Losing My Family

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FloydMichael

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Hello. My name is Mike and I am in desperate of spiritual guidance as I have lost my family. My wife has put up with my indifference and less than equal marital partnership for almost 11 years. It has now reached the point to where she no longer has feelings for me and has asked me to leave. I cannot blame her and the last few days have caused me to be introsepctive and realize that I have been selfish and all consumed with getting ahead at the expense of not enjoying the journey. Now I will lose my wife and daughter, Kate. Kate is 16 years old and a wonderful girl that her mother adopted at birth. I am going to miss out on seeing her blossom as an adult, her last 2 years of high school, college, her wedding and then grandchildren. I have never been so sorrowful or regretful as I am now. It is all because of my intolerance and lack of patience. I have never been in a darker place in my life. This has been a life changing event and I want to be able to earn my wife’s love back, but she does not have a place in her heart for me. I am so distraught that I brought this on myself when she warned me over and over. I need God and help more than ever. Is there anyone who can offer me guidance as to how I may be able to regain my wife’s love? I suggested Marriage Encounter to her, but she has not given me her response. Mike
 
*I’m so sorry to hear this, Mike.

I don’t have any advice, really, Mike, except two things…would she consider a separation, and not a divorce just yet? My dh and I were separated many years ago, and it helped us a lot. We have been back together since then, going strong–and all because we surrendered our pride and differences and just learned to give our selves and marriage over to the Lord. (which sounds like you are doing, now)

And second–I will keep you in my prayers…when things get to the point Mike where humanly, we have done all we can do…God is just waiting for us to hand everything over to Him. Leave it in His hands, and pray about this. I hope things work out for the best, and your wife allows you a second chance.*
 
WhateverGirl:

Thank you for your post and suggestion. I have been praying almost every waking moment and cannot get beyond all of the hurt I have caused her to get her to this point. She is such a good and kind person and I squashed her spirit. I want to grow old with her and we planned on taking care of each other in our goldne years. Now my actions have caused completely devasted her and my chances are nil.
 
*I know this must be so very hard. 😦 But, with humans, things can look rather bleak…but with God, there’s always hope…Lean on His understanding and not your own.

Have you been to Confession? If so, you know God forgives you, and hopefully your wife will too. Even if you are not together at some point–pray that you will be able to forgive yourself. It’s still so raw, I know, but if you have asked God for forgiveness, and truly seek repentance…then, it’s just a matter of time before you let go of your own guilt. I pray that your wife forgives you, and that you will soon forgive yourself, also.

I’m so sorry this is happening. But, stay close to Christ. “Pray without ceasing.” And, lean on God’s understanding, not your own. God bless…*
 
FloydMichael:

Eleven years of disconnect and aloofness? Warnings coming from your wife over and over? Now you’re living in the past with regret and the future with sorrow?

Live in the here and now. Pull yourself together and don’t be attached to the outcome of whatever you choose to do to improve your lot.

I was married to a man who treated me as you say you have treated your wife. When I filed for divorce he suddenly turned on the foxhole religion.

Sometimes it’s too little, too late. If your chances are nil, as you claim, then get on with the business of living. Today is a beginning, not an end. You behaved the way you did for a reason. “I’m sorry” does not explain it, nor does it qualify you for forgiveness. You need to know why you were neglectful and correct it before you enter into any other similar type of relationship.

marietta
 
don’t be attached to the outcome of whatever you choose to do to improve your lot.
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this is absolutely excellent advice. anything else can be construed as manipulation. you should be willing to become a more loving person whether it revives your marriage or not. you should be willing to change because it’s pleasing to God-- make that your primary motivation.
 
Having never been in this situation I have not much advice to offer.

Losing her might be the cross you have to bear. Every Christian has at least one. Some, like Mother Teresa, are called to carry heavy burderns likea providing for the poorest among us. I’m sure there were days she wondered how she could go on, but God always took care of her.

If you wife does indeed not come back, accept it, learn from it, and go about living the best way you can following God’s plan for you.

And if the she does come back, give thanks, and do the same thing-learn from it, and follow the plan. God’s path is always easy to follow, because it encompasses doing the* right thing all the time.*
 
leonie said:
I sincerely doubt that all the fault is at your door. I’m sure that your wife also has contributed to the problems in your marriage.
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You’re right, you are absolutely RIGHT. She probably coddled him and cared for him. Met him at the door with a kiss and loved him regardless. She probably made excuses for him each and every time she went somewhere without him – including mass. He was very most likely not there. For the majority of time.

She still fixed his dinner. She still told him she loved him. She still had relations with him at any time, especially when he gave her a scrap of attention. I can guess that when his daughter said “will you play catch with me daddy?” he said “not right now,” and his wife went out and did it in his place – while balancing dinner. He probably never once asked his daughter to play with him. But I am just guessing, because I am there…but I am still just guessing.

You are right, she has a lot of “fault” in this marriage, only by giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, excusing, loving, living life despite him, giving, loving and living some more and she finally had ENOUGH – and wants someone who will give her a tiny, minute, amount of affection or appreciation BACK.

I know, trust me I KNOW, I could be his wife RIGHT NOW.

FACT: it may be WAY TOO FAR GONE for her to even WANT to go to counseling. Today.

So MIKE, my advice to you is to help out around the house WITHOUT BEING ASKED. Be kind. Pull out chairs. Open doors. Tell her she’s beautiful. DONT ask her what she wants from you - just GUESS. GUESS at the type of life you have always had and would suspect she might like herself. Don’t ask what she is going to do next – in fact don’t ask her at all to assure you of your previously-known comfy life. For once in your married life try to make her comfortable, spoiled, happy, well-treated, and loved. FEEL THREATENED – because you ARE. Don’t ask, do everything you can to make it up to her.

It’s her turn.

IT’S HER TURN.

Praying is always good, but if you are sitting in a closet praying the woman you have taken for granted for so long will stay with you – kiss her behind goodbye now. SHE’S HAD ENOUGH. You treat something with neglect for so long all the prayer in the world won’t make right what you have ruined through neglect.

NOW FIX THIS, WITH KINDNESS. THAT’S ALL. JUST KINDNESS AND CONSIDERATION. If you can’t do that – let her go…for a bit, and take a big fat lesson in how to treat your wife.
 
KCtheMommy said:
NOW FIX THIS, WITH KINDNESS. THAT’S ALL. JUST KINDNESS AND CONSIDERATION. If you can’t do that – let her go…for a bit, and take a big fat lesson in how to treat your wife.
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wow amazing post and i bet it helped alot of people as well as the OP

in other words…
thank you
 
Sounds like several people on this thread need to be reminded of Retrouvaille. It is a program to help heal troubled marriages. It is the only thing I know of that works when a marriage is this bad.

You know how I know it works? I divorced my husband. Took my son and left. He never abused me, never cheated on me, but he was never there for me either. We just weren’t in the same place. So like most of society, I figured a divorce was the only way out. Hubby DID clean up his act, when he saw what he was losing. As far as I was concerned, it WAS too little too late. But he just kept begging me to go to this Retrouvaille thing. I figured if nothing else, it might help up get along better for our son’s sake, so we weren’t constantly fighting in front of him. I had NO intentions of getting back together with him at all. None. In fact, I was starting to think about dating again.

But I went. And it changed my life. Hubby and I got remarried (this time in the Church), and we have been happily married (this time) for over 5 years and 2 more kids. Of course, along with this, both of us (actually probably because of the pain of the divorce) had renewed our faith in God, and I know that has also helped our marriage. But Retrouvaille was the key. The weekend was the start, then the follow-up sessions and monthly meetings thereafter kept us on track. It kept us focused on our marriage and how important is it, and that we need to actively work on our relationship all the time. It literally saved our family.

www.retrouvaille.org
 
I triple the Retrovaille advice, but ONLY if OP is willing to pick up his mat and carry it, just like KCtheMOmmy described.

KC, your was one of the best things I ever read-- except that you’re living it. Today I begin prayers for you.
 
KC and others:

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. It is very difficult to recognize (realize) that I have not been a good husband to this loving person. I do love her and I cannot justify why I treated her so poorly. I clearly made a number of wrong decisions in my behavior and lack of showing true love and partnership.

I do agree that this may well be a “foxhole” religious conversion, but it is a conversion nonetheless. I want to and will be a better person. I just pray that it is not too late for us. I would love nothing more than to have the opportunity to right my wrongs and treat her the way she has treated me and deserves to be treated. Mike
 
monicatholic said:
I triple the Retrovaille advice, but ONLY if OP is willing to pick up his mat and carry it, just like KCtheMOmmy described.

KC, your was one of the best things I ever read-- except that you’re living it. Today I begin prayers for you.
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Thank you – I need them, especially prayers to help soften my heart because I fear I am turning stone-cold. I came on this morning (only for a moment, have to get everyone out the door to school shortly) to ask the moderators to remove this because I felt guilty for revealing too much about my life. I can’t believe the response though – so if it does help other people, I say: “let it stay.”

So yeah – prayers – mucho appreciated. 😊
 
KCtheMommy said:
But I am just guessing, because I am there…but I am still just guessing.

You are right, she has a lot of “fault” in this marriage, only by giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, excusing, loving, living life despite him, giving, loving and living some more and she finally had ENOUGH – and wants someone who will give her a tiny, minute, amount of affection or appreciation BACK.

I know, trust me I KNOW, I could be his wife RIGHT NOW.
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Wow. Me, too…me, too. 😦

I call him a married bachelor.

I tell you, it is a hard thing…raising children in such a marriage. I’ve had my husband tell me that sometimes he feels like he’s just a paycheck to me…and, in reality, that’s just about what he’s turned himself into around here. He’s been out of town (which rarely happens) since Monday and at supper on Saturday night, my 3 yo asked what time daddy was coming home tonight…he had been gone almost a week and she didn’t even realize it or ask about him. That tells you how often she goes days without seeing him. 😦 I have to call him and remind him to call his children, so they will hear the phone and think he has remembered them on his own. I do my best to cover for him, but the kids are getting older and realizing more…

And, about mass…picture it, largely pregnant woman trying to hold onto a 1 year old, patting 4 year old, and trying to comfort 2 year old who is quietly crying for her daddy…:crying: …who is hunting with his friends.

As for OP’s wife giving him a second chance…HA!..second chance?..I’m sure she’s already given him thousands of chances…maybe she’ll give him another chance (women like us tend to do that), but it won’t be his second.

Why does it take this to make a selfish man give it up? I mean, when you’re clearly “warned” again and again…

When she said that you were hurting her, disappointing her, neglecting her…and your child…WHAT DID YOU THINK? Seriously. I really want to know. What went through your mind every time she said those thing to you? Was it that it didn’t matter as long as you could live life the way it made you happy? Was it because you were so sure she would always just take it? Did you think she was just too demanding? What?

Sad thing is, my thoughts say that you only want to get back together because it’s the life YOU WANT, not because it’s what is best for your wife, or what SHE WANTS…so, even now, it’s still all about you. You want her to love you more, when, in reality, it is you who never loved her enough. You want to regain your wife, when she never really had you to begin with. You want to grow old with your wife, and take care of each other in your golden years, when all you’ve done is made her learn to take care of HERSELF.

So, you’re out of the house, so the advise to help out around the house isn’t going to work for you, is it? Can’t really pull out chairs, give kisses and hold open doors when you’re not even allowed in the door, can ya? I guess I’d recommend you call her regularly, if she’s open to that, and apologize often…letting her know that you are committed to doing right by her and your daughter…drop little notes in the mail. Ask her out on a date (to do something that SHE would like). Ask your daughter out on a “date”. Show them how much you value them. Be patient, tender, committed, gently persistant…Offer them your TIME. Listen to what they say and make it matter.

Of course, it’s all up to them…you can’t force them.

I don’t know if you can thaw a heart that’s turned cold. She’ll have to choke back a lot of pain to give you back the life you want.
 
*I’m so sorry dani may, and KC…and anyone else hurting today.😦

I want to add something to this. I was the person in my marriage, who was selfish, unkind and downright inattentive, many moons ago. About 5 or 6 years into the marriage, I wanted to do my own thing–I loved my husband, and kids–but because I hadn’t healed from wounds from a childhood (maybe not an excuse, but it was what was hurting me at the time) I found it hard to fully give myself to my husband. I had no idea what true marriage meant, and so, I muffled through…one day being attentive, the next day feeling resentful…the next day…attentive, and so on. I wasn’t very affectionate, and I remember my husband wondering what was wrong ‘with him?’ I was always an attentive mom, and nurturing there, but was not always a good wife.

I was actually pretty horrible. After a few months of moving to PA, after living in Florida for a time, I wanted out (so I thought) of my marriage…I felt trapped…I didn’t want ‘someone telling me what to do,’ bla bla. I was very much a brat, in the true sense of the word…or another ‘b’ word that comes to mind. His family told my husband after a year of separating…that he should leave me. I am so grateful he didn’t. It took our separation for me to get my head together…seek counseling to heal childhood wounds…grieve over my parents’ deaths…and come back to the Church…fully. Not a mass here and there, but fully. Confession, repentance…the whole thing. It took a full change of life for me, to be a better wife.

So, I wanted to speak up, because often times, women are seen as the ones tolerating selfish husbands…but in my marriage–I was the selfish one. My husband tells me now, when we look back at those days…that he knew the woman he married was ‘in there somewhere,’ but that life and past hurts had buried her.😦 Isn’t that sweet? I am so thankful to God for giving me someone who knew me better than I did.

All I can say, OP…is you know your wife. If she is really not willing to forgive you at this point, then as marietta says…you must live life as best as you can right now. You can’t dwell on the things you messed up, but pray that you learned and move forward.

But, if there is even a needlehead’s chance of making things right with her…do what you can to do it. It took my husband a little while to forgive the pain I had caused him. Now, after about 7 years of being ‘merged’ back together, it’s almost (almost lol) like it didn’t happen. But, you both can get there–if you are both honest and open with each other–AND YOU DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE BETTER.

I had to apologize A LOT. My husband apologized too, because he felt like he had pushed me away–he wanted a wife who cooked, cleaned, bla bla…I’m not going to transform into June Cleaver…it just was never me. He also learned to accept me for me, and here we are today.

There is hope, but be prepared to change. Not for a day, not for a month…this change will take an ACT OF GOD, and for your free will to join with His. This is what it took in my own marriage.

I just wanted to add this, because I’ve been through a separation, and pain in marriage–but I was more of the causer, like you, albeit in a different way than you, I’m sure.

May God warm your wife’s heart, and bring you together again–may God shower His graces upon you, so your marriage has a chance of survival.*
 
KCtheMommy said:
You’re right, you are absolutely RIGHT. She probably coddled him and cared for him. Met him at the door with a kiss and loved him regardless. She probably made excuses for him each and every time she went somewhere without him – including mass. He was very most likely not there. For the majority of time.

She still fixed his dinner. She still told him she loved him. She still had relations with him at any time, especially when he gave her a scrap of attention. I can guess that when his daughter said “will you play catch with me daddy?” he said “not right now,” and his wife went out and did it in his place – while balancing dinner. He probably never once asked his daughter to play with him. But I am just guessing, because I am there…but I am still just guessing.

You are right, she has a lot of “fault” in this marriage, only by giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, excusing, loving, living life despite him, giving, loving and living some more and she finally had ENOUGH – and wants someone who will give her a tiny, minute, amount of affection or appreciation BACK.

I know, trust me I KNOW, I could be his wife RIGHT NOW.

FACT: it may be WAY TOO FAR GONE for her to even WANT to go to counseling. Today.

So MIKE, my advice to you is to help out around the house WITHOUT BEING ASKED. Be kind. Pull out chairs. Open doors. Tell her she’s beautiful. DONT ask her what she wants from you - just GUESS. GUESS at the type of life you have always had and would suspect she might like herself. Don’t ask what she is going to do next – in fact don’t ask her at all to assure you of your previously-known comfy life. For once in your married life try to make her comfortable, spoiled, happy, well-treated, and loved. FEEL THREATENED – because you ARE. Don’t ask, do everything you can to make it up to her.

It’s her turn.

IT’S HER TURN.

Praying is always good, but if you are sitting in a closet praying the woman you have taken for granted for so long will stay with you – kiss her behind goodbye now. SHE’S HAD ENOUGH. You treat something with neglect for so long all the prayer in the world won’t make right what you have ruined through neglect.

NOW FIX THIS, WITH KINDNESS. THAT’S ALL. JUST KINDNESS AND CONSIDERATION. If you can’t do that – let her go…for a bit, and take a big fat lesson in how to treat your wife.
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KC, this was a tough thing to type, I bet, but I felt it to the core of my being. I was that wife too. Blessings to you for the courage to speak and to share…sometimes, we all need a little tough love. It’s not always a two way street when it comes to who is at fault. God Bless the OP as well.
 
I don’t want to get into a debate :nope:, but what I meant when I said that the wife shares some of the burden is that husband and wives get into a dynamic that sets up bad habits. If one person changes and not the other, it’s really hard to break those bad habits.

For example, my sister is a very honest, simple and gentle person. However, in her three major relationships, she has chosen dishonest, domineering men who walk all over her. When she’s go the gumption to end one relationship, she just picks the same type of guy all over. In fact, I think that if her husband suddenly stopped dominating her, she wouldn’t know how to handle it.

See? Even though her louse of a husband is a jerk, a liar, and emotionally abusive, she bears some fault because she allows it. In fact, I think she likes not having to make decisions. If you looked at the situation, you would say, “what an absolute jerk. How can he walk all over such a sweet, gentle soul?”

But, not only does she put up with it, she feeds into it.

I know my sister is a pretty extreme example.

In my own marriage, my husband and I have some bad habits, too. My sweet husband often does a passive/aggressive thing with me. He says he’ll take care of something that I need done, then he just ignores it. I get so frustrated, but…

I can see that I play into this pattern in several ways: I ask him to do things that I know he doesn’t want to do. I’d rather complain about him not doing it than have to get out of my comfort zone and take care of it myself. I let myself build anger until I explode–then he takes care of it.

bad, bad pattern. A casual observer might say, “what a jerk. He just lied to her. He’s so irresponsible–why can’t he take care of business?”

But, they don’t see my part in it. A lot of times, I don’t see my part in it.

Even if Mike is mostly at fault through his indifference, his wife also has to look at her heart and see what how she’s contributed to the dynamics.

I’m certainly not speaking to KC’s or Mike’s situation because I don’t know the details, but just generalizing from my own experience as a wife and observer of others’ marriages.

God bless.
 
Leonie, you are absolutely right, for we the people who take the neglect and nonsense do so willingly. When we tolerate it once, twice, twenty, then two thousand times – we say it’s OK. As for MY DH he just takes my coddling and one-up’s it. Like a child, pushing the boundary to where I’ll say enough. BUT the key part of that sentence is I have coddled him, and in that it is MY FAULT. I completely and freely admit this.

Forgive me if I can’t bend my mind around the idea that someone is even capable of being cruel, non-attentive, selfish, and lazy when their partner is kind, giving, attentive, friendly, takes care of all the children including one that isn’t even hers, maintains the house, pays the bills, finds money when we’re short, does all the volunteering for the school, takes four kids on vacation by herself because frankly it’s easier to just go it alone and smile and have fun rather than deal with a cranky self-absorbed jerk. I have such a hard time understanding this. Typically I just give more, add more patience, more kindness, more love. Not this time though – uh uh, no way, stick a fork in me and call me DONE.

Danimay, I know we touched on this in PM at times, but I had no idea how identical the roles are. My heart goes out to you. It really does – sorry girl. My prayers are with you. When you said that bit about covering up for the kids I cried. I wanted to tell you a quick story: Dh knows I am at my end, that we are about to have a major change around here (read: I am a hair away from throwing him out) so he was a little bit more helpful and nice this weekend. At one point Eden runs up to me and says in a hushed, excited voice “Daddy actually asked ME to play with him! For the FIRST TIME EVER! Isn’t that awesome mom?” :crying: A little bit of me died right then – what have I done? At the same time, like I said, sometimes it is just easier to do stuff alone with the kids because then we can have a good time. If he’s along he’s a huge stick in the mud.

Mike, I hope you answer Danimay’s questions – the ones about what was going through your head when your wife warned you, begged you, or even exploded on you – yet you continued to hurt her. If only that we can understand in our own lives. If only.

WhateverGirl, thanks for sharing your side. Keep on loving that man girl, keep on loving.

I am bummed so many women feel this way. Here I thought I was the only one whom Dr. Laura’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husband’s philosophy backfired on! I really thought it would work to get him to be more attentive and helpful – it only made things WORSE!!! :cool: Seriously, if I give him an inch he takes a mile. It is without a doubt RIDICULOUS around here.

And yes, I am a moron for taking it.
 
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