Losing My Family

[monicatholic]

whatevergirl, i’d posted this elsewhere a while back. please know you’re not the only woman with bad-wife filed in her history. the OP should know that MIRACLES HAPPEN, but (just as I’d written before) the guy who’s cured has got to pick up his mat and walk.

i love that story because Jesus’ instruction to the guy was to get responsible for his stuff. my miracle of re-version came with the same exact pricetag. so here goes: (i edited and boldfaced some stuff for this posting)

i don’t know if this description will address your questions. i’m just going to tell it and let you extrapolate whatever you will:

our history is pretty weird. i married a man whom i never dated. nor courted. he was my friend. i married a good guy. i treated him badly for three years.

the psychological aspect of my abuse in a nutshell:

1. i thought there was something messed up in him in that he wanted to be with me. (i eventually nearly convinced him of this, too. smart cookie, i was.)
2. his good guy stuff sometimes made me ill-- i thought it was weakness.
3. i was rancorously jealous of him. he was honest, steady, reliable, forthcoming. i was none of those things.
4. when he would react badly, i would use it as a weapon-- see? you’re not so together, after all.
5. i was taking revenge on a few guys i’d known, my father headed the list. turns out my husband was nothing like my father, but i was.

he got to a point, though, where he was done with my verbal/ emotional abuse. he didn’t leave our marriage, he only pulled waaay back from me. my opinions, or rants, or temperments, or whines were no longer powerful to him. i found myself ignored.

God drew me into a reversion.

God drew him into a conversion.

we met somewhere about 12 years ago, both Catholic, still married to each other. whoda guessed it.

we then, together, struggled with obedience issues (read total commitment to openness to life) we both finally submitted to Jesus through obedience to the Church.

i began to understand total self-giving had to start outside of the bedroom. funny, he seemed to be changing, too.

These past 8 or 9 years, we’ve been as happy as any married people i ever knew.

guys at my husband’s job ask him, “how do you stay married for 20 years?”

he responds, “easy. don’t get divorced.”

but when they push him further about the happiness of his marriage, he tells them, “obey God. sorry. i know that’s not the answer you wanted. but that’s the only answer for us.”

from this i learned **my personal motto: let’s change. i’ll go first. **

caveat: this is not meant to give permission to any woman who is afraid for her safety or the safety of her kids. my husband is 6 foot 5. he wasn’t afraid of me. had the tables been turned, it would have been acceptable (responsible even) for me to have taken the kids and got safe. this is also not an invitation for fellows to ignore their emotional wives. my husband’s choice to distance himself from me wasn’t punitive. it was emotional survival.

 

[whatevergirl]

KC…your post brought tears to my eyes. I will keep you, and danimay, and everyone else who is having similiar situations, in my prayers.

 

[duskyjewel]

The OP reminds me of something that used to happen when I was a kid. My brother or I would pick up a toy and start playing, and the other would get all mad and say, “I was gonna play with that!” My mom would always point out that the only reason we wanted that toy right then was because we couldn’t have it! I don’t have a long list of wise things my mom said, but this is one of her best. It was SO TRUE. It was basically jealousy.

After 11 years, your wife finally had enough of you ignoring her needs and requests. So she gave up on you. You only want her now because you can’t have her. You like the chase, but don’t really care about her or her needs. You proved that for 11 years.

If I were your wife, I wouldn’t give you any more chances either. Some things cannot be fixed. She has probably been so lonely and so hurt for so long that she has decided it’s less painful to just give up and stop expecting anything. Alone is better than ignored.

I think you better get used to the idea that your marriage is over, and focus on working out custody and financial issues with the least damage possible to your children.

 

[mommymichelle]

After 11 years, your wife finally had enough of you ignoring her needs and requests. So she gave up on you. You only want her now because you can’t have her. You like the chase, but don’t really care about her or her needs. You proved that for 11 years.

.

Very insightful.

 

[SarahR]

Eleven years of consistently negligent, unloving behavior…and a couple of days of regretful introspection.

Why should your wife believe you until you have demonstrated a consistent pattern of behavior over a period of time.

Your wife’s feelings should be respected and maybe she needs time. You hurt her for 11 years and the 16 year old daughter saw what she should expect from a man.

Please work on yourself—let God work on you. Don’t give up on rebuilding your marriage but don’t focus on “what you’ve lost”…that’s still selfishness. What do you have to lose by laying it all down before God and letting him rebuild you?

 

[FloydMichael]

To everyone who has responded so far I want to thank you for your insightful comments.

I in no way meant to diminish my role in this situation. I have brought it upon myself and accept the responsibility for being so hurtful and damaging. I cannot undo the wrongs I have done. I am committed to being a better person, a person of God and a person capable of loving someone as they should be loved. I regret that it came to this point and that I harmed my family in this way. I regret being blind to my wife’s many warnings and not doing then what I recognize I should have been doing as a part of a loving partnership and family. If I could go back and take away the many hurtful actions I would not hesitate to do so. I want so badly to make it up to my family and show them that I can be a good Christian person.

 

[SarahR]

God wants to give each of us the graces necessary for our conversions. Praying for the best outcome for you.

 

[marietta]

Mike, I hope you answer Danimay’s questions – the ones about what was going through your head when your wife warned you, begged you, or even exploded on you – yet you continued to hurt her. If only that we can understand in our own lives. If only.

There are people on this thread who have been waiting decades for the answers to the questions put before you.

Please respond - it’s part of our healing, and part of yours, too.

marietta

 

[whatevergirl]

To everyone who has responded so far I want to thank you for your insightful comments.

I in no way meant to diminish my role in this situation. I have brought it upon myself and accept the responsibility for being so hurtful and damaging. I cannot undo the wrongs I have done. I am committed to being a better person, a person of God and a person capable of loving someone as they should be loved. I regret that it came to this point and that I harmed my family in this way. I regret being blind to my wife’s many warnings and not doing then what I recognize I should have been doing as a part of a loving partnership and family. If I could go back and take away the many hurtful actions I would not hesitate to do so. I want so badly to make it up to my family and show them that I can be a good Christian person.

All you can do is your best right now…ask for forgiveness, give her time…give her space, and keep praying like never before. And like others say, only long lasting change will cause her to believe you. It took a while for my husband to trust that I wouldn’t ask to be separated again–so if she is willing to begin anew, just know it will take her time to greet this with an open mind…because you have hurt her so much. If she wants to seek a divorce, then keep trying to be what Christ would have you to be. Some of the greatest saints have betrayed our Lord…have hurt others…but what caused them to become saintly, is there tenacity to change themselves…to align their free will with God’s. To mirror Christ, and to turn from their old ‘wicked’ ways, and turn to Him.

So…don’t let your guilt ruin the rest of your life. While healthy guilt can serve a good purpose, it’s not healthy to continue to wallow in it…so, right now…try to see if she’ll be open to working on the marriage…and live your life, by first–serving God, then serving her. Only in that order, will your marriage work. I think somewhere along the way (like I did) you forgot to put God first, and when we faily to do that, we often don’t put others first, either. So, make God your center, and everything else will fall into place–if your marriage is meant for a ‘second’ chance, God will bring it to you both.

Please hang in there–God loves you…You’re in my prayers.

 

[Ruthie]

You have lost her trust, and perhaps her respect. Both of these things take a long, long time to rebuild. Sometimes it just won’t happen. There’s an old saying your wife may be repeating to yourself: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

You may have lost her for good. If so, and you seriously want to be a good Christian man, then be there for your kids, never badmouth your wife to them. give them the love and emotional support you never gave your wife. Even if she marries again.

Did you look into Retrouvaille?

Ruthie

 

[funnyyetsavvy]

I know a man who is doing this right now…spending hours alone on his ‘hobbies’ while his family sits in another room pining for him…and whenever they try to talk to him about it, THEY are the ones made to feel badly because ‘they knew he had these hobbies and he’s not going to change’.

Wonder how long it will be before they vanish entirely and he never notices…

 

[adelore]

You’re right, you are absolutely RIGHT. She probably coddled him and cared for him. Met him at the door with a kiss and loved him regardless. She probably made excuses for him each and every time she went somewhere without him – including mass. He was very most likely not there. For the majority of time.

She still fixed his dinner. She still told him she loved him. She still had relations with him at any time, especially when he gave her a scrap of attention. I can guess that when his daughter said “will you play catch with me daddy?” he said “not right now,” and his wife went out and did it in his place – while balancing dinner. He probably never once asked his daughter to play with him. But I am just guessing, because I am there…but I am still just guessing.

You are right, she has a lot of “fault” in this marriage, only by giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, excusing, loving, living life despite him, giving, loving and living some more and she finally had ENOUGH – and wants someone who will give her a tiny, minute, amount of affection or appreciation BACK.

I know, trust me I KNOW, I could be his wife RIGHT NOW.

FACT: it may be WAY TOO FAR GONE for her to even WANT to go to counseling. Today.

So MIKE, my advice to you is to help out around the house WITHOUT BEING ASKED. Be kind. Pull out chairs. Open doors. Tell her she’s beautiful. DONT ask her what she wants from you - just GUESS. GUESS at the type of life you have always had and would suspect she might like herself. Don’t ask what she is going to do next – in fact don’t ask her at all to assure you of your previously-known comfy life. For once in your married life try to make her comfortable, spoiled, happy, well-treated, and loved. FEEL THREATENED – because you ARE. Don’t ask, do everything you can to make it up to her.

It’s her turn.

IT’S HER TURN.

Praying is always good, but if you are sitting in a closet praying the woman you have taken for granted for so long will stay with you – kiss her behind goodbye now. SHE’S HAD ENOUGH. You treat something with neglect for so long all the prayer in the world won’t make right what you have ruined through neglect.

NOW FIX THIS, WITH KINDNESS. THAT’S ALL. JUST KINDNESS AND CONSIDERATION. If you can’t do that – let her go…for a bit, and take a big fat lesson in how to treat your wife.

Without a doubt this reply is hitting the nail right on the head. A woman in a marriage doesn’t want to feel “alone”. We also don’t want to feel like we are just the “cook, maid, and servent”. A woman likes to be shown a little “love” here and there. A smple kiss and a hug, go a long way.

Treat her like she is Truely Part of you.

I will keep you in my prayers, as I too know how your wife feels.

 

[GFarmer]

Without a doubt this reply is hitting the nail right on the head. A woman in a marriage doesn’t want to feel “alone”. We also don’t want to feel like we are just the “cook, maid, and servent”. A woman likes to be shown a little “love” here and there. A smple kiss and a hug, go a long way.

Treat her like she is Truely Part of you.

From a guys perspective, its quite easy to get caught up in the stress of work & career. Its also easy to prioritize your own needs over the needs of your family & wife.

I think it started to sink in when I was told “I am not just a doormat around here!”

We both have challenging careers, she is a farmer & I am in finance.

I don’t travel a lot but every once in a while get to go on some junket that combines business with pleasure. She always stayed home with the kids, even though the farm is a full time job its 7 days a week not 5 so there is time during the day to run errands, take care of the kids needs and do some of the housework.

After a few exchanges (maybe more then a few) I realized that status quo was not going to keep going!

I made the following changes:

1. Got home on time every night unless its planned ahead (less happy hours - share a bottle of wine with supper instead or a beer on the deck)
2. Started helping with the cleaning (I used to just cook)
3. Lost & kept off 70 pounds

4.Prioritized our love life & took responsibility to make it better! (Part of this is just keeping the same sleeping schedule & getting the work done so we can go to bed together)

5 Encouraged her to get involved in outside organizations and classes and made sure she had the time to go & took care of her household & farm chores while she was gone. (She is gone about 3 days every 6 weeks now & was on a 2 week study trip to Africa in the last year)

Since she has found out her possibilities & we have spent time with each other (a fair amount of that time is working but is time none the less) our relationship has blossomed. We seldom walk by each other without a hug, a kiss or a touch.

Its a lot more fun being married this way then being at each others throats.

 

[whatevergirl]

Hi Farmer --I am happy that things seem to have improved in your marriage…that’s great!

I’m curious…you mentioned losing weight as one of the things you changed…I found that so intriguing…how did that help, may I ask, with your own situation, as it relates to improving your marriage?

 

[eucharisteo]

Hello. My name is Mike and I am in desperate of spiritual guidance as I have lost my family. My wife has put up with my indifference and less than equal marital partnership for almost 11 years. It has now reached the point to where she no longer has feelings for me and has asked me to leave. I cannot blame her and the last few days have caused me to be introsepctive and realize that I have been selfish and all consumed with getting ahead at the expense of not enjoying the journey. Now I will lose my wife and daughter, Kate. Kate is 16 years old and a wonderful girl that her mother adopted at birth. I am going to miss out on seeing her blossom as an adult, her last 2 years of high school, college, her wedding and then grandchildren. I have never been so sorrowful or regretful as I am now. It is all because of my intolerance and lack of patience. I have never been in a darker place in my life. This has been a life changing event and I want to be able to earn my wife’s love back, but she does not have a place in her heart for me. I am so distraught that I brought this on myself when she warned me over and over. I need God and help more than ever. Is there anyone who can offer me guidance as to how I may be able to regain my wife’s love? I suggested Marriage Encounter to her, but she has not given me her response. Mike

retrouvaille.org/
Read this and beg her to go with you.

www.e5men.org live by it. This is what you should have been doing all along.
Prayers for you.

 

[GFarmer]

Hi Farmer I’m curious…you mentioned losing weight as one of the things you changed…I found that so intriguing…how did that help, may I ask, with your own situation, as it relates to improving your marriage?

Self awareness, taking care of myself for my spouse & energy to do the things needed to make the marriage better.