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28562

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I am so tired of trying so freaking hard and failing. My head is sore from banging it against a wall. I’m sick of being slapped in the face with rejection. I’m hate myself and hate failing to be the person I want to be. I have no one to talk to about anything. I just want someone to tell me how to think and feel and what to do because I just don’t know anymore. I just want to be

I don’t even know how to finish that last sentence.

:crying::crying::nope::imsorry:
 
I’ve been there. It’s when everything I try to do just doesn’t work. When I have a problem I just can’t solve and I’m at the end of my rope. It’s time to give all your disappointments, rejections, confusion to God. Ask him to take over. He can and will take care of you. He knows what you need. He will give you what you need.

Saying a prayer for you.
 
"Mummsie:
Ask him to take over
28562 said:
I don’t know how.
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If you can speak, or even think, the words “take over, God”, you do indeed know how. Just say it from your heart, as often as you need to. The more you do, the more you’ll be able to articulate that which is currently hidden from you deeper in your heart.

Spend as much time in front of the Blessed Sacrament while doing this exercise if you can.
 
I don’t know how old you are or what circumstances you are in. But trust me, I think we’ve all been there. Take it from someone who has tried and failed at several things in life, “it gets better.” And all I can do is pray for you.
 
28562 said:
I am so tired of trying so freaking hard and failing. My head is sore from banging it against a wall. I’m sick of being slapped in the face with rejection. I’m hate myself and hate failing to be the person I want to be. I have no one to talk to about anything. I just want someone to tell me how to think and feel and what to do because I just don’t know anymore. I just want to be

I don’t even know how to finish that last sentence.

:crying::crying::nope::imsorry:
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You sound to me like this song is just for you.
 
Do you know, do you really believe that your Heavenly Father created for a purpose?
Do you believe that purpose is to be in love with Him and by Him?

Do you believe that God knows you better than you know yourself?
Do you believe that He cares about you more than you could ever care about yourself?

Do you believe that nothing you experience, no failure, no success, no sin, no grace-- NOTHING about you surprises Him? Do you believe-- REALLY believe-- that everything you’re experiencing He’s always known about?

I believe it. I believe that your Heavenly Father created you, knows you, loves you, has always known who you would be, what you would choose. I believe our Heavenly Father has forever and ever foreseen this moment of defeat. He has forever and ever desired to b here for you. He’s always planned to be your Way, your Truth and your Life.

And if your life consists of hundreds and hundreds of moments of defeat, He’s longed to be your God throughout all of them.

Believe this. Its true.
 
Based on your other posts, the only thing you are failing at is “getting sex”.
Perhaps you should give up on that for a while and just focus on being a good Christian, a good father, a good husband , a good employee. You can be all that even if you don’t have sexualintimacy with your spouse and you can find fulfillment in that.

You are letting your wive’s rejection define you as a person, and that is not healthy. I know we are biologically and spiritually wired to crave this intimate union with our spouse but we should not let that control us.

Your situation sounds very much like someone who is dieting while constantly obssessing over food. Instead of focusing on the goal (being healthy) the person focuses on all the foods she has to give up and soon finds herself enslaved to an evergrowing obssession which degenarates into othr detrimental habits and behaviours.
  1. Turn over to God knowing that ALL of this trial is permitted because a greater good can come of it and that He can give you strength and peace and even joy during this time.
  2. Find a counselor if you have no priest or trusted spiritual director ( the SD can be anyone well versed and strong in the faith)
The sooner we quit complaining and embrace our cross, the sooner Christ takes over.
 
1inICXC said:
Based on your other posts, the only thing you are failing at is “getting sex”.
Perhaps you should give up on that for a while and just focus on being a good Christian, a good father, a good husband , a good employee. You can be all that even if you don’t have sexualintimacy with your spouse and you can find fulfillment in that.
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Sex is not what it’s all about. It’s a symptom of the root cause. I have realized and accepted that and no matter what I do, I feel like I am taking steps backwards in fixing our relationship. I’m just lost and feel like I have nowhere to turn. The frustration and hopelessness is getting the best of me.

I have been trying to be all the things you mentioned. It has made my past mistakes so blatantly obvious to me and I now know how much damage I have caused throughout my marriage just out of ignorance. I wish someone had sat down with me before we got married and explained how things are supposed to work in a marriage. I could have avoided so much pain for both of us. I want so badly to be a different man than I have been and my wife to see me as that man. I can pray for it as much as I want, but it doesn’t change the hurt that she feels. When I try to make her feel better and sort things out, it always gets worse.

I feel like I can do everything in my power to be a good man and it will never matter. I am not looking forward to going home tonight after work. We both know things are not good right now and I don’t want to just pretend that they are. I also have no desire to talk about anything again. This has been going on all week. Every conversation we have seems to get closer to the main cause, but it also causes us to be hurt. I just don’t want to see her feelings hurt anymore, so it seems best to never bring anything else up and try to move on and deal with my feelings myself while doing all I can to make her happy.
 
28562 said:
I am so tired of trying so freaking hard and failing. My head is sore from banging it against a wall. I’m sick of being slapped in the face with rejection. I’m hate myself and hate failing to be the person I want to be. I have no one to talk to about anything. I just want someone to tell me how to think and feel and what to do because I just don’t know anymore. I just want to be

I don’t even know how to finish that last sentence.

:crying::crying::nope::imsorry:
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trust that you need to talk to someone. a friend, a priest, a counsellor.
 
28562 said:
Sex is not what it’s all about. It’s a symptom of the root cause. I have realized and accepted that and no matter what I do, I feel like I am taking steps backwards in fixing our relationship. I’m just lost and feel like I have nowhere to turn. The frustration and hopelessness is getting the best of me.

I have been trying to be all the things you mentioned. It has made my past mistakes so blatantly obvious to me and I now know how much damage I have caused throughout my marriage just out of ignorance. I wish someone had sat down with me before we got married and explained how things are supposed to work in a marriage. I could have avoided so much pain for both of us. I want so badly to be a different man than I have been and my wife to see me as that man. I can pray for it as much as I want, but it doesn’t change the hurt that she feels. When I try to make her feel better and sort things out, it always gets worse.

I feel like I can do everything in my power to be a good man and it will never matter. I am not looking forward to going home tonight after work. We both know things are not good right now and I don’t want to just pretend that they are. I also have no desire to talk about anything again. This has been going on all week. Every conversation we have seems to get closer to the main cause, but it also causes us to be hurt. I just don’t want to see her feelings hurt anymore, so it seems best to never bring anything else up and try to move on and deal with my feelings myself while doing all I can to make her happy.
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You two have the rest of your life to prove that to her. Don’t rush results. You have to face your pain, and suffering and offer it up. Relationships and true love are not fast food. You want your results too quickly.

Keep trying to do the right things, that you now know you are supposed to be doing and things will turn around, but probably not as you expected.
 
28562 said:
Sex is not what it’s all about. It’s a symptom of the root cause. I have realized and accepted that and no matter what I do, I feel like I am taking steps backwards in fixing our relationship. I’m just lost and feel like I have nowhere to turn. The frustration and hopelessness is getting the best of me.

I have been trying to be all the things you mentioned. It has made my past mistakes so blatantly obvious to me and I now know how much damage I have caused throughout my marriage just out of ignorance. I wish someone had sat down with me before we got married and explained how things are supposed to work in a marriage. I could have avoided so much pain for both of us. I want so badly to be a different man than I have been and my wife to see me as that man. I can pray for it as much as I want, but it doesn’t change the hurt that she feels. When I try to make her feel better and sort things out, it always gets worse.

I feel like I can do everything in my power to be a good man and it will never matter. I am not looking forward to going home tonight after work. We both know things are not good right now and I don’t want to just pretend that they are. I also have no desire to talk about anything again. This has been going on all week. Every conversation we have seems to get closer to the main cause, but it also causes us to be hurt. I just don’t want to see her feelings hurt anymore, so it seems best to never bring anything else up and try to move on and deal with my feelings myself while doing all I can to make her happy.
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It’s only been recently where I have truly experienced coming to the absolute END of me and what I can do myself. I’m 55 years old and have always felt that I can do SOMETHING to fix things myself. Even if I pray and ask God for help, I always felt as if I still had some power over the situation. But recently, I have experienced several situations that are COMPLETELY out of my control. Unmanageable, as it were. The despair is overwhelming, when you realize that in effect, you have broken your life and can do nothing to fix it. If it’s something that only involved me, I might still try, but others are involved, and I can do NOTHING to fix them, not even their misperceptions of me or my motives.

It is in those moments of recognition that “God, I broke my life,” that Jesus is nearest to us. Because we need Him then, we are not trying to do it all ourselves, our hearts are the most sincere and pure. Pray to Jesus to enfold you with His love and give it ALL to him, ALL of your pain, doubt, fear, the wreckage of your life. HE is the only one who can heal you. HE is the one you need. Not anything you can do by yourself. Let Him lead you where He needs you to follow. Listen to Him closely and He WILL help you.

Getting into these very painful discussions can be rough ground and it usually helps to be in the presence of a 3rd party to help you get through the really bad patches. It’s like having GPS on a journey you are unfamiliar with. I hope you can find someone who can help you and your wife. I know it’s not only about sex. There’s a lot more underneath that issue.
 
28562 said:
Sex is not what it’s all about. It’s a symptom of the root cause. I have realized and accepted that and no matter what I do, I feel like I am taking steps backwards in fixing our relationship. I’m just lost and feel like I have nowhere to turn. The frustration and hopelessness is getting the best of me.

I have been trying to be all the things you mentioned. It has made my past mistakes so blatantly obvious to me and I now know how much damage I have caused throughout my marriage just out of ignorance. I wish someone had sat down with me before we got married and explained how things are supposed to work in a marriage. I could have avoided so much pain for both of us. I want so badly to be a different man than I have been and my wife to see me as that man. I can pray for it as much as I want, but it doesn’t change the hurt that she feels. When I try to make her feel better and sort things out, it always gets worse.

I feel like I can do everything in my power to be a good man and it will never matter. I am not looking forward to going home tonight after work. We both know things are not good right now and I don’t want to just pretend that they are. I also have no desire to talk about anything again. This has been going on all week. Every conversation we have seems to get closer to the main cause, but it also causes us to be hurt. I just don’t want to see her feelings hurt anymore, so it seems best to never bring anything else up and try to move on and deal with my feelings myself while doing all I can to make her happy.
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I really feel for you as you are in a VERY hard place. I was thinking, get “The Love dare” book and do a book study together. It will help walk you through your past mistakes and the hurt and pain in a very instructive and constructive way. The chapters are also really short and easy and engaging to read.

I tend to be pretty critical of Protestant literature on love and marriage but ifind this book a very good supplement for troubled marriages, especially if counseling and marriage retreats aren’t an option.

God bless and praise Him for opening your eyes while you’re still so young!
 
Perhaps if you set your goal as doing God’s will, you will find more success. When your way isn’t working any more, only God can step in. Only God knows you completely. He knows what’s in your heart, mind and soul. Seek God to find out what he wants you to do. He will guide you. You, however, need to be ready to follow! I don’t think your situation arose overnight, and I doubt it will be resolved in “one aha moment”. One day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time. One hour of not causing you or your spouse pain can be a real blessing. Pray and allow some loving peace and quiet with your spouse.

Admitting you are powerless is tough; but it’s usually necessary to surrender to God’s will. Let God use you to achieve great things.

Continued prayers coming your way. God does Love you.
 
Thank you everyone for the prayers and advice. I appreciate it more than you know. I got off work yesterday and spent a couple hours at Church. I prayed the rosary a couple times and went to confession. I haven’t done either in a very long time and it felt so good. It is nice to know that I am right with God and I prayed a ton for His help with everything. I prayed for Him to help me give everything up and leave it up to Him. I cried a lot of tears yesterday while concentrating on trying to make my wife happy. I could barely say the Act of Contrition at the end of my confession between all the tears and trembling. It felt so good to get all of my problems out and speak to someone I know I can trust.

Now the problem is that my wife seems more unhappy the harder I try to make things right. I guess I just need to give it time. I am not that great at having patience when I want something so badly. I want her to see the changes in me and immediately be happy, but I know that is not realistic and it’s hard for me to deal with. I don’t think I have ever prayed as much as I have in the last couple days. I sure hope it works, because I can’t stand to see my wife sad. I think I have realized now that a lot of her sadness is not necessarily my doing (although it started it) but I think she is dealing with some issues herself. She has never been one to talk about things much…when I try to find out what is wrong and what we can do to fix things, she often shuts down and it just makes things that much worse. I think there is nothing else I can do right now except pray.

Just for clarification, we are not on the verge of divorce or seperation or anything of the sort…it is just absolutely killing me to see her sad and hurting.
 
So glad to hear you went to confession. MAJOR STEP in the right direction. It had to feel good to unload everything. Also, you’ve started an honest relationship with the Priest who you may want to call on at some time in the future. Praying the Rosary and Prayers are the best thing you can do now.

Sounds like your wife needs time to work out her unhappiness. Not easy, I’m sure. Especially, when you go it alone. In a couple of days you might want to tell her about going to confession and how much it helped you.

Put her in Gods arms…He’s Large and In Charge.

Continued prayers for both of you.
 
Have you been able to get into counseling for yourself yet? I know you said your wife won’t do it but you really need to do individual counseling. You even said yourself that part of what’s hard is having no one to talk to. With a good Catholic therapist you will have an open and objective listener who can help you navigate through these waters. If you keep trying on your own you may just keep getting discouraged and repeating history.
 
Schieffelin said:
Have you been able to get into counseling for yourself yet? I know you said your wife won’t do it but you really need to do individual counseling. You even said yourself that part of what’s hard is having no one to talk to. With a good Catholic therapist you will have an open and objective listener who can help you navigate through these waters. If you keep trying on your own you may just keep getting discouraged and repeating history.
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Funny you mention this…I really thought we were making headway on our own. Until Friday night. Our discussion went south in a hurry (no anger, yelling, etc…) and things have really sucked ever since. She just can’t understand what I am telling her, no matter how I put it.😦 I just left a message on the answering machine for our parish deacon, who is a family therapist also. Anxiously awaiting a return call…I hope he has time to talk this afternoon.

And yes, I am fighting the discouragement today again. No matter how hard I am trying, things don’t seem to improve at all between us. Maybe on the surface, but not underneath where it really needs to change. I am having a little more success today fighting it though…saying a lot of prayers to myself every time the sadness and frustration starts to creep in. It’s been working so far, but I know I can’t keep all this bottled up for long. I want to talk to her about it, but that’s only going to make everything worse because talking about us is the **very last **thing she wants to do. And it is the ****only ****thing I want to do…
 
I may be way out in left field here as I seem to find myself there quite often 🙂 but there was a thread concerning a man that was distraught over his marriage falling apart because he and his wife were losing step with one another and lost all communication. He too had hurt his wife and she just couldn’t move forward and no matter what he said things didn’t get better.

One of the men on CAF entered the thread and he said that he too had hurt his wife and lost all efforts of communication with her until one day as a last resort, he simply told her that she was his best friend. Nothing more nothing less.

Gads I almost broke down and cried when I read that. It was so simple that I could see where it could easily open up a window of communication.

Also, as soon as you feel as though you are at the end of your rope simply ask God to carry this burden for you just for awhile and he will.
 
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