Lost, Lonely, and Hopeless

[NewSeeker]

Ok, maybe it’s not always that bad, but that’s how I’m feeling right now. I am a very conflicted person. I suffer from bouts of anxiety on a (mostly) daily basis over my ongoing spiritual crisis. I became a Catholic in 2008, but have struggled ever since. Becoming a Catholic was my last, desperate attempt to feel something, anything, spiritual. I was raised LDS and the constant hammering to “feel the spirit” really worked me over and did a number on me. To this day, I have never felt God’s presence, ever. But that’s not even the most significant issue I face. My wife and sons are LDS and did not follow me into Catholicism. At first I had hope that maybe my decision would pique my wife’s curiosity, but she’s just too influenced by Mormon cultural pressures that have convinced her that if she leaves the church our two sons will become confused, they’ll go wild, start using drugs, our family will be punished, I’ll lose my job, etc. etc. Those who were Mormons will know exactly what I’m talking about. On top of that, she doesn’t really care about church or religion or theology. For her it’s all about going to a place with good values that will teach our boys good principles. Sunday school is good enough; she forcefully insists that our boys go to their classes, but will then sit in the car doing makeup or reading something or talking on the cell phone, instead of going to classes for herself. Going to sacrament meeting only happens if we all happen to get up and out the door on time, which is virtually never, even if if the main worship service is in the afternoon. She just doesn’t really care about anything else but making sure our kids have friends with good values and get moral instruction. One church is just as good as the next. My conversion to Catholicism is intellectual, based on a careful review of the evidence. Such things don’t speak to my wife at all. She couldn’t care less whether God is triune or is the Mormon god who is an embodied, resurrected man. She also vehemently opposed to the Church’s strict position on contraception. I must admit that I have problems with it too. I broached NFP with her once and she looked at me like I’d turned green and sprouted antennae. Her view comes from her utter fear of getting pregnant. We’re in our 40s and she has had several surgeries for her reproductive health and she is paranoid of ever becoming pregnant again. Even if an individual priest might give us a pass, she views the Church’s official position on contraception as an intolerant, un-Christian teaching when it comes to people like her. I can’t say that I disagree with her basic point. So I struggle. For a while I even went down the Eastern Orthodox road, actually becoming a catechumen, hoping my wife would be interested enough to look into that with me. But to no avail. Now I’m stuck at the crossroads, looking East and West, unable to choose, since I truly am alone in this journey and I see merit in both positions. On top of all of this, my younger sister and closest (in age and affection) aunt are both gay. I’ve seen how they’ve struggled and were tortured for years to make relationships with men work. I’m suspicious of assertions in their case that their homosexuality is a choice. This is very hard for me. I must also admit that the sexual abuse scandal in the Church drives me crazy. It’s embarrassing. I’m still such a new Catholic and I hate mentioning my conversion to anyone I’m close to because that’s always the first thing that comes up. Hardly any of my life-long friends from childhood and later friends from college/grad school know. All of the latter are atheists and/or lapsed Catholics who usually mock religion. I don’t have any Catholic friends except here on the forum. I never go to Sunday mass for family reasons, so it’s hard to get to know people. Anytime I merely suggest that, maybe, I can try to go to mass, just this once honey, please, she gets horribly upset. She really does fear for our sons and the impact it will have on them. She has asked me point blank to pretend to be a believing Mormon for the sake of my sons. To my shame, I have partly honored this request - not pretending to be Mormon, with all that entails, but pretending that I’m not anything else - especially that I’m not a Catholic [the horror!]. My older boy knows better and has asked me if I’m a Catholic [he’s seen the books laying around], but I just shook my head and told him “I’m nothing; I just love my family”. He asked that question just last week while we were walking in front of the Vatican on our way to the museums and the Sistine Chapel. I blew it!!! I’m so ashamed. What an opportunity that could have been and I let it slip throught my fingers, only because I dread how upset my wife gets. I’m in crisis right now because that experience of visiting the Vatican and St. Peter’s Basilica brought home with huge impact how much I miss the eucharist, how much I love the beauty and glory of Catholicism - Christ’s church!, even if I still do find the Orthodox Divine Liturgy to be even more stunningly beautiful and drenched in scripture.

[continued below]

 

[NewSeeker]

I’m a mess right now. I want God. I want to feed on the divine presence in the Eucharist. But I literally have to tiptoe about, be sneaky, lie to my sons, to do it. It’s killing me. It’s so much easier to just forget it all, to just go back to being an atheist. But I keep getting pulled back in emotionally and intellectually! This has to be God. It’s the only answer. My atheist friends will tell me it’s just the god gene and my Mormon brainwashing. It doesn’t matter. I can’t stay away from Christ and just want to go to Mass. I’m suffering from an intense longing, an unrequited love for Christian worship. Following where my heart leads alienates my wife, however. I love her. I don’t want her to be upset. My sons don’t know anything much at all about God or Jesus. I’m not teaching them and my wife only teaches them about being a good person, going to sunday school, and saying a basic Mormon prayer now and then, just to maintain the cultural ties. What do I do. I’m weak and can’t (won’t?) force the issue for my family. Our relationship can be strained at times and I fear what might happen if I put my foot down and tell her I’m going to mass - “you’re on your own with the boys today, honey, I’m going to mass, not to church with you.” She literally freaks out when I even slightly move in that direction, no matter how lovingly I say it. What do I do.

 

[serviichristii]

I’m a mess right now. I want God. I want to feed on the divine presence in the Eucharist. But I literally have to tiptoe about, be sneaky, lie to my sons, to do it. It’s killing me. It’s so much easier to just forget it all, to just go back to being an atheist. But I keep getting pulled back in emotionally and intellectually! This has to be God. It’s the only answer. My atheist friends will tell me it’s just the god gene and my Mormon brainwashing. It doesn’t matter. I can’t stay away from Christ and just want to go to Mass. I’m suffering from an intense longing, an unrequited love for Christian worship. Following where my heart leads alienates my wife, however. I love her. I don’t want her to be upset. My sons don’t know anything much at all about God or Jesus. I’m not teaching them and my wife only teaches them about being a good person, going to sunday school, and saying a basic Mormon prayer now and then, just to maintain the cultural ties. What do I do. I’m weak and can’t (won’t?) force the issue for my family. Our relationship can be strained at times and I fear what might happen if I put my foot down and tell her I’m going to mass - “you’re on your own with the boys today, honey, I’m going to mass, not to church with you.” She literally freaks out when I even slightly move in that direction, no matter how lovingly I say it. What do I do.

i cannot imagine the suffering you encounter. its easy for me to say persevere because i am not in your situation; but just remember this: every time you go to Mass you invite UNIMAGINABLE graces to your family.
Trust God; it is hard and sometimes you just want to give up, but God will always be there. Even if you fail him, he will always be waiting for you. And your sons have their whole lives to learn about him. Just keep praying that he will show Himself to them in His true nature.
You will be in my prayers I promise. Can i get a name? (it can be a fake name if you want). A name helps me so much when i pray for someone.

 

[someoneorother]

I’m praying, but I also feel the need to share a daily reflection site with you, because I feel it might be pertinent, as reading the first couple lines of your original post made me think of it for some reason: saintjohnsabbey.org/reflection

I think it was the part of not ever feeling the presence of God that you mentioned that made me think of the writings on that site, as there have been reflections that have dealt with that–about how the presence of God isn’t always in the grand way we imagine it, but can sometimes just be in the little things we enjoy.

Peace be with you.

 

[heart4home]

I’m so sorry for your interior struggles. You are in a difficult place in many ways.

I’m curious though as to how you ever managed to attend RCIA to convert. I mean didn’t you need to attend classes and Mass then? DId your wife just have a sudden change in your attending?

I will pray for you. It sounds like you have some deeper marital issues than you are admitting if you really feel the need to sneak and hide what you are doing or feeling from your wife.

I wonder though if your wife doesn’t take you serious because of your own seeming ambivalence.

I’d suggest you two have a heart to heart where you lay it on the table and if necessary seek a third party to help you communicate what you are feeling and work through it as a couple. If your wife truly loves you, then your distress over this should concern her. Perhaps she is not understanding your despair over all of this.

 

[Dorothy]

“Newseeker”

Do not give up! With Our Lord Jesus Christ all things are possible. Pray for the strength to have the backbone to peacefully stand up for your faithj and act upon it. Pray to not be cowed by your unbelieving wife. Pray for her also.

Your desire to receive the Eucharist is the Holy Spirit leading you to the fullness of Truth. Pray for holy priests to explain your plight to and they can guide you and encourage you. Pray to not be discouraged.

Scandals are everywhere, and the scandals in the Church do not eclipse the truth of what the Church teaches!
There are many saints in the Church, those we know about and those who are hidden and we will know in heaven. They prove to us what the grace of God can do!

Ask the Lord to send people into your life who can support the same beliefs you have. Keep seeking and you WILL find.

God is infinitely good, and He loves you and your family!

Ask Blessed Mother to help with her powerful intercession.

I will pray for you also.

 

[NewSeeker]

Serviichristi – my name is Andrew. That’s my real name. Thank you for your prayers.

Someoneorother - thank you for the reflection site. Today’s reflection was on how God speaks to us through beauty. Last week I toured the Vatican museums and St. Peter’s Basilica. The beauty present everywhere was literally overwhelming, stunningly obvious to me even through the throngs of tourists snapping pictures and making noise. The reflection you shared is helpful. Thank you.

Heart4home – I did attend RCIA. My wife even went to the very first class and attended the Easter Vigil when I was baptized. It was all hush hush and secret, of course. Her Mormon mom watched our boys, who thought we were out on a date. I know she loves me and she said that’s why she went with me, but she is motivated by her worries about what might happen to our sons if they learn that I really did leave the Mormon church. My wife told me a few months back that she was hoping it was just a phase. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. I am through with Mormonism and was nearly through with Jesus, until I was rescued. My wife has also said several times that once the boys are out of the house I can go do whatever I want. That’s something that makes me go “hmmm…” but I know she doesn’t mean “I don’t care if you go or stay”. I really do think all of her issues with my Catholicism are rooted in her fears for our boys.

Dorothy – thank you for the encouragement and prayers. It means a lot to me. It’s kind of funny in a way, but even though I grew up as an anti-Catholic mormon, I had no problem at all asking the Blessed Mother for intercession. I carry a rosary with me in my pocket all the time. I bought a new one in Ommeramergau in Bavaria last week, a nice wooden one with beads on a thick string, not on a chain. The town puts on a passion play every 10 years, the entire village serves as the cast – or so I’m told. I love having a rosary from such a devoutly Catholic place. The houses are so quaint and charming, decorated with idyllic scenes and Christian iconography. Between Rome and Bavaria, I was surrounded by Catholic art and beauty. This is what has prompted this intense longing within me to reconnect with Christ through the Eucharist. It’s like God was speaking to me directly, hitting me over the head, to finally resolve this spiritual problem of mine. It is my prayer intention to find good Catholic friends and to find a way to attend mass regularly without alienating my wife. I’ll be sure to specifically ask for the Blessed Mother’s intercession so that I may obtain both in the Lord’s time. Thanks for the advice.

 

[Dorothy]

NewSeeker,

Thank you for your response. You and your family will have my prayers.

Do not fear alienating your wife. Jesus needs to be on the pedestal at all times.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m a mess right now. I want God. I want to feed on the divine presence in the Eucharist. But I literally have to tiptoe about, be sneaky, lie to my sons, to do it. It’s killing me. It’s so much easier to just forget it all, to just go back to being an atheist. But I keep getting pulled back in emotionally and intellectually! This has to be God. It’s the only answer. My atheist friends will tell me it’s just the god gene and my Mormon brainwashing. It doesn’t matter. I can’t stay away from Christ and just want to go to Mass. I’m suffering from an intense longing, an unrequited love for Christian worship. Following where my heart leads alienates my wife, however. I love her. **I don’t want her to be upset. ** My sons don’t know anything much at all about God or Jesus. I’m not teaching them and my wife only teaches them about being a good person, going to sunday school, and saying a basic Mormon prayer now and then, just to maintain the cultural ties. What do I do. I’m weak and can’t (won’t?) force the issue for my family. Our relationship can be strained at times and I fear what might happen if I put my foot down and tell her I’m going to mass - “you’re on your own with the boys today, honey, I’m going to mass, not to church with you.” She literally freaks out when I even slightly move in that direction, no matter how lovingly I say it. What do I do.

You are consumed by fear, my friend, my brother in Christ. Not being a Mormon, but hearing a lot about it on this forum, I think you will find help by talking to other ex-Mormons here. There is a group, I believe. They can help you with some of these fears that you have.

But regardless of what the basis of the fear is, remember:

For God hath not given us the spirit of fear: but of power, and of love, and of sobriety. 2 Timothy 1:7

Fear comes from Satan, not Jesus Christ. You need the power of the Eucharist to help you fight the Evil One’s lies. Right now, you are giving in to all of your fears, and in the process, leaving your sons floundering. You MUST tell the truth, first and foremost. Whatever response your wife has, is her responsibility, but you are losing your own integrity by carrying on this double life. All your sons have right now is like gauze. It’s some sort of faith, but there are huge holes in it, and they are old enough to recognize it. They KNOW that you are lying, believe me. It comes through. Their father cannot be in this kind of distress and not have it come through somehow. They may not know exactly what is going on, but they can sense it.

I believe that when you take the first step toward integrity, you will feel so much stronger. Go spend some time in front of the Blessed Sacrament, and go to confession for lying. You are denying the Lord to your children, like Peter did when Jesus was taken away. Your pain will cease when you confess this and surrender to the truth of Jesus.

You are anticipating your wife’s response, and it might happen that way, and then again, it might not. You have to do what you know is right, regardless of her response.

We’re with you in spirit. I will pray for you.

 

[jwakja]

God IS with you all the time and watches how you deal with the problems He has asked you to confront. For me, I’m often confronted with the same type of feelings you have and must “dig deep” to realize that God is testing me and wanting me to ask for His help and rely on Him. He IS there with us every second. Pray and turn your attention to Him not others who reject Him.

 

[Tampa_Dave]

I encourage you to attend Mass for pure spiritual gratification. Additionally, I suggest you meet other Catholics by joining a Catholic ‘group’ at your local parish. Face to face encounters with fellow Catholics may help. Discourse at an on-line forum is obviously quite limited in comparison to actual conversations you may have with others in your parish.

 

[NewSeeker]

Thank you TheRealJuliane, jwakja, and Tampa Dave. I think what I really need to hear is that I am lying to my sons - and to myself! It’s true. I do fear what will happen. My older boy is curious about Catholics. Already, I’ve had to counter anti-Catholic statements he’s heard during Sunday School and I know he wonders about me and why I don’t participate in the Mormon church on Sundays. I’m there on Sundays with my family, but I don’t attend services or any meetings. I sit on a couch in the foyer. My boys are smart. I know they know something’s up. Now is the time to quit waffling and stand up for what I believe in. I pray for strength to withstand the results of my wife’s own fear. Lord have mercy. It seems such an easy thing to say right now - “honey, I’m going to mass today”. But on Sunday, when the time comes, I usually just clam up, hang my head (on the inside), and go along with family expectations to avoid any problems or battles. Sundays are always the worst day of the week, as a result. This must stop, now, before it’s too late for my boys and they grow to loathe anything to do with church, religion, Jesus, etc., because their parents are at odds. Ugh. Ok. Next Sunday, I will gently force the issue and let my wife know that I"m going to the 11am mass while the family is in their Mormon sunday school classes. She depends on me to make the boys go with her, since they resist her every time she says “time for church”. I do feel like I need to help my boys see that, no matter if they would rather stay home and play video games, they need to respect their mother and do this for her (even if it kills me to see them go).

Thanks, all, for the prayers and advice. It really is helpful.

 

[Irishmom2]

I never go to Sunday mass for family reasons, so it’s hard to get to know people. Anytime I merely suggest that, maybe, I can try to go to mass, just this once honey, please, she gets horribly upset. Then let her get horribly upset.She really does fear for our sons and the impact it will have on them. She has asked me point blank to pretend to be a believing Mormon for the sake of my sons. That is just wrong.To my shame, I have partly honored this request - not pretending to be Mormon, with all that entails, but pretending that I’m not anything else - especially that I’m not a Catholic [the horror!]. My older boy knows better and has asked me if I’m a Catholic [he’s seen the books laying around], but I just shook my head and told him “I’m nothing; I just love my family”. He asked that question just last week while we were walking in front of the Vatican on our way to the museums and the Sistine Chapel. I blew it!!! I’m so ashamed. What an opportunity that could have been and I let it slip throught my fingers, only because I dread how upset my wife gets. Let her get upset then. You cannot go tiptoeing around her anymore. I’m in crisis right now because that experience of visiting the Vatican and St. Peter’s Basilica brought home with huge impact how much I miss the eucharist, how much I love the beauty and glory of Catholicism - Christ’s church!, even if I still do find the Orthodox Divine Liturgy to be even more stunningly beautiful and drenched in scripture.

[continued below]

I know this is going to sound strange, but you need to stop worrying about what others think, or believe or how they live their lives and focus on yours. You need to fulfill YOUR hearts yearning for God as you know him, not as your Mormon family knows him. If your wife has a problem with that, it should be her problem to sort out, not something that should keep you from going to mass or leading your life as a Catholic. The secrecy must stop. But neither do I think that you have to have all the answers right now or that you have to go out and tell others they are wrong because they think and believe differently.

Please be honest with your sons when they ask you about being Catholic. It is good that they know the truth about you. Tell your wife you are going to mass and that she has a few choices. Take the boys by herself, let you take them to mass with you, or she can come with you and the boys to mass. I don’t know why she is “the boss of you” as far as what you are able to do anyway. No way my husband is going to tell me I can’t go to mass. Don’t wait to announce it on Sunday. Tell her ahead of time that you have made a decision and you want her to know that you are going to mass on Sunday and that you will no longer hide it like it is a crime. Also have a discussion with your children so they can see your side of things and not just get to hear your wife’s version of how people worship.

You have been to some truly awesomely Catholic places recently. I don’t think it was a coincidence. God is calling you to go deeper into your faith–and that might mean for you to be honest and to be faithful to where you belong.

Will it be easy? No. But you will be much more satisfied and at peace in your heart for your truthfulness and have the freedom to practice your faith. You may want to read the conversion stories of Scott and Kimberly Hahn. It may be helpful to see what others have gone through.

May God bless you and guide you. And may He give you the strength you will need to see this journey through.

 

[NewSeeker]

I know this is going to sound strange, but you need to stop worrying about what others think, or believe or how they live their lives and focus on yours. You need to fulfill YOUR hearts yearning for God as you know him, not as your Mormon family knows him. If your wife has a problem with that, it should be her problem to sort out, not something that should keep you from going to mass or leading your life as a Catholic. The secrecy must stop. But neither do I think that you have to have all the answers right now or that you have to go out and tell others they are wrong because they think and believe differently.

Please be honest with your sons when they ask you about being Catholic. It is good that they know the truth about you. Tell your wife you are going to mass and that she has a few choices. Take the boys by herself, let you take them to mass with you, or she can come with you and the boys to mass. I don’t know why she is “the boss of you” as far as what you are able to do anyway. No way my husband is going to tell me I can’t go to mass. Don’t wait to announce it on Sunday. Tell her ahead of time that you have made a decision and you want her to know that you are going to mass on Sunday and that you will no longer hide it like it is a crime. Also have a discussion with your children so they can see your side of things and not just get to hear your wife’s version of how people worship.

You have been to some truly awesomely Catholic places recently. I don’t think it was a coincidence. God is calling you to go deeper into your faith–and that might mean for you to be honest and to be faithful to where you belong.

Will it be easy? No. But you will be much more satisfied and at peace in your heart for your truthfulness and have the freedom to practice your faith. You may want to read the conversion stories of Scott and Kimberly Hahn. It may be helpful to see what others have gone through.

May God bless you and guide you. And may He give you the strength you will need to see this journey through.

Thank you, Irishmom. I went to daily mass today, the first time I’ve been to mass in months! I’m lucky; work on an Army post and we have daily mass a short 2 min walk from my office. I have no excuse, really. It does come down to my giving in to feelings of hopelessness given my situation and frustration knowing my faith bothers my wife. I know where those feelings come from. Not surprisingly, they arise more forcefully, and sudden ‘distractions’ emerge, right at the moment when I’ve made up my mind to go to mass. It happened again this morning. But I made it to mass! I feel so much better. My wife did ask where I was. It took a bit to finally get it out, but I told her. Mass…the horror! She took it ok, except someone from the Mormon congregation walked past us and she got really embarrassed and tried to change the subject. That’s the source of the big secret she wants me to keep…her embarrassment at church at having an apostate husband who has joined “The Great and Abominable Church”, “The Whore of Babylon”. Yes, that used to be the official Mormon teaching and there are plenty of Mormons who still think that. Grrr…

You’re right - recent visits to ‘awesomely Catholic’ places have really lit a fire in me. I know that fire comes from God. I’m so lucky to have this opportunity to live in this part of the world right now. The cathedral in Speyer is just 15 min away from my house, Strasbourg’s cathedral is an hour, and Cologne, where the Shrine of the 3 Kings is located, is only 2.5 hours away. I have yet to visit Cologne. I’ve also recently visited Notre Dame and Chartres. Truly, those were amazing, awesome experiences! Here I am in the midst of all of this Catholic history and beauty and I’m just sitting here feeling sorry for myself, worrying about what folks think about me for having the nerve to practice my Catholic faith. We’re likely only going to be here until August and I’ve wasted so much time worrying!

Thanks for your reply and prayers. They are greatly appreciated!

 

[Irishmom2]

Thank you, Irishmom. I went to daily mass today, the first time I’ve been to mass in months! Good for you! I’m lucky; work on an Army post and we have daily mass a short 2 min walk from my office. I have no excuse, really. It does come down to my giving in to feelings of hopelessness given my situation and frustration knowing my faith bothers my wife. I know where those feelings come from. Not surprisingly, they arise more forcefully, and sudden ‘distractions’ emerge, right at the moment when I’ve made up my mind to go to mass. It happened again this morning. But I made it to mass! I feel so much better. My wife did ask where I was. It took a bit to finally get it out, but I told her. Mass…the horror! She took it ok, See? The world did not come to an end for her or for you! except someone from the Mormon congregation walked past us and she got really embarrassed and tried to change the subject. That’s the source of the big secret she wants me to keep…her embarrassment at church at having an apostate husband who has joined “The Great and Abominable Church”, “The Whore of Babylon”. Yes, that used to be the official Mormon teaching and there are plenty of Mormons who still think that. Grrr… Again, that is their problem. Just ignore them. What kind of Christians would say that about anyone? They are not worth worrying about.

You’re right - recent visits to ‘awesomely Catholic’ places have really lit a fire in me. I know that fire comes from God. I’m so lucky to have this opportunity to live in this part of the world right now. The cathedral in Speyer is just 15 min away from my house, Are you kidding me? Tons of people would give their eye teeth to be in your shoes! Get thee to the cathedral! I would be there several times a week! Strasbourg’s cathedral is an hour, and Cologne, where the Shrine of the 3 Kings is located, is only 2.5 hours away. I have yet to visit Cologne. I’ve also recently visited Notre Dame and Chartres. Truly, those were amazing, awesome experiences! Here I am in the midst of all of this Catholic history and beauty and I’m just sitting here feeling sorry for myself, Ya think?** worrying about what folks think about me for having the nerve to practice my Catholic faith. ** Read that again. You are worrying about what virtual strangers to you think…We’re likely only going to be here until August and I’ve wasted so much time worrying! Give all of your worries to our Lord. He will not lead you astray.

Thanks for your reply and prayers. They are greatly appreciated!

 

[ubcgirl]

I haven’t read through all the responses yet, so I hope I’m not repeating anything! Though I’ve always gotten good advice from this board, so I may very well be repeating.

I recently returned to Catholicism - and though I am single, its put a big empty hole in my social life. I’d distanced myself from atheist friends because they were living lives that made me uncomfortable to see and hear about, and since my return to the church, my Protestant friends have slowly disappeared, and the few times we do text, its different. So I completely understand the loneliness, though I imagine your situation is a lot tougher since it sounds like your wife and children are not interested in Catholicism.

I suggest you be faithful to God - even if it is quietly without open discussion with your family, at least if they are unwilling to hear it. To be Catholic in this day in age is difficult - the modern world goes completely against everything the church teaches.

Do you have an Adoration Chapel nearby? I have found that going once or twice a week to be really helpful. Pour your heart out to God. If there is a prayer box, write down your prayers, and the priests of your church will pray over the prayer requests. Also, if you can meet with your priest regularly as a spiritual advisor/director, that may give you someone to talk to about these struggles.

If all else fails, pray for faith and courage. Freely give your burdens to the Lord, and he will serve you well. I don’t think God would ever ignore a plea for more faith - it sort of goes against his desire for intimacy with you!

I wish you the best. I will say a prayer for you.

Edited to add: If you’ve watched the series Catholicism, I found the one on Saints to be really helpful!

 

[NewSeeker]

I haven’t read through all the responses yet, so I hope I’m not repeating anything! Though I’ve always gotten good advice from this board, so I may very well be repeating.

I recently returned to Catholicism - and though I am single, its put a big empty hole in my social life. I’d distanced myself from atheist friends because they were living lives that made me uncomfortable to see and hear about, and since my return to the church, my Protestant friends have slowly disappeared, and the few times we do text, its different. So I completely understand the loneliness, though I imagine your situation is a lot tougher since it sounds like your wife and children are not interested in Catholicism.

I suggest you be faithful to God - even if it is quietly without open discussion with your family, at least if they are unwilling to hear it. To be Catholic in this day in age is difficult - the modern world goes completely against everything the church teaches.

Do you have an Adoration Chapel nearby? I have found that going once or twice a week to be really helpful. Pour your heart out to God. If there is a prayer box, write down your prayers, and the priests of your church will pray over the prayer requests. Also, if you can meet with your priest regularly as a spiritual advisor/director, that may give you someone to talk to about these struggles.

If all else fails, pray for faith and courage. Freely give your burdens to the Lord, and he will serve you well. I don’t think God would ever ignore a plea for more faith - it sort of goes against his desire for intimacy with you!

I wish you the best. I will say a prayer for you.

Edited to add: If you’ve watched the series Catholicism, I found the one on Saints to be really helpful!

UBCgirl, thank you for the advice and prayer. I just need to focus on living my Christian life quietly and faithfully. I know that is the key. I have not seen the Catholicism series yet, but it is in the mail! I ordered it last week and hope to receive it soon.

 

[Dorothy]

UBCgirl, thank you for the advice and prayer. I just need to focus on living my Christian life quietly and faithfully. I know that is the key. I have not seen the Catholicism series yet, but it is in the mail! I ordered it last week and hope to receive it soon.

The Catholicism series is awesome! Father Robert Barron is a gifted teacher.

 

[Musician]

I’m a mess right now. I want God. I want to feed on the divine presence in the Eucharist. But I literally have to tiptoe about, be sneaky, lie to my sons, to do it. It’s killing me. It’s so much easier to just forget it all, to just go back to being an atheist. But I keep getting pulled back in emotionally and intellectually! This has to be God. It’s the only answer. My atheist friends will tell me it’s just the god gene and my Mormon brainwashing. It doesn’t matter. I can’t stay away from Christ and just want to go to Mass. I’m suffering from an intense longing, an unrequited love for Christian worship. Following where my heart leads alienates my wife, however. I love her. I don’t want her to be upset. My sons don’t know anything much at all about God or Jesus. I’m not teaching them and my wife only teaches them about being a good person, going to sunday school, and saying a basic Mormon prayer now and then, just to maintain the cultural ties. What do I do. I’m weak and can’t (won’t?) force the issue for my family. Our relationship can be strained at times and I fear what might happen if I put my foot down and tell her I’m going to mass - “you’re on your own with the boys today, honey, I’m going to mass, not to church with you.” She literally freaks out when I even slightly move in that direction, no matter how lovingly I say it. What do I do.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It must be very difficult…hugs…
As a convert, I can relate to the intense hunger for real, authentic worship. This is indeed the Holy Spirit calling you. IMO you should stay very close to the sacraments and pray daily; do not mistake emotions for faith, they have nothing to do with each other. How you feel is not a spiritual barometer at this point. You are torn in opposite directions, rather.
My advice is: come out into the open even if your wife doesn’t approve, but then keep your new-found faith humble and simple. Your wife may never come to the faith and you need to figure out what to do in that eventuality. However, take care of YOURSELF spiritually! Maybe you can find a different time to go to Mass…? Can you just kiss her and disappear…?
Pray for your wife every day. My husband, a former atheist, came to the faith in 2006 after 20 years of marriage and praying. Now he is zealous! Miracles can and do happen.
I will keep you in my prayers…

 

[Irishmom2]

Pray for your wife every day. My husband, a former atheist, came to the faith in 2006 after 20 years of marriage and praying. Now he is zealous! Miracles can and do happen.

Though the rest of your post was also good, I think this part might be very encouraging for the OP.