love affair

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matilda99

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A complicated problem
I have an affair with a guy who is an orthodox christian. I’m from a traditional family.They wont be able to accept this matter of love affair and me marrying a non-catholic.it is true that i should have thought about it earlier but i didn’t want to lose him and marry someone else by keeping him in mind.The fact is that i love this person a lot and cannot sacrifice him for my family.Neither can i leave my caring parents and do anything against their wishes. They might be happy if i marry a catholic from a richer family. But i cannot cheat him and myself.I cant even imagine of marrying somebody else. Have i done a sin by loving a non catholic and by doing something which was against my parents wishes? Will god forgive me for this?..If my parents agree for this relation is there any way we can marry without conversion.May be i’m asking too much Still can i have my engagement in catholic church and marriage in orthodox church?
 
OK, first of all, my wife is a Church of God preacher’s daughter, and I am Catholic. Interdenominational marriage is fine, and the Orthodox Churches are so closely related to Rome that they are the ONLY non-Roman Catholic denominations that can receive the Eucharist. That being said, I would talk to your parish priest and his priest and see if a co-celebrated wedding could be done to the satisfaction of both Churches. Maybe they can find a way to satisfy both Church requirements, or maybe there will not be a need, since the two are so close sacramentally.
 
Of course you can marry a non-Catholic, talk to your priest about it, Catholics marry non Catholics within the Church all the time.

In the end you will have to live with your husband, marry a man you love and can be happy with. Your parents will just have you accept him, and if they don’t they don’t. Good Catholic parents aren’t supposed to pressure their children about whom to marry, there is even a passage in the Catechism stressing that parents should not pressure.
 
Thank you for the reply
I have a Big brother who is also in love.He has already opened that matter to my parents and they have fixed it half hearted.My parents don’t like her because she is a non catholic and her profession which doesn’t match their status.So they are very much frustrated and everyday they are putting pressure upon me and planning behind my back to marry me off by sending replies to marriage advertisements.I have not opened up the matter why i’m reluctant to marry.They are always associating my name with a rich family name from the time i wake up and keeps chanting all those reputed family names the whole day which is not only making me depressed but also more guilty.Then i feel like suiciding.if i’m not there there is no problem of bad reputation which will be a solution to all the problems.If i had been a little more courageous i would have done that by this time.
Please advise me.i really need support.This feeling of guilt,anxiety and depression is eating my brains. I need your prayers…
Is loving a guy a sin?
 
Are you from the US? It sounds as if you may be from another culture.
 
matilda99 said:
A complicated problem
I have an affair with a guy who is an orthodox christian. I’m from a traditional family.They wont be able to accept this matter of love affair and me marrying a non-catholic.it is true that i should have thought about it earlier but i didn’t want to lose him and marry someone else by keeping him in mind.The fact is that i love this person a lot and cannot sacrifice him for my family.Neither can i leave my caring parents and do anything against their wishes. They might be happy if i marry a catholic from a richer family. But i cannot cheat him and myself.I cant even imagine of marrying somebody else. Have i done a sin by loving a non catholic and by doing something which was against my parents wishes? Will god forgive me for this?..If my parents agree for this relation is there any way we can marry without conversion.May be i’m asking too much Still can i have my engagement in catholic church and marriage in orthodox church?
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I’ll be honest the first senario that was running through my mind when you used that word affair was “so you’re married and fooling around with this guy”. Reading forward that doesn’t sound like the situation. Working on this assumption:

Personally I don’t see any problem with a Catholic becoming involved with a non-Catholic. That’s easy for me to type, not being in your situation but I would hope that ultimatly what your parents will want most is that you are happy and get to live a sacramental life with someone you love.

Now the fact that this person is Eastern Orthodox actually helps here. The believe in the same sacraments as us, and as I understand it they believe in them exactly as we believe them. They are also the second (yes we dispute each other, but I submit history is on the Catholic side) most ancient Christian faith. Believe it or not E. Orthodox and Catholic belief systems are very compatible. I’m not saying their aren’t differences, and won’t be challenges. But I am saying it’s not a leap going from one mass to the other. Not like say, going from a S. Baptist service to a Catholic mass.

I certainly hope for the best for you in this situation. Personally I think the most important part if that you keep “JOY” in the right order in your relationship.

Jesus - Others - You 🙂
 
matilda99 said:
Thank you for the reply
I have a Big brother who is also in love.He has already opened that matter to my parents and they have fixed it half hearted.My parents don’t like her because she is a non catholic and her profession which doesn’t match their status.So they are very much frustrated and everyday they are putting pressure upon me and planning behind my back to marry me off by sending replies to marriage advertisements.I have not opened up the matter why i’m reluctant to marry.They are always associating my name with a rich family name from the time i wake up and keeps chanting all those reputed family names the whole day which is not only making me depressed but also more guilty.Then i feel like suiciding.if i’m not there there is no problem of bad reputation which will be a solution to all the problems.If i had been a little more courageous i would have done that by this time.
Please advise me.i really need support.This feeling of guilt,anxiety and depression is eating my brains. I need your prayers…
Is loving a guy a sin?
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Love is never a sin. Some forms of desire, badly handled, may be, love itself not. Your parents have no right to put up your marriage ads without asking you and especially not against your will. You need to tell them to stop. They have every right (and duty) to offer you advise, but they have no right to make the choice for you.

Here, some canon law:
Can. 1057 §1. The consent of the parties, legitimately manifested between persons quali-fied by law, makes marriage; no human power is able to supply this consent.
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Can. 1103 A marriage is invalid if entered into because of force or grave fear from without, even if unintentionally inflicted, so that a person is compelled to choose marriage in order to be free from it.
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(“Without” here means “outside”, i.e. the opposite of “within”.) Yes, parents can cause invalid marriage by pushing children into one with threats or otherwise overwhelming psychological pressure.

I don’t know where you got the idea that it was a sin to love a guy or that it was a sin to marry someone your parents didn’t want. Whoever told you that was wrong.

On the other hand, don’t ever marry a specific guy just to show your parents - or, more probably - just to show yourself that you’re independent enough. You can tell your parents that you welcome their advice and you specifically ask them for it, but that you have it written in the Catechism and Canon Law that you can marry a non-Catholic if your bishop allows it to happen (this is called “dispensation” and yes, it is required when you’re marrying a non-Catholic, as well as in some other cases) and the bishop is going to be the ultimate judge of that. Also, you can tell them that you welcome any comments about a guy you bring home or tell them about, but you don’t want them to put up your ads - if they want you to meet a specific guy, they should ask you first. If this doesn’t work, set them up with your priest. He will have more authority than you in telling them what the Catholic teachings and laws are.
 
Hi Matilda,
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I just want to suggest to you that you put this matter down for some time (say, 3 to 5 months)  and go find God.   Go talk to God, Go spend time with God in the Blessed Sacrament...  PUT GOD ABOVE EVERYTHING.. above your wishes to be with this man, above this man's wishes, and even above your family's wishes.  

 I say this because it sounds to me that you aren't sure about your own faith (and that is ok, we all need time to grow in the Lord)  to even consider what you are thinking of doing and that is most likely why you are having guilt, anxiety over the matter- don't ignore these feeling, those things you may be considering "road blocks' to your happiness are there for your benefit- so look into it without being afraid- its a warning you may be doing something you will regret.
SO, I implore you, seek and find what God thinks of this matter. You can do that by reading His Word in the Bible, the writings of the saints, and espeicially documents of the Catholic Church on this matter. You OWE that to God if you love God, … and you also owe this to your family and his, to him and to yourself if you truly love yourself and them. GOD IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN LEAD YOU IN THIS MATTER because none of us here know enough of you or this man or what is going on fully, though we can advise and suggest. KNOW that if you do this without Christ Jesus- without sincerely seeking Him first in this matter, you will be headed for sorrow and disaster later, a rough road. I can PROMISE you that. I say that as a stern warning! But it should also give you hope that if this is truly from God, then all matters will work out- even if this man isn’t “the one”. God WILL give you peace in the matter. (Though it may hurt a bit- though usually not as bad as you might think!! God is merciful!)

Be careful of trying to excuse yourself out of this responsibility to God so that you can gratify yourself, your desires (and also his desires or even your family’s). Those are temptations. I think that is why you wrote here… you need some help clearing some of those temptations away so that you can think. When people are frazzled and scared its usually because they are succumbed with strong emotions that they can’t see clearly enough though to make a wise decision- they reach out in desperation and need some help to anchor them.

I have been in this position before and I want to say to you it is better to put God first even though it does not feel like it right now. Think about it, if you choose this guy and he wasn’t “the one” God prepared for you, just think out of what you would be missing for the future also think of the consequences. I am VERY VERY glad I stopped all for God and things have been SO much better than at the time I was ‘in love’! At that time, I didn’t think anything better was remotely possible… but oh how I was wrong! Thanks be to God!!!
Code: 
One more thing:  God works out all things for those who love Him. <that is from Scripture.   Make sure you love God above all else!  Feelings of love do not mean that something comes from God and truly being in love is not a sin, but there can be sin in our actions when they disregard others (think about ***his*** family too, think about the prospective children's faith lives).   Make sure you know what you are doing and be blatently honest with yourself- which is hard to do when your are experiencing the feelings of being in love. (They have a tendancy to blind!) That is why you need some distance from this matter to counteract getting too close and getting sucked into a matter too quickly before its too late.   I also suggest talking with a priest on the matter.  They will be able to make more helpful suggestion of a retreat plan and give you some guidance on how you should go from here.     

You may PM me if you wish to talk about it further, but I firmly suggest speaking with your priest instead!   I wish you peace in Christ in the matter.
 
matilda99 said:
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Please advise me.i really need support.This feeling of guilt,anxiety and depression is eating my brains. I need your prayers…
Is loving a guy a sin?
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:hug:

Of course it’s not a sin. If anything, it’s your parents motivations to marry you into a rich family are sinful.

Catechism of the Catholic Church said:
2230 … Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse. This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
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Their advice is hardly “judicious”, putting status and wealth near the top of the list when it comes to choosing a spouse is very un-Catholic.

I’m really sorry that your parents’ behavior is hurting you so much. They are in the wrong here. You need to realize it and believe it.

You don’t need your parents’ permission to get married.
 
thank you for the reply
I made a mistake in the topic name and has not completely revealed the relation i have with this guy.He is not just a lover but a brother,friend and a father to me.he cares and loves me like a child. My parents are very caring and affectionate.they are very protective too.They drop me and pick me up from all the places i have to go.they never allow me to go alone.They hate boyfriends.Actually that has made me completely dependent on them and i’m scared to go alone in a crowd. My 14 years of convent schooling have inculcated in my mind that loving a guy is a crime.So i had kept this in my mind when i went for graduation.That was when i got freedom from home.I was scared of boys and used to shiver when i saw them.No exaggeration,i used to run with my heart when i saw boys.i used to pray rosaries in order to be freed from temptations .i never allowed them to mingle with me in fear of falling in love.My first 2 years of graduation were horrible as i was instructed by mother that i was not allowed to talk to boys for more than 10 mns as she knew that i was too naive i will be a an easy prey.I always used to wonder what was the mistake in talking to them.My prejudiced idea was that everyone were flirts.I started to become lonely as my friend had friends who were boys and i never accompanied them when they used to talk to them.I started brooding.I was alone in my family too as my siblings had gone for higher studies.i never gave my mobile number to anyone.After 3 years of graduation this person who has almost similar face and same caring attitude of my brother entered my life.he was the only person to whom i gave freedom because he was very caring like a brother and i never felt he was flirting with me and i felt very protected.I never knew i was in love.our relation extended to phone calls.After 5 months i became completely addicted and i could not imagine without him in my life.he proposed i agreed without thinking about my family.My friends came to know about that only after 2 months.they asked me to stop the relation as they knew i would never be able to fight against my parents and do anything against their wishes.i did the same for 1 month.The whole month i was crying and crying.It became worser and worser.my friend bought a new sim card for me.i begged her and prayed to her to allow me to continue the relation.As she was also very much moved seeing me in tears the whole month allowed me to continue the relation.It is 1 year since i have started this relation.I’m strong enough to tell my parents about this when time allows me to…I’ll rather stay alone than marry someone else.I’ll wait until my parents say yes.There is no question of leaving him and praying to god to give me someone else.I know god knows everything.i’m a god fearing child.I don’t believe in a particular group.I believe in jesus ,mary, joseph,holy spirit and the holy bible.everyone praises him in different ways.I love him in my own way.he also does the same .he is a good guy who strengthens my faith at times when i lose hope. I’m not worried about my future child’s religion as anyway he/she will be brought up as a christian.
I cant forget him for 5 months and search for god as he makes me complete.I don’t love him by forgetting god.I cant do a thing without god.I pray to god for making this relation an acceptable one to my family and be always with us to bless us and our actions.I cant marry someone else as i love this person with my heart body and soul.if i can forget this person and love someone else i’ll be the greatest hypocrite that world would have ever seen.That will be equal to adultery also.As in the bible it is written that to try to stay alone if possible.But if your emotions cannot be controlled we can marry and lead a christian life,I should not leave him unless he performs adultery.So i’m even against marrying after becoming a widow as god has given enough strength to everyone to live alone… I posted here to know whether loving a guy is a sin and doing against my caring parent’s dreams is a crime…
There is 1 more problem my physical desires are crossing the limits.I cannot completely concentrate in my studies as my mind keeps wandering in evil thoughts.And the devil says anyway you are not going to marry someone else then why not satisfy the desires.I’m happy that we are far away.otherwise it would have been a big problem.he wont be able to come and meet me also as my parents wont allow to go alone.But i have got a job .i’ll have to join there after 3 months.That is a big worry as he has told me that he will visit me.We have already crossed the limits through phone and in a place where we were studying together for 1 month(for a certificate course). Anyway we will never have sex before marriage but any sexual act makes me guilty after the act has been done.So that is wrong,no.is that normal to have such a feeling?As i had been feeling very guilty i always avoid situations when i have to meet him alone.He never forces me to do that.We both have the same feeling at the same time.I’m very poor at controlling my feelings.
 
If anything, your parents are sinning by insisting on status and wealth and not letting you grow up.

I read earlier in that you are not from the U.S. so forgive me if this is a cultural difference. I don’t want to come off as criticizing your culture and I’m sorry if I do. But you are not going against God if you are using free will. And loving a boy is not sinful. Sexual desire, unless you act on it wrongly, is not sinful. Friendships with men are not sinful. You are not sinning by wanting to be with him. It’s normal. It’s normal for grown women to have desires. When you get married, you should want to have sex with your husband:) If anything, don’t worry yourself so much. If you sin, go to Confession. Fleeting thoughts aren’t sinful, only if you choose to continue them.

If he is the man for you, choose him. If you are an adult and free to marry, marry him. You make this decision. According to the Church, it is yours and his, ONLY yours and his, to make.
 
Matilda, talk to your parish priest, for two reasons. One is that your parish priest may agree to talk to your parents about your situation, from a Catholic perspective. The other reason is that you and the man you plan to marry will have to enroll in marriage preparation. Dating and marrying a non-Catholic does present some obstacle, but your priest can ask for a dispensation from your Bishop, and your Bishop may ultimately want to grant that dispensation to you, so that you can marry a non-Catholic Christian. You have to understand this: you will be required to promise to the Catholic Church, that you will baptize your children in the Catholic Church, and that you will make all the necessary effort to raise your children as Catholics. Your fiancee will not be required to make a similar promise to the Catholic Church, but you should discuss the matter with him and let him know that you have a duty to, and you intend to baptize and raise your future children as Catholics. Marriage preparation in the Catholic Church is a good time to discuss this issue.
 
Hi Matilda,
Code: 
  I just want to second Joseph L. Varga's comment about making an appointment to see a priest.   They will be able to help you with this so much better than any of us at Catholic Answers can!   

Just asking, why have you not gone to talk to a priest about this situation?   If you said you don't believe in any one denomination of Christianity maybe you don't think your parish priest has the *ablility* and special grace from God to help?  Or are you just too afraid that he will say "no" like your parents might say?   I think the problem here is that you must face the facts, but I think you feel so pinned that you can't have this work out that you are afraid to talk with a priest, or your parents about this situation.  In other words it sounds as it you are searching for someone to tell you the answer you want to hear so that you can go ahead with it.   

As far as raising your children "Christian", I must tell you that doctrine matters.  Without a doctrine of faith you are subject to all sorts of feelings and ideas about God and of floating away on this issue and that- being swayed by all worldly idea that comes along (the heresy of modernism)  Its VERY dangerous. (ever hear of cults?)  It is also very dangerous to only have ears for answers we want to hear which is along the same line as that means we don't really know God to serve God in the way God wants us to.  (Check out the epistle of St. Jude)  That is why the Holy Catholic Church is a safeguard for God's children.   (Jesus says he wants to gather us up like a mother hen gathers her chicks!- that is in the Gospel!  IT is PROTECTION from God to listen to God and all he commanded through His Church and that is why DOCTRINE is so important.)  You may not be old enough to know what you are doing or to understand this and deeper matters of the faith or even other faiths (al this is ok,.. we have to grow and strive to grow to understand and there is no sin in not understanding, but only in NOT trying to understand and not seeking to understand doctrine.)  That is why you really need to speak with a priest about this.  He will help steer you in the right direction, give you the information you need to hear to make the correct decisions.  Pardon me but you sounds as if you are sort of in the mode of wishful thinking ..... just another example of temporary blindness when we are head over heels in love.  I'm not saying that to knock you down but to point out you need some outside help.
As far as you said that this man makes you complete… Watch out there… you have made that man your god. ** ONLY JESUS CHRIST MAKES US COMPLETE!!! ** —> A Marriage (to be stable, long lasting, happy and blessed) takes THREE- Man, Woman and God as the glue between (and sharing the same doctrine of faith is the strongest type). About being separated…think about couples who because the husband has to go serve in war… they are away for MONTHS at a time… Wives can go through it, they endure it out of love for him and others. When you say you can’t go 5 months without him, you sound as if you only want what you want and that is not humble. I think you are being a bit rediculous and immature when you say you can’t go without him for a few months. Pride goes before a fall. WATCH OUT MATILDA!!
Code: 
Also, I didn't say to go pray to God for 5 months so that you can forget him and get someone else.   If it seems so, I never meant to suggest that I was telling you to forget him or that this was impossible.    I was trying to say get some distance on your emotions so that you don't run away with emotions.   The more time you spend with this man the more your emotions and hormones are going to be raging, urging you to do something you obviously are having some troubles with (why else have you written here?).   Spending time with God should help you sort out what is just pure hormones and pure romanticism and emotions and what in this situation is the substance of true love that can be enduring.   I want you do get some clarity by going to God for a bit of time about the matter.   Ask yourself, what is wrong with that?
No one here is telling you to forget this man (or that it can’t work out) but just to GO SEE A CATHOLIC PRIEST!!! I’m trying to point out to you holes in your lack of vision so that you don’t fall and get hurt. Please don’t be angry with me for that. Your next step is to make an appointment with a priest and discuss this matter in full with him. You can’t worry about the what ifs of the future, but be mature about this situation and speak with a priest.
 
I am thankful to you for spending quality time to advise me .Actually you are right.I was once blind in love and emotions had clouded my intellect and rational thinking.I was completely under the command of my emotions…
See, i’m a very timid girl and do not have the guts to face the realities of life.I’m not a happy-go lucky girl.i have imagined many months of marrying someone else.But the result was that i was losing my life out of my hands.You might know a person cannot live without hope.
If i had an occasion to meet a priest and ask him i would have done that much earlier

I think you dont understand the situation.i cannot get out of my house and meet a person i want.If i have to meet someone my parents will accompany me.That’s why i posted here.
I know that I’VE MADE A MISTAKE IN FALLING IN LOVE. I should have obeyed my parents.I’ve broken the 4 th commandment.I’m not telling this so that anyone can correct me and tell me what i want to hear. It is my mistake only.I should not have fallen in love.that is the worst feeling.i hate love because it is killing me at the same time it is my only hope.Now i’m impure in my heart body and soul.I simply cannot marry someone else and cheat that person due to my mistake.He will geta better person.Why should i cheat someone else for my mistake or offer an impure heart.That is quite impossible for me.That’s why i told i cannot and i cannot forget him and marry someone else if the priest demands so.I don’t have any chance to go and meet the priest.please do not tell me that i’m proud and arrogant.I have always obeyed my parents and have sacrificed many things.See you are making me weaker. Have mercy upon me.you dont understand me.i want to live.I have 3 friends to whom i give optimism for their endeavours .When i’m depressed i cant give energy or joy to my family or friends.Even if i’m cheating my parents i do give the maximum possible joy in other ways possible.I have to make this home alive.So i need this hope which is a sinful love.This is a sort of fool’s world.But he is my only hope.I have some symptoms of depression when i live realistically .See i can live without this person for years .I don’t love this person to satisfy my physical desires…His memories are more than enough…What i told was i cannot simply stop the relation and ask him to stay away so that i can ask god whether this is right.I had already done that so that i can live according to my parent’s wishes.But it only made the matter worser…
I didnt understand that what you meant was to control my emotions and not to stop the relation. You are right.I’ll do that…
But i totally disagree in this denomination controversy.What if my priest says no to this relation and i can marry only a person from my denomination?Should i cheat my future husband. The idea i told you that i dont beleive in a particular denomination has not come into me after i have fallen in love.That has nothing to do with my love.I believe in 1religion,1 god,1 man. That is my personal faith.I dont see any religious barriers.I cant live according to what the priest says.Do you think that there are other gods who created other humanbeings.This is not heresy.I think with the brains god gave me.i do belive in god.Do you think that judgement will be different for different denominations…I’m not a person who knows all the doctrines.I just have a layman knowledge.Then how will god judge a layman who is his creation but is believing in a different god due to his ignorance.what if that person is an embodiment of peace and love for everyone.Doesn’t god protect him?I love god like a child,simply like the child…Will the sharing of the same doctrine save me from a divorce?Aren’t there any such cases? Without god no couple is complete.We are not atheists.We believe in the same jesus christ,mother mary and the holy Bible.
 
Jesus started one Church, the Catholic Church. Other Christian groups have split away and formed their own congregations.

You say this man is an Orthodox Christian. To those of us here on this board, that means he is of a national Orthodox Church (Greek Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, etc.) If he is, the differences in your beliefs are very slight. Chances are that you will not have disputes over religion in such a mixed marriage.

As a Catholic, you have a priest. The Priest who celebrates Mass next Sunday, after Mass say “Father, I need to come and talk to you about a private matter.” He will make an appointment for you.

Falling in love is not something out of your control, You made a choice to love this person. Stop letting your emotions control your life. Be reasonable, talk to your priest and go from there.
 
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