Looking for some personal advice

Status
Not open for further replies.
PseuTonym said:
There are more things unknown than things known, so there’s a fair chance that you have a viable way that you haven’t thought of yet. Your problem is potentially an opportunity to people who can help you solve it, if you can in exchange help others solve their problems. Your problem is suitable for a barter arrangement, because solving it will likely involve periodic assistance over weeks or months. Both sides can terminate the mutual assistance at any time. In contrast, if somebody had to work continuously for eight hours to assist you, then you might have too little confidence of success to pay in advance, and the person helping you might not trust you to pay later.

In ordinary commerce, it’s understood that the customer has to pay. Barter is more complicated. You have to match your skills to another person’s problem. Ironically, it’s another matchmaking problem, so we encounter a knot and money might be the only solution. However, it would have to be small amounts of money paid over a period of time in exchange for a specified process. Don’t pay a lump sum, because you likely won’t get anything other than sympathy about how difficult your problem is, and stories about how much work is being done.

Nobody is likely to have skills to help you and only you. Maybe it would be helpful to think of other people who have similar problems, thus distancing yourself from your unique situation. There are presumably matchmakers who can help both them and you.
Click to expand...
I hate to sound dense, but I’m not sure what you’re talking about. What and what am I bartering for / with?
 
Bataar said:
I hate to sound dense, but I’m not sure what you’re talking about. What and what am I bartering for / with?
Click to expand...
The difficulty that you face is a negative, but difficulties are always solved by means of a positive. My point was simply that you are a bit too close to your own difficulty to put things into perspective. Other people have difficulties that you could help them solve, but naturally your first inclination isn’t to look for random people who face problems that they don’t know how to solve.

Your approach seems too direct: as though you were to see a particular watch on someone’s wrist, like it, and then try to buy that particular watch owned by that particular person. This thread begins with a description of your own recent experience. That recent experience was a reminder of what you want, and temporarily stopped seeking because you knew of no method that will make your goal achievable. Fixating on the particular woman involved – who already has a boyfriend – isn’t helpful. It would be better to find people who are actively seeking somebody to help them solve their problems, provided that there’s a chance you can be of assistance. They would be grateful and offer to help you with something, and then you might find that they can help you via their own general knowledge, life experience, or creativity.
 
PseuTonym said:
The difficulty that you face is a negative, but difficulties are always solved by means of a positive. My point was simply that you are a bit too close to your own difficulty to put things into perspective. Other people have difficulties that you could help them solve, but naturally your first inclination isn’t to look for random people who face problems that they don’t know how to solve.

Your approach seems too direct: as though you were to see a particular watch on someone’s wrist, like it, and then try to buy that particular watch owned by that particular person. This thread begins with a description of your own recent experience. That recent experience was a reminder of what you want, and temporarily stopped seeking because you knew of no method that will make your goal achievable. Fixating on the particular woman involved – who already has a boyfriend – isn’t helpful. It would be better to find people who are actively seeking somebody to help them solve their problems, provided that there’s a chance you can be of assistance. They would be grateful and offer to help you with something, and then you might find that they can help you via their own general knowledge, life experience, or creativity.
Click to expand...
Ok, that makes a little more sense. I’m still not sure what you mean about looking for random people with problems to try to solve, but the rest makes sense.

The problem is that, outside of my job, I pretty much don’t interact with anyone. I go home everyday and unless I need to run an errand, I just stay home. It’s hard to come up with reasons to leave or think of stuff to do by myself. The woman in question is the only unmarried woman at work. With her unavailable, there is not a single, single woman I know (who’s age appropriate anyway). Talking to her at the game (before I knew about the boyfriend) was one happiest moments I can remember going back several years. I thought it might break the cycle of years long loneliness, but it doesn’t appear so.
 
Bataar said:
Ok, that makes a little more sense. I’m still not sure what you mean about looking for random people with problems to try to solve, but the rest makes sense.

The problem is that, outside of my job, I pretty much don’t interact with anyone. I go home everyday and unless I need to run an errand, I just stay home. It’s hard to come up with reasons to leave or think of stuff to do by myself. The woman in question is the only unmarried woman at work. With her unavailable, there is not a single, single woman I know (who’s age appropriate anyway). Talking to her at the game (before I knew about the boyfriend) was one happiest moments I can remember going back several years. I thought it might break the cycle of years long loneliness, but it doesn’t appear so.
Click to expand...
I think that’s the limiting factor for a lot of people these days to be honest. People do often meet partners through people so I would argue that spending time with this individual could open up the possibility of meeting people through her, she or her boyfriend could have some single friends.
 
I think a vast majority of girls have a boyfriend. Socially it is taboo not to. So I have no problem pursuing that.

A strong no on a fiancée.

But “boyfriend”. Sure. I never would have had a date if I was only limited to girls that had just been dumped or who were “single”…
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I think a vast majority of girls have a boyfriend. Socially it is taboo not to. So I have no problem pursuing that.

A strong no on a fiancée.

But “boyfriend”. Sure. I never would have had a date if I was only limited to girls that had just been dumped or who were “single”…
Click to expand...
You’re right that it is SAD not to have a boyfriend, but there are a lot of unattached young women, especially unattached Catholic women.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I think a vast majority of girls have a boyfriend. Socially it is taboo not to. So I have no problem pursuing that.

A strong no on a fiancée.

But “boyfriend”. Sure. I never would have had a date if I was only limited to girls that had just been dumped or who were “single”…
Click to expand...
So you are ok with your daughters’ boyfriends dating women from work while making your daughter think they’re exclusive? And you would be fine with this level of integrity on the part of your kids?

Funny, I don’t know a lot of happily married people who started off by making a fool of another person before getting serious themselves, and I’m not convinced it’s somehow necessary to do so to get a date. Single women (and men) are everywhere, and no, it’s not “taboo”.:rolleyes:
 
BlueEyedLady said:
So you are ok with your daughters’ boyfriends dating women from work while making your daughter think they’re exclusive? And you would be fine with this level of integrity on the part of your kids?

Funny, I don’t know a lot of happily married people who started off by making a fool of another person before getting serious themselves, and I’m not convinced it’s somehow necessary to do so to get a date. Single women (and men) are everywhere, and no, it’s not “taboo”.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...
Indeed, that’s pretty icky.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
So you are ok with your daughters’ boyfriends dating women from work while making your daughter think they’re exclusive? And you would be fine with this level of integrity on the part of your kids?

Funny, I don’t know a lot of happily married people who started off by making a fool of another person before getting serious themselves, and I’m not convinced it’s somehow necessary to do so to get a date. Single women (and men) are everywhere, and no, it’s not “taboo”.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...
“Making them think they are the exclusive”

That’s an issue sure.

I honestly do not have a problem. If the bf/gf are exclusive them they WONT be dating other people at a baseball game…🤷
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
“Making them think they are the exclusive”

That’s an issue sure.

I honestly do not have a problem. If the bf/gf are exclusive them they WONT be dating other people at a baseball game…🤷
Click to expand...
That makes no sense. How many people have thought they were in an exclusive relationship, complete with overt agreements, only to find out their SO was going out with other people? And how do you think that makes them feel?

If you know someone is in enough of a relationship to have it on Facebook with pictures (usually means there’s an expectation of exclusivity), the only decent thing to do is move on. The woman in this situation is sleazy and likely going behind her boyfriend’s back (dishonesty should and a willingness to betray trust should always be a deal breaker). Men who pursue women in these situations send a loud message that dishonesty and causing someone pain is alright by them, as long as it’s to their benefit - another huge red flag.

Like I said, people like this deserve each other. But why not aim to be better and attract better, especially if you’re dating for marriage?
 
BlueEyedLady said:
That makes no sense. How many people have thought they were in an exclusive relationship, complete with overt agreements, only to find out their SO was going out with other people? And how do you think that makes them feel?

If you know someone is in enough of a relationship to have it on Facebook with pictures (usually means there’s an expectation of exclusivity), the only decent thing to do is move on. The woman in this situation is sleazy and likely going behind her boyfriend’s back (dishonesty should and a willingness to betray trust should always be a deal breaker). Men who pursue women in these situations send a loud message that dishonesty and causing someone pain is alright by them, as long as it’s to their benefit - another huge red flag.

Like I said, people like this deserve each other. But why not aim to be better and attract better, especially if you’re dating for marriage?
Click to expand...
Eh… unfortunately not everyone breaks up before they don’t want to be mutually exclusive. If men stayed away from women with boyfriends all those romantic Victorian books and movies would be pretty bland…

I think a woman can have more than one suitor, or a man for that matter.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Eh… unfortunately not everyone breaks up before they don’t want to be mutually exclusive. If men stayed away from women with boyfriends all those romantic Victorian books and movies would be pretty bland…

I think a woman can have more than one suitor, or a man for that matter.
Click to expand...
It doesn’t seem to me to just be a matter of not being exclusive, though. I agree on that - when initially dating, there’s nothing wrong with seeing more than one person at a time, because it’s casual and you’re just getting to know someone. But to publicly label someone as your “boyfriend” (and Facebook is a way of doing that) implies exclusivity. That’s the point where you stop accepting dates from other men, or make it clear that it’s a friends-only outing.

This girl is being pretty cruddy to her boyfriend, and to the OP. I don’t deny that’s how it often happens, but it’s not very respectful behavior.
 
pensmama87 said:
It doesn’t seem to me to just be a matter of not being exclusive, though. I agree on that - when initially dating, there’s nothing wrong with seeing more than one person at a time, because it’s casual and you’re just getting to know someone. But to publicly label someone as your “boyfriend” (and Facebook is a way of doing that) implies exclusivity. That’s the point where you stop accepting dates from other men, or make it clear that it’s a friends-only outing.

This girl is being pretty cruddy to her boyfriend, and to the OP. I don’t deny that’s how it often happens, but it’s not very respectful behavior.
Click to expand...
The problem is a term like “boyfriend” can have multiple meanings and on a social media site it’s about as interpretative as an emoji.! If it’s serious, I’m sure conversation at the game would have included that.

I mean she has pictures as recently as LAST MONTH!!! :eek::rolleyes:

You know, if Sandy had stayed with the jock instead of going to the dance with Danny, Grease would have had a different ending… and isn’t she the miss goodie two shoes…
 
I do not think it’s fair to assign this woman a scarlet letter because of a status on Facebook.
She isn’t married.
She isn’t even engaged…
Her only moral flaw seems to me to be being a mariners fan. And for that I say burn her!!!
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I do not think it’s fair to assign this woman a scarlet letter because of a status on Facebook.
She isn’t married.
She isn’t even engaged…
Her only moral flaw seems to me to be being a mariners fan. And for that I say burn her!!!
Click to expand...
No. But she is making a public statement about being in a relationship while going out with another guy without mentioning it to him. What do you think the odds are she told her boyfriend either? She’s trying to find a better deal before cutting her current guy loose - that’s just crummy behavior towards everyone and should be treated as a serious character flaw.

Unless there’s something the OP left out, it’s pretty clear she’s selfish and dishonest in her personal relationships. I’m close to 30 and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone post that they are “in a relationship” and have pictures of them with their proclaimed SO without an understanding of exclusivity. I don’t think these public decelerations are as empty as you seem to think they are when made by adults (teenagers may be a different story). Who would announce a relationship to all of their friends, family members, and any professional contacts on social media if everyone was cool seeing other people? That just has too much potential for embarrassment.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
No. But she is making a public statement about being in a relationship while going out with another guy without mentioning it to him. What do you think the odds are she told her boyfriend either? She’s trying to find a better deal before cutting her current guy loose - that’s just crummy behavior towards everyone and should be treated as a serious character flaw.

Unless there’s something the OP left out, it’s pretty clear she’s selfish and dishonest in her personal relationships. I’m close to 30 and I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone post that they are “in a relationship” and have pictures of them with their proclaimed SO without an understanding of exclusivity. I don’t think these public decelerations are as empty as you seem to think they are when made by adults (teenagers may be a different story). Who would announce a relationship to all of their friends, family members, and any professional contacts on social media if everyone was cool seeing other people? That just has too much potential for embarrassment.
Click to expand...
It just doesn’t bother me…
🤷
 
Since when did FaceBook begin impacting what we perceive as moral behavior?
FB is pretty much a scourge on society.
Ever seen the show CATFISH? Lots of posers there.
If he met a girl, and she’s a real person, and she will go to a ball game with him, fine.
I’ve always had a pile of men friends. They’re way easier to get along with. The hubs is fine with it. Most of them end up being good friends with him anyway.
I don’t see it as a negative, unless she has the “I’m going to slap you around if you look at someone else” kind of boyfriend. In which case, she NEEDS a new boyfriend.

How does anyone find anyone with this idea that you can only date someone who wants to get married to a CAtholic person RIGHT NOW. Never seen one of those in captivity.
I would think most men would run screaming from the room. :eek:🤷
 
I’m not putting anything on her, at least for now. For all I know, she may have just thought of it as two co workers going to a game together and bringing up her boyfriend would just be awkward. She’s going on a trip with her mom next week but when she gets back, I might ask her if she wants to do something else just to see. Still on the fence.
 
Bataar said:
I’m not putting anything on her, at least for now. For all I know, she may have just thought of it as two co workers going to a game together and bringing up her boyfriend would just be awkward. She’s going on a trip with her mom next week but when she gets back, I might ask her if she wants to do something else just to see. Still on the fence.
Click to expand...
Sure. Open. Honesty.
She may say, no it’s too much since I have a boyfriend, or she may be looking for an out and to meet new people. Just play it by ear, and DON’T READ ANYTHING INTO ANYTHING.
Good luck!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top