Loud children at Mass. thoughts?

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The practice of leaving children at home was not the norm everywhere pre-V2. It also poses a real hardship for families - especially large ones - in this day and age when we don’t all live within walking distance of our parish.

I’m sympathetic to the desire for quiet, I really am. It may not look like it to other people who don’t know us, but believe me, we are constantly working on discipline. But when it comes to Mass, I think people need to let it go if they want families to be there. Encourage Adoration chapels or other opportunities for silent worship, but Mass is a communal thing.
 
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Those children are staying at home with whom? What about that adult’s Sunday obligation?

As someone said earlier, we can’t one the one hand encourage couples to have children and on the other hand demand that they keep the little noise makers at home.

I imagine that children have been fussy at mass since the first century.
 
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Okay
Regarding babies and toddlers;
When they cry, a parent should at least attempt to quiet them down.
A pacifier, a bounce on the knee, a gentle touch as a reminder, anything!
My issue is where parents do literally nothing at all, practically ignoring the fact that little Billy is crawling under the pews and making finger gun “bang bang” noises at other parishioners…
 
Carmelite1983 said:
My issue is where parents do literally nothing at all,
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I could literally repeat myself all day. But this is going to be the last time I say it, then I have to just let it go for a while, because I get so, so frustrated with this:

Just because you don’t see discipline, doesn’t mean a parent is not using it. You aren’t part of their family dynamic. You don’t know what happened before that family got there. You don’t know what will happen after. As much as you think you know, you just don’t.
 
<<Discipline during Mass may very well be one of the hardest things I have ever had to figure out as a parent.>>

You don’t discipline during Mass. You speak very firmly–before Mass–and let your kid know that if he makes so much as a peep in church, you will make sure to make him very, very unhappy once you are back home. AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT. My mother had no problem at all keeping me quiet during church. I knew I’d truly regret it if I acted up. She was one who believed in discipline and punishment. She had the quietest kid in church.
 
Carmelite1983 said:
We do have a “crying room”, but no one brings there kids there. It’s usually filled with adults trying to get away from the crying kids in the congregation…
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That seems like the best use for a “crying room.” I see no reason the children should have to leave the main worship space.

Matthew 19:14

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
 
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I agree,
But a lot of these kids I do in fact know, because I teach them at the school which is attached to the church, and I converse with their parents regularly.

I have great love for these kids, and I understand some difficulties, I have a special needs child myself,
But that doesn’t stop the fact that we get very distracted and frustrated when we can’t hear any of the sermons or readings.

I appreciate that these families need to be at Mass. I just don’t understand parents outright ignoring certain behaviors. Not even a pacifier, a bounce on the knee, or redirection of any kind?
Like I said, I know most of the families I’m thinking of, and I may not know what they are going through, it’s just tough when my wife has an anxiety problem of her own and can’t cope with constant distractions and noises.

Thank you for your response!
 
But at that rate I feel like I might as well just show up for communion and leave since I can’t hear anything else going on.

I’m not talking about the common babbling or loud squawks that you’d expect. It’s pretty bad sometimes.

Yes, all kids should be at Mass. I don’t disagree and I’m not saying they should leave.
 
I see your point. It sounds like you are extremely sensitive to such sounds. But be patent and keep this in mind. As a Church, we have only had crying children at Mass for a mere 2,000 years. I suppose we’re all still getting used to it. 😎
 
Shasta-Rose said:
You don’t discipline during Mass. You speak very firmly–before Mass–and let your kid know that if he makes so much as a peep in church, you will make sure to make him very, very unhappy once you are back home. AND THEN FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT. My mother had no problem at all keeping me quiet during church. I knew I’d truly regret it if I acted up. She was one who believed in discipline and punishment. She had the quietest kid in church.
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I had a lot of opinions about how to properly parent before I had children, too. Oh, how the mighty have fallen!
 
pensmama87 said:
Sometimes I think the only thing that would satisfy some people would be if I beat my child right there in the pew. 🤷‍♀️
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My mom always told me that if I didn’t be quiet she would pull my pants down on the spot and paddle me. I can’t attest to in happening in church because I don’t remember exactly where, but it happened once in public. I always behaved after she said that going forward. (For the record it was prettly light. My parents never even approached anything abusive.)

I suppose you’d have to be pretty darn brave to do that now. Although that was probably only 10-15 years ago.
 
As a mother and grandmother, I can block out a lot of noise from kids being kids. The OP is talking about when the kids have crossed that line and is ruining everyone’s experience if I understand correctly. Now, I am not a shy person and at a certain point, if the were near me, I WOULD go to the parent and nicely and sympathetically let them know that need to address it. I’m not talking about the parent that is trying…I’m talking about the ones that don’t seem to hear their own child’s noise. I would also offer to help her if she’d like…bounce the child on my knee, make silly faces, give them my keys, etc. it’s amazing how a stranger can sometimes accomplish what a parent can not. If the parent knows this won’t help, I’d certainly take her word for it but often the offer to help let’s them know that something needs to be done. Win/ win!
 
pensmama87 said:
I could literally repeat myself all day. But this is going to be the last time I say it, then I have to just let it go for a while, because I get so, so frustrated with this:

Just because you don’t see discipline, doesn’t mean a parent is not using it. You aren’t part of their family dynamic.
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The problem is, whatever their “family dynamic” is, their kid is seriously disturbing other people, beyond just normal baby crying or preschooler fidgeting. The kid is often invading other people’'s personal space. I have had kids fall on me during Mass, walk on my personal items that were sitting on a pew, practically kick me in the face while doing gymnastics on the pew seats. They stand on the seats, run down the seats, swing on the backs, run up and down the aisle during the homily. Whatever the “family dynamic” is, it doesn’t give the family a right to let their kid barge on everybody else. If I were in a restaurant, I would not expect an unruly kid to be swinging on the back of my chair or the edge of my table, or standing on my table or standing on the table 2 inches from mine. I feel the same about the pews and space in church.
 
Pattylt said:
I would also offer to help her if she’d like…bounce the child on my knee, make silly faces, give them my keys, etc. it’s amazing how a stranger can sometimes accomplish what a parent can not.
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I have sometimes made funny faces at babies or toddlers, but in this litigious world I would not volunteer to hold or touch someone’s unruly child unless the parents were my personal friends. The risk is just too great that you might end up blamed for something you didn’t do.
 
I’m not that fearful. I would never walk away from the parents with their child and I’d never just try to take the child without asking. I refuse to live that way but I am also a 66 yr old female so I’m not very threatening. Sometimes just talking to a crying child by a stranger immediately quiets them and their natural shyness causes instant silence. Ta da! Mission accomplished (at least for a few minutes). Fair or not, if a man or young adult asked to bounce the child I think many parents would decline and I understand their reservation in that situation. I hope I have one advantage to being an older female. Meanwhile, we can talk to the child or acknowledge that we “see” them. Depending on the child, of course, that can divert their attention from whatever they were fixated on and calm them down. Sometimes the kid is bored and wanting mommy’s attention, not really someone else’s and they stop. Just some things I’ve done that often but not always works.
 
I take care of my nephew. He’s 5, but has a very quiet personality. When he was a newborn, he used to cry at Mass but through the years, as I educated him, he slowly wanted to imitate myself and the people around him and he learned that being quiet was a form of prayer. Now at Mass he is usually quiet, but he sometimes has outbursts which people usually don’t mind. Mind you, we usually go to the EF or Ordinariate Masses so perhaps it’s the small community that protects him, but we also live in a rural area and when we attend the NO no one complains. I’ve asked the priests.

It’s normal. It’s been the normal for churches all over the world. You don’t know what a child is going through at home. Before I got custody, he was abused. Everyone knows that. That’s why I have him at my young age. Children react to their surroundings, and while he wants to kneel and pray sometimes, other times the memories of being hit and beaten consume his mind. I don’t mind children crying at Mass. Children are children. You can’t change the behaviour of children when they get in the moment.
 
phil19034 said:
NOTE: however, I must admit, I don’t understand why some parents which active little ones refuse to use the cry room. Perhaps, it’s just because of the name: “cry room.” Maybe we should rebrand them “child rooms.”

I know at my parish, we call the cry room the “Holy Child Room.” Lots of parents use it at my parish, and they even have a few toys in there too. 🤷‍♂️
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Cry rooms can get a little wild and it makes it especially difficult if you’re trying to teach your children how to behave in Mass. It isolates them from the Mass itself. Even with glass windows and speakers, they can’t hear as well or see as well. It is full of other children, whose parents are putting varying levels of effort into getting them to pay attention and actually learn something. If you don’t want your kids to play with toys throughout Mass, having other kids do so can present extreme challenges for kids and parents.

I have no objection at all to using a cry room as a temporary retreat for a struggling child, but in many places they aren’t used in that way. I don’t think that we should be habitually separating families with young children from the rest of the congregation.
 
I would hope that you hate a lot of things more than you hate a struggling child kicking and screaming and making your prayer time a challenge. Imagine the lives of those poor parents who constantly have their attempts at prayer interrupted by the needs of their children.

At my parish, which is situated on a very busy corner, our attempts to pray are often interrupted by the sounds of sirens going by. When that happens, I try to say a brief prayer for the safety of the firemen and police officers driving those vehicles. Perhaps when you are distracted in prayer by a young child who’s having a difficult day, you can spare a prayer for that child and his or her parents.

As far as your solution goes, would you expect a young mother to miss Mass for years on end for lack of somebody to watch the young children? And while it seems to have been a cultural expectation in many places in the 40s and 50s, it was far from a universal practice to leave infants and young children at home for Mass. Frankly, it seems like a luxury that was not available to many.
 
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