Losing Patience

[seeker_of_God]

Hello,

This is kinda hard for me to post as I feel rather ashamed of it. I’d appreciate no judgment, so I can be open and honest here.

I’ve been married for 2.5 years, and really couldn’t be happier. I have the best wife ever, and she does so much for me.

Saying that, we often get into arguments. Sometimes it is her fault, and sometimes it is mine. Luckily we always make up and there are no grudges afterwards, but still it is frustrating.

Often I just lose patience. We both have anxiety problems, and are learning to deal with each other’s anxiety. Often though I lose patience when she seems to be worrying about nothing. Or I lose patience if she repeats herself over and over again, because it’s frustrating/annoying.

I feel really, really stupid afterwards, and like a really bad husband. But I honestly don’t know how to overcome it. I try so hard, even when I’m a mood so to speak and I know its stupid but can’t seem to get out of it.

I just overall feel really selfish and really impatient and short-tempered, but I don’t know how to change it. I’ve confessed it over and over, and I’ve prayed and prayed about it. But still it is the same. I want to show my love for her the way she shows it to me, but I feel stuck.

Any advice would be really appreciated, and any prayers of course, too.

 

[dedo]

Two things I am working on in my own life to be more patient include:

1. Meditation. I am studying some of Timothy Gallagher’s writing / DVD’s on St. Ignatius’ thoughts on how to meditate with scripture. I believe that meditation is training for the mind like exercise trains the body. The more you do it, the more you become the “observer” who is able to observe your own mind, and the situation around you. The result is that you pause or think before you respond to a situation since you have trained yourself to “observe”. Reactivity goes down and patience goes up.

Also, you gain time with the Scripture which is beneficial itself. It is interesting to me how Protestants have focused more on Scripture than Catholics although this has been changing of late. However, it was not always this way and some of our Saints have great insights on how to gain the most from scripture.

1. Stretching. Stretching is a stress reliever and reduces anxiety in general. In fact some cultures believe that disease comes from stress, and stress is relieved by stretching the muscles. This is not inconsistent with modern medicine in attributing disease to stress.

It is good that you are working on improving yourself. In general that is where the answer is found.

Good luck.

 

[Viki63]

Seeker,
It doesn’t sound like your arguments are terribly serious, you’re not throwing things, calling each other names, or saying hurtful things, are you?
In case you are falling into those, they are responses that can be unlearned.
There are rules for disagreeing in marriage. Here is one list of how to fight fairly.

You may be pretty young, since you have only been married a few years. You will both get better at this as time goes on. Your desire to change and improve is a really good sign.
Respect is the hallmark of a long-lasting marriage. Try to be sure to always be respectful of her, even when you are disagreeing.
God bless.

 

[seeker_of_God]

Seeker,
It doesn’t sound like your arguments are terribly serious, you’re not throwing things, calling each other names, or saying hurtful things, are you?
In case you are falling into those, they are responses that can be unlearned.
There are rules for disagreeing in marriage. Here is one list of how to fight fairly.

You may be pretty young, since you have only been married a few years. You will both get better at this as time goes on. Your desire to change and improve is a really good sign.
Respect is the hallmark of a long-lasting marriage. Try to be sure to always be respectful of her, even when you are disagreeing.
God bless.

They get bad emotionally, not by calling names but just generally being worn down by it lasting hours sometimes. We’re both pretty stubborn so no one wants to be the one to just stop. It’s largely because we have different coping mechanisms: I cope by being left alone, maybe going into another room or just being left alone for a while. She copes by talking everything out right away, and she gets anxious if she’s left alone when an argument is happening. So it generally reduced to me trying to be left alone, occasionally trying to leave the room if it gets especially bad, and her not letting me because she’s too anxious about i otherwise. So neither of us get what we need and it just spirals out of control.

Yeah we’re both fairly young. I’m 25 and she’s 23.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut and encouragement.

 

[Viki63]

They get bad emotionally, not by calling names but just generally being worn down by it lasting hours sometimes. We’re both pretty stubborn so no one wants to be the one to just stop. It’s largely because we have different coping mechanisms: I cope by being left alone, maybe going into another room or just being left alone for a while. She copes by talking everything out right away, and she gets anxious if she’s left alone when an argument is happening. So it generally reduced to me trying to be left alone, occasionally trying to leave the room if it gets especially bad, and her not letting me because she’s too anxious about i otherwise. So neither of us get what we need and it just spirals out of control…

Hours would be hard to take. My husband doesn’t do that but my kids will try to argue for a long time – but never hours!
Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor or your priest? Perhaps you could work out a plan to follow, such as agree to discuss something for a limited time, say half an hour, then take a time out. Really, there’s no reason to argue for hours. If something is that big a problem, a marriage counselor should be involved.
If your wife has a problem with anxiety, she might need to see a doctor. Maybe a medication would help.

 

[lalabean33]

It’s wonderful you’re seeking advice and help. Do you have a confessor you see regularly that holds you accountable for your sins? Do you go to adoration often and try to go to daily mass as much as possible? All of these will help.

IMHO, your wife needs to give you space in the heat of an argument when you want to be left alone. If you need time to cool down, she should understand this. Right before or Once your conversation/argument becomes unhealthy/rude/impolite, you should kindly tell your wife in a calm voice you need a break, and will just be in the other room, and will chat in 30 minutes or whenever. If she doesn’t understand this, you two may want to speak to a priest together. Provoking one another when you need space is never a good thing.

Hello,

This is kinda hard for me to post as I feel rather ashamed of it. I’d appreciate no judgment, so I can be open and honest here.

I’ve been married for 2.5 years, and really couldn’t be happier. I have the best wife ever, and she does so much for me.

Saying that, we often get into arguments. Sometimes it is her fault, and sometimes it is mine. Luckily we always make up and there are no grudges afterwards, but still it is frustrating.

Often I just lose patience. We both have anxiety problems, and are learning to deal with each other’s anxiety. Often though I lose patience when she seems to be worrying about nothing. Or I lose patience if she repeats herself over and over again, because it’s frustrating/annoying.

I feel really, really stupid afterwards, and like a really bad husband. But I honestly don’t know how to overcome it. I try so hard, even when I’m a mood so to speak and I know its stupid but can’t seem to get out of it.

I just overall feel really selfish and really impatient and short-tempered, but I don’t know how to change it. I’ve confessed it over and over, and I’ve prayed and prayed about it. But still it is the same. I want to show my love for her the way she shows it to me, but I feel stuck.

Any advice would be really appreciated, and any prayers of course, too.

 

[jesus4ever]

“I want to show my love for her the way she shows it to me”
You dont have to do bid things just do the little things. Example would be she is cooking dinner help he by setting up the table. Get the plates and forks and knifes out the glasses and so on.

Also when you are seeing her worriyng about something or even worrying about nothing just put your arm around her and show that you care and that she has someone who care about her.

 

[Michael42]

Hi
Anxiety and these long bouts of frustration are the result of increased mental energy that has no release. This is on the increase globally and I know many people who are having the same experiences. You both need to channel that energy and use it to offset those feelings of inadequacy and lack ot control. It is time to start learning again by seeking and finding answers to those questions that seem to have no answers.
In the Book of Thomas he mentions those who seek, find, are shocked, then awed and then worship. This is the time.
Pick a topic that interests you but is also ambitious and slightly ambiguous. I chose the weather in my area because it is always at odds with the forecast.
Spend 30 mins a day approaching the topic by simply looking for patterns. Forget science and see things as our ancient ancestors might. Within a few weeks you should start to see order in what you now see as chaos. Gods Great Design will slowly reveal itself whatever topic you start with.

As you find the patterns so you will tune your synapses, the anxiety will decrease. Your life will be more balanced and you will be wiser.

Seek and ye shall find, quite literally. Enjoy the journey.

 

[Beryllos]

I am praying for you both!

We’re both pretty stubborn so no one wants to be the one to just stop.

That’s sounds like pride, and you should try to overcome it. It may take time and effort, but you can do it. It sounds like you and your wife have a big and beautiful love. You need to let that love overcome pride and stubbornness.

It’s largely because we have different coping mechanisms: I cope by being left alone, maybe going into another room or just being left alone for a while. She copes by talking everything out right away, and she gets anxious if she’s left alone when an argument is happening…

That reminds me of a couple I met at church a long time ago. At times, she needed to talk. At times, he needed some quiet time. They came up with a signal. When he put on a certain cap, that meant he needed quiet time. They could be in the different rooms, or together in same room, but she would not demand his attention if he was wearing the cap. They must have had some understanding that he could not wear the cap all the time , but at least he could choose the time.

Okay, maybe wearing a cap is not your style. Then perhaps you and your wife could develop your own signal or another kind of system that works for you. When it is your turn to listen, think of it as an expression of your love for her, to be there when she needs your attentive presence.

 

[Dorothy]

It sounds like a communication problem that needs to be nipped in the bud.

It would help greatly if you would learn how to pray together as a couple, as well as developing your own prayer journey with the Lord.

It also helps to have hobbies and interests that differ from one another and that you rejoice together in that difference.

Putting the Lord first in all things is key!

 

[oldgraymare2]

Hi seeker of God,

Please don’t feel ashamed about what is going on.

I also agree with considering seeing a counselor or a priest for some help with your anxiety, for the both of you.

I think that when you argue, it will only make things worse regarding both of your anxiety levels, as you are already finding out.

 

[Petaro]

I am praying for you both!

That’s sounds like pride, and you should try to overcome it. It may take time and effort, but you can do it. It sounds like you and your wife have a big and beautiful love. You need to let that love overcome pride and stubbornness.

That reminds me of a couple I met at church a long time ago. At times, she needed to talk. At times, he needed some quiet time. They came up with a signal. When he put on a certain cap, that meant he needed quiet time. They could be in the different rooms, or together in same room, but she would not demand his attention if he was wearing the cap. They must have had some understanding that he could not wear the cap all the time , but at least he could choose the time.

Okay, maybe wearing a cap is not your style. Then perhaps you and your wife could develop your own signal or another kind of system that works for you. When it is your turn to listen, think of it as an expression of your love for her, to be there when she needs your attentive presence.

Caps can be very showy. I use almost imperceptible ear buds. My wife can scream for hours if I have a cup beside my chair after she has washed up. (I can’t do the washing up as I don’t do it properly using her coping rituals). If you watch her mouth from time to time, and say yes dear, you can survive. I offer it up for the reparation of my sins and those of the souls in purgatory. It is my belief that my wife will empty purgatory some time next year.
Another signal can be picking up an axe. A bit showy, but I find it satisfactory on so many different levels.

 

[ClearWater]

Hello,

This is kinda hard for me to post as I feel rather ashamed of it. I’d appreciate no judgment, so I can be open and honest here.

I’ve been married for 2.5 years, and really couldn’t be happier. I have the best wife ever, and she does so much for me.

Saying that, we often get into arguments. Sometimes it is her fault, and sometimes it is mine. Luckily we always make up and there are no grudges afterwards, but still it is frustrating.

Often I just lose patience. We both have anxiety problems, and are learning to deal with each other’s anxiety. Often though I lose patience when she seems to be worrying about nothing. Or I lose patience if she repeats herself over and over again, because it’s frustrating/annoying.

I feel really, really stupid afterwards, and like a really bad husband. But I honestly don’t know how to overcome it. I try so hard, even when I’m a mood so to speak and I know its stupid but can’t seem to get out of it.

I just overall feel really selfish and really impatient and short-tempered, but I don’t know how to change it. I’ve confessed it over and over, and I’ve prayed and prayed about it. But still it is the same. I want to show my love for her the way she shows it to me, but I feel stuck.

Any advice would be really appreciated, and any prayers of course, too.

You had said you both had some problems with anxiety. Have you been diagnosed with anxiety? If you have, are you both in some kind of treatment counseling and/or medication?

As to trying to overcome the issues with food, it might be helpful to go to a nutritonist, first, to seek out suggestions. If you have health insurance, it might cover a visit.

However, often, there is an emotional component when we overeat. I have this same problem, myself. I went to a nutritionist, got tips on how to eat more nutritiously. That’s the first piece.

The second piece, to me, would be getting enough emotional support. The world is really hard, right now, even in the best circumstances.

It used to be life was different, years ago. Now, it’s filled with stress, and we weren’t designed to live that way. After a while, it all takes a toll on a person.

One way, you could seek support is to try an Overeater’s Anonymous, which is a 12-step program. I overeat, but I know it’s due to stress, to my lack of support. When I’m stressed, I seem to seek solace and consolation in food. The more I’m stressed, the worse it gets. It can feel like it’s hard to resist, because it’s emotional.

So, I’d recommend those 2 things…the nutritionist and getting support through OA.

I’ve been told I repeat a lot, too. I’ve read about that, why we do that. Barring some kind of condition, like dementia, it can also possibly be caused by lack of confidence in oneself.

My mother has dementia and repeats a lot. Well, she lost her short-term memory. I realize that’s the cause and try to show her infinite patience.

A third idea is to seek counseling as another kind of support.

Now, some people say to themselves they don’t need marital, or individual, counseling and wait till they are being served divorce papers, basically.

I once knew a couple that seemed to get along very well. They sought out counseling, not because they were in a terrible relationship, but to try to make things a little better. The wife said she knew they had a good relationship but simply wanted to improve communication.

I think they achieved their objective, improved their relationship.

Now, when you argue, a counselor could help you learn how to discuss. “People generally quarrel, because they do not know how to argue.” G.K. Chesterton.

Could she have short-term memory loss? Have you ever watched, “Finding Nemo”? She has short-term memory loss, and it’s hard on him! It’s a cartoon, makes it look funny, but it’s really not.

Strive to be able to express opinions, make a point, but without it becoming hurtful. That’s where a counselor might come in handy. It’s not that you have a bad relationship but to make your good relationship even better.

One last thing, do you ever pray together as a couple, outside of mass?

My parents were married 70 years, and were together 2 years dating even before that. They got on their knees together, nightly, as a couple, for many years. They seemed to find that helpful.

Lastly, a lot of people often court and date. When they get married, some stop all that, altogether, and it’s a shame. Counselors will often recommend going out once a week on a date night, and then, you can even discuss your problems in this nice environment, look for solutions.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :angel1:

 

[ClearWater]

Another thing about communication that a counselor would often suggest is to try “I” statements (instead of “you”).

When we argue, we often say, “You…did…”…x, y, z. People often get defensive when we begin that way, especially when we begin with the 2 words, “You should”.

I went to counseling, and my counselor recommended I take “should” out of my vocabulary, since it makes most people defensive. Begin, instead, with something like…

“I feel…hurt…when you…do…”…x.

Secondly, for every 1 negative you say about her, say at least 5 positives.

 

[seeker_of_God]

You had said you both had some problems with anxiety. Have you been diagnosed with anxiety? If you have, are you both in some kind of treatment counseling and/or medication?

As to trying to overcome the issues with food, it might be helpful to go to a nutritonist, first, to seek out suggestions. If you have health insurance, it might cover a visit.

However, often, there is an emotional component when we overeat. I have this same problem, myself. I went to a nutritionist, got tips on how to eat more nutritiously. That’s the first piece.

The second piece, to me, would be getting enough emotional support. The world is really hard, right now, even in the best circumstances.

It used to be life was different, years ago. Now, it’s filled with stress, and we weren’t designed to live that way. After a while, it all takes a toll on a person.

One way, you could seek support is to try an Overeater’s Anonymous, which is a 12-step program. I overeat, but I know it’s due to stress, to my lack of support. When I’m stressed, I seem to seek solace and consolation in food. The more I’m stressed, the worse it gets. It can feel like it’s hard to resist, because it’s emotional.

So, I’d recommend those 2 things…the nutritionist and getting support through OA.

I’ve been told I repeat a lot, too. I’ve read about that, why we do that. Barring some kind of condition, like dementia, it can also possibly be caused by lack of confidence in oneself.

My mother has dementia and repeats a lot. Well, she lost her short-term memory. I realize that’s the cause and try to show her infinite patience.

A third idea is to seek counseling as another kind of support.

Now, some people say to themselves they don’t need marital, or individual, counseling and wait till they are being served divorce papers, basically.

I once knew a couple that seemed to get along very well. They sought out counseling, not because they were in a terrible relationship, but to try to make things a little better. The wife said she knew they had a good relationship but simply wanted to improve communication.

I think they achieved their objective, improved their relationship.

Now, when you argue, a counselor could help you learn how to discuss. “People generally quarrel, because they do not know how to argue.” G.K. Chesterton.

Could she have short-term memory loss? Have you ever watched, “Finding Nemo”? She has short-term memory loss, and it’s hard on him! It’s a cartoon, makes it look funny, but it’s really not.

Strive to be able to express opinions, make a point, but without it becoming hurtful. That’s where a counselor might come in handy. It’s not that you have a bad relationship but to make your good relationship even better.

One last thing, do you ever pray together as a couple, outside of mass?

My parents were married 70 years, and were together 2 years dating even before that. They got on their knees together, nightly, as a couple, for many years. They seemed to find that helpful.

Lastly, a lot of people often court and date. When they get married, some stop all that, altogether, and it’s a shame. Counselors will often recommend going out once a week on a date night, and then, you can even discuss your problems in this nice environment, look for solutions.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen. :angel1:

Thanks for your reply, but I hav no idea how you got anything about overeating? I didn’t mention anything about food.

 

[ClearWater]

Ooops…So sorry…I think I must have gotten distracted, accidentally had 2 threads open at the same time!

I apologize! Wrong thread!