Looking for support for not attending a gay wedding ceremony

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Enceladus

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Hello All,

I’ve seen many posts on these forms counseling many other posters on not attending gay marriage ceremonies. This issue hits very close to home for me as I have a gay sister who is planning on having a gay marriage type ceremony in the not to distance future.

I’ve already spoken with two different priests on this matter. One said that it would be wrong to attend such a ceremony. The other said that, provided I explain my opposition to such a ceremony in principle and minimized my participation as much a possible (basically just an observer) that out of concern for our relationship and out of charity I could possibly attend such an event.

I’m still wrestling with the issue myself. What I was hoping someone here could provide was some kind of references to the Catechism or Cannon Law that specifically detail how it is sinful for a lay catholic to attend such a ceremony. In all the posts and commentary I’ve seen so far, I have not seen this kind of support offered and I feel that if I am going to make a decision that could irreparably harm my relationship with my sister for the foreseeable future and cause a major rift in my family I should be able to make reference to some pretty substantial and unambiguous Church teachings on the matter.

Please understand, I don’t for a moment dispute or question the Church teaching on why the idea of a same sex marriage is impossible, on that I have no doubt. What I’m questioning is how it could be sinful for a lay catholic to attend such an event after expressing their objections out of a desire to not alienate their family.

Any (name removed by moderator)ut or guidance on this issue would be most appreciated.

Thank you,
 
You, as a Catholic, came to the right forum for a Catholic answer to a Catholic concern. Of course, since the forum is open to non-Catholics, one would sometimes get advice contrary to Catholic sensibilities. Some are just too quick to give their 2 cents in, like the poster above.^

Should one attend?

The moral principles involved in your question and applicable CCC teachings are cited in the article.

Excerpts

Issue: Does the Catholic Church prohibit Catholics from attending weddings that the Church does not recognize? If a Catholic is invited to such a wedding and can attend, is it permissible for him to be in the wedding party?
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Conclusion:

Anyone invited to the wedding of a couple whose marriage does not promote the truth should prayerfully consider his actions. Using the teachings explained in the Catechism, he should ask, “How can I avoid participating in their sin, yet encourage their salvation? How can I avoid scandal, yet encourage the salvation of others?” Anyone in this situation should discuss the matter with a spiritual director or in the confessional before making the decision. Whatever one’s decision may be, a Catholic should strive to give a clear and charitable witness to the faith. The Catholic Church does not teach whether we must or must not attend. Christ does say we must witness to the truth in a charitable manner. If loved ones or friends go through with the wedding, a Catholic should look for opportunities to maintain contact and witness to the truth. Above all, our decisions and actions must promote the salvation of souls. In fostering the salvation of souls, the Two Great Commandments are fulfilled.

Further, you may read similar questions posed to apologists at CAF and threads of the same substance (there are more if you do a search):

Should I go to my sister’s same sex wedding

Can Catholics attend gay commitment ceremonies?

What should I do if I’m invited to a gay wedding?

Gay engagement party
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Thanks for posting those links, 'Grace. 🙂

I will add that any so-called friend of mine who would ask me to violate my moral principles so that he or she could feel good is not much of a friend. My friends never ask me to do this. Ditto for any relatives who really care about me, respect me, honor my beliefs and my feelings.

The idea that declining an invitation to a highly controversial ceremony forbidden by the Church which my relatives know me to be a practicing member of, would “alienate” them, is a suggestion no intelligent, knowledgeable priest should even be thinking, let alone thinking out loud.
 
What harm could there be in going? Sure, you disagree with some aspects of your sister’s relationship, but surely you don’t think there’s anything wrong with her celebrating the fact that she is committed to her partner. Just think of it as being a guest at a non-Christian wedding.
 
You know I don’t think I would have any friends if I only supported friends who lived wholly inside of church teachings. I am a sinner myself. Do you think not attending your sisters wedding will be something that will make her look at herself and the state of her soul? Do you think it will cause a rift in your relationship? I think you need to have some sort of positive relationship with your sister if you want any chance of her conversion. I know you are not saying you are cutting her off but if this is something that rip apart your relationship I would rethink your stance.
I think you would look like someone standing on a moral high horse judging everyone. Not a good way to win over people. I would feel differently if this were a friend or acquaintance, but this is your sister. I am sure she knows how you feel about her lifestyle.

My I suggest visiting prayer intentions and ask for some prayers for you, your sister, and family. I will be praying for you. This must be difficult.

I sometimes don’t see the tone of my writing, so if it sounds rude or abrupt I is not meant to. I just am not as gifted a writer as others on this forum;)
 
petitfleur said:
You know I don’t think I would have any friends if I only supported friends who lived wholly inside of church teachings.
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That’s a separate issue. I have friends who are Jews, ex-Catholics, various religions, and atheists. It has nothing to do with “living wholly inside church teachings.” It has to do with respecting the autonomy and integrity of each other’s viewpoints. My friends do not ask me to compromise my morals as the price of friendship, nor would I ask it of them. You entirely missed the point of my post.
 
Brofessor said:
What harm could there be in going?
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Harm to her own soul, harm to the soul of others.
Brofessor said:
but surely you don’t think there’s anything wrong with her celebrating the fact that she is committed to her partner.
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Seriously? Same sex attraction is disordered. Same sex sexual activity is a grave offense against the sixth commandment. Supporting someone in these activities perpetuates the idea that there is “nothing wrong” with it. Of course there is “something” wrong with it-- everything about it is wrong.

Those who persist in these grave sins do so because they have convinced themselves nothing is wrong with what they are doing. It takes the moral courage of those who know it is wrong to continue to be a beacon of light for them. No one should be uncharitable. But lying to people attempting same sex “marriage” or commitment is not helpful to them, and is in fact harmful to their souls.

This is no different from continuing to be the voice of truth regarding any other serious sin.
Brofessor said:
Just think of it as being a guest at a non-Christian wedding.
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One may not “think” of it as a wedding at all, because of course it isn’t one. That is the whole point.
 
:tsktsk::tsktsk:

With that said…there are FAR too many people out there calling themselves Catholic yet REFUSE to be in obedience to Catholic teaching. Please don’t become one of them. Now I realize there isn’t anything specifically saying you can’t attend (canon law/catechism) your sisters celebration of what she thinks is love but what in reality is sin.

I would strongly encourage you original poster to go with the advice given by the apologists. Tell your sister you love her but cannot attend something that your conscience and your faith tells you is a celebration of sin.

Sorry but her even asking you to attend knowing how you feel shows little or no respect for you…and quite honestly goes along with what many practicing homosexuals do namely use intimidation (through family) and or guilt to get their agenda pushed through and recognized.

What is more important how your family feels and sees you or how God sees you and the witness you give as a follower of his. (Jesus may have eaten with prostitutes but it wasn’t to “support” them but teach them the truth and how they can be free from their sin.) I can say I know what it’s like to alienate family, I’m converting to Catholicism and married to a HARDCORE anti-Catholic…but remember (he who loves father, mother, son, daughter, wife more than me is not worthy of me…)-tough scripture but God is more important than family.

DoT
 
1ke said:
Harm to her own soul, harm to the soul of others.

Seriously? Same sex attraction is disordered. Same sex sexual activity is a grave offense against the sixth commandment. Supporting someone in these activities perpetuates the idea that there is “nothing wrong” with it. Of course there is “something” wrong with it-- everything about it is wrong.

Those who persist in these grave sins do so because they have convinced themselves nothing is wrong with what they are doing. It takes the moral courage of those who know it is wrong to continue to be a beacon of light for them. No one should be uncharitable. But lying to people attempting same sex “marriage” or commitment is not helpful to them, and is in fact harmful to their souls.

This is no different from continuing to be the voice of truth regarding any other serious sin.

One may not “think” of it as a wedding at all, because of course it isn’t one. That is the whole point.
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THIS. 👍
 
OP, it is telling that YOU are concerned about damaging your relationship with your sister. Why doesn’t she have the same compassion for you? Would you expect her to “support” you in a situation which she finds morally wrong? If she loves you and values you, she may feel sad that you cannot attend, but she will respect you for following your principles, even if she disagrees. This relationship is not your responsibility alone.
 
I can’t give you any moral reasons why or why not to go, but I think I would go in order too show that you are a true Catholic because Jesus taught us to love everyone.:o
 
Heavy_Cross said:
I can’t give you any moral reasons why or why not to go, but I think I would go in order too show that you are a true Catholic because Jesus taught us to love everyone.:o
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You can show someone you love them, REALLY love them, by not celebrating their sin that will land them in hell for eternity. That’s REAL love. It took someone giving me a hard talk to understand my fleshly sins back in my early 20’s. Quite frankly I wish my family was more like that person but they went the easy route and just let me wallow in filth because they “loved” me… :rolleyes:
 
OP, I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult, but I strongly advise against going to the wedding. As Catholics, we are called to show love to everyone among us, especially the sinners, but we are also called to not celebrate the sin itself. “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”

This isn’t some social gathering like a birthday party where your sister and her partner will be. There would be no problem with you going to something like that, even if you knew the partner would be there with your sister. This is a “wedding,” a celebration of the relationship they share together. It is this type of relationship that the Catholic church teaches against; a sexual relationship between two persons of the same sex. To attend the wedding is to say that you are celebrating that relationship. Even if you make it a point to say that you don’t agree with it, actions speak louder than words. You being there says that you support the marriage.

If your sister asks you to attend, she is asking you to go against what your religion teaches. This is disrespectful to you and your beliefs. It’s one thing to go to something that celebrates your sister as a person, completely another to celebrate her poor choices. Going to a same sex marriage ceremony is celebrating a choice that your sister is making, and one that Catholics believe is immoral.
 
1 Corinthians 5 9-13

" I wrote to you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— 10 (not at all meaning )the sexually immoral of this world, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters, since then you would need to go out of the world. 11 But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. 12 For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? 13 God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”

If they are not Christians, you may not be guilty of sin by attending but you also need to ask yourself a question…

We all are sinners, but the difference here is, the guests of honors admit to no sin with their action. The sole purpose of this event is to celebrate their sinful union. It’s like throwing a party and congratulating them for sinning.

Would you attend a party thrown with the sole intent of celebrating a different type of sinful action?

This is not easy. But Jesus never said following him would be.
 
DaddyGirl said:
InSearchofGrace;9188694:
You, as a Catholic, came to the right forum for a Catholic answer to a Catholic concern. Of course, since the forum is open to non-Catholics, one would sometimes get advice contrary to Catholic sensibilities. Some are just too quick to give their 2 cents in, like the poster above.^

Hey!!!
Hold on there!

As someone who does not specifically follow the Catholic religion, I think I did pretty darn good at 3am trying to give her what I recalled was the official Catholic advice I had seen on this forum…and also, agreeing with one of the priests!
I also pointed out that I didn’t know all the C-specifics and that others, like you, would be able to furnish her with that today.

I gave her a “quick” answer because she was upset at 3am and all alone, and I wanted to be helpful and at least tell her I admire her heart and love of her sister…and even give her the Cath-advice that I don’t even agree with!

Quite rude of you to put down my “quick 2 cents” especially when I obviously was trying to show love for another human being when I was up all night, working hard, tired, but took a few minutes anyway to reply to a stranger looking for help.
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I beg to differ. It was not rude to say what I did in reply to the OP. If you read the first two sentences in my post, and the substance of the links I provided, you would get what I was imparting to Enceladus. The advice of the two priests the OP approached are not necessarily opposed. The second was more nuanced and specific.

Which is the “Cath-advice” that you don’t agree with, the instruction in the Catechism on sin and scandal? Of course, you would not support Catholic instruction. Your advice is, in short, “I hope you attend the wedding!”

Was your post one of love that you were imparting at 3 a.m. or a quick secular / non-Catholic advice for a Catholic with a dilemma to do the easy thing but will affirm a prohibited union according to Catholic teaching?

Your faith i.d. says “off-the-record” and in your words, you do not follow the Catholic religion, which is not to say that the posters who identify as “Catholic, attending an Episcopalian Church,” or catholic with a small “c,” necessarily follow Catholic teaching.

The poster is a Catholic, unless you missed it. And this is a Catholic apostolate. Please read the stated mission of Catholic Answers.
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OP, have you talked to your sister about how to handle the obvious situation that a) your views of what moral law demands are substantially different and b) you still want to love and respect each other’s views and find a way to accomodate the need you each have to live according to right and wrong as you understand it?

Your sister loves you. You love her. I am going to assume that your sister may think she is entirely clear on what your* moral compass tells you but she may not actually know the nuances of what you believe.

Find a quiet and private time and tell her you need to approach this as two people from totally different cultures, with real differences but also with a desire to live in peace in spite of your differences. This is not about politics that might be taking place “out there” somewhere. This is about you being convinced you have the truth, she being convinced she does, and living together without a religious war over it. This is about living your relationship with each other in a way that neither charity nor personal integrity is given short shrift.

Ask her to explain what she thinks someone in your situation ought to do, short of simply capitulating and putting her moral law in place of yours: because of course either of you could try to expect that, and good luck!. Then you can have your turn. *Do not argue with her and therefore insist that for the purpose of this conversation, she not argue with you. *The goal is not to come out with a single compromise moral law, but rather to come to an understanding of how you’re going to navigate your real moral differnces with integrity and love. At that point, you’ll each at least know what the other one thinks, and won’t be so likely to make rash assumptions.

It may be that your sister will be OK with the idea that you can welcome the person she is bringing into the family circle as a human being but feel that if you came to their wedding would wind up being a liar, a hypocrite, a troublemaker, a wet towel, or some combination of all of the above. It is OK to say that it is a sad state of affairs for both of you, but it is what it is. She may also go ballistic, but at least she will have heard all of this from your mouth, and vice versa. If there is going to be a conflict, let it take place in real time between you, and not by guesswork and gossip travelling by way of intermediaries.

Make your decision after you’ve talked to your sister.

(*I would always state your stance not as “the Church says” but as “my morals say”, because one’s own personally-formed conscience is what mints all the coin of the moral realm in our times. Stay on that ground: the Church teaches it, yes, but in the end the driving concern is that this my deep personal belief. IOW, this problem is about us and a difference between us, not about Rome butting into our relationship by rules imposed on me against my will. I think that will give you the most honest results, whatever that turns out to be.)
 
Elizabeth502 said:
That’s a separate issue. I have friends who are Jews, ex-Catholics, various religions, and atheists. It has nothing to do with “living wholly inside church teachings.” It has to do with respecting the autonomy and integrity of each other’s viewpoints. My friends do not ask me to compromise my morals as the price of friendship, nor would I ask it of them. You entirely missed the point of my post.
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Wow, I really did not mean to offend you, and stated so in my post.
 
I don’t think you should go to the wedding. If it was someone I was only casually aquainted with, I would go with something along the lines of, “Sorry. I value your friendship, but attending such things is against my religion. I wish you hapiness.”

But since this is your sister, it’s a little different.Would your turning down of her invitation be the first she’s heard of your not supporting this union? If so, I think that’s a little bit unfair. You should probably have already told her how you feel about it. Is she Catholic? Does she know that you are faithful to Church teachings? If so, this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
 
I don’t think the sister is disrespecting the OP or asking her to compromise her faith. She is only inviting her sister to her wedding. I don’t know what their relationship is but I can’t imagine not inviting my own sibling to a wedding weather I think they might go or not because it would be plain rude not to.
 
petitfleur said:
I don’t think the sister is disrespecting the OP or asking her to compromise her faith. She is only inviting her sister to her wedding. I don’t know what their relationship is but I can’t imagine not inviting my own sibling to a wedding weather I think they might go or not because it would be plain rude not to.
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Technically, she hasn’t even been invited yet. The sister may fully realized the complicated situation the OP is in and fully understand why she can’t attend.
 
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