Lost that Loving Feeling? things you wish your spouse would do

[soccerDad]

Have you read a previous thread, “Help - I don’t like my husband”?

A common theme I seem to get is an uncommunicated expectation or need that is not being met. I find only during the worst situations will my wife say “I wish you would…” Among the list: show more affection (not sex), be more interested in my work, make the school lunches, ask me how I’m doing, take me to the movies, look more like Brad Pitt, etc. etc.

Do all wives think their husbands are not doing enough? What do they wish their husbands would do, really, instead of walking in the door and going to the study, or in my case coming to the door, since I’m home first? Is there something, or is it just complaining, so there will always be something?

I wish my spouse would work less. I would give up many comforts for this. I wish she would stay in bed in the morning maybe once a week. She really hates to hear this.

 

[_Jenn]

Honestly, I am a wonderfully satisfied wife. My dh is wonderful - and what I wish he’d do is continue to be the wonderful man he is.

 

[kaymart]

Most of my married life(30years) I been a stay at home wife/mom. I truly believe it is the woman responsibility to make the home a comfortable place for the man to come home to. He works very hard and I would never “drop” my duities on him. I feel sad when I hear whining of young stay at home moms, he doesn’t help out at all, I’m here all day, whine, whine, whine. I know I’ll get a lot of flack here, but did he ever ask you to go to his job because he’s tired all day long with that nasty old boss, all that work and so on…My husband was involved in major decsions, their schooling, Religious education, Cub Scouts with our oldest boy and things like that. But I did not bother him with who fought with who, or this one did not pick up her toys ect. He was not involved in changing diapers, what’s for dinner, washing clothes ect. He did major chores such as remodeling our kitchen but it’s my job to keep it clean. And although not perfect, we never lost that loving feeling.

 

[La_Chiara]

SoccerDad–I think such sentiments are the result of stress in a family. We are so overwhelmed by all we want to do and we react by thinking it would be so much better if the other person changes. I was guilty of that kind of thinking in the first 10 years of my marriage. Maybe it is a female thing–men (it seems to me) tend not to be as critical of their wives as the wives are of their husbands. Reducing the stress in our lives went a long way to reducing the discontent underlying such sentiments. Unfortunately, when we are on the treadmill of life, it is hard to slow down (or get off the treadmill)!

 

[Princess_Abby]

It sounds like your wife has given you a list, so if you wanted to change things in your household, it sounds very do-able… showing affection more often can be so simple and yet so appreciated…a kiss and hug while she’s making dinner, or grabbing her in a hug when she comes in from work. Ask her if she would like to be held when there is a quiet moment you both have to spare. She wants you to ask how she’s doing and really listen to the answer…ask questions, remember what she said yesterday… maybe plan a date night every couple weeks to the movies (meaning hire a babysitter yourself and let her know what the plan is) and make school lunches every once in awhile. You could even do that before you go to bed and stick them all in the fridge. Plenty of parents do that.

I bet if you just started doing these things for her, some of what you want might fall into place. Giving usually turns into getting.

Anyway, I am extremely happy with my husband. We have a habit of checking in with each other though and asking what the other wants or needs. This creates a feeling of being nurtured and knowing we are loved and cared for, that our desires and feelings matter to each other.

 

[felra]

La Chiara:

SoccerDad–I think such sentiments are the result of stress in a family. We are so overwhelmed by all we want to do and we react by thinking it would be so much better if the other person changes. I was guilty of that kind of thinking in the first 10 years of my marriage. Maybe it is a female thing–men (it seems to me) tend not to be as critical of their wives as the wives are of their husbands. Reducing the stress in our lives went a long way to reducing the discontent underlying such sentiments. Unfortunately, when we are on the treadmill of life, it is hard to slow down (or get off the treadmill)!

Good observation. In my personal experience and observation, this seems to be be a most common experience that men tend to back burner their discontentment moreso than their female counterpart. I have found that it helps at times to point out the amount of stress and treadmill existence as a couple with kids that we are under. Alot of the discontentment were found to be symptoms of stress and fatigue.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

soccerDad:

Have you read a previous thread, “Help - I don’t like my husband”?

A common theme I seem to get is an uncommunicated expectation or need that is not being met. I find only during the worst situations will my wife say “I wish you would…” Among the list: show more affection (not sex), be more interested in my work, make the school lunches, ask me how I’m doing, take me to the movies, look more like Brad Pitt, etc. etc.

Do all wives think their husbands are not doing enough? What do they wish their husbands would do, really, instead of walking in the door and going to the study, or in my case coming to the door, since I’m home first? Is there something, or is it just complaining, so there will always be something?

I wish my spouse would work less. I would give up many comforts for this. I wish she would stay in bed in the morning maybe once a week. She really hates to hear this.

It doesn’t matter what all wives think. It matters what your wife thinks.

I remember hearing about an a lecture from the '50s, titled “How to Get Your Wife to Treat You Like a King.” Of course what followed were 101 ways to treat her like a queen.

First off, if she’s already told you some things, try to do those things. Show more affection, both the hugging kind and the verbal kind. Talk to her. Tell her what’s up with you… not complaining, just what’s on your plate. Ask her what’s up at work at a time when she can answer. Take a day a week when she can depend on you to do a chore that usually falls on her, like the school lunches… tell her, “You’d like help with lunches… how about you give me a day a week that’s mine, and you can make other plans?” She might rather you help in some other way, like making the sandwiches every morning, but asking is the way to find out.

Set up a date night or a regular lunch out together, even if it’s once a month. Give her regularly-scheduled time to herself.

After that, look for things that she might need help with and ask her if she’d like you to take on that part of the parental labor, at least once in awhile. Or just encourage her to let more of it go for longer in order to take more time for herself. Insistence that she take time for herself is a great gift.

Dr. Phil says his goal is to be able to have his wife walk into any room of a 1,000 women and feel that none of them is treated better than she is. You gonna get beaten by Dr. Phil?

 

[felra]

~Jenn~:

Honestly, I am a wonderfully satisfied wife. My dh is wonderful - and what I wish he’d do is continue to be the wonderful man he is.

We are happy for you, but this does not apply to or help the OP.

 

[rayne89]

I think we both had “lists” earlier in our marriage. We’ve kind of worked it out over the years.

Hubby has learned not just be affection at times when wants sex - and I have learned he likes black and sexy as opposed to pink in frilly when it comes to bedroom attire.

I am a horrible house keeper, it’s a flaw my hubby has learned to live with and has bailed me out on a number of occasions when we were going to be having company over. (I do show my appreciation later - I joke to my husband a clean house makes me feel much more “affectionate.”) Actually we discussed the fact that my friends all have well kept homes but all seem to avoid sex like the plague. Let’s just say my hubby prefers a messy house.

I have gotten up every morning (until hubby went on afternoons) and made hubby’s lunch and coffee and then dropped back into bed after he walked out the door. Not because I particularily liked getting up before the sun came up but because it made my husbands morning less hectic. SInce he tends to roll out of bed at the last minute. I’ve learned to play the card game Magic because since hubby got out of the Navy he had no one he knew to play it with and he missed it. It wasn’t on my list of things I wanted to do but it made him happy.

My husband really does go “above and beyond the call of duty” but he also knows how much I appreciate what he does. I do not take him for granted.

Not 100% of the time but I think often when one spouse starts giving what the other needs it makes it easier for the other spouse to do the same. Maybe if you were more affectionate, take an interest in her work, make lunches sometimes she would spend mornings in bed with you sometimes, and take a day off sometimes.

The Brad Pitt thing…well can’t help ya there.

 

[La_Chiara]

felra:

We are happy for you, but this does not apply to or help the OP.

Well, then this doesn’t “apply to or help the OP”, either.

Princess_Abby:

Anyway, I am extremely happy with my husband. We have a habit of checking in with each other though and asking what the other wants or needs. This creates a feeling of being nurtured and knowing we are loved and cared for, that our desires and feelings matter to each other.

 

[La_Chiara]

BLB_Oregon:

Dr. Phil says his goal is to be able to have his wife walk into any room of a 1,000 women and feel that none of them is treated better than she is. You gonna get beaten by Dr. Phil?

I could be wrong but wasn’t Dr. Phil married before–that is, divorced and remarried?

If so, I hope that the rest of us don’t have to get it wrong and get divorced before we get it right (as he did).

 

[1ke]

soccerDad:

Have you read a previous thread, “Help - I don’t like my husband”?

A common theme I seem to get is an uncommunicated expectation or need that is not being met. I find only during the worst situations will my wife say “I wish you would…” Among the list: show more affection (not sex), be more interested in my work, make the school lunches, ask me how I’m doing, take me to the movies, look more like Brad Pitt, etc. etc.

Do all wives think their husbands are not doing enough? What do they wish their husbands would do, really, instead of walking in the door and going to the study, or in my case coming to the door, since I’m home first? Is there something, or is it just complaining, so there will always be something?

I wish my spouse would work less. I would give up many comforts for this. I wish she would stay in bed in the morning maybe once a week. She really hates to hear this.

I’m going to recommend three books:

For Better Forever by Greg Popcak
The Five Love Languages (Gary Chapman I think)
His Needs, Her Needs (forget off the top of my head)

I think that it is all about expectations, and it’s also about how we get our emotional needs met.

You see the things she’s asking for as disappointment in you, however that’s not really the case. They are indicators that her emotional needs are not being met in the way she needs them met. You may believe you are doing all sorts of things, and feel that the things she’s asking for are excessive since you are already doing things… but you may be doing the things that would meet your emotional needs. And, perhaps you feel a little empty because she’s doing things that are not meaningful to you and not doing the things that would be meaningful to you.

Honestly, these books are really good.

My DH and I work hard to do the things that emotionally fulfill the other… it’s not always easy.

 

[felra]

Princess_Abby:

It sounds like your wife has given you a list, so if you wanted to change things in your household, it sounds very do-able… showing affection more often can be so simple and yet so appreciated…a kiss and hug while she’s making dinner, or grabbing her in a hug when she comes in from work. Ask her if she would like to be held when there is a quiet moment you both have to spare. She wants you to ask how she’s doing and really listen to the answer…ask questions, remember what she said yesterday… maybe plan a date night every couple weeks to the movies (meaning hire a babysitter yourself and let her know what the plan is) and make school lunches every once in awhile. You could even do that before you go to bed and stick them all in the fridge. Plenty of parents do that.

I bet if you just started doing these things for her, some of what you want might fall into place. Giving usually turns into getting.

Anyway, I am extremely happy with my husband. We have a habit of checking in with each other though and asking what the other wants or needs. This creates a feeling of being nurtured and knowing we are loved and cared for, that our desires and feelings matter to each other.

This is great practical advice to heed. My wife loves to know that I am thinking about her during the day. Those “honey do” lists are indispensible for tangible gestures of meeting needs (KISS principle).

 

[Cupofkindness]

I agree with LaChiara as well. All of this stress makes people restless, wanting something else, but not certain of what that really means. And I also think people are lonelier, due to economic pressures that relocate individuals and their families of procreation far, far away from their families of origin. The loss of a meaningful community, plus the notion (as unrealistic as it often may be) that anything in life is possible, puts a tremendous strain on a marriage. Only through daily prayer as a couple and honest communication will marriage be what both partners hoped for.

 

[felra]

A common theme I seem to get is an uncommunicated expectation or need that is not being met.

It took a while to get into place in my marriage the preventative measure of “we cannot read each other’s mind”.

Do all wives think their husbands are not doing enough? What do they wish their husbands would do, really, instead of walking in the door and going to the study, or in my case coming to the door, since I’m home first? Is there something, or is it just complaining, so there will always be something?

Part of this may be your wife’s way to simply ventilate frustration and trying to connect her day with you. I use the visual image of a bucket that represents my wife’s needs, that as her husband I do my best to keep filled to the brim (this is the goal/ideal), while recognizing from prior experience, that the bucket is poked through with holes that allow all my gestures, efforts, … to not hold longstanding retention (“But I already told you three times today that I love you!”). It can seem exasperating at times.

 

[TarAshly]

~Jenn~:

Honestly, I am a wonderfully satisfied wife. My dh is wonderful - and what I wish he’d do is continue to be the wonderful man he is.

Ditto! We have our problems but i wouldnt change a thing about him. He cooks and takes care of the house during the week because i am back in school, he even does the laundry AND he figured out what the iron is for !

 

[kage_ar]

I can give you what I hear from other husbands/wives – and something that sagged for awhile in our marriage – talking means more than talking about jobs/kids/house and even feelings. Remember conversation – remember long discussions, even debates? Politics, religion, movies, books, sports, style – don’t just talk – have real discussions, heck – debate something J Exercise the ole’ mind with the spouse. You will be surprised how engaging he/she has remained or become.

 

[Peace-bwu]

My husband and I have been married for 10 yrs, He’s a busy Air Force Flyer, Im a stay at home/ homeschool mom. He is awesome! I don’t know how he does it but is amazing at balancing his career and family. When he is home he is really at home. He splits the housework and childcare with me. He takes the kids to their soccer (and even helps coach on myson’s team) and to Karate and wherever if I need him to, he gives me breaks (even though I never feel totally rested!) We are both super busy people, but we enjoy the fact that the kids are on a good schedule with an 8:00 bedtime, so we spend a few hours every night(when he’s not on a mission) just enjoying each other’s company, watching a movie, being romatic whatever.

The only thing I wish he would do is find a babysitter and take me out, just the two of us. It would show me that he still likes to be with me alone, that he is not just going through the motions. I sometimes worry that I’m just another responsibility to him. He doesn’t act that way, and he truly loves me, I know that. I just sometimes think about when we first started dating as teenagers and wonder if he ever wishes I still looked that young and new! with a wiggle in my walk and a spring in my step and a head full of smart ideas and excitement for the possibilities. We used to have so much fun doing outdoor sports together, and now they are severly tamed down to include our kids. I just hope he likes who I am now, a busy worn out mom who tries really hard to still look good, and give him all the love I have, even though I am totally and completely exhausted ! I want him to be truly happy, I want all good things for him. I strive to be the wife he deserves. I know he does the same for me, I just think it’s time to find a babysitter and go out without needing to tell people to not yell, or bicker, or get up three times at the table to take little ones to the potty. Not that we dont’ love it our kids are wonderful, it just get really exhausting no matter how used we are to it!

Hmm… .my parents are visiting this weekend maybe I can talk my mom into puttiing them to bed one night and staying here while we go to a movie and romantic dinner for two…

I guess I want the opportunity to show him that I can still be smart and exciting, and maybe I acutally need to prove it to myself.

 

[Peace-bwu]

soccerDad:

Have you read a previous thread, “Help - I don’t like my husband”?

A common theme I seem to get is an uncommunicated expectation or need that is not being met. I find only during the worst situations will my wife say “I wish you would…” Among the list: show more affection (not sex), be more interested in my work, make the school lunches, ask me how I’m doing, take me to the movies, look more like Brad Pitt, etc. etc.

Do all wives think their husbands are not doing enough? What do they wish their husbands would do, really, instead of walking in the door and going to the study, or in my case coming to the door, since I’m home first? Is there something, or is it just complaining, so there will always be something?

I wish my spouse would work less. I would give up many comforts for this. I wish she would stay in bed in the morning maybe once a week. She really hates to hear this.

Show more affection… OK GO for it, send her little emails or cards and the occasional flowers to work,(or whatever else is special to her) just out of the blue to suprise her, think if something special the two of you enjoyed while you were dating or early in your marriage, perhaps a special drink or restuarant, music etc. and go down memory lane with her by enjoying those things again on a date. Hug her, kiss her, rub her back, (WITHOUT her asking!) Write her a love letter,

More interested in work? Ask her about work, if you don’t think it’s exciting, try to find something interesting about her work, and pretend you are out on a date for teh first time and know nothing about her job if you must. Imagine if you worked so hard at something all day and nobody cared enough to validate your work. You start to feel like all the work and effort holds no meaning.

Make school lunches more often. Your kids might not like them, but hey, they get what they get.

Take her to the movies this weekend

Does she really say she wishes you looked more like Brad Pitt? IF so, that’s mean…if she is asking you to shave or cut your hair or dress differently I guess you could give it a try.

If you do all these things and make her feel really wanted loved and appreciated… she might just not want to get out of bed in the morning.

Remember too, that if you are already doing your personal best, then it’s not your fault that you didn’t think of doing the things she is asking, it just might be that you value different sorts of things from your relationship, so you didnt’ think of these things as high on the priority list as she. nobody is at fault…

IF you try all these seeminly do-able fixes and she still complains, consider that it might not be *you *but her stressful life that she is frustrated, and she is grasping for reasons causing her to feel this way.

 

[gardenswithkids]

soccerDad:

What do they wish their husbands would do, really…? Is there something, or is it just complaining, so there will always be something?

I think St. Paul had it right when he told husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church. Yes, I’m looking for nothing short of perfection. Until husbands are perfect, most wives will always find something to complain about. It’s our job–we’re suppose to help make you more like Jesus so you’ll be ready for heaven.

So, think about what we, the Church, want from Jesus. Do you want Jesus to only see our flaws, or do you want Him to look past the flaws to see His beautiful bride? Do you want Him to ignore prayers and concerns, or do you want Him to listen, sometimes fixing the problem, sometimes just comforting and holding us close so we can endure the struggles of life? Those are just some examples to help you think about what your wife might want.

It is also your job to help make your wife ready for heaven, just as Jesus does for us. Sacrifice yourself and offer your help and grace so your wife can become the person God wants her to be.