Looking to See If I am Alone

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blackice71

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Guys, I have a question for you specifically. I have been married for nearly 18 years now and have a 16 year old daughter. I am however haunted by the fact that I married my first girl friend…never even kissed another woman. The world says that is a mistake, and I sometimes feel like I missed out on something. I know this seems like a wierd issue, but it is really eating at me. Any guys out there with similar stories…hoping for some advice and wisdom. 😊
 
Do you love your wife? Is your intimate life lacking? Why would you be concerned about this, especially now, 18 years later?

But to your question, no you are not alone. I didn’t marry my first girlfriend but I did marry the first girl I “really kissed” if you understand my meaning. A few pecks with the other girls and those relationships lasted a few months and that’s it.

So I guess you could say I married my first serious girlfriend and the only woman I’ve ever felt actual love for and not just infatuation. That’s why the other relationships fizzled after a few months. Once the starstruck feeling faded a bit there was nothing left underneath it except having some similar interests.

I’ve never stopped loving my wife or even being “in love” with her since day one. Will celebrating five years of marriage in the fall and have passed six years of being a couple.

My wife on the other hand dated a lot of guys (she’s stunningly beautiful so I understand) though she only had serious relationships with a couple of them. Being a good Catholic girl there was nothing beyond kissing but she certainly had more experience on that front than I did. That said, she’d definitely concede that our first “real kiss” was much different than with those other guys. I doubt she’d say she’s better off and that I missed anything.
 
Thank you for your reply. You raise some good questions. Yes I do love my wife, but I guess you might say “the spark” has left. I would say that she was never my “physical type”…our relationship was totally initiated on an intellectual and spiritual level. So in short…I love her, but feel a little conflicted in my middle age.
 
blackice71 said:
Thank you for your reply. You raise some good questions. Yes I do love my wife, but I guess you might say “the spark” has left. I would say that she was never my “physical type”…our relationship was totally initiated on an intellectual and spiritual level. So in short…I love her, but feel a little conflicted in my middle age.
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If the spark is gone then reignite it. You’ve been married nearly two decades. It’s perfectly normal for the embers to cool a bit unless you and your wife make an effort to pour fresh fuel on the fire. So go do it!

I fully expect to have to do the same over the years as we age. None of us stay young and beautiful forever but we can remain passionate for one another for many, many years!
 
Thanks man, I know you are right…just need to be reminded sometimes, I guess…
 
I married the first woman i was ever with. Never had a girlfriend or any other relationship before that. She’s still my #1.
btw i was 28.
 
Be glad you didn’t bring all the baggage that most of us have brought into our marriages. I think “dating around” before you settle down is way over-rated. I think it’s sweet that she truly has always been your one-and-only.
 
Someone once asked radio host Dr. James Dobson, how can you tell if you married the right person? He answered that there may be many good mates out there, and there is no one reason to marry one over the other. But once you make it to the alter, you have given the pledge of a lifetime of fidelity, and promised to forsake all others. Live that life, and cleave to your bride, a treasure from God’s love.

St. John says, “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world passeth away and the lust thereof, but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.” The devil beguils and deceives us in our imagination. The father of lies, all he flatters the world with is lies.
 
I’m unmarried, so feel more than free to pour the salt-shaker out with this post, but…

I’ve spent the last few years of my life as a chaplain assistant in the military, and I’ve been the “go-to” guy for relationship advice for most of my adult life. I have absolutly NO idea why. However.

The biggest thing that I hear with couples whose “spark” is gone is that they’ve stopped working at it. They haven’t had a real date or done anything new or even had a meaningful conversation with each other for far too long. A very wise man once told me while buying flowers one Thursday evening “Relationships are alot like cars. You need to keep up with them. Just because you don’t see a problem right now doesn’t mean that the oil doesn’t need changed, or that you’ve got rust on the door panel”.

So don’t feel down. Lots of fellas have thoughts about “missing something” or “what could have been”. That’s ok. But you’ve been married for quite a long time. Think about why. Why did you fall in love with this woman? What brought you two closer over the years? What kind of things from your shared youth do you miss? What are some things you two talked about doing but never go around to?

Now? Go do some of them. Fall back in love with each other. And though it’s Tuesday, mayhap pick up a dozen roses on the way home from work.
 
🙂

Thanks you all for your great words of advice and encouragement!
 
pinetree said:
Someone once asked radio host Dr. James Dobson, how can you tell if you married the right person? He answered that there may be many good mates out there, and there is no one reason to marry one over the other. But once you make it to the alter, you have given the pledge of a lifetime of fidelity, and promised to forsake all others. Live that life, and cleave to your bride, a treasure from God’s love.

St. John says, “For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world passeth away and the lust thereof, but he that doeth the will of God abideth for ever.” The devil beguils and deceives us in our imagination. The father of lies, all he flatters the world with is lies.
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WOW–that says it all. No doubt the thoughts that have arisen in my mind are of the Evil One.
 
I had one boyfriend before my husband, and I wish I had not even had that. My younger sister married her first boyfriend (they began dating when she was 14!), and people told her she was making a mistake, solely because she had not “dated around”, not because her husband was not a wonderful, incredible man.

They have their 13th anniversary this summer. 🤷

You are NOT missing out!
 
blackice71 said:
Guys, I have a question for you specifically. I have been married for nearly 18 years now and have a 16 year old daughter. I am however haunted by the fact that I married my first girl friend…never even kissed another woman. The world says that is a mistake, and I sometimes feel like I missed out on something. I know this seems like a wierd issue, but it is really eating at me. Any guys out there with similar stories…hoping for some advice and wisdom. 😊
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I also married my first serious boyfriend, I was too young to date before I met him. I’ve often wondered the same thing but then after thinking about it I remember how lucky I am to have such a great husband who treats me well and is a wonderful father. I got lucky. I look around at other people’s marriages around me and most of them are people who were totally wrong for each other. I also look at people I have known that did the dating world for far too long because they couldn’t find the right person and that is something I would never want to touch. :eek: Ugh. It’s not pretty.

Be thankful for what you have. You didn’t miss out on anything.
 
Well, I am one of those people who has a ton of “experience.” It was a lot of fun, a lot of joy, and a lot of healing for me. I have been married to my husband for three years (not that long, I know), so that’s where I’m coming from.

Anyway, I can tell you that when compared to sex within a loving, supportive, monogamous marriage, any of my previous experience just seems pointless in comparison. Whatever meaning or significance it had at the time just fades into the background in a bland grayscale compared to the relationship with my husband which is bright strokes of color in the foreground. And my husband feels the same way about his “experience” before our marriage.

So, from someone who has “been there, done that,” trust me when I say that you are really not missing anything.
 
OP-

My story is similar to yours in regards to who I married. Having observed two of my brothers and some of my friends who “went to the other side of the fence” I have to say the grass is definitely greener on our side of it.
 
blackice71 said:
The world says that is a mistake, and I sometimes feel like I missed out on something.
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Never listen to what the world says. Often times, those who’ve ventured out to have fun and sow wild oats have wound up with a lifetime of headaches and regrets, and much amends to make. Realize that you are greatly blessed.
 
Gabriel_Serafin said:
Never listen to what the world says. Often times, those who’ve ventured out to have fun and sow wild oats have wound up with a lifetime of headaches and regrets, and much amends to make. Realize that you are greatly blessed.
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So true! You can help keep your marriage “young” by having weekly “date nights” (even if some are just spent with popcorn snuggling on the couch to a mutually-agreeable movie) and reminiscing about how you felt and where you went when you were dating your wife. You are truly blessed not to have the baggage that many do!
 
My husband was my first real boyfriend. We met when I was 20 and he was 24. I had some dates before that but nothing serious. He had a girlfriend in high school and only a little dating in college.

Neither of us regrets our “inexperience”. We cherish the experience of being married to each other, through all the ups and downs and raising seven children. We celebrated 29 years of marriage this year and it’s better than ever! Pray together, worship together, go on dates together, really listen to each other. If the fire has gone down, fan the flames! Do little acts of kindness, say or write sweet things, buy a small unexpected gift or plan a surprise weekend away.

God bless you and your wife. May you have many more happy years together.
 
My wife was the second girl I ever dated. Even up until our 3rd or 4th year of marriage I had people telling me that I would never be happy and that our marriage would never last because I didn’t date more or sleep around before we were married. I had plenty of friends urge me to join them in their lamentation of the fact that she was the only woman I’d ever sleep with. However, everything they viewed as a negative, I view as a positive. Although I missed out on a lot of the experiences my friends got to partake in, I also got to avoid many of the experiences that went along with them. I never had to get tested for STD’s, or hide/lie about the results. I never had to take a paternity test, or hide/lie about the results. I don’t have any ticking time bombs in my past (at least three friends immediately jump to mind whose marriages would be over in a heartbeat if their spouse found out they slept with so-and-so). I also never have to worry about going to a reunion or meeting someone from my past and having to go through that awkward experience of introducing her to someone I used to sleep with. At the same time, my wife certainly suffers from my lack of experience. She’ll never have to worry about me comparing her to another woman. She’ll never have to worry about measuring up to any of my ex’s, or me getting emails/Facebook requests/phone calls from one of them. She’ll also never get to go through the fun times a friend of ours had a couple years ago when her husband’s previously-unknown teenage daughter showed up at the front door.

As far as spicing things up, I found that I quit having to worry about once I decided that every morning when I woke up I would consciously choose to love her at least as much as the day before.
 
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