I hope and pray for you that even if you have to be the start, things will get better. :hug1:

 

[MaryHelp777]

I’m so very sorry to hear this, HopefulWife, and can fully relate since I’ve been in your shoes. Unfortunately you’re not alone as a wife. There is a support group here at CAF that might benefit your husband titled, “Impurity Addiction Support Group.” It seems like it may be helping a lot of people with the same problem, and it’s anonymous, so he may be more comfortable with it. Therapy can also be an extremely beneficial option. Catholic Charities offers sessions with Christian/Catholic counselors, sometimes even at no cost. Might be worth looking into.

The good news is that your husband seems to be embarrassed by his porn use and apologetic even though it continues. It’s a start, anyway. Many men pass it off as “nothing” and aren’t at all remorseful. Sounds like that might be a hopeful sign for you for the future, anyway. Your sadness and hurt is very normal and shouldn’t be ignored. You deserve much better than that.

Please take care and know that you are in my prayers.

You said he spends all day on the computer after work,

What if he is spending all that time watching sinful content that he said he would stop?

 

[ShrodingersCat]

Porn is a big reason why many marriages have difficulties.

It is also very important that you connect, communicate and go on dates. Could you sit down with him and spell it out? Tell him how you feel and make a schedule of date nights so he knows it’s date night. Sometimes do things he wants to do and sometimes do things you want to do. But ultimately, communication is essential. So important. You have to talk, even about the small stuff. If you both have to force it at first, so be it.

 

[HopefulWife2012]

You said he spends all day on the computer after work,

What if he is spending all that time watching sinful content that he said he would stop?

Usually I am home. Our computer is located in our family room, so I would see it otherwise. It usually takes place when I’m at work. It shows me the time and date of when it took place.

 

[lemongrass80]

I’m so very sorry to hear this, HopefulWife, and can fully relate since I’ve been in your shoes. Unfortunately you’re not alone as a wife. There is a support group here at CAF that might benefit your husband titled, “Impurity Addiction Support Group.” It seems like it may be helping a lot of people with the same problem, and it’s anonymous, so he may be more comfortable with it. Therapy can also be an extremely beneficial option. Catholic Charities offers sessions with Christian/Catholic counselors, sometimes even at no cost. Might be worth looking into.

The good news is that your husband seems to be embarrassed by his porn use and apologetic even though it continues. It’s a start, anyway. Many men pass it off as “nothing” and aren’t at all remorseful. Sounds like that might be a hopeful sign for you for the future, anyway. Your sadness and hurt is very normal and shouldn’t be ignored. You deserve much better than that.

Please take care and know that you are in my prayers.

The porn is so not the issue here.

 

[HopefulWife2012]

The last time I confronted him. I’ve stayed how feel, how his actions have made me feel, and that this was no longer a marriage I wanted to be apart of. (I was still pretty angry at this time) He promised he would seek help, and has come to realize that he was not able to conquer this on his own. Yet he refuses to do any marriage counseling.

It has been 4 months since that last conversation, and here we are again. I don’t want to hear the same broken promises. He hasn’t shown any effort in seking help. Things seem better after a week… but it falls right back into the same routine. I guess I just don’t want to be let down again. He’s the type of person that has to figure out his own way of overcoming things, he’s not a fan of me recommending things or trying to help. I personally think that’s what a marriage is about, helping your spouse become more saintly… I thought he believed the same thing, but I’ve been unsure about this now.

 

[HopefulWife2012]

The porn is so not the issue here.

I kind of believe the porn is an easy escape from whatever else may be bothering him, but he’s been so closed off for the last few years I’m not sure what that could be.

He has told me that it is a constant loop of depression to porn/release to disgusted with him self and his selfishness back to depression again. Again, refuses counseling or medication to try to help him out of this cycle.

 

[pensmama87]

The last time I confronted him. I’ve stayed how feel, how his actions have made me feel, and that this was no longer a marriage I wanted to be apart of. (I was still pretty angry at this time) He promised he would seek help, and has come to realize that he was not able to conquer this on his own. Yet he refuses to do any marriage counseling.

It has been 4 months since that last conversation, and here we are again. I don’t want to hear the same broken promises. He hasn’t shown any effort in seking help. Things seem better after a week… but it falls right back into the same routine. I guess I just don’t want to be let down again. He’s the type of person that has to figure out his own way of overcoming things, he’s not a fan of me recommending things or trying to help. I personally think that’s what a marriage is about, helping your spouse become more saintly… I thought he believed the same thing, but I’ve been unsure about this now.

What consequence is there to him for refusing to do as he said he’d do?

The status quo is easy and familiar, even though it’s harmful to both of you. This is what the Boundaries book I linked to is about. You’ve told him that you want things to change and he’s agreed, but then you don’t enforce that. You don’t have to do the work for him (and you shouldn’t,) but there’s part of me that wonders if “he’s not a fan of me recommending things or trying to help” is a refusal to address the problem. It is a problem because it hurts you. He should care about that. Right now he can’t or won’t.

So something has to change. What can you do?

 

[HopefulWife2012]

What consequence is there to him for refusing to do as he said he’d do?

So something has to change. What can you do?

This is a good point. I know he is disgusted with him self, and he seems genuinely upset that he has hurt me. But yet we still fall into the same problem.

He’s embarrassed that his very traditional Catholic family might find out. And he’s afraid of me leaving, but I believe it’s because again his family will know.

Im not sure if I feel comfortable giving him an altimatum like that. “Knock it off or I’m telling your mother.” That’s what it kind of feels like to me.

 

[lemongrass80]

I agree that this marriage probably has issues that go much deeper than a pornography problem. However, until that matter is on the road to being resolved the couple cannot even begin to approach reconciliation I think that is why people are focusing on it. A couple cannot focus on date nights, household chores, raising a child and a healthy sex life when the husband is likely looking at other naked women and possibly masturbating to those images several hours a day, THAT has to be taken out of the equation first!

To the original poster: Covenant Eyes for your computer, insist on this program at once for your home computer get it today. It will provide internet filters not only that but if a pornographic site is visited you can’t “erase” the computer history you can visit it through the website. Covenant Eyes helps people trying to kick the porn habit by having accountability partners such as other men trying to kick the habit.

covenanteyes.com/services/internet-accountability/

Reclaim Sexual Health, they can help your husband with a plan and online counseling plan to help quit pornography. YES it is addicting. Tens of millions of men are going to these websites daily! Men are living in hidden shame, he doesn’t have to live this way! He can be the honorable husband and father he was meant to be! God doesn’t want your husband to be hiding in a room with a screen with fake images, He wants him with you.

reclaimsexualhealth.com/

After your husband is on the road to true healing; then you can begin healing of your marriage. There are wounds that a wife feels that are deep. Also, you may (at that time) need to address issues in your marriage where you both are at fault, and ways to repair things but first things first your husband needs to stop looking at pornography. This is not negotiable. Please be assured of my prayers, there is hope for your future. Many couples have found hope and healing after having gone through this. Take the first step today!

It’s kind of a chicken and egg situation, yes? The porn issue can’t be resolved without addressing the deeper problems in the marriage, and the marriage can’t get back on track while the porn is an issue.

Personally, I see the porn as a symptom of deeper issues. The problem is he has checked out of the marriage. To me it seems the best recourse is to address the root of the problem, not focus on the symptoms.

 

[pensmama87]

This is a good point. I know he is disgusted with him self, and he seems genuinely upset that he has hurt me. But yet we still fall into the same problem.

He’s embarrassed that his very traditional Catholic family might find out. And he’s afraid of me leaving, but I believe it’s because again his family will know.

Im not sure if I feel comfortable giving him an altimatum like that. “Knock it off or I’m telling your mother.” That’s what it kind of feels like to me.

I would not bring his family into it because it is not their business.

I’m not saying leave, but if you say “I don’t like this” and then nothing more, he’s going to think you must not mind it that much after all.

ETA: By the way, I don’t mean to sound harsh. I just know what it feels like to think every option is bad, or hard, or scary. You can’t keep on with this, but for whatever reason, your husband is committed to the status quo. I don’t think problems like this go away on their own, but that seems to be the preferred method of dealing with it, until someone breaks. If you change it up now, that’s much better than waiting another five, ten, twenty years of the same patterns continuing.

 

[HopefulWife2012]

To the original poster: Covenant Eyes for your computer, insist on this program at once for your home computer get it today. It will provide internet filters not only that but if a pornographic site is visited you can’t “erase” the computer history you can visit it through the website. Covenant Eyes helps people trying to kick the porn habit by having accountability partners such as other men trying to kick the habit.

covenanteyes.com/services/internet-accountability/

Are you familiar with this program? I had been looking into, but ran into some problems.

He actually doesn’t visit sites. He uses a torrent download for videos and then removes them. Would this program be able to detect or block this kind of activity?

He doesn’t have any catholic friends he would be willing to have help him with this, and it has been recommended that I shouldn’t be the person who receives the notifications.

 

[HopefulWife2012]

Thank you for your suggestions. I still have to talk to him about his current activities. I guess I need to be more firm, I can give him some resources and ideas, but let him decide from there. If he won’t even try, I will have to stick to my word and find a temporary place to stay. I hope then he will realize the seriousness of the problems we have within our marriage.

 

[HopefulWife2012]

ETA: By the way, I don’t mean to sound harsh. I just know what it feels like to think every option is bad, or hard, or scary. You can’t keep on with this, but for whatever reason, your husband is committed to the status quo. I don’t think problems like this go away on their own, but that seems to be the preferred method of dealing with it, until someone breaks. If you change it up now, that’s much better than waiting another five, ten, twenty years of the same patterns continuing.

I agree. This is how things have been going just in the last 2-3 years. He doesn’t like to discuss delicate matters and prefers to pretend it’s not there, and I’m the one that’s breaking.

 

[CradleJourney]

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

As I have no experience with the porn issue, I’m going to just set that aside.

What I do have experience with is the computer addiction (which can be VERY addicting) and the depression.

As already said - you can’t help him or force him to get help - he has to do that on his own.

And please be aware that the computer by itself (no porn) can be as an addicting escape as anything else. (I’m personally guilty here).

So, perhaps, it would help to start small and take baby steps - ask him to commit to doing one thing with you three times a week - playing a board game, going for a walk, doing the dishes together…something you two can interact during and that can be done with little prep/planning.

Explain how it’s very important to you that you two start reconnecting - by being a small commitment, he’s hopefully going to be more willing to agree. Then follow through and see how things go after a few weeks and then revisit the issue having begun to rebuild the habit of hanging out together.

If he rolls his eyes when you remind him of a commitment night, just stay calm, smile and gently remind him he agreed to it - and don’t badger him about being more enthusiastic,etc. If he’s like my husband, nothing shuts him down more than me doing that. On the other hand, if I stay calm, he usually realizes he’s being a jerk and apologizes and gets with the program. So don’t let him get away with not doing what he commits to doing - but don’t expect big enthusiasm either.

If it works out, you will hopefully find that as he reconnects with you, the lure of the computer screen starts to fade a bit. But based on my own experience, it never quite goes away - and I still need hubby to give me the proverbial swat upside the head sometimes to remind me to get off and get back into life.

Hugs and Prayers,
CJ

 

[Trident_H]

Alright. I hear what you’re laying down here. I know how this starts and finishes.

So what I want to feel out with you now is what kinds of stuff he’s doing on the computer from evening until night? Like do you have any idea? Is he playing games? Or going through download sites? Or looking at the news? Or ?

Because I seriously think your key to this whole thing is to meet him where he’s at. He seems like a non-confrontational kind of guy from the view I’ve got. And seems like he internalizes every. Single. Thing.

So my guess goes something like this:

1. He’s had depression before. That means that life sort of weighs heavy on him. The day-to-day fun that some can draw out of life to balance against the bad just doesn’t hit high enough notes for him. So that’s the kind of guy you’ve got a hold of.
2. He’s probably found that the first bit of fun squeezed out of the novelty of being an adult with a full work-load has pretty much passed. Next he’s got a kid to add pressure. And a wife with needs. While he himself can barely keep it together.
3. To cope with #2, because of #1, he’s gotten into the habit of ‘self medicating’. Now this started with him just trying to unwind in the easiest way possible. Talking is not his strong suit. So instead of venting his day off he tries to drown it out.
4. Well at some point distance between you led to a low ebb in sex. Maybe because of the kid. Or maybe because he’s a bit passive aggressive. Or maybe because you were honestly worn out. Or maybe because he always had a porn habit you never knew about that could have been ‘suspended’ during the early days of marriage. Whatever the reason there’s a gap between his want and his belief that you want it as bad (or, if he’s PA, it’s maybe even because he wants you to want it as bad as he does). At any rate this leads him into porn. And now there’s a dopamine release that’s acting like a drug on his brain. Helping him to cope. Just. One. More. Day.
5. So now you’ve got this fix. He’s cut off and you’re resentful and hurt. Well at this point? He feels lower than low. He no longer respects himself and he knows you know so he also doesn’t think you respect him either. This just adds to the anxiety. And the depression. And the need to self-medicate. And the cycle ramps up even more.

The best way through for a guy like him? It’s for him to gain back his self-respect. For him to find a reason greater than his inner pains to get up and get going. For him to have a motivation that’s more than just a threat, but is instead a real motivation.

So if I were you? I’d forget about everything else you maybe need to do on the days when you’re not working nights. On those nights, after you put the kid to bed? Sit down next to him and figure out what he’s doing on the computer. If it’s a game? Ask if you can play it with him. If it’s the news? Ask questions about it or talk about it. If it’s something else? Try your best to interest yourself in whatever it is (unless it’s porn, of course).

The key to unlock this guy is through a real spirit of mutual respect. I mean if he senses you respect him? He now has something to lose. You’ve now given him ammunition to resist or fight his battles. But also? You might find some common interests through that. I mean part of this is that he’s not dealing right with his stress. But another part is that he’s not turning naturally to you to help unload it. So we’ve got to sort of meet him where he’s at. And try to slowly unplug him from his fictional universe where he hides from all his problems and instead help him to have real fun with you instead.

And as for the porn? Your best move is to not bring it up for now. You’ve said yourself that he needs to find his own way out of this. And since he already knows you don’t approve? There’s nothing more here that’s going to help him get back into shape. The key with porn, like a lot of addictions, is to find something that works better than the drug of choice. Something that gives him a stronger or different kind of boost instead.

So hopefully you guys re-vamping your relationship will do the trick.

I wish you strong luck in this.

Peace.

-Trident