Lost my faith/NFP/and more

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littlelostsoul

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Warning this may be long and too much information - sorry for putting so much into one post as a brand new member, but I have a very heavy heart tonight and a lot is just coming out lately. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years. We have 7 children. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years, but have tried to go back to school a couple times now and really miss working. My husband just wants me to stay home and make babies. He doesn’t understand why I can’t be just happy with that and he’s not being a jerk about it. He just doesn’t understand how I can’t be fulfilled as wife and other. We wind up having the same fight over and over again. We’ve had plenty of NFP fights and to be honest I don’t mind using NFP, but he’s always a pain in the rear with it. He always snuggling up and making it difficult to abstain even when he says he will. Since he doesn’t care if I get pregnant it’s not a big deal to him. I hate NFP because it makes me think about getting pregnant every month. If I thought giving him baby number 8 would be the magic number I’d go for it. I’m not that opposed to one more, but it’s never going to be one more. He is pretty much in the quiverful camp (not sure if you use that term here). I am just getting more and more depressed about it. I don’t want him unhappy, but I want more than just being a baby maker. He doesn’t understand how motherhood can’t be enough for me. As far as the losing my religion point, he’s just killed my faith. I used to believe in God and have a fairly strong faith, although more Christian than Catholic if I’m honest. Now, I barely believe in God. I go to church and pray for my faith to return, but his attitude towards his faith has just killed it for me. He’s more about following some rules that have been ingrained in his head than he is about truly discovering a deeper faith. He’s consumed by guilt if he doesn’t follow things perfectly, but he doesn’t ever look at anything deeper than we do this just because I’ve always been taught this way. I don’t think God wants us to just believe things because that’s what mommy and daddy told me to believe. As an adult you start to develop stronger, deeper faith. I don’t know though who am I to criticize. At least he believes in God and follows his convictions and with that I feel totally guilty about complaining about him? How can you complain about someone who is trying to do everything right? Anyhow, just really lost, really frustrated, and missing having a God I actually believed in.
 
Wow, your post makes me very sad. I don’t want this to become the focal point, but these kinds of things really drew me away from the faith, and I’m a single young person. It sounds to me that your husband doesn’t really see you as a unique person with an identity of your own. You must feel very trapped. He is not your master or your keeper. If he’s forcing you to stay in your house, have sex with him, and have more children against your will, that is rather unloving and inconsiderate. You are your own person, please remember that.

As for advice, if you want to get out of the house and get a job or go and take classes, then go. If your husband tries to stop you, then you’ll know that he doesn’t value your feelings, and then you should feel even more like getting out of the house and doing your own thing. No one should make you feel that can’t fulfill your own desires in life. It’s not too late! Go out and do something that makes you happy at the end of the day–not your husband. It’s sounds like you’ve been giving in to him for far too long anyway.

Best of luck! Chin up. 🙂
 
I pray for you and your family

that the Lord guides you with his love and mercy

I pray this in Christs name

Amen!
 
Hello sister,married for a little more than a decade,7 kids,having had recently the urge of doing something outside the home+having thought God abandonned us,I know where you come from…+the NFP thing:exactly the same problem,husband enjoying cuddling anyway (which does make it difficult to abstain,and which does mean more babies).
I would really recommend marriage therapy first(before going out and taking a job),with a catholic or Christian counsellor.The problem is clearly a lack of skills in communication when things are difficult between you two,and also your and his needs have changed with time and 7 kids,you need to fulfill each other’s needs.
Because if you feel loved and understood and you make some arrangements(like take a class,by yourself or even together),you might not need drastic changes in your life.
The drastic changes ,if the communication is not better,might even make your differences grow bigger,and will make more resentment etc…Which is why -although getting a job seem like the answer to your need to be yourself and recognized as a real person-I am not sure it will “fix” your husband’s attitude torward you.
And yours toward him.
Try counseling first,tell him you both really need that ,because not feeling like a real person and loosing the Faith are a sign that the marriage is not going well .
If he treats you like a queen in the future and not like a baby maker and listens to your doubts about the Faith and you can talk like real friends,you will already feel like a real person-and then he might be more opened about you getting a part-time job(I mean,with 7 kids),or something…And you will be less tempted to have a male friend who listens to you,since you’ll have your own real friend at home(yes,there is that to consider:a dissatisfied wife who doesn’t feel treated like more than a baby-maker is at the mercy of compassionate male ears…)
I hope I am helping,I have been there,I felt like that too.
And I got “LadyComp” to help me with NFP(so the computer is telling us if we can cuddle or not and not me ).It is expensive,as is counseling,but I once read this(very true),if your husband thinks it’s not worth spending that money:“if you think it’s expensive,try divorce!”
This is meant as a joke but it will make your husband think.
Good luck!
 
littlelostsoul said:
Warning this may be long and too much information - sorry for putting so much into one post as a brand new member, but I have a very heavy heart tonight and a lot is just coming out lately. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years. We have 7 children. I have been a stay at home mom for the past 12 years, but have tried to go back to school a couple times now and really miss working. My husband just wants me to stay home and make babies. He doesn’t understand why I can’t be just happy with that and he’s not being a jerk about it. He just doesn’t understand how I can’t be fulfilled as wife and other. We wind up having the same fight over and over again. We’ve had plenty of NFP fights and to be honest I don’t mind using NFP, but he’s always a pain in the rear with it. He always snuggling up and making it difficult to abstain even when he says he will. Since he doesn’t care if I get pregnant it’s not a big deal to him. I hate NFP because it makes me think about getting pregnant every month. If I thought giving him baby number 8 would be the magic number I’d go for it. I’m not that opposed to one more, but it’s never going to be one more. He is pretty much in the quiverful camp (not sure if you use that term here). I am just getting more and more depressed about it. I don’t want him unhappy, but I want more than just being a baby maker. He doesn’t understand how motherhood can’t be enough for me. As far as the losing my religion point, he’s just killed my faith. I used to believe in God and have a fairly strong faith, although more Christian than Catholic if I’m honest. Now, I barely believe in God. I go to church and pray for my faith to return, but his attitude towards his faith has just killed it for me. He’s more about following some rules that have been ingrained in his head than he is about truly discovering a deeper faith. He’s consumed by guilt if he doesn’t follow things perfectly, but he doesn’t ever look at anything deeper than we do this just because I’ve always been taught this way. I don’t think God wants us to just believe things because that’s what mommy and daddy told me to believe. As an adult you start to develop stronger, deeper faith. I don’t know though who am I to criticize. At least he believes in God and follows his convictions and with that I feel totally guilty about complaining about him? How can you complain about someone who is trying to do everything right? Anyhow, just really lost, really frustrated, and missing having a God I actually believed in.
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I am so sorry to hear this… Please, stand up for yourself. NFP works in a marriage if both spouses are committed to it, if they can communicate and discern together. It does not work and it is not fair if only one of the spouses is basically making his/her decision against the other’s will. It is really sad that your husband’s “faith” has killed your spiritual life. You need to have a good, serious talk with him. This is not just about you, but also about your children. Kids are smart. Do you think they do not sense your discontent? They deserve a happy mom, who feels more fulfilled and more respected by her husband. Please, do not feel that you are doing something wrong. Your desire to go back to school and work outside of the home is legitimate. Your husband’s attitude is very selfish and inconsiderate. Is there anybody close to both of you (your priest for example) that can help with this? I will keep you in my prayers.
 
I am very sorry to hear that you have lost your faith because of this.

The problem isn’t with God or NFP, though. The problem is a lack of communication and commitment to a common goal in your marriage.

I would suggest you speak with a priest, both alone and with your husband. You have to be on the same page or nothing will get better.

Also… your faith is YOURS. Don’t let your husband’s faith influence yours to the extent that his bad example will cause you to lose your faith. You are exactly right that adulthood is about deepening your faith, learning the ‘whys’ and not just following the rules because they are rules (although that is part of it if we don’t understand the whys yet). So YOU NEED TO DO THAT. Don’t just get turned off of it by your husband’s expression of faith. You do exactly what you said- spend time learning about the faith, read the catechism, read Scripture, learn about the sacraments. Stay close to them. That is YOUR obligation as an adult. Don’t pass the buck because someone else isn’t doing it.
 
Et_Cetera said:
Wow, your post makes me very sad. I don’t want this to become the focal point, but these kinds of things really drew me away from the faith, and I’m a single young person. It sounds to me that your husband doesn’t really see you as a unique person with an identity of your own. You must feel very trapped. He is not your master or your keeper. If he’s forcing you to stay in your house, have sex with him, and have more children against your will, that is rather unloving and inconsiderate. You are your own person, please remember that.

As for advice, if you want to get out of the house and get a job or go and take classes, then go. If your husband tries to stop you, then you’ll know that he doesn’t value your feelings, and then you should feel even more like getting out of the house and doing your own thing. No one should make you feel that can’t fulfill your own desires in life. It’s not too late! Go out and do something that makes you happy at the end of the day–not your husband. It’s sounds like you’ve been giving in to him for far too long anyway.

Best of luck! Chin up. 🙂
Click to expand...
He has never forced anything and I don’t think he is trying to be selfish. He has supported me on going back to school. It’s just he still wants another baby which will really make it difficult for me to go back to work. When we do communicate we come to the same problem and no solution. One of us is going to be unhappy. I do not know how for us to both be happy.
mab23 said:
I pray for you and your family

that the Lord guides you with his love and mercy

I pray this in Christs name

Amen!
Click to expand...
Thank you.
Pomme said:
Hello sister,married for a little more than a decade,7 kids,having had recently the urge of doing something outside the home+having thought God abandonned us,I know where you come from…+the NFP thing:exactly the same problem,husband enjoying cuddling anyway (which does make it difficult to abstain,and which does mean more babies).
I would really recommend marriage therapy first(before going out and taking a job),with a catholic or Christian counsellor.The problem is clearly a lack of skills in communication when things are difficult between you two,and also your and his needs have changed with time and 7 kids,you need to fulfill each other’s needs.
Because if you feel loved and understood and you make some arrangements(like take a class,by yourself or even together),you might not need drastic changes in your life.
The drastic changes ,if the communication is not better,might even make your differences grow bigger,and will make more resentment etc…Which is why -although getting a job seem like the answer to your need to be yourself and recognized as a real person-I am not sure it will “fix” your husband’s attitude torward you.
And yours toward him.
Try counseling first,tell him you both really need that ,because not feeling like a real person and loosing the Faith are a sign that the marriage is not going well .
If he treats you like a queen in the future and not like a baby maker and listens to your doubts about the Faith and you can talk like real friends,you will already feel like a real person-and then he might be more opened about you getting a part-time job(I mean,with 7 kids),or something…And you will be less tempted to have a male friend who listens to you,since you’ll have your own real friend at home(yes,there is that to consider:a dissatisfied wife who doesn’t feel treated like more than a baby-maker is at the mercy of compassionate male ears…)
I hope I am helping,I have been there,I felt like that too.
And I got “LadyComp” to help me with NFP(so the computer is telling us if we can cuddle or not and not me ).It is expensive,as is counseling,but I once read this(very true),if your husband thinks it’s not worth spending that money:“if you think it’s expensive,try divorce!”
This is meant as a joke but it will make your husband think.
Good luck!
Click to expand...
I have a fertility monitor and have used Marquette method. Money is not an issue. He is very good at helping with the kids and very good at being my partner on that. I don’t mean to make him sound like a complete inconsiderate twit. He just honestly, truly doesn’t get why I can’t find personal fulfillment in just taking care of the kids. Why that isn’t rewarding to me.
 
Emmelia said:
I am so sorry to hear this… Please, stand up for yourself. NFP works in a marriage if both spouses are committed to it, if they can communicate and discern together. It does not work and it is not fair if only one of the spouses is basically making his/her decision against the other’s will. It is really sad that your husband’s “faith” has killed your spiritual life. You need to have a good, serious talk with him. This is not just about you, but also about your children. Kids are smart. Do you think they do not sense your discontent? They deserve a happy mom, who feels more fulfilled and more respected by her husband. Please, do not feel that you are doing something wrong. Your desire to go back to school and work outside of the home is legitimate. Your husband’s attitude is very selfish and inconsiderate. Is there anybody close to both of you (your priest for example) that can help with this? I will keep you in my prayers.
Click to expand...
He would talk to a priest. Counseling we both have reservations with. We did see a counselor once through CFS and this counselor first appointment said something to the lines of we will sort out whether you should stay married and that was a big turn off for both of us. Divorce is not an option to me. He’s not abusive. He loves me. I love him. Those are non-issues. My biggest issue is that he is not okay and never will be okay with me wanting to be done having children. He’s okay with waiting until I am ready, but gets upset when I say that I do not want more. I’m tired. Really, really tired of taking care of other people. I love all of my children. No regrets, but they are a lot of work. I am not up to tackling this problem today, but when the timing is right I think setting up an appt with a priest would be a good idea.
kristacecilia said:
I am very sorry to hear that you have lost your faith because of this.

The problem isn’t with God or NFP, though. The problem is a lack of communication and commitment to a common goal in your marriage.

I would suggest you speak with a priest, both alone and with your husband. You have to be on the same page or nothing will get better.

Also… your faith is YOURS. Don’t let your husband’s faith influence yours to the extent that his bad example will cause you to lose your faith. You are exactly right that adulthood is about deepening your faith, learning the ‘whys’ and not just following the rules because they are rules (although that is part of it if we don’t understand the whys yet). So YOU NEED TO DO THAT. Don’t just get turned off of it by your husband’s expression of faith. You do exactly what you said- spend time learning about the faith, read the catechism, read Scripture, learn about the sacraments. Stay close to them. That is YOUR obligation as an adult. Don’t pass the buck because someone else isn’t doing it.
Click to expand...
Thank you. You are correct and I do need to work on that.
 
I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I don’t think that lack of communication is the problem here. He knows what you want he just thinks that he knows better than you. I am not calling your husband a narcissist because I don’t have enough info here. However, I do think the quiverfull movement would be attractive to a narcissistic man. I wouldn’t suggest marriage counseling because if he wont listen to you than why would he listen to a counselor.However, I would suggest that you go to counseling to learn to stick up for yourself.
 
I will keep you in my prayers.

Try to rebuild your relationship with God. It does not need to be like your husbands. My husband and I are on very different spiritual journeys. He belongs to the KOC, passes the basket at mass, volunteers at the church picnic but seems to have no relationship with God. He can’t wait to get out of mass. Goes to the shortest mass. Won’t go early. Won’t stay for rosary. Won’t go to adoration. Won’t go to confession.

I love mass. I like the priest with the longer homilies. I like to arrive early and look over the readings and pray. I stay for the rosary. I go to adoration. I like to help out behind the scenes. I love daily mass.

If I just went by my husband’s faith, I wouldn’t even bother to go to mass. He is not living his religion. I prefer to go to mass without him because he disturbs my peace. But I would not let my husband distance myself from my God. I need God in my life. I would be lost without Him.
 
It does sound to me like is forcing things on you if he is trying to force you to have another kid, which will prevent you from taking classes or getting a job. He is putting his feelings and wishes above yours. You’ve stated that you’re unhappy. No one has the right to make you unhappy. You’re your own person. Don’t let him forget…and please don’t forget it yourself.
 
I’m sorry you’re having this problem, but I’m VERY happy that there seems to be a lot of love between you, it gives me great hope this problem can be worked through. Seek help before weeds of bitterness grow.

Lord, please help this wonderful husband to consider the needs of his wife. Help them communicate with each other. Amen
 
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