T
Tweety
Guest
I have also been in that darkness, no money etc… But i want to start with the** most **important thing to me at the moment - the suicide issue.
My poor daddy committed suicide in 2005. I know he is in a better place, out of his financial situation, and more so, not in pain any more. I also know that he is forgiven, but the ** hole** that it has left inside me is just not capable of being refilled. Thank God i have my faith and my Church. He felt that he couldn’t talk to me, yet he could. He did ring his cousin’s wife and left a message for me the night he passed away and i am thankful for that, but we didn’t speak for 10 years, didn’t see eachother for 25 years. We were both stubborn, he more than me. I tried to make contact, wrote him letters, sent photos etc but he just couldn’t talk to me. He knew i loved him, had no issues, nothing to forgive etc, but still he chose to do what he did, hoping i would never find out. His message was that he loved me, and that “Blood is thicker than water.” Also that we would see eachother the next year, as he knew i was yearning to see him again and for him to meet my husband and son. Yet still, he could not ring me - from loving me too much, as he knew it would near destroy me. BUT I would have PREFERRED it, let me tell you! I adored my daddy… But he felt so ashamed of what his life had become, a very handsome man to a man who lost all his teeth, was never a big man, but a tall man, and lost lots of weight as he was sick in the end and they couldn’t find out what was wrong… he was a very well known business man, had race horses - was on television giving tips at one stage, newspaper interviews and lots and lots of $$$. 3 homes, a restaraunt, the good life. Then we lost it ALL. He left my mum & moved away, mum and i lost the house and had nowhere to live, bills to pay… We did it hard. My dad’s, mum’s, brother’s or my life has never been the same since that happened in 1978. As for personal grief, i have been molested by my aunty’s husband (have forgiven, but refuse to call him ‘uncle’ as a real uncle wouldn’t do that.), raped by my ex and lots of other mishaps. Severe RSI, on compo for 5 years, operations… Through it all, i had my faith in God and the Catholic Church. Even when i stopped going years ago, i always kept the love of the faith, it’s just that the desire to go to Mass on a regular basis left me. Please do not do what i did. Keep on receiving Jesus in the Holy Eucharist, let up on yourself in confession… Maybe the Priest just wants you to do that my friend. You will be missing out on something so** huge **in our faith.
My father wrote ‘no funeral’ on one of his notes, he lost his faith… Said to throw his things in the rubbish, or give them to charity. Said sorry to so many people who had been good to him where he had lived the last 20 years, said sorry to lots of people also. He had a conscience… I heard that he had gone to Christmas Mass the year before he died, he died in June.
I don’t know your situation, but i beg you, if you can - please talk to someone from your family. Maybe your family just don’t know how to *show *you they love you…
In regards to everything else you are going through, as St Padre Pio said “Pray, Trust and Don’t Worry.” I don’t know what other comfort i can give you, as i have been in the deep, dark hole and remember distinctly what it felt like, and i don’t know that anyone could have made me feel better really… Pray… Know that he does hear you. Cry out to him. I felt so depressed and overtaken by grief and i called out to Jesus to console me, i sobbed so heavily, i was trembling all over ** and he put his loving arms around me. Call out to him, in his name and ask his Blessed Mother to console you as only a mother can. She is your **mother too.
Medication did help me, sometimes i think i should be back on it! I still have my dark days, but i also still have Jesus!
I will keep you in my prayers.
Tweety
My poor daddy committed suicide in 2005. I know he is in a better place, out of his financial situation, and more so, not in pain any more. I also know that he is forgiven, but the ** hole** that it has left inside me is just not capable of being refilled. Thank God i have my faith and my Church. He felt that he couldn’t talk to me, yet he could. He did ring his cousin’s wife and left a message for me the night he passed away and i am thankful for that, but we didn’t speak for 10 years, didn’t see eachother for 25 years. We were both stubborn, he more than me. I tried to make contact, wrote him letters, sent photos etc but he just couldn’t talk to me. He knew i loved him, had no issues, nothing to forgive etc, but still he chose to do what he did, hoping i would never find out. His message was that he loved me, and that “Blood is thicker than water.” Also that we would see eachother the next year, as he knew i was yearning to see him again and for him to meet my husband and son. Yet still, he could not ring me - from loving me too much, as he knew it would near destroy me. BUT I would have PREFERRED it, let me tell you! I adored my daddy… But he felt so ashamed of what his life had become, a very handsome man to a man who lost all his teeth, was never a big man, but a tall man, and lost lots of weight as he was sick in the end and they couldn’t find out what was wrong… he was a very well known business man, had race horses - was on television giving tips at one stage, newspaper interviews and lots and lots of $$$. 3 homes, a restaraunt, the good life. Then we lost it ALL. He left my mum & moved away, mum and i lost the house and had nowhere to live, bills to pay… We did it hard. My dad’s, mum’s, brother’s or my life has never been the same since that happened in 1978. As for personal grief, i have been molested by my aunty’s husband (have forgiven, but refuse to call him ‘uncle’ as a real uncle wouldn’t do that.), raped by my ex and lots of other mishaps. Severe RSI, on compo for 5 years, operations… Through it all, i had my faith in God and the Catholic Church. Even when i stopped going years ago, i always kept the love of the faith, it’s just that the desire to go to Mass on a regular basis left me. Please do not do what i did. Keep on receiving Jesus in the Holy Eucharist, let up on yourself in confession… Maybe the Priest just wants you to do that my friend. You will be missing out on something so** huge **in our faith.
My father wrote ‘no funeral’ on one of his notes, he lost his faith… Said to throw his things in the rubbish, or give them to charity. Said sorry to so many people who had been good to him where he had lived the last 20 years, said sorry to lots of people also. He had a conscience… I heard that he had gone to Christmas Mass the year before he died, he died in June.
I don’t know your situation, but i beg you, if you can - please talk to someone from your family. Maybe your family just don’t know how to *show *you they love you…
In regards to everything else you are going through, as St Padre Pio said “Pray, Trust and Don’t Worry.” I don’t know what other comfort i can give you, as i have been in the deep, dark hole and remember distinctly what it felt like, and i don’t know that anyone could have made me feel better really… Pray… Know that he does hear you. Cry out to him. I felt so depressed and overtaken by grief and i called out to Jesus to console me, i sobbed so heavily, i was trembling all over ** and he put his loving arms around me. Call out to him, in his name and ask his Blessed Mother to console you as only a mother can. She is your **mother too.
Medication did help me, sometimes i think i should be back on it! I still have my dark days, but i also still have Jesus!
I will keep you in my prayers.
Tweety