Lost in infidelity

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smallfish

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Long story short, my wife of almost twenty years was caught a few years back in a web of lies and infidelity. She denied everything until I put proof in her hands. The problem is, I have, and have had more proof and have given her the opportunity to come clean. Well, three years later, after counseling and multiple periods of unknown marital status, she cannot be honest. She pleads she has never been with anyone else, and that she loves me and that she’s not ready to give up. So what next ? Even during counseling, I heard the ‘my personal life is none of your business’ and ‘I only have to confess my sins to my priest’. I’m lost. And for the answers to other posts about admitting infidelity to your spouse that said ‘don’t tell’ and ‘keep your mouth shut’ and ‘your being selfish if you tell’…those are the most disgusting replies I’ve ever read. Not only are they breaking two commandments, they are making a mockery of wedding vows. Please, any guidance is appreciated.
 
If you know 100% for sure she is commiting adultary then threaten separation. If she continues, follow through.
 
I am truly sorry this has happened to you.

Question: did you tell your wife about your findings or have you kept them to yourself all these years. I guess I am asking if she knows that you know, or if she isn’t aware that you know.
 
smallfish said:
Long story short, my wife of almost twenty years was caught a few years back in a web of lies and infidelity. She denied everything until I put proof in her hands. The problem is, I have, and have had more proof and have given her the opportunity to come clean. Well, three years later, after counseling and multiple periods of unknown marital status, she cannot be honest. She pleads she has never been with anyone else, and that she loves me and that she’s not ready to give up. So what next ? Even during counseling, I heard the ‘my personal life is none of your business’ and ‘I only have to confess my sins to my priest’. I’m lost. **And for the answers to other posts about admitting infidelity to your spouse that said ‘don’t tell’ and ‘keep your mouth shut’ and ‘your being selfish if you tell’…those are the most disgusting replies I’ve ever read. Not only are they breaking two commandments, they are making a mockery of wedding vows. **Please, any guidance is appreciated.
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That advice (which is actually fairly traditional) is not intended to encourage the erring spouse to gaslight the innocent spouse (which is what it sounds like your wife has been doing).

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

I don’t have chapter and verse, but it is generally thought that a sinner does not have to make their sins public. (For instance, you could murder someone and get absolution without turning yourself in to police.)

But, on the other hand, there is the practical issue of sexually transmitted diseases. You need time for a positive result to come back (at least for HIV), so there would be a need for abstinence until then. Imposing abstinence out of the blue on the innocent spouse without explanation would generally be a problem and it could arguably cause nearly as much marital distress as a confession of infidelity.
 
My findings that I showed her three years ago were very explicit texts to another man during a business trip. And I have more, including a picture of her sharing an intimate act with a man that I haven’t shown her or brought up. I love her dearly and I want her to tell me about what happened, to confirm her love for me. Everyone makes mistakes and I believe her honesty will be enough for me to believe in her again. But I’m at the end of my rope, so to speak. We live in a no fault state, so the picture wouldn’t help me in a custody case. I’ve just been waiting for God to step in and guide her. Unfortunately, our paths seem to be different.
 
smallfish said:
Long story short, my wife of almost twenty years was caught a few years back in a web of lies and infidelity. She denied everything until I put proof in her hands. The problem is, I have, and have had more proof and have given her the opportunity to come clean. Well, three years later, after counseling and multiple periods of unknown marital status, she cannot be honest. She pleads she has never been with anyone else, and that she loves me and that she’s not ready to give up.
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This sounds confusing. Has she admitted to adultery or not?
So what next ? Even during counseling, I heard the ‘my personal life is none of your business’
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You wife says that to you? That is very serious.
and ‘I only have to confess my sins to my priest’. I’m lost. And for the answers to other posts about admitting infidelity to your spouse that said ‘don’t tell’ and ‘keep your mouth shut’ and ‘your being selfish if you tell’…those are the most disgusting replies I’ve ever read. Not only are they breaking two commandments, they are making a mockery of wedding vows. Please, any guidance is appreciated.
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That is common advice when the spouse does not know. It does not apply in your case.

You may have a very difficult choice ahead if she will not commit to fidelity and your marriage. It may be over, if, indeed, it ever existed.
 
Xantipipe, I know what is written. But in my eyes, when you take your wedding vows, you give yourself to your spouse. There are not supposed to be secrets or lies, and forgiveness should never be an issue within true love. Adultry is a forgivable sin, but if you can confess that to God for forgiveness, shouldn’t you be able to confess that to your spouse for equal forgiveness ?
 
She has admitted to the texts. And yes, her personal life is none of my business, quote-unquote.
 
Okay. I don’t know why you haven’t told her what you know. She obviously thinks that you don’t know or else you would have said something by now. So now, she can just keep denying all she wants because she thinks she us pulling it off.

If you would like her to come clean to prove her love for you, what if she doesn’t ever do that? If she hasn’t done it, does it mean she doesn’t love you? You want her to tell you on her own as a test of her love, and so far, she is failing.

Sometimes, it takes years for people to admit their wrongs and apologize.

I think that if you love your wife and you want your marriage to work, you have two choices.

Tell her what you know so that the healing can begin sooner, than later. However, she may get angry and try to turn it against you and ask why you never said anything before now about knowing. You could begin to work on things once you are both being honest about the truth.

The second choice is to choose to forgive her without telling her what you know. It won’t be easy. You will probably still harbor resentment once in a while because you “know.” Maybe after many years, it won’t matter anymore.

Either way, it’s all about forgiveness.
 
smallfish said:
Adultery is a forgivable sin, but if you can confess that to God for forgiveness, shouldn’t you be able to confess that to your spouse for equal forgiveness ?
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Yes, I think you are right about this. She should be able to do this. It may take her years to be able to admit what she did was wrong. Especially if she thinks you don’t know everything that you say you know.
 
Why haven’t you shown her the picture? You have proof positive. What’s to be gained by withholding it? If you’re hoping that she’ll come around and admit “whatever,” without you having to use it against her, it looks like it’s not going to happen.

What are you going to do with the picture? By tthe way, how did you get the pic?
 
smallfish said:
Long story short, my wife of almost twenty years was caught a few years back in a web of lies and infidelity. She denied everything until I put proof in her hands. The problem is, I have, and have had more proof and have given her the opportunity to come clean. Well, three years later, after counseling and multiple periods of unknown marital status, she cannot be honest. She pleads she has never been with anyone else, and that she loves me and that she’s not ready to give up. So what next ? Even during counseling, I heard the ‘my personal life is none of your business’ and ‘I only have to confess my sins to my priest’. I’m lost. And for the answers to other posts about admitting infidelity to your spouse that said ‘don’t tell’ and ‘keep your mouth shut’ and ‘your being selfish if you tell’…those are the most disgusting replies I’ve ever read. Not only are they breaking two commandments, they are making a mockery of wedding vows. Please, any guidance is appreciated.
Click to expand...
If you are married, then infidelity and things related to it ARE your business.

Really, what a weak excuse. It’s always “NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS or You can’t judge me!” when it comes to these matters. :rolleyes:
 
My marriage not only survived this but is thriving. That being said, only by God’s grace, a 110% effort from my wife as well as me, and her being truly repentant. When you see someone sobbing, begging for forgiveness, and doing EVERYTHING asked, you know they are repentant. That being said, it is a daily cross that I carry but in my case, forgiving has been the single best decision I ever made. She needs to come completely clean. Even then, you have a lot of hard work ahead of you. I can assure you however that I am living proof that it can be done and that miracles do happen. Feel free to PM me. Good luck & God bless. I wouldn’t wish what I went through and what you are going through on my worst enemy.
 
If your wife is serious about working on repairing the marriage, she will go to therapy with you. She will actively participate and she will be transparent as glass in all her activities (texting, internet, etc). If she is not willing to do her part to take ownership and responsibility for her behavior then YOU have to decide if you can continue on in the marriage.

Any spouse saying what they do in a marriage is their own business lacks the basic understanding of what marriage means and the expectations of a spouse.

I suggest getting a good therapist who is experienced in dealing with infidelity.
If your wife rejects the idea of therapy, or says she will go but does not actively participate in a transparent way---- I would say you have a clear picture of the state of your marriage.

God bless you.
 
Thank you all for the advice. I take every bit of it to heart. I think I will have to arrange for the kids to stay somewhere this weekend and sit down for what might be one last serious talk. God bless you all.
 
Prayers for you, her and the kids. I’m both regretful and thankful that I have no experience in this area from which to draw knowledge.
 
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