Looking for some advice on my relationship/ how to confess sins

[VeronicaVera]

Hi, I’m looking for some outside opinions on my relationship. My boyfriend and I are very much in love and plan to get married. However, we are in a long distance relationship and that has added some challenges for us. He is the first boyfriend I’ve ever been physical with. We went too far right from the start. I don’t think of us ever really imagined getting as far as we did, so now it’s like we need to back track.

We are both Catholic, but we come from very different backgrounds. His family are immigrants and their culture is a lot freer sexually. What I mean by this is that almost everyone has kids before marriage, multiple fathers etc. It’s strange to me because they volunteer at church, they teach Sunday school and are great people, yet they kind of seem to ignore a lot of church teachings or at least seem unaffected/aware.

I’m planning on going to confession as part of a retreat this weekend. We went too far we were last together and we both know it. It’s hard because while we both know it’s wrong, we both feel strange that we aren’t bothered more by it. I’m a very by the rules kind of person, so just knowing it’s wrong causes me some guilt. When I do really think about it, I feel bad that we put each other into sin. We both say we don’t want it to happen again, but I don’t know how to actually stop it from happening.

I do feel guilty because no one would expect we’re doing what we’re doing - everyone thinks we’re both so innocent and good and all this stuff. I feel mostly that we’re doing things at the wrong time/place. Of course chastity within marriage is required. I want to get to a point now where that will be possible

To give some background, we are both former porn addicts. There’s still that sort of pre-existing tendency toward sexual sin.

It’s hard because we only see each other a few days at a time a few times a year. We’re hoping he can move out to be with me within the next year or so. I love him so much but I fear that we’ll have many hurdles to overcome with our sexual sin.

Something else I wanted to ask an opinion on is how to confess some of these sexual sins. I know there’s different opinions on how graphic to be. The sin is mutual masturbation. I’m not exactly sure what to say. I don’t want to downplay it, but at the same time at the end of the day I know and God knows what I mean.

Being with him has shown me how great a real physical relationship can be. I overcame the porn and masturbation habits, I’m very proud of that. Obviously we still have some work to do though.

When I struggled with those habits, I tried to avoid going to communion before getting to confession. However, my family rarely goes to confession and always goes to communion. I’ve tried explaining it to them before, but they just won’t have it. It’s the social pressure. They see everyone else going up - we have to, in their mind. They sort of force me to go up. If they aren’t looking I’ll cross my arms. It sounds ridiculous, I know. I truly hate having to confess going to communion when I shouldn’t have. But I feel in some ways it’s out of my control. What do you think?

Thanks so much for reading.

 

[Mary_Estelle]

I don’t think there is any “how to” it. You just need to go and be forthright about it. A priest has heard it all. You said you were feeling “some guilt.” Is some guilt enough?
I personally don’t believe in long distance relationships. Some work out, but most do not. This why people have engagements so that they can get to know one another and determine if they are meant for the long haul-i.e. marriage. My own parents did not really know each other well and it was a semi-arranged marriage, but that was in different time and place, and couples were more attune to responsibilities then. Do what you will, but try to get to confession. Peace.

 

[St_Francis]

Avoid the near occasion of sin. When you two visit each other, where does the one visiting stay? (Don’t tell me, just think about it!) Do you two spend a lot of time alone on these visits? Etc.

In confession, you only need to state the type of sin and the number of times it occurred, so just use the two words you used in your post in confession. No need for further explanation unless there is some factor which would change the sin. For example, stealing from the poor box in the church is worse than just stealing.

If you are old enough to consider getting married, you are old enough to not go to Communion. First, you ought to be able to get to confession without your family if you can sin with your boyfriend! If not, just avoid going up for Communion. If people see that you are not receiving (which they shouldn’t be paying tha much attention to!), then in charity, they ought to assume that you broke your fast, not that you commtted a mortal sin.

Try to hold God higher than you do human beings. It is really, really hard to do this, but keep working on it even if you fail from time to time. And try praying more, esp the Rosary.

 

[Mummsie]

First, go to confession. Talk with the priest. He can guide you on how much detail is needed. Also, almost more important is to ask his advice on how to avoid receiving the Holy Eucharist when you are in a state of grave sin.

You didn’t mention how old you are. But from your post, I assume you’re still in school (high school or college). I know it’s difficult, but you need to slow down. This is your time for discernment on your relationship. As the previous poster mentioned, that can be very difficult long distance. But, I believe it can be done (just might take a little longer

As for avoiding sexual activity with him in the future, avoid being alone with him. There is so much more you need to learn about each other. Try to focus on that.

Jesus, I trust in You.

God Bless You.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hi, I’m looking for some outside opinions on my relationship. My boyfriend and I are very much in love and plan to get married. However, we are in a long distance relationship and that has added some challenges for us. He is the first boyfriend I’ve ever been physical with. We went too far right from the start. I don’t think of us ever really imagined getting as far as we did, so now it’s like we need to back track.

We are both Catholic, but we come from very different backgrounds. His family are immigrants and their culture is a lot freer sexually. What I mean by this is that almost everyone has kids before marriage, multiple fathers etc. It’s strange to me because they volunteer at church, they teach Sunday school and are great people, yet they kind of seem to ignore a lot of church teachings or at least seem unaffected/aware.

I’m planning on going to confession as part of a retreat this weekend. We went too far we were last together and we both know it. It’s hard because while we both know it’s wrong, we both feel strange that we aren’t bothered more by it. I’m a very by the rules kind of person, so just knowing it’s wrong causes me some guilt. When I do really think about it, I feel bad that we put each other into sin. We both say we don’t want it to happen again, but I don’t know how to actually stop it from happening.

I do feel guilty because no one would expect we’re doing what we’re doing - everyone thinks we’re both so innocent and good and all this stuff. I feel mostly that we’re doing things at the wrong time/place. Of course chastity within marriage is required. I want to get to a point now where that will be possible

To give some background, we are both former porn addicts. There’s still that sort of pre-existing tendency toward sexual sin.

It’s hard because we only see each other a few days at a time a few times a year. We’re hoping he can move out to be with me within the next year or so. I love him so much but I fear that we’ll have many hurdles to overcome with our sexual sin.

Something else I wanted to ask an opinion on is how to confess some of these sexual sins. I know there’s different opinions on how graphic to be. The sin is mutual masturbation. I’m not exactly sure what to say. I don’t want to downplay it, but at the same time at the end of the day I know and God knows what I mean.

Being with him has shown me how great a real physical relationship can be. I overcame the porn and masturbation habits, I’m very proud of that. Obviously we still have some work to do though.

When I struggled with those habits, I tried to avoid going to communion before getting to confession. However, my family rarely goes to confession and always goes to communion. I’ve tried explaining it to them before, but they just won’t have it. It’s the social pressure. They see everyone else going up - we have to, in their mind. They sort of force me to go up. If they aren’t looking I’ll cross my arms. It sounds ridiculous, I know. I truly hate having to confess going to communion when I shouldn’t have. But I feel in some ways it’s out of my control. What do you think?

Thanks so much for reading.

My only addition would be to really consider if his “culture” is something you think he is able to overcome. Then ask the same about yourself.

 

[angell1]

Hi, I’m looking for some outside opinions on my relationship. My boyfriend and I are very much in love and plan to get married. However, we are in a long distance relationship and that has added some challenges for us. He is the first boyfriend I’ve ever been physical with. We went too far right from the start. I don’t think of us ever really imagined getting as far as we did, so now it’s like we need to back track.

We are both Catholic, but we come from very different backgrounds. His family are immigrants and their culture is a lot freer sexually. What I mean by this is that almost everyone has kids before marriage, multiple fathers etc. It’s strange to me because they volunteer at church, they teach Sunday school and are great people, yet they kind of seem to ignore a lot of church teachings or at least seem unaffected/aware.

I’m planning on going to confession as part of a retreat this weekend. We went too far we were last together and we both know it. It’s hard because while we both know it’s wrong, we both feel strange that we aren’t bothered more by it. I’m a very by the rules kind of person, so just knowing it’s wrong causes me some guilt. When I do really think about it, I feel bad that we put each other into sin. We both say we don’t want it to happen again, but I don’t know how to actually stop it from happening.

I do feel guilty because no one would expect we’re doing what we’re doing - everyone thinks we’re both so innocent and good and all this stuff. I feel mostly that we’re doing things at the wrong time/place. Of course chastity within marriage is required. I want to get to a point now where that will be possible

To give some background, we are both former porn addicts. There’s still that sort of pre-existing tendency toward sexual sin.

It’s hard because we only see each other a few days at a time a few times a year. We’re hoping he can move out to be with me within the next year or so. I love him so much but I fear that we’ll have many hurdles to overcome with our sexual sin.

Something else I wanted to ask an opinion on is how to confess some of these sexual sins. I know there’s different opinions on how graphic to be. The sin is mutual masturbation. I’m not exactly sure what to say. I don’t want to downplay it, but at the same time at the end of the day I know and God knows what I mean.

Being with him has shown me how great a real physical relationship can be. I overcame the porn and masturbation habits, I’m very proud of that. Obviously we still have some work to do though.

When I struggled with those habits, I tried to avoid going to communion before getting to confession. However, my family rarely goes to confession and always goes to communion. I’ve tried explaining it to them before, but they just won’t have it. It’s the social pressure. They see everyone else going up - we have to, in their mind. They sort of force me to go up. If they aren’t looking I’ll cross my arms. It sounds ridiculous, I know. I truly hate having to confess going to communion when I shouldn’t have. But I feel in some ways it’s out of my control. What do you think?

Thanks so much for reading.

hi veronica,

I am not trying to be mean but do you really think he is the right guy for you?

being in a relationship is supposed to build you up, not make you have to go to the confessional

I’m not trying to be judgmental either. I have made many of the same mistakes in the past

both of you have issues, you need to really discern if it’s something you can work through or if it’s just worse when you are together. I know you say you feel like you are in love with him but since you also say you have a physical relationship, then youre feeling and emotions could be a bit out of whack. it’s known scientifically that intimacy can cause that.

I wish you the best. God bless

 

[Irishmom2]

hi veronica,

I am not trying to be mean but do you really think he is the right guy for you?

being in a relationship is supposed to build you up, not make you have to go to the confessional

I’m not trying to be judgmental either. I have made many of the same mistakes in the past

both of you have issues, you need to really discern if it’s something you can work through or if it’s just worse when you are together. I know you say you feel like you are in love with him but since you also say you have a physical relationship, then youre feeling and emotions could be a bit out of whack. it’s known scientifically that intimacy can cause that.

I wish you the best. God bless

Excellent post, angell!