Lost my virginity

[Inego_de_Loyola]

Just curious, perhaps you’re right, but I’m just wondering, why would someone who’s struggling with living chastely be called to a vocation other than marriage? Maybe the fact that he has such a desire to have sex means that he should marry? Wouldn’t this cause complications down the road regarding celibacy?

“It’s better to marry than to burn…”

Yes to be sure it is better to marry than to burn, but to all those who earnestly pursue the religious life God will give them the graces of continence. Perhaps it is those who are most tempted to sins of the flesh who most ought to renounce the world for the sake of Christ, “for there are very many who cannot enter heaven unless they abandon all things.”* God will always provide the grace necessary to your state in life. It should be noted that the same Chapter of the bible you quoted also says this**:
I Corinthians Chapter 7:

27 Art thou yoked to a wife? Then, do not go about to free thyself. Art thou free of wedlock? Then do not go about to find a wife. 28 Not that thou dost commit sin if thou marriest; nor, if she marries, has the virgin committed sin. It is only that those who do so will meet with outward distress. But I leave you your freedom.[h] 29 Only, brethren, I would say this; the time is drawing to an end; nothing remains, but for those who have wives to behave as though they had none; 30 those who weep must forget their tears, and those who rejoice their rejoicing, and those who buy must renounce possession; 31 and those who take advantage of what the world offers must not take full advantage of it; the fashion of this world is soon to pass away. 32 And I would have you free from concern. He who is unmarried is concerned with God’s claim, asking how he is to please God; 33 whereas the married man is concerned with the world’s claim, asking how he is to please his wife; and thus he is at issue with himself. 34 So a woman who is free of wedlock, or a virgin, is concerned with the Lord’s claim, intent on holiness, bodily and spiritual; whereas the married woman is concerned with the world’s claim, asking how she is to please her husband.

It is the highest natural good that one should marry and raise a family, but it is an even higher supernatural good that for the better imitation of Christ and his good counsel one should not.

*Pope St.Gregory the Great
**Bible quotes are from the Knox Translation: biblegateway.com/versions/Knox-Bible/#books

P.S. My Patron saint, St.Ignatius de Loyola, has this to say on the subject:“If a person thinks of embracing a secular life, he should ask and desire more evident signs that God calls him to a secular life than if there were question of embracing the evangelical counsels; for Our Lord Himself has evidently exhorted us to embrace His counsels, and, on the other hand, He has evidently laid before us the great dangers and difficulties of a secular life; so that, if we rightly conclude, revelations and extraordinary tokens of His will are more necessary for a man entering upon a life in the world than for one entering the religious state.”

 

[YoungCatholic21]

I’m 20 years old and about 5 months ago i started dating this girl and we grew very close very fast, to fast for me. I was a virgin leading up to her and she did not know this until one night when she was talking about sex with me and i told her i was…long story short i was convinced to lose my virginity with her and that was that. We are not dating at the current time but still talk everyday and she says we are “together” I come to you all for help and guidance because i am not sure how to handle this situation. I’ve gone to reconciliation and have not had sex with her in a few weeks but thats easy to say now because i’m away in college and she is back home. I’m worried i will fall into temptation again when we see each other. On one hand i know sex outside of marriage is very wrong and a big sin. I had such a close relationship with God before all this and i know he is still with me but we have definitely drifted. On the other hand I don’t just want to throw away this relationship with her because i have already lost my virginity to her and that is something very special to me and it means a lot, i am VERY attached to her and she is not the same way with me at all. I tell her i love her and she can’t say it in return…she just says she’s falling for me and she will say it in time and i shouldn’t worry. Bottom line what is the best thing to do? i always had plans to marry and have sexual relations with 1 woman my whole life. I know i messed those up but if i can stay with this girl then there is no telling what the future holds. Is it better for me to move on and forget her? or work things out with her even if that means having sex with her. I’ve brought this up before and she just says well we’ve already done it so she doesn’t see the big deal as to why we can’t keep on doing it? All insight is greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long rant i’m just in a tough place right now

God bless

I guess it comes to what you personally want: the salvation of your own soul or eternal damnation? Because brother, if she continuously wants to have sex with you, you will lose your soul. It’s a temptation, an occasion of sin. I guarantee you will give up your faith to not feel under God’s laws, rather than cut off yourself from someone to who you’re attached.

You’ll either stand with God here, by giving her up to regain your lost chastity, and continue to practice the Faith, or you’ll fall into the black hole that is the world, which fights your determination to remain and pure and chaste.

Choose: God or the World? Your Soul’s Salvation or Hell?

 

[Ignatius]

I did go to confession a couple times and always regressed. I went again today and i just really want to be steadfast and get my life and faith back on track with God’s will. I am very unhappy and depressed though because i just want the love and companionship of another woman. I have the best times with her even though yes she has led me to sin. I have no problem getting over her as long as i meet a good Catholic woman who sees eye to eye with me. I just want to be happy and i need to have faith and trust in God and know that true happiness lies within him and not another girl.

Thank you for the reply

Tell her honestly and plainly where you stand. If she wants the relationship to progress, there will be no more sex or intimacy like that until you are married.
I’m assuming that she is Catholic and understands the gravity of the situation.

 

[jimmy]

I guess it comes to what you personally want: the salvation of your own soul or eternal damnation? Because brother, if she continuously wants to have sex with you, you will lose your soul. It’s a temptation, an occasion of sin. I guarantee you will give up your faith to not feel under God’s laws, rather than cut off yourself from someone to who you’re attached.

You’ll either stand with God here, by giving her up to regain your lost chastity, and continue to practice the Faith, or you’ll fall into the black hole that is the world, which fights your determination to remain and pure and chaste.

Choose: God or the World? Your Soul’s Salvation or Hell?

Do you really think this approach helps anyone? From my experience, no one listens to the fire and brimstone approach. They might hear it, but it isn’t going to change their actions. The most it will do is cause anxiety.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

Do you really think this approach helps anyone? From my experience, no one listens to the fire and brimstone approach. They might hear it, but it isn’t going to change their actions. The most it will do is cause anxiety.

Plenty of people listen to fire and brimstone.

 

[ValPal]

If she were to change on her own and say she wants to live chastely as well, that’s a different story. But you can’t change someone if they don’t want to change. It’ll just lead to problems down the road.

I concur.

In fact, if she were to agree to be chaste when dating you, that is a very good sign for this relationship. At your age, sex drive is incredibly strong, and if she agrees to live, that is a great sacrifice that each of you is making. It also bodes well for the future, since it demonstrates that each of you can communicate and compromise on various issues. That is essential to a lasting marriage.

All the best!

 

[jsaldar]

I encountered this problem once. I couldn’t get this girl to tell me she loved me, even if her life depended on it. I was so into this girl, and always falling into mortal sin with her ( she was Muslim by the way), because I just wanted to be with her all of the time. Then God opened my eyes, I realized that she didn’t love me at all and that she wasn’t the one for me. She was perfect for me in every way possible, but we weren’t on the same page when it came to living life in accordance to God’s will. I went to confession right after we broke up, and felt relieved. I forgive her, and hopefully, she has forgiven me. I was in an worse scenario, because I had left my girl friend from 7 years to be with this girl. I had not only hurt myself, but my loyal 7 years girl friend and put in jeapordy my soul and this girl’s soul. This all happened a year ago. I am now 26, and guess what? My girl friend of 7 years forgave me, and we are together now and stronger than ever. My girl friend is as Catholic as I am, and I can’t believe I made such a grave mistake. I can’t believe she has even forgiven me after such a betrayal. This is true love. I will never do this to her again. My friend, you need to let go of this girl, and find yourself a good loving catholic girl. They are out there, but are hard to find, because they are such precious little stones in this world of lumps of coal. Don’t give up, they are out there so don’t despair.
You can send me a private message if you want anymore advise brother.

God Bless you

 

[wendy_w]

Jack,

As someone else has said the chance that your girlfriend could become pregnant is a huge concern. This could put you in the position of marriage with someone that is not right for you. Your child could be aborted by his mother and you would have no say.
If you don’t think you have control to be with her and not have sex it would probably be best to end the relationship. When sex is added to a dating relationship getting to truly know that person for who they are gets messed up in the emotions involved with a sexually relationship. I’m not judging you I have been there myself. Just wish I would have made different decisions in my life.

My prayers are with you.

 

[Kathrin]

Thanks Marie, it means a lot to know that someone out there actually sees me for who i really am. I hope and pray that one day i find the woman who will love and adore me

i think it is evident from the way you write about this that you must be a very good person with a great heart who wants to be very close to God…

I think if she loved you she would understand that your faith and conscience do not permit you to have premarital sex and she would wait, and want for you (and herself. We can pray for her too to find on the good way ) that you are happy and not live in guilt…

God bless you
Kathrin

 

[Kathrin]

Tell her honestly and plainly where you stand. If she wants the relationship to progress, there will be no more sex or intimacy like that until you are married.
I’m assuming that she is Catholic and understands the gravity of the situation.

 

[fpt]

Jack to be honest I would not want to be with this girl no matter how much it feels hard to leave her.

I never had a girlfriend, but I did have a hard time with masturbation,. This is not the same scenario, but what I’M trying to say is that it made me see Just how much worldly pleasure takes us away from God. I think this is why I Have never had a girl friend. A lot of girls that I know are very world, and I want to find one that helps me get closer to God and not further away from him. Second I am afraid that by having one, I will fall again and do something I shouldn’t.

I will pray for you that you may do the best decision.

Sorry, but I do not like this words (lost my virginity). By principle, in the marriage, you offer your virginity to the other and the other take it like a gift. Before the marriage, no sex is the moral rule, but if the person does not respect this rule she lost her virginity, by giving it to someone (to offer the virginity without marriage, of course, but she has offered it and was taken by someone, before the lost).

What is your view?

 

[Jack8912]

Reading all of these replies really helps me in discerning what i should do. We have talked before about staying chaste and she responded with a look of “impossible” we would be able to keep it up for a month and then fall into temptation again. She certainly is not willing to wait until marriage, she is Catholic but she doesn’t see it as a bad thing wanting to have sex with her boyfriend she says. On top of this her mother is promiscuous as well and doesn’t discourage her from having sex at ALL. My parents brought me up a different way, i just feel bad for her because she has no guidance in the matter and doesn’t realize the severity of these actions. If she had guidance earlier on in life or had better parenting it would be different. At this point she has a one track mind, seeing that i was her 4th partner it doesn’t seem logical for her to stop having sex now when she has done it many times in the past. I’ll continue to read these posts as they give me strength to do what is best and move on.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

Reading all of these replies really helps me in discerning what i should do. We have talked before about staying chaste and she responded with a look of “impossible” we would be able to keep it up for a month and then fall into temptation again. She certainly is not willing to wait until marriage, she is Catholic but she doesn’t see it as a bad thing wanting to have sex with her boyfriend she says. On top of this her mother is promiscuous as well and doesn’t discourage her from having sex at ALL. My parents brought me up a different way, i just feel bad for her because she has no guidance in the matter and doesn’t realize the severity of these actions. If she had guidance earlier on in life or had better parenting it would be different. At this point she has a one track mind, seeing that i was her 4th partner it doesn’t seem logical for her to stop having sex now when she has done it many times in the past. I’ll continue to read these posts as they give me strength to do what is best and move on.

I’m happy for you brother. I’ll be praying for you both.

 

[Marie1234]

Reading all of these replies really helps me in discerning what i should do. We have talked before about staying chaste and she responded with a look of “impossible” we would be able to keep it up for a month and then fall into temptation again. She certainly is not willing to wait until marriage, she is Catholic but she doesn’t see it as a bad thing wanting to have sex with her boyfriend she says. On top of this her mother is promiscuous as well and doesn’t discourage her from having sex at ALL. My parents brought me up a different way, i just feel bad for her because she has no guidance in the matter and doesn’t realize the severity of these actions. If she had guidance earlier on in life or had better parenting it would be different. At this point she has a one track mind, seeing that i was her 4th partner it doesn’t seem logical for her to stop having sex now when she has done it many times in the past. I’ll continue to read these posts as they give me strength to do what is best and move on.

Good for you! I prayed for you today in church. I hope it gives you strength to do what is right

I feel really bad for girls like that too; I know many like her that are around my age. Some people just have a stronger pull from God and the spiritual side in their lives. Some have a heavier conscience, like myself, and it seems like you as well. It may seem difficult now, but trust me you are much better off. It may seem like a curse, but in reality it’s a blessing. You’ll have a much happier future

In time, this girl may mature and find her way back to God. I pray she does, and I pray you find someone who understands your morals and guides you toward God, rather than away from Him.

God Bless you!

 

[Jack8912]

It melts my heart to hear such uplifting comments from you guys. It really is good to know there are people out there who care enough to pray for someone whom they don’t know or ever met. Thank you for your prayers

 

[Marie1234]

It melts my heart to hear such uplifting comments from you guys. It really is good to know there are people out there who care enough to pray for someone whom they don’t know or ever met. Thank you for your prayers

Anytime

 

[clem456]

I’m 20 years old and about 5 months ago i started dating this girl and we grew very close very fast, to fast for me. I was a virgin leading up to her and she did not know this until one night when she was talking about sex with me and i told her i was…long story short** i was convinced to lose my virginity with her **and that was that. We are not dating at the current time but still talk everyday and she says we are “together” I come to you all for help and guidance because i am not sure how to handle this situation. I’ve gone to reconciliation and have not had sex with her in a few weeks but thats easy to say now because i’m away in college and she is back home. I’m worried i will fall into temptation again when we see each other. On one hand i know sex outside of marriage is very wrong and a big sin. I had such a close relationship with God before all this and i know he is still with me but we have definitely drifted. On the other hand I don’t just want to throw away this relationship with her because i have already lost my virginity to her and that is something very special to me and it means a lot, i am VERY attached to her and she is not the same way with me at all. I tell her i love her and she can’t say it in return…she just says she’s falling for me and she will say it in time and i shouldn’t worry. Bottom line what is the best thing to do? i always had plans to marry and have sexual relations with 1 woman my whole life. I know i messed those up but if i can stay with this girl then there is no telling what the future holds. Is it better for me to move on and forget her? or work things out with her even if that means having sex with her. I’ve brought this up before and she just says well we’ve already done it so she doesn’t see the big deal as to why we can’t keep on doing it? All insight is greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long rant i’m just in a tough place right now

God bless

Jack
Your post indicates you are abdicating your moral responsibility. You are responsible for making the right choices. No man can be convinced to have sex against his will. You are keeping the door to sin open with manufactured dilemmas. Stop the wafffling and excusing and man up.

Don’t fool yourself. You want sex with this woman or you wouldn’t have had it already, and be thinking about having more of it. The question you need to answer is, do you want sex with this woman, or do you want to live a chaste life? You can’t have your cake and eat it too. If you want to live a chaste life, and she loves you, she will accept chastity with you. What do you think the chances of that are?

 

[thesmiter1]

Just curious, perhaps you’re right, but I’m just wondering, why would someone who’s struggling with living chastely be called to a vocation other than marriage? Maybe the fact that he has such a desire to have sex means that he should marry? Wouldn’t this cause complications down the road regarding celibacy?

“It’s better to marry than to burn…”

Being someone who struggles with chastity and was, at one point, convinced that marriage was my vocation, I must ask you: What, exactly, is the harm in opening the door to other vocations? Destroying lust must happen whether we get married or become religious. If we are men of concupiscence and we marry, we will inevitably fall to sin of some kind, whether it be porn and masturbation or actually cheating. Discernment of a vocation is a wonderful thing in which one is required to examine themselves. EVERYONE should go through this process. It has helped me greatly, and everyone I know who has discerned, even though I may be called to marriage.

 

[Jack8912]

I know this already thats why i see it as a problem and posted on here to get some good guidance and constructive criticism. I know what i did was morally wrong and i’m doing my best to pick myself and move on in the right direction this time. And she doesn’t love me, she says she is falling in love with me but that means nothing to me. We aren’t even dating right now and it’s been made clear we will only date again if and when she is ready…

 

[Jack8912]

Being someone who struggles with chastity and was, at one point, convinced that marriage was my vocation, I must ask you: What, exactly, is the harm in opening the door to other vocations? Destroying lust must happen whether we get married or become religious. If we are men of concupiscence and we marry, we will inevitably fall to sin of some kind, whether it be porn and masturbation or actually cheating. Discernment of a vocation is a wonderful thing in which one is required to examine themselves. EVERYONE should go through this process. It has helped me greatly, and everyone I know who has discerned, even though I may be called to marriage.

When i get married i’ll never masturbate, cheat, or watch porn…those things are something that won’t even cross my mind