Lost in love/Struggling

[duncan1984]

In summary I’m basically going through classic unrequented love.

I’m 27 have never really had a girlfriend however, suffered several rejections but none of these girls meant that much to me so was never that upset.

Things changed this year though. I work for a finance firm in various teams for various clients. In February I was started working with one girl and we instantly clicked. She really is a fantastic girl pretty, fun, easy going and loves her family basically ticks every box (I realise I’m probably putting her on a pedestal) but she does not realise how great she is.

We started to hang out a lot in work and outside work and it seemed to be the inside joke in the office that there was something was going on between us. Barely a day went by when something wasn’t said. Since the first day I met her I had a crush but as we spent more and more time together my feelings depended and I’m pretty sure I’m in love with the girl.

During this time she had been on dates with a couple of guys however, one guy made a big impression on her and to be honest I think she is going through the same think with him that I am with her, if that makes any sense? She has talked to me about this guy which I found hard. It didn’t work out with them for whatever reason but still mentions him.

Eventually I built up the courage to ask her out a few months ago which didn’t end the way I wanted it to but didn’t really make things to awkward until we had a work night out and I went a little nuts. We stopped talking for a while but recently things are back to how they were which I’m happy about.

I know in my gut that nothing will ever happen given that she told me the other day that she didn’t want to lead me on but my heart still aches every day. I just can’t get her out my head. The days we hang out a lot I come home happy and vice versa. I know the best solution would probably be to cut ties but given we work together it’s hard. The other issue is that I have grown up all over the place and so don’t have many friends nearby and she has easily become my best friend.

I don’t really know what to do I just feel lost. I don;t know if I’m looking for advice or if I just wanted to get it off my chest a little but that’s my story. Thanks

 

[austenbosten]

Sorry to hear what you’re going through (you’re not alone). My advice, is to just cut ties off. Sure you will still see her, but take a long break from talking to her and get her out of your head. Here’s why:

1- You are not in love, but you are infatuated with this girl. (I know cause I had the same thing)

2- She doesn’t want to “lead you on” but she is, because she keeps talking with you despite her knowing the feelings you have for her (I know cause I had the same thing, but you also play a part because you keep talking to her)

3- For it to be love, the other person must love you --I’m talking about Romantic love-- she doesn’t love you…you’re not in love (I know cause I had the same thing)

4- You will only drive yourself nuts – litterally, like anti-depressants and all that garbage-- (I know cause I had the same thing)

but here’s the most important reason why

5- She’s not the one and the right one is still out there waiting for you. Ditch this girl and open your heart out to God to bring you together with your future wife. Trust me God does deliver (I know cause it has happened to me)

I’ll pray for you dude, I hope you can learn from my mistake and end this relationship with this girl before it brings you down to a cold and lowly state. Trust me, when you find the right girl you will Thank God that you never wasted yourself on this one. I know because I found the right girl and I thank God that I never ended up with the other girl who I thought I was “in love”

The right girl is out there for you. Just hang in there man.

 

[Marie1234]

Sorry to hear what you’re going through (you’re not alone). My advice, is to just cut ties off. Sure you will still see her, but take a long break from talking to her and get her out of your head. Here’s why:

1- You are not in love, but you are infatuated with this girl. (I know cause I had the same thing)

2- She doesn’t want to “lead you on” but she is, because she keeps talking with you despite her knowing the feelings you have for her (I know cause I had the same thing, but you also play a part because you keep talking to her)

3- For it to be love, the other person must love you --I’m talking about Romantic love-- she doesn’t love you…you’re not in love (I know cause I had the same thing)

4- You will only drive yourself nuts – litterally, like anti-depressants and all that garbage-- (I know cause I had the same thing)

but here’s the most important reason why

5- She’s not the one and the right one is still out there waiting for you. Ditch this girl and open your heart out to God to bring you together with your future wife. Trust me God does deliver (I know cause it has happened to me)

I’ll pray for you dude, I hope you can learn from my mistake and end this relationship with this girl before it brings you down to a cold and lowly state. Trust me, when you find the right girl you will Thank God that you never wasted yourself on this one. I know because I found the right girl and I thank God that I never ended up with the other girl who I thought I was “in love”

The right girl is out there for you. Just hang in there man.

I agree 100% with this post

You need to cut ties with her. You asked her out, it didn’t work out, and she doesn’t want to lead you on, so don’t let her. Go out and try to make some new acquaintances and friends. Try to get your mind off her. In time your wounds will heal.

Try to move on, unrequited love isn’t good for anyone involved.

God Bless you. Keep your head up and trust in God! The right girl is out there. She’s waiting for you .

Don’t give up!

 

[chevalier]

Duncan. I’ve been there, done that, got the scars. Same stuff, just a little older than you and possibly a tad more weirdness in the bio. The moment I read she was so great etc. (to put it in brief) but didn’t realise how great she was, I knew there’d be a problem. Basically, in my experience, that’s basically a bid red problem sign. Let her do her self-discovery and all sorts of finding out she needs to do. You just can’t do it for her.

As for letting go of it, you just need to deny yourself. As in, firmly realise that she has the right to make her decisions (even bad ones), to have and pursue her dreams, to be her own person. So when she doesn’t want it, then it won’t, can’t and actually shouldn’t be. (Because it’s that free will and gift of self which makes marriage and, to a lesser scale, a kind of gratuity like that makes relationships.) Of what little consolation this may seem to be, it also tends to mean that she’s simply not the girl for you, which should reduce your loss.

No passes on her when she doesn’t want it, no putting up a frame she’s unwilling to accept but too weak to resist, a no means a no. Which is difficult and which I personally struggle with, as in I always linger for a longer while in such cases myself, so I can understand the temptation. But that’s a blind route.

Good luck.

Edit: And don’t build up your hopes with women on a date that didn’t go well (or didn’t actually happen at all, meaning she didn’t accept to have a date, simply put) but didn’t go as bad as it could have. Wait for something that really goes well and learn to call bad things bad things.

Which is not to say you can’t tell the girl what you feel for her but don’t linger, don’t become soft-brained for her, don’t become her shadow or her let’s-just-be-friends friend or anything like that. (Which means pain for you.)

 

[DonaNobis_Pacem]

I’m a girl coming from where you’re at, OP. I was in a relationship for a little more than four months, also one of unrequited love; like you, I’m having trouble getting the guy out of my head, even though I know I have to move on. Pray each day to take this one step at a time…God will reach out and heal your emotional wounds, and in His time He will bring you to the woman you’re meant to love.

God bless and stay strong, friend.

 

[Fortiori]

This might sound cold, but you’ll get over it.

Cutting ties is fine advice, but now’s also a really great time to throw yourself into some kind of interesting and mentally challenging activity. You need to give your mind something else to obsess over.

And don’t worry if it takes a while

 

[1inICXC]

Good stuff CAF members! Some great and honest answers! Where were you when i was dating??..actually, where was I?!

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I’m a girl coming from where you’re at, OP. I was in a relationship for a little more than four months, also one of unrequited love; like you, I’m having trouble getting the guy out of my head, even though I know I have to move on. Pray each day to take this one step at a time…God will reach out and heal your emotional wounds, and in His time He will bring you to the woman you’re meant to love.

God bless and stay strong, friend.

Great post. I’m praying for you, Duncan, and I hope you find peace.

 

[duncan1984]

I just want to thank you all for your advice!!

It’s comforting to know that people have and are in the same boat as you and now matter how low you feel people and god are with you.

Two months have past since my original post and needless to say I took none of your advice on board thinking and hoping naively that I could change her feelings. I did try to initially cut her off just after Christmas but I really struggled to do this. She would message me asking why I wasn’t speaking to her and I would just blame it on being in a bad mood and we would end up, stupidly, doing something together.

I guess I am just looking for some more advice and maybe even this time I will listen to it. I feel that just now the only way that I will get over her is if I tell her how I’m feeling and that I just need some time apart. I guess that the reason I am worrying about this is that by doing this I will lose my best friend at a time in my life when I’m feeling as low as I’ve ever done. By saying this it will pretty much kill off any friendship. But I guess sometimes needs must!!

Anyway thanks for listening to me again!

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I just want to thank you all for your advice!!

It’s comforting to know that people have and are in the same boat as you and now matter how low you feel people and god are with you.

Two months have past since my original post and needless to say I took none of your advice on board thinking and hoping naively that I could change her feelings. I did try to initially cut her off just after Christmas but I really struggled to do this. She would message me asking why I wasn’t speaking to her and I would just blame it on being in a bad mood and we would end up, stupidly, doing something together.

I guess I am just looking for some more advice and maybe even this time I will listen to it. I feel that just now the only way that I will get over her is if I tell her how I’m feeling and that I just need some time apart. I guess that the reason I am worrying about this is that by doing this I will lose my best friend at a time in my life when I’m feeling as low as I’ve ever done. By saying this it will pretty much kill off any friendship. But I guess sometimes needs must!!

Anyway thanks for listening to me again!

Hi Duncan,
I think that you should break it off. I know that she is your “best friend,” but when you have such strong feelings that she doesn’t reciprocate, sometimes it’s best to move on and have a fresh start. Even though she is a good friend, start hanging out with other people, pray more, and try to realize that unrequited feelings may never become requited. She may just view you as a friend and nothing more. Find someone who is equally interested in you, and try to forget about this other girl. My two cents!

 

[chevalier]

I just want to thank you all for your advice!!

It’s comforting to know that people have and are in the same boat as you and now matter how low you feel people and god are with you.

Two months have past since my original post and needless to say I took none of your advice on board thinking and hoping naively that I could change her feelings. I did try to initially cut her off just after Christmas but I really struggled to do this. She would message me asking why I wasn’t speaking to her and I would just blame it on being in a bad mood and we would end up, stupidly, doing something together.

I guess I am just looking for some more advice and maybe even this time I will listen to it. I feel that just now the only way that I will get over her is if I tell her how I’m feeling and that I just need some time apart. I guess that the reason I am worrying about this is that by doing this I will lose my best friend at a time in my life when I’m feeling as low as I’ve ever done. By saying this it will pretty much kill off any friendship. But I guess sometimes needs must!!

Anyway thanks for listening to me again!

Conforming to a piece of advice or a realisation you recognise as good is still a gradual process. Humans have a way of being resistant to reason. It takes time.

Don’t use white lies, it just isn’t worth it. Tell her how things are and perhaps that’ll give her an opportunity to grow. I suspect we’re robbing people of their opportunities when we fail to tell them how things really are on the presumption that they would react ill or ill-react to it.

As for great friendships (which applies to great romantic relationships too, by the way), they’re hard to kill. They can be somewhat fragile, especially with people who are somewhat fragile, but normally it isn’t a great relationship if a bit of an emotional mess can kill it, e.g. a best friend not being capable of surviving a month without seeing each other. My best buddy is a close neighbour, you know, just two scores of stairs under, and sometimes we don’t see each other for weeks. In other ways, she may just be either a little whining but really capable of getting over it, or not really a close friend after all.

Also, it’s quite telling that a girl who wants to be nothing but your friend (in the modern shallow understanding of a friend) but shows withdrawal symptoms if you disappear for a while, as well being rather dependent on your being available to spend time with her. I don’t wanna play head doctor with limited data but in general terms, I guess we could suspect a bit of a turbulent past that will need some mending before she can act healthy in a relationship with a man.

For the record, I wouldn’t be surprised if she were to change her mind on what she wants from you but if that should happen, you’d need to consider if you want the relationship. There’d be heavy pressure to give it to her, even if desiring freedom from her in your heart. Faced with the dilemma, you should probably choose freedom.