Lord Help - My Husband is on a path to destruction, having affair and moved out

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FaithAbound

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My Husband is 51 years old, I am 44, and we have no children. We have been together for 15 years. Four years ago, he left our marriage on Xmas Eve 2009 and pursued a separation after I found out was unfaithful (he says only emotionally unfaithful). After he moved out, he was deployed to Afghanistan for 1 year. 5 months before completing his deployment, we reconciled and he returned home in April 2011. We were happy and spent time with friends and family. Then in early August 2013, after a great family vacation with family and our anniversary, my Husband tells me that he is unhappy and has always been unhappy and wants a divorce. Told me he was not changing his mind and that we were not compatible. I beg, I plead with him, but nothing. I only get anger and resentment from him. Then I found out that he once again has been unfaithful. I try to get him into counseling, but he would not go. I ask him about his unhappiness and if could speak with me about it. He gives me a blank stare. Says that he has tried to be a good husband over the last 2 years, but he realizes he was faking it. I then tell him that alienation of affection, because he did not invest in our marriage when he was emotionally attached to another women. He alienated his affection from me. I am at a lost. he has moved out, does not want to speak to me other than through email. I have been a good wife. I have a full-time job, but I cook dinner every night for us, I set the table and we sit down as a family. I wash his clothes, I plan our vacations and visits with family and friends. What have I done to deserve his wrath? He is being completely a “monster” that I do not recognize. Help!

Please pray for the salvation and redemption of my husband. I am very afraid that he is heading down the path of destruction. He does not read the bible, nor has he prayed in all the time that I have known him. This is the second instance of infidelity that I know of and I don’t want him to suffer the wrath of God. Please pray that he is saved from evil and confesses his sins. I ask God to imbed his will into my husband’s head. I ask to keep him and make him whole again. I believe that my Husband is struggling with issues of inadequacy (or maybe he is being selfish) that he has been unable to communicate with me and for that I ask God to forgive me for not recognizing the signs early enough to support and help my Husband. I pray that once God heals my Husband and softens his heart, that reconciliation of our marriage will follow. I love him as I love the Lord. I know the power of God, and I know there are not buts, but I have been struggling with my own faith because I am not sure if this second discovery of infidelity is God telling me that my Husband cannot be saved and to just move on. Lord God, please work on me, continue to renew my faith and make my strong to deal with what my husband and I are facing and please Father, do not let this marriage end in divorce.

😦
 
I feel badly for all that you are going through right now.

I will pray for both of you sister. :hug3:
 
Praying for you.

On a practical note, is he still in the military? What he is describing could very well be symptoms and side effects from his service. He may be having trouble feeling and connecting because of mental trauma. If he is still a service member perhaps you could speak to a superior officer about his behavior and see if they can make counseling mandatory. I had a friend serving in the Army who almost destroyed his marriage due to PTSD and was ordered into therapy because his wife pushed the issue with his commanding officer. Saved his sanity and his marriage. Just a thought.
 
I recommend that you go for counseling without him. Pick up the phone and make that appointment now for your own sake.
 
How do I get my real husband back? His attitude toward me is like a complete 180. He was once loving, caring, and outgoing. We he was deployed I sent care packages and talked to him over Skype when all he really wanted was to be home. I have shown him kindness and care. He now calls me names that are degrading. He now doesn’t want my help and when I suggest he talk to someone, he says that he does not have the problem.

He is totally consumed by the other woman. She is 33, married with 2 children under the age of 5. How can he also destroy another marriage? She is 18 years younger than him. He alienated his affection from me to her.

I am so distraught and don’t know what I can do other than pray to God for his healing.

I want him to come home. 😦
 
FaithAbound, what is happening to your husband is not all that uncommon around his age and constitutes a classic midlife crisis. The best thing for you do to is to take this time to concentrate on yourself spiritually, mentally and physically. Your shock and surprise at what he is doing will make you think you can ‘convince’ him of how wrong he is and ‘win’ him back. You have to find a way out of that twister. It can only mess you around even further.

I’m so sorry that you are suffering the way you are. You need support and reassurance in this confusing time and I’d highly recommend a Catholic counsellor. Contact your parish office or the Cathedral near you and they can direct you to a Catholic org. for counselling. :gopray2:
 
He says he is not coming back to me. I wants to hurt me to push me away. I started to feel better because I didn’t look at his emails since Sunday until today. I received 5 emails within the last 2 days and I have not responded to any. However, I fear that if I don’t respond, he will be MAD. The emails are related to the one thing I always asked him before he left was why he was doing this? Well his recent emails indicate that he does not want to talk about the relationship until after we sign a separation agreement.

He is bullying me into making a decision. The only think that is preventing me on a SA is the house. I am not sure I want to or if I want to be financial responsible for the large mortgage. My lawyer told me to take my time to decide and she said she could write a letter to his attorney telling him to back off because I need time because this was only dropped on my lap less than 2 months ago.

I am trying to breathe and be calm about it all, but all of this pressure is getting to me. I feel like I not doing anything right. I do not want a divorce, but he wants it and is not willing to talk about the relationship at all. I am so hurt and asking for help.
 
FaithAbound said:
He says he is not coming back to me. I wants to hurt me to push me away. I started to feel better because I didn’t look at his emails since Sunday until today. I received 5 emails within the last 2 days and I have not responded to any. However, I fear that if I don’t respond, he will be MAD. The emails are related to the one thing I always asked him before he left was why he was doing this? Well his recent emails indicate that he does not want to talk about the relationship until after we sign a separation agreement.

He is bullying me into making a decision. The only think that is preventing me on a SA is the house. I am not sure I want to or if I want to be financial responsible for the large mortgage. My lawyer told me to take my time to decide and she said she could write a letter to his attorney telling him to back off because I need time because this was only dropped on my lap less than 2 months ago.

I am trying to breathe and be calm about it all, but all of this pressure is getting to me. I feel like I not doing anything right. I do not want a divorce, but he wants it and is not willing to talk about the relationship at all. I am so hurt and asking for help.
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Do not sign anything and continue to ignore him until he treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve. If he summons you with papers, then go and get legal advice.

Do not sign anything under duress or if you do sign, put your signature and beside it write, “Signed under duress”. This will help you legally.

I recommend you sign NOTHING until you feel emotionally stable. YOU are important here…YOU look after YOURSELF…YOU take control of this situation by looking after YOU.
 
MJJean said:
On a practical note, is he still in the military? What he is describing could very well be symptoms and side effects from his service. He may be having trouble feeling and connecting because of mental trauma. If he is still a service member perhaps you could speak to a superior officer about his behavior and see if they can make counseling mandatory. . . . due to PTSD and was ordered into therapy because his wife pushed the issue with his commanding officer. Saved his sanity and his marriage. Just a thought.
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MJJean has a great point. If I remember correctly, there was a newspaper article in early September, I think in The New York Times, that linked a medicine given to soldiers while deployed (to prevent malaria) to the “side effect” of suicide. The soldiers return in very bad shape from the war zone. Do try the superior (commanding?) officer. This is serious. The military should be well aware of it and may want to help others too. You are a Military Wife. That is difficult in itself. The military will help, but you have to ask.
Serap said:
Do not sign anything and continue to ignore him until he treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve. If he summons you with papers, then go and get legal advice.

Do not sign anything under duress or if you do sign, put your signature and beside it write, “Signed under duress”. This will help you legally.
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Serap is correct. You may try SUD – it is shorter!

You have my prayers.
 
All thank you. I have another post under the prayer section that I have keeping up.

I have be wrought with pain and the grief that is surrounding me. While each of you have been kind and there for me, I am alone. I am ashamed at where I find myself. I appreciate the words of comfort, but when I am alone at night, all I can experience is hurt and I cry every night and every day. I have heard that it will get better each day. I have been praying for understanding and removal of the pain. However, I have struggled with my faith and have doubted my life. I know I have not been the best friend, or daughter, or sister, nor colleague, nor wife. I thought I was at least a giving person, but maybe it was not unconditional giving. I have tried to do the right things in my life, but I have made mistakes. I have been selfish and this is my punishment for my lifelong sins. When I pray, I can’t hear God’s response. It is not there. I read my bible and really try to understand the words and meditate on them.

But I hear nothing. I feel nothing. So I ask myself, does God not want to answer or help? No one will understand why. You may see this a self-pity, but I am in deep despair. There is no escape from the pain or from what is in my head. I know that you tell me to be strong, but how can I be strong when I have no hope, no faith.

I never wanted to burden anyone with my issues because that seems the only time when I have reached out. That is my shame and I know it. I pray this time for understanding and love.
 
FaithAbound,

I feel for you. I have been where you are right now. Over three years ago my wife announced to me that she was no longer “in love” with me and was considering leaving. She then proceeded to betray my trust and her vows, then a year later moved out. Our divorce will be final next month… I know exactly how you feel, like God isn’t listening, like you are alone. You wonder if He loves you so much, how can He let this happen and allow you to feel the way you do. It hurts. And you just don’t understand why He won’t answer and make everything the way you want it to be.

I know those feelings of desolation. Of anger and pain and loneliness. That sense of darkness enveloping you and doom… That overwhelming sense of despair. I know it well.

And, I know it can be hard to believe that God is listening, that God is hearing your deepest prayers and is answering them in the best possible way. But He is. It may not be readily apparent, you may not see how He is working and How His plan makes such perfect sense for days, weeks, months, or years, and it may not even be fully understood by you in this life. But, He will surely show you signs, give you consolations along the way, and He will shape you into the person He made you to be, the person you truly want to be in and through this.

Like I said, I’ve been going through this for over 3 years now. And, while the days or moments of despair are less frequent and less intense than they were 2 or 3 years ago, they still come. But, I now know that God truly does understand.

The best advice I can offer you when you are considering your pain, your suffering, how abandoned you feel is this: Look to Jesus on the Cross, suffering, dying and asking His Father why he has abandoned him. Jesus is there with you suffering, your suffering takes you there to the cross with Him. The worst crime ever committed in the history of man, torturing and crucifying Jesus, turned out to be the greatest good ever done by God. He was able to turn that to the greatest good, He knew it was going to happen, He not only allowed it to happen to another, He allowed it to happen to Himself, and He used it.

He will do the same for you. He sees something in you, He is healing you, He is working through you, He doesn’t want to see you suffer, but He knows that just as sometimes painful surgery or chemotherapy is necessary to save a life, sometimes this sort of emotional and spiritual suffering is needed to save a soul. And, in this is where the greatest beauty of God’s ways rests. For, He isn’t just working to save you through your suffering. He wants you to use your suffering to save others, the same way He used His suffering on the cross to save others.

You have no idea whose life you will touch, but if you accept everything God allows to happen to you, with joy knowing that you are choosing to serve God and let Him live through you, you will touch lives. You will lead others to deeper faith. You might effect your husband or members of your family. It might be friends or co-workers that find God through your example. Or, it may be people you don’t know, but that see you and learn your story from those that do know your story.

I offer this only to give you hope, but more than once, in my times of suffering, at moments when I was really down, I’ve had a fellow parishioner or co-worker that I hardly know come up to me and say that they have been strengthened by seeing how I have patiently endured my situation. Or they have been inspired to work on their marriage or deepen their faith because of what they see me do, counter what the “normal” way our culture would teach to respond. The timing of those people approach me is simply amazing, they come out of nowhere at moments when I really need something to lift me up.

Trust in God, you will suffer, but you will be consoled as well. Jesus is the great physician. He knows exactly what we need and when we needed, just trust Him.

And thank Him for every grace, suffering, and opportunity He gives you! He is the light in that darkness you feel.
 
TryingtoLearn - Thank you so very sincerely for your insightful words. Bless you. I cannot express how MUCH I needed to hear those words. My aunt said something to me yesterday that sometimes God speaks to us through other people and maybe that person was you because this past weekend was especially difficult for me. It wasn’t special, it had no significance other than I felt this enormous pain and hurt because my H left without much of an explanation.

I am trying to get through it, but I was down to the point of despair to a loss of life.

Thank you…
 
Hello everyone. It has been a few days since may last post. Still depressed and trying to climb out of it. Work helps because it keeps me busy. How do I pray with faith? I am struggling with the idea that my Husband is happy with his affair, his abrupt and angry departure and blaming me for all of his unhappiness. I was not a perfect wife, but I was respectful and did all of my wifely duties.

I feel as though he is being allowed to prosper from his sins and how he treated me.
 
God’s not letting your husband get away with anything, there will be a reckoning. Meantime, take care of you and yours. I pray for you to have peace and healing. It will take time, but with faith and strength you’ll get there.
 
I am struggling with my faith…no other way to put it and feel that God is unhappy with me. With my situation, everyone kept telling me I needed to develop my relationship with God. I grew up with believing in God, but I haven’t been committed to praying in years.

So I have been praying, reading the bible and I repented to God for my sins… But all I get is hurt and depair still. I am so lost about my life. I feel God doesn’t think I am worthy or that my prayers have meaning. I don’t know what to do. I am alone and so very sad. Why would he want me to go through this pain after what I have been through?

Full disclosure - I was sexually abused by my mother’s husband, molested by mother’s father, my biological father and his family denied my existence, and my Husband has left me not once, but this is the third time. I cannot have children after having a miscarriage. I think about all of this and I am discouraged, and sometimes blame God.

What have I done to deserve where I am today? I have been absorbing the words of the Bible and praying in solitude. My faith is no more.
 
Dear FaithAbound, I feel so badly about your situation. It is totally unfair and undeserved, and you are right that your husband is on a path to destruction, even if he doesn’t realize it. You have received some good advice from the previous posters, especially from TyingToLearn. I have a suggestion that might help you as you wait to see counselors and the lawyer who you must see to protect yourself. I realize that you are a Methodist, but since you have come to a Catholic site, you must expect Catholic advice so here goes. It might help you to visit a Catholic church. Jesus Himself is there in the tabernacle. You can feel His presence when you walk in the door. Just sit down in a pew and talk to Him, or bring your Bible and read it since He speaks to us through the scriptures. When you see the crucifix you will be reminded of how He suffered for us as TryToLearn was saying. The peace of the quiet church and the presence of the Lord should be a comfort to you in this difficult time. Please also remember that you friends at CAF are also praying for you.
 
FaithAbound said:
I am struggling with my faith…no other way to put it and feel that God is unhappy with me. With my situation, everyone kept telling me I needed to develop my relationship with God. I grew up with believing in God, but I haven’t been committed to praying in years.

So I have been praying, reading the bible and I repented to God for my sins… But all I get is hurt and depair still. I am so lost about my life. I feel God doesn’t think I am worthy or that my prayers have meaning. I don’t know what to do. I am alone and so very sad. Why would he want me to go through this pain after what I have been through?

Full disclosure - I was sexually abused by my mother’s husband, molested by mother’s father, my biological father and his family denied my existence, and my Husband has left me not once, but this is the third time. I cannot have children after having a miscarriage. I think about all of this and I am discouraged, and sometimes blame God.

What have I done to deserve where I am today? I have been absorbing the words of the Bible and praying in solitude. My faith is no more.
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Faithabound, the pain in your words is tangible and I sincerely feel for you in this moment even though I’m far away. Angel of God who guards you, be by your side in these awful times.

This is a good time to reach out for help in your area. Try to find counselling by any means possible. Contact the religious organisations in your area (I notice you are Methodist) and ask to be pointed somewhere that can assist you in this trial.

In your prayers, take yourself to the most sorrowful moments in Jesus life especially the agony in Gethsemene and that harrowing time on the cross where He cried out to His Father ‘why have you abandoned me?’. Join your suffering with His as He asked us to do for His sake.

Todays (Sunday) first reading is really poignant as well since reading your post.

ewtn.com/vbible/search.asp?abbr=_2Mac&ch=7&bv1=1&ev1=2&bv2=9&ev2=14
 
Marysann said:
Dear FaithAbound, I feel so badly about your situation. It is totally unfair and undeserved, and you are right that your husband is on a path to destruction, even if he doesn’t realize it. You have received some good advice from the previous posters, especially from TyingToLearn. I have a suggestion that might help you as you wait to see counselors and the lawyer who you must see to protect yourself. I realize that you are a Methodist, but since you have come to a Catholic site, you must expect Catholic advice so here goes. It might help you to visit a Catholic church. Jesus Himself is there in the tabernacle. You can feel His presence when you walk in the door. Just sit down in a pew and talk to Him, or bring your Bible and read it since He speaks to us through the scriptures. When you see the crucifix you will be reminded of how He suffered for us as TryToLearn was saying. The peace of the quiet church and the presence of the Lord should be a comfort to you in this difficult time. Please also remember that you friends at CAF are also praying for you.
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Thank you. I very grateful and will pray to God to grant me the grace of peace. I know I have been focused on my circumstances and not solely on my relationship with God. It is hard to let go, but there is nothing on or of this earth that I can do to resolve my situation. So I must give it all to God.
 
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