Lost my conviction/faith; still some hope: Your advice? Free learning resources?

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ethereality

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My problems have “progressed”: I no longer have conviction that the Catholic Church is correct. I still have some hope, or perhaps still believe, since I’m still going to Mass on Sunday, Confession on Saturday, trying to refrain from sin, still reading the Lectionary every day, and I still dart out small thoughts to God, in petition, thanksgiving, or complaint. I’m also beginning to dislike going to Mass and Confession, because the liturgy is poor, the homily teaches me nothing, the Eucharist appears as bread, and my penances and conversations with the priest appear inconsequential. (And no, I don’t have the option of going anywhere else or speaking to anyone else. I am in Japan and I have no money.)

But I can no longer convince myself that God will heal or help me or anyone else, that the Catholic Church is correct. My life seems absurd, and I cannot reconcile my suffering with the Church’s teaching that God loves me as a Father. Consequently I am depressed and I sometimes wish I were dead. (Luke 23:29-30 seems to apply.) Americans’ money is being stolen and given to people killing fetuses? Part of me says, “Good. Maybe God will do something about it. If it offends God, let Him do something about it.” I am reminded of those mocking, “Come down from the cross, if you are the Son of God!” (Mark 15:30, Matthew 27:40) Christians are being martyred and we have a shortage of priests? “Good. They might be going to a better place, and let Christianity cease if it is false – or let God do something about it.” Of course I’m doing what I can to help better society, but I can’t really get upset. If God’s letting them do it, why should I get upset if I can’t persuade them to stop?

Basically, I am now agnostic living somewhat like a Christian. I think atheism is more plausible. I think I have exhausted the learning resources of “Catholic Answers Live” (and most of EWTN), except for when they have guest scholars on (e.g. historians). I am interested in learning history – it seems the last possible place to find God (I’m sick of sitting in front of the Tabernacle with its dinky electric fake-candle in a cold, silent church), but I am also sick of studying, looking for a hiding deity. Bart Ehrman also took this route and apparently became confirmed in his agnosticism. More problematic, I have precious little free time and no money.

I have thought about creating YouTube videos voicing the problems I see with every philosophical proof I’ve studied regarding God’s existence (e.g. the fine-tuning argument misunderstands our descriptions of the universe as laws of the universe, assumes that our constants are actually ‘embedded in the fabric of reality’ – in short, it assumes our scientific theories are absolute knowledge rather than approximate models) and posting links to here and other social media sites requesting feedback, hoping to progress that way, but it seems a waste of time. (And to preclude another potential recommendation: I’ve been discouraged from calling Trent Horn on “Catholic Answers Live” because of “the limitations of live radio”: They don’t want to go into depth on serious objections.)

What is your advice? Would you recommend free learning resources?
 
It’s time to pray to Mama Mary and beg her to give you some answers. Don’t forget to give alms to the poor and make some fasting to hasten the answer of your prayers by Mama Mary

You can watch lots of conversion stories by atheists/agnostics in Youtube. You will know their reasons why they left their atheism for Roman Catholicism

You can start with Roy Schoeman
youtube.com/watch?v=WeDzSfquYcs

Also for a list of atheism converts to Catholicism you can go to:
youtube.com/results?search_query=journey+home+atheist
 
ethereality said:
What is your advice? Would you recommend free learning resources?
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Faith is a supernatural gift and requires a state of grace to sustain. Catechism

Faith is a grace

153 When St. Peter confessed that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the living God, Jesus declared to him that this revelation did not come “from flesh and blood”, but from “my Father who is in heaven”.24 Faith is a gift of God, a supernatural virtue infused by him. "Before this faith can be exercised, man must have the grace of God to move and assist him; he must have the interior helps of the Holy Spirit, who moves the heart and converts it to God, who opens the eyes of the mind and ‘makes it easy for all to accept and believe the truth.’"25

Faith is a human act

154 Believing is possible only by grace and the interior helps of the Holy Spirit. But it is no less true that believing is an authentically human act. Trusting in God and cleaving to the truths he has revealed is contrary neither to human freedom nor to human reason. Even in human relations it is not contrary to our dignity to believe what other persons tell us about themselves and their intentions, or to trust their promises (for example, when a man and a woman marry) to share a communion of life with one another. If this is so, still less is it contrary to our dignity to “yield by faith the full submission of. . . intellect and will to God who reveals”,26 and to share in an interior communion with him.

155 In faith, the human intellect and will cooperate with divine grace: "Believing is an act of the intellect assenting to the divine truth by command of the will moved by God through grace."27

2088 The first commandment requires us to nourish and protect our faith with prudence and vigilance, and to reject everything that is opposed to it. There are various ways of sinning against faith:
* Voluntary doubt about the faith disregards or refuses to hold as true what God has revealed and the Church proposes for belief. * Involuntary doubt refers to hesitation in believing, difficulty in overcoming objections connected with the faith, or also anxiety aroused by its obscurity. If deliberately cultivated doubt can lead to spiritual blindness. * 2089 Incredulity is the neglect of revealed truth or the willful refusal to assent to it. * “Heresy is the obstinate post-baptismal denial of some truth which must be believed with divine and catholic faith, or it is likewise an obstinate doubt concerning the same; * apostasy is the total repudiation of the Christian faith; * schism is the refusal of submission to the Roman Pontiff or of communion with the members of the Church subject to him.”
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Sounds like Satan is attacking you.

There is more than one reason we can suffer, even spiritual sufferings like the ones you are going through.

Keep fighting.

Read St. Faustina’s Diary if you haven’t read it yet. It will help you to understand suffering for the salvation of souls.

Are you offering your sufferings in unison with Christ’s Passion for the salvation of souls?

God loves you and He will not abandon you. You are at war against Satan and his angels. They can do 3 things:

They can manipulate our thoughts
Manipulate our FEELINGS (for instance - the FEELING that the Holy Eucharist is just bread)
Manipulate our imagination

Our Guardian Angels can do the same things. You have a Guardian Angel. In this time of need and distress, I think you should talk to them about your doubts and these thoughts you are having. They can help you. Have Faith.

The Holy Spirit will work through His Holy Angels. He will also help you directly. Talk to Him all the time. Say “Holy Spirit, I love you and I trust you. Please help me. I am having doubts and bad thoughts. I need you.In Jesus Name I pray.” He loves you more than you love Him.

If you fall into mortal sin, this is going to get very dangerous. Do NOT start committing grave sins. Keep fighting and God will get you through this. He loves you and His mercy is infinite. His mercy is from age to age to those who fear Him.

You are in trouble and you need help. Pray until you get help from God.

I love you

I salute you
I salute your Guardian Angel

God loves you. He does. We are at war with Satan and his angels. We will have to fight spiritual darkness. It is hard, I know, but keep fighting and praying.
 
As someone who loses and regains their faith on a nearly continuous basis, I assure you that the Church remains true even we do not. Some days, it is much easier to feel and operate like an atheist or agnostic. The world certainly prefers it.

I recommend checking out the Catholic blogosphere. It was invaluable to me when I reverted five years ago, after three decades of whatever-ism. Little Catholic Bubble is a great place to start. All sorts of Catholics struggling with all sorts of things, practicing their faith in myriad ways. Also, reading conversion stories made me realize what I treasure I had in Catholicism.

You are not alone.

Leila Miller
littlecatholicbubble.blogspot.com/

*Pascals’ Wager: *It is in one’s own best interest to behave as if God exists, since the possibility of eternal punishment in hell outweighs any advantage of believing otherwise.
**
 
I have always had faith in God, I was raised by parents who were once faithful Catholics, but left the church during the upheaval of the mid-late 1960’s. I have struggled all my life with church. I tried to revert back to Catholic as a teen and most recently as a 50+ year old adult. I was never able to be received back into the Roman Catholic church. I didn’t recognize it, it didn’t recognize me. I am an Eastern Catholic because my husband converted. We both had tried to become Eastern Orthodox, this was the compromise.

I worry about people like me, and you, who seek God everywhere but do not find Him. He is with me, always, however. I met Him in a tabernacle that was set to the side by the pews in a Catholic church. He gave me strength to continue my struggle to enter the church. I met Him in the Eucharist at my current parish. I still visit an Eastern Orthodox parish, and attend a similar Liturgy at a Byzantine Catholic mission. I have searched for this ancient faith my whole life.

Pray. Stay focused on God. Pray for the church. Pray to Our Lady, Mary the Mother of God. I am sorry you are stuck in one place. I bring struggling Catholics to my parish, I bring them to the Eastern Orthodox parish. I want them to meet God. I pray that you meet Him, where ever you are.

This website has free radio podcasts that help me untangle and strengthen my faith
ancientfaith.com
 
I am also a great admirer of Orthodox & Byzantine liturgies. Wherever Christ is in the tabernacle, that’s the place for me. Even if I fail to acknowledge Him.
 
On the distinction between faith as a feeling and faith as a product of rational thought, I’d recommend reading the documents of Vatican I.
 
A very wise Monsignor once told me, “You don’t have to feel right by God to do right by God.”

Without God there is guaranteed to be an explosion of evil that would end in only empty darkness - nothingness. There would be no conviction toward anything, because why bother? It is in our heart of hearts to know God, which is why you even chose to make this post to begin with. You want Him. Imagine Mother Teresa and all the sadness she saw. Her faith was tested, and she confessed to feeling a deep dryness of faith, and who could blame her? Nevertheless, she continued on her mission of love for those who are seemingly unloved. She didn’t always feel right by God, but she made the conscious choice to do right by Him. Maybe you could pray for her intercession along with our Blessed Mother to help you here. Mary’s soul magnifies the Lord upon us.

Don’t cast your gaze widely upon the whole world - it is corrupt, narrow your gaze, instead, on God, and let Him lead you, one person at a time, to the peace and love that you are seeking. Reading and knowledge and study are important, but more important is what we do in His Name. Don’t let the devil wear you down; you’re better than that, and you are destined for eternity.
 
Call the Chancery in your Diocese and ask for resources fro free counseling and Spiritual Direction.
Then GO.
I’ll pray for your intentions.
 
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