Losing my religion

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bumby

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I tend to drift to this wonderful forum in much the same way I address the Lord. I’m desperate. I have begun to miss Mass and begun to forget to pray and have even doubted the existence of God, fleetingly. My husband is yet again refusing to have a sexual relationship with me. It really hurts. I turned 27 on Thursday and can count the number of times I’ve been intimate with my husband in the last two years on one hand. He is only 26!

I asked him again tonight after asking for a kiss. He kissed me back as if I was somebody he really wanted to get away from - it was horrible.

I need to ask, according to the Church, is it sinful for him to withhold himself from me, being sexually intimate and affectionate, in this way? It made me think, am I sinful too? I am overweight after having our son a YEAR ago. I have a hormonal imbalance but if I cared more about my health I would be more determined to get fit again. I just wondered what I need to do to rectify the situation.

And yet while I ask this I honestly feel as though I am destined to feel this sick, pitiful feeling in my stomach when, yet again, he has told me he isn’t interested. And when I think of all the other things he would rather do than be intimate with me. He is my best friend. I love him and we have a lot of fun together. I just can’t do this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I wouldn’t have married if I’d have known.
 
Sexual relations is a requirement of marriage, and spouses don’t have the right to refuse each other unless it’s for a serious reason such as illness or exhaustion.

Do you know what is behind his refusals? Does he view porn? Do you think he has a very low sex drive?
 
He must have a very low sex drive. I can’t think of anything else. When I had postnatal depression, I didn’t want sex at all. It didn’t cross my mind for a long time. It actually brought some relief that aside from the feelings of hopelessness, emptiness and despair that a mental illness can bring, at least I didn’t feel the familiar stab of regret most nights when it transpired he’d rather play FIFA than be with his wife.

I hope it isn’t porn - I haven’t seen any.
 
bumby said:
. I have a hormonal imbalance but if I cared more about my health I would be more determined to get fit again. I just wondered what I need to do to rectify the situation.

And yet while I ask this I honestly feel as though I am destined to feel this sick, pitiful feeling in my stomach when, yet again, he has told me he isn’t interested. And when I think of all the other things he would rather do than be intimate with me. He is my best friend. I love him and we have a lot of fun together. I just can’t do this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I wouldn’t have married if I’d have known.
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Oh, dear. This is not about your weight. If he says it is, then, so seriously he needs to get some counseling. You guys need some professional help here to sort out what’s going on. If he won’t go, you go. You have to start protecting your own mental and emotional balance for the sake of your child.
 
hannajomar said:
Sexual relations is a requirement of marriage, **and spouses don’t have the right to refuse each other **unless it’s for a serious reason such as illness or exhaustion.

Do you know what is behind his refusals? Does he view porn? Do you think he has a very low sex drive?
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You’re not married, aren’t you?
 
There’s no way you’re going to be able to come to a solution unless you find out what the problem is. Sit down and have an earnest heart to heart (without be accusing) and really listen to what he has to say.
Often men lose interest in sex after a child is born- that could be one issue.
Is he afraid of having another one so soon- isn’t that a possibility? (churchiosity)

Whatever it is, it does no good to go to anyone else for help until you know what the problem is.
 
bumby said:
I tend to drift to this wonderful forum in much the same way I address the Lord. I’m desperate. I have begun to miss Mass and begun to forget to pray and have even doubted the existence of God, fleetingly. My husband is yet again refusing to have a sexual relationship with me. It really hurts. I turned 27 on Thursday and can count the number of times I’ve been intimate with my husband in the last two years on one hand. He is only 26!

I asked him again tonight after asking for a kiss. He kissed me back as if I was somebody he really wanted to get away from - it was horrible.

I need to ask, according to the Church, is it sinful for him to withhold himself from me, being sexually intimate and affectionate, in this way? It made me think, am I sinful too? I am overweight after having our son a YEAR ago. I have a hormonal imbalance but if I cared more about my health I would be more determined to get fit again. I just wondered what I need to do to rectify the situation.

And yet while I ask this I honestly feel as though I am destined to feel this sick, pitiful feeling in my stomach when, yet again, he has told me he isn’t interested. And when I think of all the other things he would rather do than be intimate with me. He is my best friend. I love him and we have a lot of fun together. I just can’t do this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I wouldn’t have married if I’d have known.
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Are there any indications that he may have same-sex attraction?
 
As a feint suggest group marriage counseling to your spouse in a quest for his lack of enthusiasm. Perhaps then, out of the blue and without thinking through some PC b.s. response he’ll come right out and tell you truthfully the reason for his lack of interest.

I say feint because I don’t believe counseling will be ever helpful in this case. You want the facts rather than feel good about this unsatisfying situation you find yourself in.

bumby from your post I don’t see this as a religious issue.
 
I see it as a faith issue because my faith is affected.

I doubt he is gay - he isn’t macho or effeminate - he is a normal bloke. But then I wouldn’t know if he was gay until he told me.

Every time I ask he says it’s his job being stressful but I don’t buy it.
 
bumby said:
I tend to drift to this wonderful forum in much the same way I address the Lord. I’m desperate. I have begun to miss Mass and begun to forget to pray and have even doubted the existence of God, fleetingly. My husband is yet again refusing to have a sexual relationship with me. It really hurts. I turned 27 on Thursday and can count the number of times I’ve been intimate with my husband in the last two years on one hand. He is only 26!

I asked him again tonight after asking for a kiss. He kissed me back as if I was somebody he really wanted to get away from - it was horrible.

I need to ask, according to the Church, is it sinful for him to withhold himself from me, being sexually intimate and affectionate, in this way? It made me think, am I sinful too? I am overweight after having our son a YEAR ago. I have a hormonal imbalance but if I cared more about my health I would be more determined to get fit again. I just wondered what I need to do to rectify the situation.

And yet while I ask this I honestly feel as though I am destined to feel this sick, pitiful feeling in my stomach when, yet again, he has told me he isn’t interested. And when I think of all the other things he would rather do than be intimate with me. He is my best friend. I love him and we have a lot of fun together. I just can’t do this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I wouldn’t have married if I’d have known.
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Please don’t let the circumstances of your marriage interfere with your faith. If your drifting for other reasons, or unknown reasons, fine (it can be dealt with). But don’t let another person’s behavior get in the way of your relationship with the Lord.

There can be many reasons why one spouse doesn’t desire sexual intimacy with the other. I’m not sure what’s going on in your marriage, or what is going on with your husband.

Have you considered couple’s counseling? Is he Catholice? are you? If you both are a priest may be willing to meet with you. I’m not sure if there is faith specific couple’s counseling or not, but if your both Christian’s this might be something worth looking into. Or you, yourself, seeking therapy (religion based or otherwise) to help you cope with the stress your experiencing, regardless of whether or not your husband recognizes there is a problem. And sometimes one spouse entering counseling can be a step towards both entering at some point in the future.

Do you know if he has what would be considered a ‘healthy’ sexual appetite for a man his age? There are cases of men, even younger than your husband, who have extremely LOW testosterone and go on TRT (testosterone replacement therapy). This is a medical issue.

And testosterone makes a huge difference. In the past I used testosterone as an adjunct to body building. Now I know this was illegal, I was not invested in my faith at the time. And I was taking significantly more than would be prescribed for TRT. But the effects on my sex drive were extremely significant. It was like filling my body with the test of 10 18 year old kids. TRT will bring a man’s test level’s to that closer to an 18 yo, if that happens to be his issue. If not, I still think you should seek help in one or more ways for yourself. And if your communication with your husband is not good this is a huge problem (I went through this with my wife, we are working on it at present and it’s very helpful).

Seek help in one or more forms, and don’t let earthly troubles interfere with your relationship wiht God. He is there for you, wanting to help you. Answers don’t always/maybe even mostly come to us as we would like and in ‘our time’ but the process of seeking help through prayer, etc is important in and of itself, and benefitial in and of itself.

God Bless,
Bill
 
bumby said:
I tend to drift to this wonderful forum in much the same way I address the Lord. I’m desperate. I have begun to miss Mass and begun to forget to pray and have even doubted the existence of God, fleetingly. My husband is yet again refusing to have a sexual relationship with me. It really hurts. I turned 27 on Thursday and can count the number of times I’ve been intimate with my husband in the last two years on one hand. He is only 26!

I asked him again tonight after asking for a kiss. He kissed me back as if I was somebody he really wanted to get away from - it was horrible.

I need to ask, according to the Church, is it sinful for him to withhold himself from me, being sexually intimate and affectionate, in this way? It made me think, am I sinful too? I am overweight after having our son a YEAR ago. I have a hormonal imbalance but if I cared more about my health I would be more determined to get fit again. I just wondered what I need to do to rectify the situation.

And yet while I ask this I honestly feel as though I am destined to feel this sick, pitiful feeling in my stomach when, yet again, he has told me he isn’t interested. And when I think of all the other things he would rather do than be intimate with me. He is my best friend. I love him and we have a lot of fun together. I just can’t do this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I wouldn’t have married if I’d have known.
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Has he had a thorough physical exam? Would he go for counseling, knowing that this is a problem for you? Does he consider it a problem for him? Does he masturbate instead of having sex with you? Or does he not have any drive at all? This is not normal.

I think you might get something from this book.

But your husband needs to acknowledge that this really is a problem between the two of you, and be willing to try and find a solution.
 
bumby said:
I see it as a faith issue because my faith is affected.

I doubt he is gay - he isn’t macho or effeminate - he is a normal bloke. But then I wouldn’t know if he was gay until he told me.

Every time I ask he says it’s his job being stressful but I don’t buy it.
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If a man hates his job, this can definitely do it. He is worn out at the beginning of the day just thinking about the drudgery is about to experience. By the end of the day there is nothing left.
Nobody can give what they don’t have.

A friend of mine was a marriage counsuler and had a similar case. A married woman came to him and was about to divorce her husband because he was so down all the time. The counsuler came to find out that the man hated his job but was trying to hang on to it just a couple of more years so he could retire from it. Long story short, he quit, found a new job he liked, wife happy, marriage good, with happy ending.

Just a thought.
 
Doesn’t make sense to link one’s faith with how your husband’s doing.

He’s got some kind of problem going on. Find a long space of time and take a long walk with him. Or sit down on the couch and drink a bottle of wine together one full evening; perhaps he’ll spit out the full story.

Maybe he’s feeling tied down. Maybe he’s got a girlfriend. Maybe he feels guilty about an affair. Maybe he’s into porn. Maybe he’s gay. Maybe he’s bisexual. Maybe he’s simply very confused about where he is at this particular point in time.

But don’t be demanding reasons from him. This would clam up anybody. You gotta let it ease out, so budget time and a setting for this.

Getting confrontational would only make this all worse quickly.
 
Thank you all for your advice. It’s very kind of you to reply.

He doesn’t have a medical problem, he was tested a few years back and it is fine. Honestly, in my heart of hearts I don’t believe there is anything untoward going on. Aside from the sex we have a happy marriage. I just know that slowly I will end up resenting him the longer it goes on. I’ve only been married a few years.

My job is stressful too. I am still nursing both my kids. I get little sleep because they are up at night. So, if I am still interested and am female, I honestly do not understand why he can’t be, even if work is stressful. We both work full-time.

When I ask about counselling he doesn’t believe our problem is serious enough to warrant treatment. But I don’t want to find myself six years from now bitterly and quietly hating him because he has decided to forego this element of marriage.

Is there anything a counsellor will do if I go for marriage therapy - or sexual therapy - alone? Do they describe coping strategies?
 
bumby said:
Thank you all for your advice. It’s very kind of you to reply.

He doesn’t have a medical problem, he was tested a few years back and it is fine. Honestly, in my heart of hearts I don’t believe there is anything untoward going on. Aside from the sex we have a happy marriage. I just know that slowly I will end up resenting him the longer it goes on. I’ve only been married a few years.

My job is stressful too. I am still nursing both my kids. I get little sleep because they are up at night. So, if I am still interested and am female, I honestly do not understand why he can’t be, even if work is stressful. We both work full-time.

When I ask about counselling he doesn’t believe our problem is serious enough to warrant treatment. But I don’t want to find myself six years from now bitterly and quietly hating him because he has decided to forego this element of marriage.

Is there anything a counsellor will do if I go for marriage therapy - or sexual therapy - alone? Do they describe coping strategies?
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Well, I don’t imagine the sexual therapy would help you that much, because in that regard, you are trying to deal with having no sex or very very little sex.

But as for counseling, yes, that will help you, if only to have someone to talk to about your frustrations, sadness, anger, etc. He/she will also suggest strategies to understand yourself and your life, and your choices. I highly recommend that you go to Catholic Charities because you won’t have a conflict with your counselor recommending divorce, etc. or contraception. You can get spiritual direction through CC too, I believe.

It would be good if you could explain to your husband that this IS a big issue. Even if it isn’t for him, it IS for you, and you are one flesh so it’s his problem as well.
 
I know there is a counselling organisation called Marriage Care that counsels for Catholic marriage. I will tell him I’m going. I feel so depressed today. Doesn’t help that we have missed Mass again. I must make the effort - I know Jesus wants me to talk to him and make him the focus of my life.

I feel like an idiot for trying to persuade him to be intimate. Today, his parents had the kids while we tidied our garage - did awesome job and afterwards we cuddled on the settee, watched a film then had a short nap. Without the children there and us both rested, I was sure something would happen. I even suggested it and he actually rolled his eyes. It hurt so much.

I don’t like feeling this unhappy but I know there is no way to stop it. I married him and had children with him so that’s it. Makes me sad because I love him and he is great company and a great father who works hard. I don’t even want anybody else or even to have sex with anybody else - there could never be any substitute. Just feel like a total mess today, emotionally.
 
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