Lost respect for husband

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NurseyJ

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I’m struggling with my marriage lately. I’ve lost a lot of respect for my husband because he is lazy and doesn’t help out much. He leaves all of the planning–EVERY aspect of our lives as well as all of the finances and most of the cleaning to me (we both work). All major decisions–having kids, buying a house, etc etc have all been because of me. Left to his own devices, he would do nothing–has no ambitions whatsoever, no hobbies, no pursuits (unless you include video games). He has also physically “let himself go”, has gained quite a bit of weight. I am hurt by his lack of motivation and lack of concern for me. He is not the least bit depressed according to him, as one might guess. He’s actually pretty happy doing nothing.

My question is…how does one get respect back in a marriage when the husband doesn’t command respect? I am always in awe of men who take an interest in their lives and endeavor to better themselves–through personal development, spirituality, travel, exercise, higher learning, etc. How do I love him when I am utterly disgusted by his laziness such that I can’t stand to be around him?
 
Your husband sounds a lot like my brother-in-law. Are you and I related? Like, maybe we’re brother and sister? 😃

Was he always like this? Did it develop over time? What motivated him in the past?

Try cutting him out of your life and the kids’ lives. Go on about your business as if he’s not there. If he complains, just tell him (nicely) that you’ve given up trying to get him to contribute and you’re not going to nag him anymore. If he wants to be a part of your lives, he’ll have to come back on his own accord.
 
I will just say that if your husband has narcissistic personality tendencies, you may have to reconcile yourself to the idea that you will probably not be able to respect him, simply because being so extremely self-centered is not respectable.

It may be that you issue an ultimatum and that’s what forces him to take you seriously because he finally has to face the hurt he’s caused. But if he’s narcissistic, that’s not going to be something he cares about, unfortunately. (Though they still can work - the motivation to get to continue his life is a strong one, especially if he wants to appear as a devoted husband and father even if he doesn’t want to do the work.)

I would recommend counseling for you, but if he’s narcissistic I would be cautious about having him do therapy or marriage counseling. Narcissists can be very skilled at charming therapists.
 
pensmama87 said:
I will just say that if your husband has narcissistic personality tendencies, you may have to reconcile yourself to the idea that you will probably not be able to respect him, simply because being so extremely self-centered is not respectable.

It may be that you issue an ultimatum and that’s what forces him to take you seriously because he finally has to face the hurt he’s caused. But if he’s narcissistic, that’s not going to be something he cares about, unfortunately. (Though they still can work - the motivation to get to continue his life is a strong one, especially if he wants to appear as a devoted husband and father even if he doesn’t want to do the work.)

I would recommend counseling for you, but if he’s narcissistic I would be cautious about having him do therapy or marriage counseling. Narcissists can be very skilled at charming therapists.
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I don’t think the OP’s husband is a narcissist. If he were, I’d expect him to be making more of an effort outside the house, which it doesn’t sound like he is.
 
NurseyJ said:
I’m struggling with my marriage lately. I’ve lost a lot of respect for my husband because he is lazy and doesn’t help out much. He leaves all of the planning–EVERY aspect of our lives as well as all of the finances and most of the cleaning to me (we both work). All major decisions–having kids, buying a house, etc etc have all been because of me. Left to his own devices, he would do nothing–has no ambitions whatsoever, no hobbies, no pursuits (unless you include video games). He has also physically “let himself go”, has gained quite a bit of weight. I am hurt by his lack of motivation and lack of concern for me. He is not the least bit depressed according to him, as one might guess. He’s actually pretty happy doing nothing.

My question is…how does one get respect back in a marriage when the husband doesn’t command respect? I am always in awe of men who take an interest in their lives and endeavor to better themselves–through personal development, spirituality, travel, exercise, higher learning, etc. How do I love him when I am utterly disgusted by his laziness such that I can’t stand to be around him?
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Is this a change for him? Did he used to be more motivated?

I would not put too much weight on his claim of not being depressed.

Get him a doctor’s appointment and get him an evaluation. Don’t do it in a judgy, mom-ish way, but in a loving, concerned way, but be VERY firm.
 
I’m sure you’ve discussed this with him already, but you didn’t mention it, so I have to ask, does he know how much this is hurting you?

You might ask him to give up Video Games for Lent (but start now, like a Pre-Lent Lent), and to spend that time working on your marriage and himself.
 
Xantippe said:
I don’t think the OP’s husband is a narcissist. If he were, I’d expect him to be making more of an effort outside the house, which it doesn’t sound like he is.
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I dunno. I think some narcissists are quite content to be bums, as long as others are willing to work for them so they still get what they want.

If OP has flat-out told her husband that what he is doing is hurting her, and that doesn’t motivate him to even make an inkling of change, I think it’s something to consider.

(Though I agree he could just be lying about being depressed, or not realize that he is depressed.)
 
Is he a bum?

Do you think he’s depressed?

And what about yourself? (I’m trying to be open here, not accusatory.)

Have you even ASKED him how he’s feeling?
Have you been pushy and overbearing like a mean boss over the years?

Do you think he resigned all these items to you because you were planning them anyway?

Sometimes spouses get in a pattern of behavior and are completely clueless as to how their spouse is feeling.

No ultimatums. This act needs to stop unless he’s doing something seriously horrible.

Don’t kick the man out if he’s already down. If you want to see a change, well…look in the mirror?

If you’ve done that already, ask him to look in the mirror?

Is he a drunk? A wife-beater? A miserable SOB?

I just feel there is so much more to this than “husband is lazy and fat, woe is me.”
 
pensmama87 said:
I dunno. I think some narcissists are quite content to be bums, as long as others are willing to work for them so they still get what they want.

If OP has flat-out told her husband that what he is doing is hurting her, and that doesn’t motivate him to even make an inkling of change, I think it’s something to consider.

(Though I agree he could just be lying about being depressed, or not realize that he is depressed.)
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Yeah. The difficulty of something like depression is that it affects your view of reality, so that (maybe) his reality is that he’s really, really tired, and the OP is making too many demands on him, while the OP’s reality is that he’s been glued to his video games for the past 4 hours.

Definitely get him to the doctor. At a minimum, your average family doctor is going to see that he hasn’t been in for a physical for ages, his weight is bad, his blood pressure and cholesterol are bad, and he’s going to get a lot of encouragement to lose weight, be more active, and watch his diet. Any of those things would improve the OP’s view of him.
 
I would encourage the OP to seek some professional counseling. In the span of four years her posts have gone from “happily Married for two years” To many threads started about her husband not bathing etc. I think the Poster needs to seek some counseling for herself and her husband but most importantly for herself as she is the only one she can control right now. Perhaps moving out of the parents house was not a good idea.
 
Well, was your husband always like this? If not when did he change?

Another thought- did your husband at one time try to do many of these things but was told he was doing them wrong? Or that you didn’t like the way he did them? Or did you give the indication of some of these things like buying the house were really important to you-- he went along with your wishes in the matter believing it would make you happy?

For most males, if someone is criticizing you for the way you’re doing a job, the response is normally to tell the person criticizing them to do it themselves.

Don’t like the way I cook? There’s the fridge and the stove- knock yourself out.
Don’t like the way I’m doing the laundry. So sorry. There’s the machine, detergent and bleach have fun.

My recommendation would be marriage counseling as I’m guessing there’s more going on than can be addressed here. He could be a functional depressive and may need a neutral person to convince him of looking into it.
 
NurseyJ said:
I’m struggling with my marriage lately. I’ve lost a lot of respect for my husband because he is lazy and doesn’t help out much. He leaves all of the planning–EVERY aspect of our lives as well as all of the finances and most of the cleaning to me (we both work). All major decisions–having kids, buying a house, etc etc have all been because of me. Left to his own devices, he would do nothing–has no ambitions whatsoever, no hobbies, no pursuits (unless you include video games). He has also physically “let himself go”, has gained quite a bit of weight. I am hurt by his lack of motivation and lack of concern for me. He is not the least bit depressed according to him, as one might guess. He’s actually pretty happy doing nothing.

My question is…how does one get respect back in a marriage when the husband doesn’t command respect? I am always in awe of men who take an interest in their lives and endeavor to better themselves–through personal development, spirituality, travel, exercise, higher learning, etc. How do I love him when I am utterly disgusted by his laziness such that I can’t stand to be around him?
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I would stop comparing your husband to men who want to better themselves constantly. By comparing, you are allowing the resentment you have for your husband to grow, and you are losing your respect because of this. Instead of seeing all the bad, why don’t you look for the good? There has to have been something about your husband that made you want to marry him. When he comes home from work, tell him you love him. Spend time one on one with him, without your children.

Try not to nag your husband about not making decisions or “letting himself go”. How about once a week, you sit down together and go through the finances? How about you suggest he finds a group at your Church to join (if he is Catholic). If your husband has “let himself go” to the extent that he is overweight, talk to him about any health issues he could face in his future.

I suggest you get counselling to work on your marriage and your expectations of him (and his expectations of you) within your marriage.

Lou
 
I’m not going to defend your husband’s actions, but from a perusal of your posts over the last few years, I do have some sympathy for him. Frankly, it sounds like he became Catholic more for you than because of his own discernment. Then you moved him into your mother’s house despite your knowledge that your mother brings out the worst in your personality. What kind of hostile environment was he coming home to at that time?

It’s obvious you are disappointed in your husband, and from the way he is behaving, it’s obvious he is well aware of the way you feel about him. The one thing I’m sure he’s lying about is being depressed. I hope both of you get the assistance that you need.
 
CthgeDelendaEst said:
I’m not going to defend your husband’s actions, but from a perusal of your posts over the last few years, I do have some sympathy for him. Frankly, it sounds like he became Catholic more for you than because of his own discernment. Then you moved him into your mother’s house despite your knowledge that your mother brings out the worst in your personality. What kind of hostile environment was he coming home to at that time?

It’s obvious you are disappointed in your husband, and from the way he is behaving, it’s obvious he is well aware of the way you feel about him. The one thing I’m sure he’s lying about is being depressed. I hope both of you get the assistance that you need.
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I highly doubt you are trying to be helpful here. Your response it presumptive, inflammatory and uncharitable, IMO.

My post is about trying to find a way to regain respect when much has been lost by my husband’s abandonment of his role as a husband and father (which he has verbally acknowledged that he is guilty of). It has been a painful, long-standing issue and I’m trying to reach out for good, Catholic advice.
 
NurseyJ said:
My post is about trying to find a way to regain respect when much has been lost by my husband’s abandonment of his role as a husband and father (which he has verbally acknowledged that he is guilty of). It has been a painful, long-standing issue and I’m trying to reach out for good, Catholic advice.
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Do you think your husband is abandoning his role as a husband and a father because he is “lazy”, or is this another issue? If you are saying this because he is “lazy” (using quotation marks because I don’t know your husband and cannot judge this for myself), then you need to re-evaluate your expectations of him. Some men are not leaders, and your husband appears to be one of them. If you are talking about another issue, I advise you to speak with a Priest and get counselling to help with your relationship.

Lou
 
It could be adult ADHD. I would bet it is … Check out this site and you will see. What do you think?

adhdmarriage.com/forum

Avoiding tasks or jobs that require concentration
Procrastination
Difficulty initiating tasks
Difficulty organizing details required for a task
Difficulty recalling details required for a task
Difficulty multitasking
Poor time management, losing track of time
Indecision and doubt
Hesitation of execution
Difficulty persevering or completing and following through on tasks
Delayed stop and transition of concentration from one task to another
 
NurseyJ said:
I highly doubt you are trying to be helpful here. Your response it presumptive, inflammatory and uncharitable, IMO.

My post is about trying to find a way to regain respect when much has been lost by my husband’s abandonment of his role as a husband and father (which he has verbally acknowledged that he is guilty of). It has been a painful, long-standing issue and I’m trying to reach out for good, Catholic advice.
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Charity is not simply telling someone what they want to hear. The fact that you ignored all of the other responses and immediately responded to mine suggests to me you cannot brook even the mildest criticism.

I’m simply wondering if you have considered what has caused the man you married a few short years ago to degenerate into this so quickly. He was either not fit for marriage in the first place or recent events have ground his psyche into dust. I did not defend his actions, and will not. But ask yourself:

Do I emasculate my husband by my words or actions? Worse, do I do this in front of his kids, family, or friends? Do I ever compliment him? What is the ratio of compliments to criticism?

My advice probably means nothing to you, but it would probably be a good idea for him to move out for a few months. Perhaps he has a friend he can move in with. Start counseling. Let him see the kids whenever he wishes. Set regular date nights. I think it will be hard for you to let your resentment go if you come home to an unkempt, unbathed, video game playing husband every night. The temporary situation may give him the jolt he needs to straighten up his act. You likely don’t believe me, but I wish you well.
 
pensmama87 said:
I will just say that if your husband has narcissistic personality tendencies, you may have to reconcile yourself to the idea that you will probably not be able to respect him, simply because being so extremely self-centered is not respectable.

It may be that you issue an ultimatum and that’s what forces him to take you seriously because he finally has to face the hurt he’s caused. But if he’s narcissistic, that’s not going to be something he cares about, unfortunately. (Though they still can work - the motivation to get to continue his life is a strong one, especially if he wants to appear as a devoted husband and father even if he doesn’t want to do the work.)

I would recommend counseling for you, but if he’s narcissistic I would be cautious about having him do therapy or marriage counseling. Narcissists can be very skilled at charming therapists.
Click to expand...
A perfect description of my ex-wife! Narcisists tend to be very manipulative and convincing when questioned about their lifestyle.
 
I agree with CDE.

He doesn’t sound at all narcissistic. He sounds depressed.

What was he like when the OP met and married him? What has changed since then?
 
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