Losing my spirituality

[mjdavies]

How can one stay focused on their faith when one is surrounded by people who pretend to be friendly toward you, who are shallow, confrontational and materialistic. In the past anytime I encountered people like this I would quietly back off producing no ill feelings. I am not a confrontational person - never was because there is no need to be - even though I’ve got my own faults, don’t get me wrong. Now I am married and have gotten to know ‘friends’ through my husband whom he has known for years (some are really nice - some are shallow, confrontational and materialistic). To top it off, my husband is also confrontational (not shallow or materialistic, just confrontational) - he never ceases to ‘one-up’ others when they are challenging him or criticizing him - he seems to sometimes initiate the situation that gives fuel to the fire. They’re all basically friendly with each other, but there is an underlying phoniness to their friendship. I’ve tried to explain my feelings to my husband with little luck. He thinks my non-confrontational nature is me being “chicken”. While it’s true that I have always had a hard time defending myself, I have always tried to keep myself out of situations that would cause me the need to defend myself and so anytime these people want to challenge me, they just give up because they realize that I am a ‘tomb’. They seem to be taking it as a sign of weakness. It has been a point of contention between my husband and me that everytime we throw a party, he invites these people and now the problem is I am feeling compelled to join in on this confrontational behavior - because there is only so much a person can take. This is why I feel like I’m losing focus on my faith - my mind seems to be so consumed with anger over this situation, which I can’t seem to escape. I feel like I am trying to hang on to my faith by a slender thread and I need some spiritual words of encouragment, consolation or even a reprimand if necessary - something. The party we are throwing is on June 21, 2008 and I am dreading it.

 

[beckycmarie]

Dear mjdavies,

That underlying phoniness you are perceiving in those friendships is pride. Pride is what makes us want others to think we are better than them, and it rears its ugly head in just the ways you described. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

You shouldn’t try to fight pride with more pride. It sounds like you have a little spark of humility, but nothing will put out that flame like a big bucket of pride. Don’t fight their ways using their tactics.

Instead of fighting with words, set an example for them by imitating Jesus - by being a living witness of the virtue of humility. When he was persecuted the worst, he responded with silence and love. In our humility we are far stronger than the brash ones of the world.

When I first read this litany of humility, it really rubbed me the wrong way. I thought how awful, to be esteemed so little by others. I came to understand though, that it doesn’t matter what other people think; they will not be there when I come before God for judgment. This litany rubbed me the wrong way because of my pride. But when I prayed the litany sincerely, I came to know the peace, joy, and freedom that humility can bring. I still have very far - extremely far- to go in that endeavor, but the first step is recognizing the need and the value of humility. The second step is working sincerely to put it into practice.

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved…
From the desire of being extolled …
From the desire of being honored …
From the desire of being praised …
From the desire of being preferred to others…
From the desire of being consulted …
From the desire of being approved …
From the fear of being humiliated …
From the fear of being despised…
From the fear of suffering rebukes …
From the fear of being calumniated …
From the fear of being forgotten …
From the fear of being ridiculed …
From the fear of being wronged …
From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I …
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease …
That others may be chosen and I set aside …
That others may be praised and I unnoticed …
That others may be preferred to me in everything…
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

 

[InLight247]

… now the problem is I am feeling compelled to join in on this confrontational behavior - because there is only so much a person can take. This is why I feel like I’m losing focus on my faith - my mind seems to be so consumed with anger over this situation, which I can’t seem to escape. I feel like I am trying to hang on to my faith by a slender thread and I need some spiritual words of encouragment, consolation or even a reprimand if necessary - something. The party we are throwing is on June 21, 2008 and I am dreading it.

I am not clear about the confrontational behavior you are talking about. Are you saying your husband’s friends like to provoke each other on purpose? I cannot imagine people enjoy going to a party just for irritating each other.

But no matter what, you just cannot allow your faith to be affected by others’ inappropriate behaviors. Why would you lose your focus on faith due to someone else’s nonsense? Your faith is the relationship between you and God. Why would this precious relationship be negatively affected by anyone else?

You could pray for those people, asking God to shine lights upon them, asking God to convict them and help them behave. Prayers always make difference. Instead of wavering, you should focus more on your faith.

If his friends bother you so much, if they are so offensive, you need to have a good communication with your husband. They need to be told to behave better for the sake of respecting you.

 

[mjdavies]

“Why would you lose your focus on faith due to someone else’s nonsense? Your faith is the relationship between you and God. Why would this precious relationship be negatively affected by anyone else?”

You are so right about this and I will work on not wavering - my faith is that important to me that in time of trouble and loss I felt the best place to reach out for help was this forum - deep down the last thing I want to do is give in to them - I just felt so overwhelmed. I guess it’s not worth trying to expand on the behavior of these people, just believe me when I tell you they are very immature and my husband, though I love him, gives in to them. I will try prayer - praying for friends and loved ones always seems a lot easier than praying for people who taunt you, but I am aware that this is true Christ-like behavior and I will work harder on it. I will also try to talk to my husband again.

 

[mjdavies]

Thank you BeckyMarie for the lovely litany. I read it in its entirety here at my desk at work and my heart already feels more at peace. I will print it out and keep it with me wherever I go.

 

[MarieVeronica]

Hi MJ I understand how it feels. What you describe, is more common than we may realize. How sad. But I think the key to this… is how WE react.

Maybe this will help you. Whenever you feel hurt, betrayed, scandalized, repulsed… and so forth… try offering a short little prayer of praise to Our Lord… (such as the “Glory Be”… that is the one I use most). We need to remember, that we are in a real, true battle here on earth. It is a spiritual battle, but a real one. That is why we’re called “The Church Militant”.

I think that any evil with which you are confronted… will flee in terror, from a loving soul… offering praise to the Most High. Give it a try I think it will do wonders. God bless you.

 

[JimR-OCDS]

Jesus sees our flaws as our own poverty, and so, I would say, we should see the flaws of others, as their poverty.

Of course if we understand our own poverty, and understand Jesus compassion for us, irrespective of it, then we should be moved with compassion for others, irrespective of their poverty.

Prayer is the only way to become Christ-like, because it is through His transforming grace, that we have any chance of changing.

Develop a daily schedule for interior prayer. Transforming grace is obtain by having a relationship with the source of grace, Jesus Christ. Through Him, we are transformed.

God Bless
Jim

 

[glenaitken]

How can one stay focused on their faith when one is surrounded by people who pretend to be friendly toward you, who are shallow, confrontational and materialistic. In the past anytime I encountered people like this I would quietly back off producing no ill feelings. I am not a confrontational person - never was because there is no need to be - even though I’ve got my own faults, don’t get me wrong. Now I am married and have gotten to know ‘friends’ through my husband whom he has known for years (some are really nice - some are shallow, confrontational and materialistic). To top it off, my husband is also confrontational (not shallow or materialistic, just confrontational) - he never ceases to ‘one-up’ others when they are challenging him or criticizing him - he seems to sometimes initiate the situation that gives fuel to the fire. They’re all basically friendly with each other, but there is an underlying phoniness to their friendship. I’ve tried to explain my feelings to my husband with little luck. He thinks my non-confrontational nature is me being “chicken”. While it’s true that I have always had a hard time defending myself, I have always tried to keep myself out of situations that would cause me the need to defend myself and so anytime these people want to challenge me, they just give up because they realize that I am a ‘tomb’. They seem to be taking it as a sign of weakness. It has been a point of contention between my husband and me that everytime we throw a party, he invites these people and now the problem is I am feeling compelled to join in on this confrontational behavior - because there is only so much a person can take. This is why I feel like I’m losing focus on my faith - my mind seems to be so consumed with anger over this situation, which I can’t seem to escape. I feel like I am trying to hang on to my faith by a slender thread and I need some spiritual words of encouragment, consolation or even a reprimand if necessary - something. The party we are throwing is on June 21, 2008 and I am dreading it.

I understand you’re frustrated, but i can’t see how this would make a person begin to loose faith. it seems to me (and of course i may be wrong) like you are judging them a bit too harshly. so what that they’re confrontational? they’re men- we tend to be that way, especially if we’re insecure. unless they’re being abusive wit hthier language, my guess is that they know that they can get a rise out of you by teasing you, and so they keep trying. don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself, but don’t take yourself too seriously either. laugh- after all, sticks and stones you know. talk to your husband about how to speak to men like this- after all, he would know best. chances are that they really want to see you stand up for yourself, unless they are real jerks. turning the other cheek doen’t mean taking it lying down. two things here: 1. when christ says to turn the other cheek (I’ll skip the history lesson of the culture and skip to the point) it means that he wants us to show ourselves as equals to the people who harm us and not inferiors.2. when turning the other cheeck be remember- you only have four cheeks to turn humor is the best medicine here- and if they really are big tough men, then they won’t mind you picking at thier flaws in a funny and loving way, so long as it doesn’t come across as judgemental- it has to be sisterly or maternal. hope this helps

 

[Cathryn]

MJDavies:
Your post here reminds me of a homily from my pastor a couple of weeks ago. Father was telling us we need to relate to people where they are at, and not where we want them to be. He said we all have faults and we need to be patient, kind and loving even to people who annoy us.

I too have a husband who has friends that annoy me. Left to myself I wouldn’t have chosen some of them as friends. God doesn’t want us to seal ourselves off from people. He wants us to bring them to Him. As another poster said before, this is all part of the spiritual battle we all have to fight.

 

[JReducation]

MJ

Are you really losing your faith or your inner peace? They are not the same thing. Sometimes our beliefs don’t change, but our inner peace can be rattled by situations where there is aggression, psychological violence, mind games, injustice, abuse, deceit and oh so many other things.

I can’t see your face and body language or hear the tone in your voice, but nothing of what you have said indicates a loss of faith. It sounds more like a loss of inner peace and inner silence.

A loss of faith is when you stop believing in what God has revealed. Is that what is happening?

A loss of inner peace and inner silence is when we dwell on what upsets us and what we perceive as wrong to the point that we are angry. We often become more angry at ourselves than at the other person. We begin to second-guess ourselves and to believe that we should have said this or done that. The tape keeps playing over and over again. The more it plays the angrier we become. Eventually, our anger turns into hostility and we join in the events that are upsetting us. This tiggers a circle. Because instead of winning, we only end up more upset, more bitter and more distrated by the same feelings of anger and inadequacy.

The great saints and mystics also lived in such situations. I remember how our Holy Father St. Francis was so angry a the friars because behind his back they had constructed a fine monastery with all of the perks of the time. He became so angry that he climed the roof of the house and started to tear it down shingle by shingle.

He quickly realized that the anger had filled the space that was reserved for God. What he did was to get down from the roof. He refused to enter the new house and went to a cave. He lived there until his death.

I’m not suggesting that you go find a cave. But the lesson that St. Francis teaches is that we often have to remove ourselves from the tiggers of anger or the anger will consume us, because we become obsessed. Eventually it is no longer a feeling of healhty indignation, but a desire to win that takes over. Since we can’t change the way other people think or act, we will never win.

When the mind is absorbed with winning a debate or driving home a position, the soul is left abandoned and unattended. The soul, even though it is immortal depends on the mind and boyd to be filled with Christ.

Therefore our physical activity and our mental activity have to be the kind of activities that allow God to act in our souls. Periods of silence, such as taking walks or time before the Blessed Sacrament have always helped me to find the simplicity and silence that I need.

Praying the rosary and asking our Lady to give us inner peace before stepping into a situation that is unavoidable is a great help as well. I work in a very tense enviornment with very intelligent people who have very strong personalities. At times those personalities can class. The people whom we serve can be very demanding and unreasonable. That just adds to the stress and fuels the anger. I have found that praying the rosary on my way to work and asking the Lord to give me the peace and quiet that he gave to his mother helps me through the day. I come home physically tired, but mentally refreshed as when I woke up.

Another aid is material detachment. Believe it or not, attachment to material things can consume a great deal of time. The more I have the more time I need to take care of and protect my belongings. I have found that by not replacing things that I don’t really need, it opens up time in my schedule. I don’t have to spend so much of it taking care of things and worrying about them. Even having less clothes has made my life simpler. The less I have, the less time I have to spend thinking about what I’m going to wear, because there aren’t many choices in my closet. This is what St. Francis called Lady Poverty.

What this has done for me is open up more time on my schedule for prayer, spiritual reading, taking an extra 15 minutes on the way home to stop at Church and sit quietly.

As we develop these mechanisms of opening time slots for Jesus to enter our souls, we then walk into situations such as what you describe feeling refreshed, ready to serve and be kind to everyone and stronger. The dumb things that other peopel perseverate on actually entertain me. I just sit back and thing how silly this argument is, because it’s not going anywhere. When people ask me my opinion I say just that. I tell them that I don’t really want to enter the argument, because I dont see the purpose.

This may sound rude, but it’s not. It’s really sending a message to the other person that you would love to talk about something that is interesting or debage something that will benefit both of you, but you are not interested in arguing for the sake of arguing because it doesn’t entertain you. But you are not taking away what seems to entertain them.

continued

 

[JReducation]

continuation

Also, I have learned that I don’t have to sit through an entire debate. I can be gracous and take care of my guests, if they are my guests and find something to do in some other quiet part of the house. If I’m in someone els’e space, I can leave when I have had enough.

The important thing is to create those periods of silence when you can pray, do spiritual reading, go to Church, take walks and hear the voice of God. It is also important to find activities where you’re doing something beautiful for God, whether it’s volunteering at the Church or at the local hospital or whatever. When the mind and body are engaged, even for short periods in activities for the Lord, the Lord fills the soul.

The soul is ready for this, but an overload of the brain with too much aggression, does not allow the mind to rest, much less does it allow it to guide and support the body in doing beautiful things for God through those who really need us.

Remember what James says in his letter. “Faith without works is dead.” If our mind and our body is not engaged in the work of the Lord, our faith is dead. Not because we stop believing, but because we stopped feeding it. It has to be fed through the soul. This only happens if we protect our inner peace through periods of quiet.

The less you have on your plate, the more time and energy you have to spend quiet time with the Lord.

Take it from one who’s been down both roads, the anry one and now the quiet one.

Fraternally,

JR