Losing hope for brother

[Kanda]

For those of you familiar with what is going on with my brother, education, and family, here is an update.

I couldn’t really talk to him while I was visiting my family for Thanksgiving. My mom hovered around me like flies on doody, so I didn’t get any one on one time with any of my family members except for her. So, I don’t know where my brother stands. I did snag him for a few seconds in the garage when I was doing my laundry.

Me: Hey, D, how’s school going?
Him:
Me: You know, if you are having trouble here, you could come live with us.
Him: I really don’t want to get back into the public school system.
Me: You wouldn’t have to.
Him: I don’t think I could get into an independent study program where you live.
Me: Well, I could homeschool you. That’s different.
My mom decided to come keep me company at that point, so end of converstation.

I really don’t know if he wants help or not. His life ambition right now is to go live in Alaska and start a fishing guide business. I do think that whatever my brother wants, my mom is determined to ignore in favor of what she wants.

I am starting to lose hope for my brother’s future. I am at the point where when my mom brings up my brother and his school I just tell her that subject is off limits. She really doesn’t want my advice I now realize. The final straw for me was that when I was visiting she kept questioning my parenting decisions. (another topic, but she kept questioning why my 4yo can’t watch Family Guy) I think that my mom and I have different parenting styles, and/or different values for our children at this point and that it will just be harmful to our relationship to have that discussion.

I am just so disheartened and am afraid of doing my brother a great disservice by not doing anything at all.

 

[Truly_Beloved]

I’m not familiar with your situation (sorry if I ask some silly questions ), but how old is your brother? Can you talk/meet with him without your folks around?

I wish I was able to help my brother during a particularly rough patch in his life, but we were all still minors, so I wasn’t sure what I could do.

 

[kage_ar]

Can you tutor him (via phone or internet) or arrange for a tutor to assist where he is? You are concerned about his success - there would seem to be a way you can give him a hand in that success.

 

[kevinsgirl]

she kept questioning why my 4yo can’t watch Family Guy)

Good gosh…has she watched Family Guy? It can be funny, but 4 year old’s pick up more than we give them credit for…

 

[Kanda]

I’m not familiar with your situation (sorry if I ask some silly questions ), but how old is your brother? Can you talk/meet with him without your folks around?

I wish I was able to help my brother during a particularly rough patch in his life, but we were all still minors, so I wasn’t sure what I could do.

I don’t mind questions.

My brother is 16 and lives about 4 hours away from me. Unfortunatly, I can’t really talk to him much. When I am there, my mom is always around. Whenever someone calls their house, only my mom is allowed to answer the phone. She likes to know who is calling the house - she is the type who always has to be in control.

 

[Kanda]

Can you tutor him (via phone or internet) or arrange for a tutor to assist where he is? You are concerned about his success - there would seem to be a way you can give him a hand in that success.

I have made these suggestions to my mom, but I hit a brick wall every time.

 

[Kanda]

Good gosh…has she watched Family Guy? It can be funny, but 4 year old’s pick up more than we give them credit for…

Yeah. Well, one time I was visiting and my mom watched my son one night so I could go grab some coffee with my sister. When we got back, they were watching Family Guy. I said he wasn’t allowed to watch that, but apparently Xander had told my mom he could. He is a crafty little guy.

Ever since then, my mom questions my parenting decisions. While we were up for Thanksgiving, Xander was up past his bed time playing with Auntie. Two and a Half Men was on TV.

Mom: You let him watch this, but he can’t watch Family Guy?
Me: No, he usually is asleep when this is on.
Mom: But he is awake now.
Me: Yeah, but he isn’t watching it.
Mom: But kids pick things up and this is pretty suggestive too. Girls are running around in their nighties for petey’s sake!
Me: Sometimes. But Family Guy is very violent, sexual, and crude. Since it is animated, Xander is that much more interested in it. If it were on, he wouldn’t want to play, he’d want to watch. Right now, he is playing.
Mom: Well, …
Me: Geez mom! Well nothing. He’s my kid. I’ll say what he can and cannot watch. Besides, you’re the one who put this show on in the first place!

Yeah, so I shouldn’t have lost my temper, but that is what it is like talking to my mom sometimes. Circles.

 

[kage_ar]

I have made these suggestions to my mom, but I hit a brick wall every time.

How about finding cool educational games or books to send for Christmas, birthday, random gifts?

Another idea - find the local chapters of Junior Achievment and/or FBLA, these student groups will help him learn how to run his business

 

[Truly_Beloved]

I don’t mind questions.

My brother is 16 and lives about 4 hours away from me. Unfortunatly, I can’t really talk to him much. When I am there, my mom is always around. Whenever someone calls their house, only my mom is allowed to answer the phone. She likes to know who is calling the house - she is the type who always has to be in control.

Yikes! Prayers headed your way, Kanda. How awful. I would feel so trapped. Sorry I can’t give you any really useful help (aside from the prayers, of course).

Will you have another opportunity to talk with him during Christmas? That gives him a month to think about your offer to have him live with you. Will your local laws allow him to choose to live with you, so that he won’t be forced to go back to mom’s house?

 

[Lovemyfaith]

Me: Geez mom! Well nothing. He’s my kid. I’ll say what he can and cannot watch.

Maybe your mom feels the same way about her kid.

Does your brother seem unhappy? Are you more concerned with him socially or academically? 16 is still very young, and very much in need of being taken care of. If you have made the offer for him to be welcome at your house when he is ready to make that move, perhaps he will when he is ready.

Maybe try talking to him about the future, like if he is serious about starting a business it would make sense to at least have a 2 year college degree in business. You could offer to take him around to colleges where he could live on campus, which would allow him to takes steps toward his independece in smaller steps. Long range plans are sometimes easier to think about than a big step like leaving home at 16.

 

[Jodi]

Do not lose hope for your brother he is 16. In fact you should look for a deckhand job on a fishing vessel here in alaska. He will learn about hard work and decide school is not such a bad idea. Plus he will get out from under moms eye for a while.

 

[Kanda]

How about finding cool educational games or books to send for Christmas, birthday, random gifts?

Another idea - find the local chapters of Junior Achievment and/or FBLA, these student groups will help him learn how to run his business

Great advice. Thank you.

 

[Kanda]

Maybe your mom feels the same way about her kid. I think she does to a point. I am so involved because she kept asking me what she should do. So, I got caught up. However I have realized that my mom really just wanted someone to talk to, but she never really wanted my advice.
Does your brother seem unhappy? Are you more concerned with him socially or academically? 16 is still very young, and very much in need of being taken care of. If you have made the offer for him to be welcome at your house when he is ready to make that move, perhaps he will when he is ready. I am concerned about him both socially and academically. He was caught up with a really bad crowd. Now he never leaves the house. The only time he leaves is to go fishing or gold panning with Dad or our sister’s boyfriend. Academically, yes, I am very concerned for his future. I know that at 16 he still needs to be taken care of and I think part of the problem is that my parents see him like an adult, not a kid that needs to be taken care of. Since they have been treating him like an adult, I have to be careful in how I address him. He expects to be seen that way by everyone now.
Maybe try talking to him about the future, like if he is serious about starting a business it would make sense to at least have a 2 year college degree in business. You could offer to take him around to colleges where he could live on campus, which would allow him to takes steps toward his independece in smaller steps. Long range plans are sometimes easier to think about than a big step like leaving home at 16. I think this is a very good idea. Maybe I can get my brother to open up by asking him not how school is going, but by asking him about his specific plans for the future. My mom discourages any talk of him having his own business in Alaska because that is so far from her, but he gets really animated about it. I think you are right. By helping him plan his long term goals, he will be forced to focus on what he is doing right now as well.