Losing my faith?

[ladysherlockian]

I was watching the infamous “Wolf Hall” the other way and I started wondering whether I would do as More did and I came into conclusion that I would rather deny my beliefs than risk being killed for it. I believe that I would deny my faith if I was in some life-threatening situation, I know it is a serious sin, but I can still suppose that it would be the way I would behave. Do not say that I am too harsh on myself, since I was considering this issue and came to the conclusions that it would happen so on the basis on my character I have shown in my life so far. I am very cowardly and also terribly shy, even saying what my favourite writer is constitutes a huge torment for me since I am afraid of being laughed at. I also tend to mingle with the crowd and prefer not to reveal opinions which are contrary to what the majority thinks. As far as primary school, when the teacher asked for an opinion what the students thought about some subject, I would always look which option my best friend chose and selected the same one. Now I am almost thirty and I am still the same, I have only one friend, a pen pal, she is not a Catholic and I do not discuss religious subjects with her, sometimes when she is very critical of Catholic beliefs I do not defend them very strongly as I am afraid of offending her and losing my only friend. I am usually meek and avoid confrontation, also as I have mentioned, I cannot defend my beliefs. There was also a situation in the university which I cannot forgive myself to this day, the lecturer asked who is against pornography (we were discussing censorship) and I did not say I was against it because no other student raised his/her hand to say that he/she is against and I did not wanted to be the only one who did it, and to be asked by the lecturer why I believed so, because the only thing I knew then was that the Church was against it and I did not want to look as someone who does not think on their own. Now I consider this moment as a little denial of faith. As I have mentioned, recently I was considering the question whether I could die for my faith and the answer I found was that I could not. I know it would never happen, and that I did not do anything wrong, but I feel as if I had done it and already betrayed God, I feel as if all my religious practices, prayers, attending Mass, reading the Bible etc. are fraudulent on my part since I do not really believe, so all religious things I do are only a pretence or a theatrical performance. I do not know whether I am crazy or what, I have never felt this way in my life, I cannot find joy or happiness anymore since I know I am untrue to God. I feel as if I was depressed becuse I do not enjoy things I loved doing hitherto. Maybe I should go to confession but I do not think it would change by judgement about myself. Or maybe I should visit a psychologist? What do you think?

 

[Della]

I think you are being way too hard on yourself. In order to defend the faith you have to know the faith–the hows and whys, the ins and outs of it. You’ve been practicing without understanding, so it’s no wonder you can’t stand up at crucial moments. You can’t give to others what you don’t have, can you? That’s only common sense.

Don’t beat yourself up over past mistakes or project into the future what you think you might do. Instead, go to confession, tell the priest what you’ve said here, do your penance, get up and move on. Learn your faith, and learn how to share it, in simplicity and truth. Read the Catechism. Pray–use a good devotion such as the rosary. Or to start yourself off in line with the daily prayer of the Church–pray Morning and Evening Prayer: divineoffice.org/.

God doesn’t want us to wallow in past mistakes/sins. He wants us to be absolved and move on. If we don’t move on we can’t make any progress in our spiritual lives. We’ll be stuck in a rut. So, just do it–will youself to go to confession and go. You’ll come out of confession knowing you have a fresh start. Then follow up by learning your faith and making it a part of your daily life. I will remember you in prayer today.

 

[phil19034]

Then follow up by learning your faith and making it a part of your daily life. I will remember you in prayer today.

to the OP:

A great way to learn the Faith is start watching the Symbolon Series.

EWTN is going to start showing it TONIGHT at 11PM US Eastern time.

The first 10 episodes, which are all about learning the Faith will be played on Mondays at 11PM US Eastern time.

If you are outside the US, check out your local EWTN schedule.

ewtn.com/series/shows/symbolon/episodes.asp?sat=DOME&sc=SYMBOLON:%20THE%20CATHOLIC%20FAITH%20EXPLAINED

God Bless.

 

[pianistclare]

What Della said.
Plus, the only way to learn is to study. If you want to be more comfortable with speaking knowledgably on the faith, study the Catechism. You can read it online. Or get a copy. I wouldn’t try to read it straight through, but start with those topics that you are most curious about,. Read everything, The footnotes, the cross references to Scripture, etc.
join a Bible study group at your parish. Most people just listen, few speak out, so you won’t feel out of place. Everyone there is also learning and keen to be familiar with the Scriptures. There, you will also meet people like yourself. You’ll make a few new friends.
Volunteer at your parish. Anything will do. Whether cleaning crew once a week to vacuum the church, or money counter, or usher. Do something that puts you in front of other Catholics and smile!
Best wishes.
Be at peace, but make an effort to study. It will bring you great peace as you draw closer to God.

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.

 

[St_Francis]

Welcome to CAF, Lady Sherlockian

First, no one would do what St Thomas More did unless they received the grace from God to do it and chose to cooperate with that grace.

The thing is, God will not send that grace unless you are in that position.

It is good that you have realized this about yourself, because now you can begin to work on it. Just from what you have said, you need to learn about your Faith so you can “give a reason for the faith which is within you.” And you need to strengthen your will, so that what you decide is the right thing to do is what you will do. And finally, you need to learn to put it into action and stand up for your beliefs and opinions.

 

[OurLadysServant]

Random question!
Lets say a certain soul embraces a life of celibacy, and one day thinks to himself “If I was Adam, and God called me to break my living of celibacy to populate the earth, I would say no to God.”

Has this soul in this situation I have mentioned sinned in his thoughts?

Welcome to CAF, Lady Sherlockian

First, no one would do what St Thomas More did unless they received the grace from God to do it and chose to cooperate with that grace.

The thing is, God will not send that grace unless you are in that position.

It is good that you have realized this about yourself, because now you can begin to work on it. Just from what you have said, you need to learn about your Faith so you can “give a reason for the faith which is within you.” And you need to strengthen your will, so that what you decide is the right thing to do is what you will do. And finally, you need to learn to put it into action and stand up for your beliefs and opinions.

 

[St_Francis]

Random question!
Lets say a certain soul embraces a life of celibacy, and one day thinks to himself “If I was Adam, and God called me to break my living of celibacy to populate the earth, I would say no to God.”

Has this soul in this situation I have mentioned sinned in his thoughts?

Are you asking me? Is this related to the original topic?

The best thing to do with random auestions is to ask them in their own threads. They get more responses that way

 

[fred_conty]

I was watching the infamous “Wolf Hall” the other way and I started wondering whether I would do as More did and I came into conclusion that I would rather deny my beliefs than risk being killed for it. I believe that I would deny my faith if I was in some life-threatening situation, I know it is a serious sin, but I can still suppose that it would be the way I would behave. Do not say that I am too harsh on myself, since I was considering this issue and came to the conclusions that it would happen so on the basis on my character I have shown in my life so far. I am very cowardly and also terribly shy, even saying what my favourite writer is constitutes a huge torment for me since I am afraid of being laughed at. I also tend to mingle with the crowd and prefer not to reveal opinions which are contrary to what the majority thinks. As far as primary school, when the teacher asked for an opinion what the students thought about some subject, I would always look which option my best friend chose and selected the same one. Now I am almost thirty and I am still the same, I have only one friend, a pen pal, she is not a Catholic and I do not discuss religious subjects with her, sometimes when she is very critical of Catholic beliefs I do not defend them very strongly as I am afraid of offending her and losing my only friend. I am usually meek and avoid confrontation, also as I have mentioned, I cannot defend my beliefs. There was also a situation in the university which I cannot forgive myself to this day, the lecturer asked who is against pornography (we were discussing censorship) and I did not say I was against it because no other student raised his/her hand to say that he/she is against and I did not wanted to be the only one who did it, and to be asked by the lecturer why I believed so, because the only thing I knew then was that the Church was against it and I did not want to look as someone who does not think on their own. Now I consider this moment as a little denial of faith. As I have mentioned, recently I was considering the question whether I could die for my faith and the answer I found was that I could not. I know it would never happen, and that I did not do anything wrong, but I feel as if I had done it and already betrayed God, I feel as if all my religious practices, prayers, attending Mass, reading the Bible etc. are fraudulent on my part since I do not really believe, so all religious things I do are only a pretence or a theatrical performance. I do not know whether I am crazy or what, I have never felt this way in my life, I cannot find joy or happiness anymore since I know I am untrue to God. I feel as if I was depressed becuse I do not enjoy things I loved doing hitherto. Maybe I should go to confession but I do not think it would change by judgement about myself. Or maybe I should visit a psychologist? What do you think?

Get a geen scapular, have it blessed, and carry it with you.
Then every day, pray “O Immaculate Heart of Mary pray for us now and at the hour of our death.”

In 1840, Mary instructed Sister Bisqueyburu, in Paris, who was a Daughter of Charity of St. Vincent de Paul, to help people having difficulty in their faith or lack of it. She wanted the sister to promote to those people a scapular of her’s, the color of it was green, and it had her picture on it of her immaculate heart. It was a token from her of her love for them and that she would pray for them if they wore it, or carried it on them in her name. And the greater the trust the person had in her to obtain great graces for them, the more those graces would come.

And here are some of the benefits of it:

… Conversion of those who do not have the faith
… Reconciliation to the Church for those who have lost/strayed from the faith
… Assurance of a happy death
… Strengthening of the faith for those already in the Church
… Protection from Satan for those who wear or promote the scapular

Just trust her and she won’t let you down.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.

 

[ladysherlockian]

Thanks for the replies, in fact I purposefully did not look at them for a week, since I wanted the emotions to cool off a bit. At the beginning I felt terribly, as if I lost my soul and there was only an empty space where it used to be, now it is much better and I came to terms with it, so perhaps the “cooling off” week was a good idea.

The sin of not protesting against pornography during the lecture has been long confessed and forgiven, I only cited it as an example of behaviour pattern typical for me. I do not think I should go to confession, since it happened a long time ago, unless of course the thought or rather conviction that I could not die for my faith is itself sinful? but I do not think confessing it can change anything, because my attitude and character would be still the same, that is, cowardly.

It is good that you have realized this about yourself, because now you can begin to work on it. Just from what you have said, you need to learn about your Faith so you can “give a reason for the faith which is within you.” And you need to strengthen your will, so that what you decide is the right thing to do is what you will do. And finally, you need to learn to put it into action and stand up for your beliefs and opinions.

How to do it?

I believe the problem with me is mainly lack of courage and not of knowledge, now I know more about the faith but I guess I would probably behave in the same way to avoid bringing attention to myself. This is all due to my terrible shyness which I was supposed to grow out of but it actually never happened. I believe I would be capable of denying my faith also to avoid minor inconveniences such as being laughed at, losing one’s job (e.g. by agreeing to work on Sundays if the boss demands it). I guess maybe I am not fully convinced to my faith? which would lead to the conclusion that I do not really believe, mentioned in my first post. Anyway, what a belief is that when the believer would not make any sacrifices for it? What is more, I live in Poland, a country with Catholic majority, where being Catholic is nothing exceptional, rather it is the norm and sometimes more of a social custom than real belief. I do not think I would remain Catholic in another country where it would be a religion of minority, I would like to be like everyone else, fit in. So perhaps it can be concluded that I do not really believe. Is there something I can do about it on my own? I would rather hear some practical advice (do this or that) than general one. Thanks

 

[Della]

Thanks for the replies, in fact I purposefully did not look at them for a week, since I wanted the emotions to cool off a bit. At the beginning I felt terribly, as if I lost my soul and there was only an empty space where it used to be, now it is much better and I came to terms with it, so perhaps the “cooling off” week was a good idea.

The sin of not protesting against pornography during the lecture has been long confessed and forgiven, I only cited it as an example of behaviour pattern typical for me. I do not think I should go to confession, since it happened a long time ago, unless of course the thought or rather conviction that I could not die for my faith is itself sinful? but I do not think confessing it can change anything, because my attitude and character would be still the same, that is, cowardly.

Each of us is who we are and cannot become someone else. You may be shy because you are an introvert–someone who is not comfortable around a lot of people and needs time to yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that–it’s just who and what you are.

Each of us have certain gifts, as well. While we are to be prepared to give an account of the “joy that lies within us” not everyone is called to be an apologist. That takes specific training and one should be callled to it. If you hear something in class or elsewhere that goes against the faith and you want to say something. Try to talk to the one who said it alone, with charity. Pray before hand so that it will be the Holy Spirit speaking through you and not just you trying to say something. Jesus promised that the Holy Spirit would give us the words to say–and sometimes that word can be very simple. You need not quote the whole Catechism/Bible. You can just say, “I can’t agree with what you said…” and explain why. If they don’t accept your words, said in charity, then it’s their problem and no longer yours. But pray, pray, pray. That’s the key.

How to do it?

I believe the problem with me is mainly lack of courage and not of knowledge, now I know more about the faith but I guess I would probably behave in the same way to avoid bringing attention to myself. This is all due to my terrible shyness which I was supposed to grow out of but it actually never happened. I believe I would be capable of denying my faith also to avoid minor inconveniences such as being laughed at, losing one’s job (e.g. by agreeing to work on Sundays if the boss demands it). I guess maybe I am not fully convinced to my faith? which would lead to the conclusion that I do not really believe, mentioned in my first post. Anyway, what a belief is that when the believer would not make any sacrifices for it? What is more, I live in Poland, a country with Catholic majority, where being Catholic is nothing exceptional, rather it is the norm and sometimes more of a social custom than real belief. I do not think I would remain Catholic in another country where it would be a religion of minority, I would like to be like everyone else, fit in. So perhaps it can be concluded that I do not really believe. Is there something I can do about it on my own? I would rather hear some practical advice (do this or that) than general one. Thanks

Develop a regular prayer life. If you don’t already, you might want to pray the daily liturgical prayer of the Church, the Divine Office–just Morning and Evening Prayer is enough for lay people. I don’t know what resources are available in Polish, but the Office is online in English: Divine Office. It’s easy and only takes about 15 minutes to do per office. If you pray it consistently, it will feed your soul. Also, read the Bible. The Mass readings are also online. I like this website because it has some very good supplimental material and resources: Daily Gospel.

All the best to you. Don’t worry about this. Give it to God and know that he can use any of us to do his work–but he doesn’t expect all of us to do the same jobs. St. Paul made that clear. Some of us are hands to help others and some of us are mouths to speak, but both do God’s work as he wants us to do it. Talk to your priest about this outside of confession–make an appointment with him. He’ll help you through this difficulty.

 

[Bookcat]

The thing is, God will not send that grace unless you are in that position.

Which is as I recall may have been something that St. Thomas More himself noted…

Thus one ought not imagine oneself into such fictional situation…

Grace is given at that time. Not before

“Jesus I believe, increase my faith!”

Let us hold fast to Jesus - to our Faith - in hope and love. Via a life of prayer, study, and the sacraments. Repenting in confession of our sins and holding fast to him - in whom is true life.

 

[ladysherlockian]

Which is as I recall may have been something that St. Thomas More himself noted…

Thus one ought not imagine oneself into such fictional situation…

Grace is given at that time. Not before

“Jesus I believe, increase my faith!”

Let us hold fast to Jesus - to our Faith - in hope and love. Via a life of prayer, study, and the sacraments. Repenting in confession of our sins and holding fast to him - in whom is true life.

I guess you are right, I wonder if these thought could have been a bit ocd? I am not diagnosed with ocd but I have read a lot about it and the symptoms fit me perfectly. I suffer from many unwanted thoughts so these doubts might have been of this kind. After watching the “Wolf Hall” series I was simply wondering why I was so terribly moved every time More’s execution was shown on film (I had the same problem with “The Tudors” so it is a recurring thing); I could not find any rational explanation and finally came up with the one described in the first post - perhaps mistakenly.