Lost and lonely

[peter46]

My wife and I have been separated now for 2 years, in those 2 years I have done everything to better myself as a husband. I have regular therapy sessions with a catholic therapist, I don’t go out anywhere where I might be tempted, I don’t drink so that i might not do anything that I would regret. I try to be there for my wife when she needs me, I have given up everything just to try and make her happy.
During this time my wife has gone out dancing with friends, gone out to bars, and who knows what else. It doesn’t seem like she attends mass anymore, but still I never have suspected her of being unfaithful to me until a few days ago. That’s when I found out that she’s been prescribed “the pill”, I never thought she would ever take the pill. Even if she cheated on me, I never thought she ever take that. We have always been pro-life, always practiced NFP, never used condoms, we didn’t even have sex before marriage and now i find out that she’s on the pill!
This has caused me a great deal of stress, I want to give her the benefit of doubt, wanting to believe that she’s taking it for medicinal purposes. I just can’t believe this of her and i refuse to.
Now I have friends that tell why I bother waiting for her, telling me that she’s just using me, that there’s other women out there and I shouldn’t bother wasting my time with her. My wife herself has told me that she’s done and wants a divorce, but still she hasn’t filed for one, she just keeps making excuses. I have gone through high and low points, feeling everything humanly possible. I have felt sick and tired of waiting for her and at the momment that I’m about to give up and pray for some guidance I always get the same response from Our Lord, “it’s not over, don’t give up just yet”. My heart immediately softens.
I feel like I’m doing God’s will in this, but this latest blow has me questioning everything. Please help me in discerning what God wants me to do. Sorry for the lengthy post, I feel like I’m rambling and not making sense.

 

[1ke]

I’m sorry you are going through this. I don’t have much in the way of advice.

I would suggest that if your heart says you are not ready to give up, then don’t give up. But, my question is about her-- will she go to counseling with you? Is she doing anything to save the marriage?

If the answer to that is no, then I suggest you talk to a lawyer about how to safeguard yourself financially. If you are in a community property state, she could do great damage and you could be responsible for any debts, etc, by virtue of still being married. See if there is any sort of legal separation that can protect what you are earning and prevent her from running up debts that you are obligated for.

I’m not sure what your friends mean by “taking advantage of you”? Are you giving her money, supporting her, etc?

Also, how did you come to know she is on the Pill? I agree with you, it shows signs of extramarital relationships and therefore even if reconciliation takes place I would not resume relations with her without some serious discussion and priestly counseling (and STD testing).

 

[peter46]

Thanks Ike for your response. No my wife is not willing to try some marriage counseling, I have asked her in the past. I have tried giving her some time, where I thought that she might reconsider. Despite everything that she says, which have been some pretty awful and hateful things, her actions are what soften my heart. It’s almost like she tries to act tough but when she lets her guard down, or when she feels all alone she comes back to me. I’m the one she talks to about the difficulties in her life, I’m the only one that understands her. These are the type of things that keep me going. This is also why I don’t think she has another man in her life, if she did she wouldn’t be talking to me or asking for my advice, she would be turning to him.
As far as finances go, I have thought about what you’ve said, but I still haven’t talked to any lawyer. The one reason I could think of is that I don’t want to give her the slightest idea that I’m giving up on our marriage. I do give her money every month to help her with our 2 daughters. This is why some of my friends say that she’s just taking advantage of me, because I do try and help her financially. She has in the past asked for extra money because she’s running low.
I still want to give the benefit of the doubt that she’s taking the Pill for medical purposes, she does have certain conditions and I know she got put on some new medications, so maybe that is one of those new meds. I don’t know, but I do know that I’m not going to think the worse of my wife without some concrete evidence. Who knows maybe I’m just being naive.

 

[scott1228]

Peter:

Difficult to give more specific advice without knowing more, but recommend the following site (and reading material found there):

www.marriagebuilders.com

They also have a forum.

It is not a Catholic web site, but one that is recommended by many Catholic organizations for its excellent defense of marriage.

best wishes,
Scott

 

[BlestOne]

If you are seperated how do you know she is on the pill? If she told you… why didn’t you ask why?

At some point you will need to get your finances straight… I suggest keeping very good records of every penny that goes to her and your girls. Once you have an idea of how much you spend a month on them… ask yourself is this what I can afford to pay in Child support? Is is fair? Is it right?

It sounds to me that she is comfortable in this position and that is why she doesn’t want to change. Most likely, she thinks you won’t be as giving if you are divorced… sorry bud, she is using you!