Love and Loss

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Rex0970

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Many years ago, in the mid 90’s, I started a new job where I met a woman that I would eventually start dating. We had an intense connection from the start, but at that time I was a committed atheist (been reading a lot of Ayn Rand) and she was a very committed cradle Catholic. Other than that, it would not have been inaccurate to call us ‘soulmates’, and we both knew it at the time.

She wanted to get married in the worst way, but pride got the better of me (i refused to be married in the Church) and the marriage did not happen. I let it go for many years, but now as I approach 40 and still single, and she now with a husband and children, I cannot describe the feeling of anguish I have in letting her go all those years ago. I have since abandoned atheism and converted to Catholicism, but even the comfort of faith does not make up for the loss of this woman.

Recently, I came down with a very serious disease that could have been fatal, and I almost refused treatment for it because I simply could not bear to live much longer without her. I took the treatment because I thought this was tantamount to suicide, which is a mortal sin. Still, it is difficult to go on. Other women simply can’t compare.’

It is difficult for her too. She named one of her children after me, and, even though I hadn’t spoken to her in over a year, when I came down with this illness she called me out of the blue to see if something was wrong with me. I can believe that God can ordain one person for another, but is there any release from this?

Dating in your 40s is hard, and I wonder if I will ever find anyone else to measure up to her. My life is work, paying the bills, dating, etc. Again, sometimes I wonder if I simply stop wanting to go on.

Is their any way to pray out of this? Petition God for release from this?

=Rex
 
The choices that we make have genuine consequences, and there is nothing you can do at this point, aside from practicing pious resignation.

Also, you should NOT contact this woman in any way, shape, or form. If you cannot be a friend to her marriage, then you cannot be a friend to her.
 
I strongly suggest that you speak to your confessor about these things and perhaps even get spiritual director who can help you work through these matters.

You ask if there is a way out of this and the answer is - Yes there is. Partly it involves resignation - partly a letting go - and partly a moving on. All of this is interconnected and is part and parcel to your spiritual journey.

We all have history…Things we regret…things we wish we could change…but we must come to grips with these things and move forward. It appears that you have some pretty serious blocks to your spiritual growth that stem, at least in part, from this “lost love”.
Your comment about others “measuring up” to her is a red flag in and of itself.

So - like I say - talk to your confessor, get some spiritual guidance, perhaps hook up with a spiritual councilor/director who can really take teh time to help you work through these things.

Peace
James
 
Rex, you need to stop the fantasies about this woman. She moved on, married and had children. You are still living in the past. Let her alone. You have a chance of breaking up her marriage and causing so much pain. Block her number on your phone, change your email address, and pray for her husband and her marriage. You keep reminiscing and projecting new fantasies about how good things were between the two of you, but the bottom line is that you do not KNOW how things might have been. It’s over, and it’s been over for a while now. I would suggest that you talk to a counselor about this since you can’t seem to let it go.
 
Sillara said:
Also, you should NOT contact this woman in any way, shape, or form. If you cannot be a friend to her marriage, then you cannot be a friend to her.
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This, right here. If your presence would in any way harm or threaten her marriage than the only thing that you can ethically do is stay completely away.

Not only that but cutting all ties permenently will give you a much better shot at getting over her. And please strongly consider counseling as well.
 
I understand what you all are saying, but there is a difference when a) she calls me all the time; b) she seems to know intuitively when I am in trouble/having problems and reaches out to me; c) the fact that she named one of her children after me.

That last one actually shocked me quite a bit when she told me. By the way, I was in no way interested in breaking up the marriage at the time, considering I was one of the best men at the wedding. At the time I accepted it. But as time has worn on regret has grown as to the life I could have lived.

Being single in your 40s means a half-life of memories and thinking about things that could have been. What seemed like burdens in your 20’s (diapers, day care, etc) now looks like ‘the stuff of life’ that I simply let slip by. The pain of not being a father is something I never anticipated. And it is crushing.

For those worried about me breaking up her marriage, she lives over 1,000 miles away from me, and I doubt she will leave her two children and husband to be with me. This thread was about getting over this situation, not getting the woman back. BTW, she calls me more than I call her—she married the first guy she dated after me, Mr. Boring Couch Potato, so she craves the conversations we used to have when we were dating that she’s not getting from him.

Like many women, she wants to have things both ways.
 
As you say…
This thread was about getting over this situation, not getting the woman back…

So the advice remains the same…your best bet is going to be to get together with someone who can help you work through these things. A good confessor is the best place to start…

Peace
James
 
Rex0970 said:
I understand what you all are saying, but there is a difference when a) she calls me all the time; b) she seems to know intuitively when I am in trouble/having problems and reaches out to me; c) the fact that she named one of her children after me.

That last one actually shocked me quite a bit when she told me. By the way, I was in no way interested in breaking up the marriage at the time, considering I was one of the best men at the wedding. At the time I accepted it. But as time has worn on regret has grown as to the life I could have lived.

Being single in your 40s means a half-life of memories and thinking about things that could have been. What seemed like burdens in your 20’s (diapers, day care, etc) now looks like ‘the stuff of life’ that I simply let slip by. The pain of not being a father is something I never anticipated. And it is crushing.

For those worried about me breaking up her marriage, she lives over 1,000 miles away from me, and I doubt she will leave her two children and husband to be with me. This thread was about getting over this situation, not getting the woman back. BTW, she calls me more than I call her—she married the first guy she dated after me, Mr. Boring Couch Potato, so she craves the conversations we used to have when we were dating that she’s not getting from him.
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Like many women, she wants to have things both ways**.
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As do you. My advice remains. You must stop all contact with her. So she named a child after you. It’s o-v-e-r, forever. She is married, she has children. Stop the fantasies by blocking her calls. You are entertaining some sort of romantic fantasy and this will get you nowhere in your real life.

What if she suddenly showed up on your doorstep and stated that she was having marriage problems?

This is not a good situation. Please stop fantasizing and move on with your life. Let her move on with hers. If she harbors memories, that’s her problem, don’t make it yours.
 
You should cut off all contact. It will hurt at first but you will feel better.
 
No offense to this girl but I dont see whats so great about her. It seems to me like she isnt very trustworthy if she goes behind her husbands back to try to contact past boyfriends so often. If she has issues with her husband being emotionally distant she needs to work that out with him, not find another guy.

Since you were a best man at the wedding, I imagine you are well liked by both of them so they both may name the baby in honor of you. Women dont usually name children alone in marriage so I think the husband agreed with the name.

In any way, this women seems pretty immature to be seeking out the attention of ex-boyfriends. I would stay away from her. Nothing good can come from talking with this woman.
 
Dear Rex,

Happy New Year and may your prayers be answered by God, The Holy Spirit, Jesus and Our Lady Mary Mother of Jesus through Our Lady’s Holy Rosary and/or The Jesus Rosary (if you choose, these may be found on the Catholic Answers site or the Medjugorje.com site).

It appears yourself and I have learned some hard soul lessons over past years Rex.

This has happened to myself however the other way around. If God had planned for both of you to be together permanently before 2013 , believe me, or rather believe in God, The Holy Spirit and Jesus, that this would have occurred.

Many people are single going through the same situation as yourself and still struggling to come together with their deepest loving soulmate!

Obviously the greatest gift from God is for Children to come through to a person and He chose this woman and the other man to be together ‘at this time’ (God’s time) to raise His children in the environment also He chose.

It may be in God’s time that you are both together down the track ie in 2, 3 or 5 years time when their children have grown up, or not at all ie a soul lesson for you to experience the love that was sitting in your heart for you Rex to acknowledge and develop.

This has happened to myself over 7 years (the last two years were healing years) where I felt love and loved apart from the love and loving my children.

In the meantime, I suggest you date Christian women after asking God and Jesus (through the Jesus Rosary) to send along the ‘right woman’ for yourself and vice versa. Life is short and advice you not to sit and dwell on ‘what could or should have been’.

If God decides for the two of you to be together, He will bring you both together, regardless of situations.
 
Rex0970 said:
I can believe that God can ordain one person for another, but is there any release from this?

Dating in your 40s is hard, and I wonder if I will ever find anyone else to measure up to her. My life is work, paying the bills, dating, etc. Again, sometimes I wonder if I simply stop wanting to go on.

Is their any way to pray out of this? Petition God for release from this?

=Rex
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Hi Rex,

I’m not in your exact situation, but I do feel your pain. I’m in love with someone I can’t marry and who I can be pretty darn certain it’s not God’s will for me to marry.

Prayer helps. The Rosary especially or Liturgy of the Hours can help. (The Liturgy of the Hours especially helps me when I’m feeling really depressed about the whole thing. It’s just tough to get myself to pray in that state…)

Also, someone on another Catholic site I belong to suggested reading The Exclamation: The Wise Choice of a Spouse for a Catholic Marriage. I am finding it helpful, and it does talk a lot about how to find God’s will for you, and how to discern which person you should marry. God can certainly help you get past this. If it’s God’s will for you to marry, He will bring that person into your life. When you’re still in love with someone else it’s really hard to believe that, but don’t lose faith. God permits bad things to happen only because He plans to bring a greater good out of it. He hasn’t abandoned you, and He does have a plan for your life.

I agree with other people that the two of you shouldn’t be in contact for the most part. It will be hard, but she chose to marry this other guy, and I don’t think it can possibly be good for her marriage for her to keep hanging on to you. Maybe she shouldn’t have married the guy. Maybe they really aren’t the greatest match. But now that she is married, she has the responsibility to put him and his feelings first. (I feel like even the most tolerant husband in the world would be understandably upset if he found out his wife was still calling her ex-boyfriend frequently.)

Also, I think keeping in contact may be making things harder for you. I found that when I was still in contact with my ex, it made it harder for me to even think about getting over him. It kept the former relationship too current for me.

And as a general rule I don’t think it’s okay to be in contact with exes when you’re married, especially not if both of you are still crazy about each other. (She does sound like she still has strong feelings for you. 😦 )

Anyway, I’m sorry you’re going through this, but don’t give up. You’re not alone.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
 
I half-remembered a quote when I read this post, but couldn’t quite pull it up until today:

“I believe every man remembers the girl he thinks he should have married. She reappears to him in his lonely moments, or he sees her in the face of a young girl in the park, buying a snowball under an oak tree by the baseball diamond. But she belongs to back there, to somebody else, and that thought sometimes rends your heart in a way that you never share with anyone else.” - James Lee Burke
 
Rex0970 said:
This thread was about getting over this situation, not getting the woman back. BTW, she calls me more than I call her—she married the first guy she dated after me, Mr. Boring Couch Potato, so she craves the conversations we used to have when we were dating that she’s not getting from him.

Like many women, she wants to have things both ways.
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It appears that you too want to have things both ways, by recreating salvaged aspects of your old relationship in the present.

Doesn’t work like that. Even if you don’t expect to marry her, you are taking on her issues and suffering in the past.

I urge you to heed prior advice about keeping your distance. For the time being, this means severing all contact. I would suggest being candid with her before checking out. Perhaps in the future you can exchange holiday cards or the occasional telephone chat, but for now you really need to focus on yourself.
 
JoeofCupertino said:
No offense to this girl but I dont see whats so great about her. It seems to me like she isnt very trustworthy if she goes behind her husbands back to try to contact past boyfriends so often. If she has issues with her husband being emotionally distant she needs to work that out with him, not find another guy.

Since you were a best man at the wedding, I imagine you are well liked by both of them so they both may name the baby in honor of you. Women dont usually name children alone in marriage so I think the husband agreed with the name.

In any way, this women seems pretty immature to be seeking out the attention of ex-boyfriends. I would stay away from her. Nothing good can come from talking with this woman.
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Fair enough, but we don’t know her side of it.

I wonder if she’s well-intentioned but dead oblivious, and if he’s reading his feelings in her actions.
 
I appreciate all of the comments, both positive for me and negative.

I guess I can’t stress enough the ‘soulmate’ thing. We could talk for hours about everything, and when she calls, we still do. Sex was there, but her faith eventually had to put a stop to it, but our connection was there too.

Some people view relationships as practical–you get married, have children, be involved in the community and so on. But for whatever reason some people can’t help but elevate relationships to these levels.
 
Rex0970 said:
I appreciate all of the comments, both positive for me and negative.

I guess I can’t stress enough the ‘soulmate’ thing. We could talk for hours about everything, and when she calls, we still do. Sex was there, but her faith eventually had to put a stop to it, but our connection was there too.

Some people view relationships as practical–you get married, have children, be involved in the community and so on. But for whatever reason some people can’t help but elevate relationships to these levels.
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SHE IS A MARRIED WOMAN! STOP DOING THIS!

:banghead::banghead::banghead::dts:
 
I understand what you are saying, because you have said it many times before.

However, the tone of your response tells me more about you than the situation I am trying to deal with. Again, I am trying to deal with something that I did not ask for, and someone who calls me more than I call her.

I don’t think any more responses from you are going to be in any way productive, and I would like you not to reply to any further posts of mine.
 
Rex0970 said:
I understand what you are saying, because you have said it many times before.

However, the tone of your response tells me more about you than the situation I am trying to deal with. Again, I am trying to deal with something that I did not ask for, and someone who calls me more than I call her.

I don’t think any more responses from you are going to be in any way productive, and I would like you not to reply to any further posts of mine.
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I will reply. You are an occasion of sin for this woman. You need to be a stronger man and tell her that it is not appropriate and that both of you are becoming a temptation for each other.
 
Rex0970 said:
I understand what you are saying, because you have said it many times before.

However, the tone of your response tells me more about you than the situation I am trying to deal with. Again, I am trying to deal with something that I did not ask for, and someone who calls me more than I call her.

I don’t think any more responses from you are going to be in any way productive, and I would like you not to reply to any further posts of mine.
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Hard to face the truth, isn’t it. I wanted to put that response in flashing lights, but the response box here didn’t offer me that option. There was one larger font than I used, so I actually went easy on you. 🙂

But it doesn’t look like you want to stop looking in the rear view mirror, and move into the rest of your life. You’d rather continue to moan about “soul mates,” and justify your disruption of a married woman’s relationship with her husband. Do you think her husband approves of her calling you, and talking for hours? Would you call him and ask to speak to her?

I am blunt when people don’t make the effort to really look at their own actions. What you are doing is potentially breaking up a family. By romanticizing your actions, you think that you are not sinning. Good luck with that.
 
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