Lost respect for husband

[Elena321]

OP-

Maybe get him some books on men that have been determined and achieved a lot-maybe he will get some inspiration from them.

Consider getting you both a Gym pass.Once he realises how much you paid,hopefully he’ll feel motivated to use it and not waste it.

Tell him you want to go on a holiday/trip but you want him to choose the place and organise it etc.

 

[mommy_k]

Hi Nursery J,

Was your husband always a laid back type of person?
I believe God sometimes gives us spouses that complete the whole. If both of you were laid back, nothing would ever get done. Conversely, if both of you were ambitious and take charge type of people, perhaps there would be another set of issues.

I notice that for my husband and myself, we complete each other. I can understand the frustration you feel about doing everything, but there is a plus side to this.

I think that you can motivate him to do a bit more, but it will take baby steps, not all at once. He will never be a driven type A person. I would look at the positives he brings to the marriage–perhaps he has a gentle spirit, perhaps he brings a spirit of calmness, and things like this. These traits are very valuable- and so is your marriage and husband.

 

[Xantippe]

OP-

Maybe get him some books on men that have been determined and achieved a lot-maybe he will get some inspiration from them.

Consider getting you both a Gym pass.Once he realises how much you paid,hopefully he’ll feel motivated to use it and not waste it.

**I don’t know–both of those sound like they could potentially backfire.

The gym membership, especially, could lead to a lot of resentment from the OP if her husband doesn’t go. Better to spend the money on some nice family trip or something similar.

Also, I don’t believe that spouses (unless they’re fabulously wealthy) should make large purchases without consulting each other.**

Tell him you want to go on a holiday/trip but you want him to choose the place and organise it etc.

I like that one better, but what if he does nothing? Then she’ll be resenting him again.

Maybe better to just do research herself and ask him for approval? I think just the holiday trip alone (even if he does no planning work) could be very beneficial, as it will get him out of the house and walking around.

Maybe make a date night to ask him where he’d like to go for a one or two night getaway? And then listen. If he’s given enough notice (a day or two), he ought to be able to come up with some ideas or at least come up with some informed opinions of the OP’s ideas.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…
Tell him you want to go on a holiday/trip but you want him to choose the place and organise it etc.

Be sure to let him pick the place and let him organize it. Be appreciative and supportive- the goal here is to get him to see that there’s a benefit to him getting to pick and plan, to motivate him to continue to do so with other things. If you criticize it-- he’ll probably fall back to letting you plan it.

 

[Sailor_Kenshin]

I’m sure the husband has his own side of the story. What might it be?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m sure the husband has his own side of the story. What might it be?

Oh, no. We don’t do that here. Don’t you know, the party that has been accused on the boards and is not available to offer insight must be defamed, demonized and ganged up on, lest we injure the person’s posting sensibilities.

 

[Rose71]

My advice is to scour second hand book dealers for a book by a priest called Fr. Kinsella called ‘The Wife Desired’ - buy it and while you’re at it, buy his other book, “The Man for Her”.

Were you very independent before you married this man? Did you grow up thinking “if you want a job doing - do it yourself?” What about your husband’s past experiences? People who are so detached usually either grew up being told they were useless, so have stopped bothering; or are afraid ir unwilling to voice an opinion or question a decision for fear of being told they are stupid. People don’t just get that way overnight (or even after 2 years of marriage )

Men do think differently to women and that’s something you just have to accept because it’s never going to change. If you’re in charge of all the cooking and shopping though - why is he fat? Could there be an underlying medical problem / food intolerance?

 

[Xantippe]

Men do think differently to women and that’s something you just have to accept because it’s never going to change. If you’re in charge of all the cooking and shopping though - why is he fat? Could there be an underlying medical problem / food intolerance?

There could easily be a medical problem, but I don’t know that cooking and shopping will keep a spouse out of 7-11 or from taking third helpings.

 

[LightBound]

My advice is to scour second hand book dealers for a book by a priest called Fr. Kinsella called ‘The Wife Desired’ - buy it and while you’re at it, buy his other book, “The Man for Her”.

Were you very independent before you married this man? Did you grow up thinking “if you want a job doing - do it yourself?” What about your husband’s past experiences? People who are so detached usually either grew up being told they were useless, so have stopped bothering; or are afraid ir unwilling to voice an opinion or question a decision for fear of being told they are stupid. People don’t just get that way overnight (or even after 2 years of marriage )

Men do think differently to women and that’s something you just have to accept because it’s never going to change. If you’re in charge of all the cooking and shopping though - why is he fat? Could there be an underlying medical problem / food intolerance?

No need to pay money for the nostalgic look at the ideal 1950’s housewife…it’s right here:
ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/WIFEDESR.TXT

 

[UbiCaritas]

There could easily be a medical problem, but I don’t know that cooking and shopping will keep a spouse out of 7-11 or from taking third helpings.

Right. In my case, DH is underweight, and I occasionally get comments about “I thought that now that he’s married, he’d finally gain some weight. Don’t you feed him?” Well, I cook what he likes (within reason), and he’s welcome to eat as much as he wants. He’s just never had much of an appetite. He’s also an adult, and I’m not going to force-feed him.

 

[NurseyJ]

I very much appreciate the responses. He has always been a “laid back type” and I can’t say that I didn’t see the writing on the wall before we got married. Before we said I do, we broke up many times (me with him) over 5 years because I felt that we were not on the same page (different energy levels, different interests—me many, him none). Yet, he (at least verbally) expressed an interest in pursuing the same life goals/values as me. He worked very hard to convince me that we were more of a match than I really believed we were deep down. So, we went head first into it, though I had my reservations–immature, I know.

So, a huge part of me blames myself for not listening to my higher thinking at the time. I guess I naively hoped that all would straighten itself out in time, but in truth, marriage has a way of really exposing and testing those weaknesses, and it certainly has for us.

He has grown comfortable and complacent while I have grown resentful and tired of wearing the pants. I guess that one good thing is that he acknowledges that he has fallen very short of his role as a husband. Now it is time for him to show good faith in making an effort and I have to do my part to encourage, not control, and not belittle him. I just pray that respect and love can be regained.

Your prayers and advice are very appreciated.