Love and Marriage Experience

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rikkk1958

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I’m sure this thread is a repeat but I want to share my experience as a man, husband, father, and now a confused being. At 50 and religious as most of the Catholics could be, I have tried to keep my faith in obeying the commandments of God. Deep in my heart I want a straight path but somewhere in there is forcing me to follow what my heart desires, and it is the desire of the flesh.

As of this writing, my marriage is on the rocks because my wife suspected me of having the intention to have an affair with a female friend. I have no whatsoever have any feelings to go beyond the friendship. Her suspicion came from some text messages in our cell phone statement. She interpreted the text messages not appropriate and accused me of initiating it which proves to her that we are flirting. This is not true because our messages are more on info of arrival where to meet and have coffee with other friends. The truth is, this female friend is a hiring manager of a company and I submitted my application for a job. My intention to talk to her often is because of a possible hiring. Now my wife is not talking to me and she seems serious as to tear up our wedding photo.

On the other hand, I have this weird feeling at age 50 because I felt something I have not felt since I feel in love with my wife 30 years ago. And this towards a 20 year old woman who happens to show some affection to me too. This affection may get out of hand and I am afraid it will lead to betraying my wife although I have no intention in leaving her for this girl. Although it did not happen yet, I thought that this maybe lust in having a young woman again. The only thing is, is the question of “love” that I feel for this girl. Am I wrong to feel this way? Why could this be happening again?
 
Hi rikk;

Well, I don’t think this is love. Not true love. More than anything, it sounds like infatuation, you have a crush on a young woman, what makes it more invigorating for you, is that you are 50, and perhaps at that time in life where you are questioning where you are, where you have been…etc. I don’t like the term mid life crisis, because I really don’t feel it’s ever a crisis, per se.

I really don’t think you should be text messaging any women, unless it is business related strictly. (unless the women are old time friends, married, and not interested in flirting with you) For your wife to interpret things as flirtations, most likely, there are flirtations going on between you two…as you wouldn’t be writing here that you feel like you are falling in love with this woman. You have a full life with your wife, don’t throw it away because you need to feel like you ‘still got it’ at 50. It will be the greatest mistake of your life, secularly, and spiritually.

The question is…would God put a 20 yr old woman or any woman in your life, to tempt you, flirt with you…and eventually lead you from your wife? No, He would not. God will NEVER ask us to do something that goes against His Word, never. He will never put us in adulterous paths…only we do that to ourselves. A 20 yr old unattached girl might not see anything wrong with this, but I would flip if my 20 yo daughter were flirting with a married man…who is 50. This needs to stop…If you are feeling this way, possible temptation to sin…you should flee the situation. I would not work at a place where you will run the risk of seeing this girl on a daily basis…

I would also maybe seek out counseling, both by yourself, and maybe with your wife, perhaps your marriage has grown complacent, or you are thinking …is this it…when it comes to where you are in life. You are human, but with God, all things are possible. Please pray that God will keep you from temptation. The pain of regret is always worse than the pain of discipline. My two cents.

I will hold you in my prayers…please don’t do something you will regret. God bless.
 
Thank you for the reply whatevergirl. Yes I am praying and had been praying. The only problem is the urge of my flesh. Counseling may not help because the responses are already in my mind. Controlling the urge is my biggest problem because when I feel down the urge is to have somebody comfort me. Feeling good is a joy and keeps the body alive and going. I will keep on praying to set my mind on God’s way. This is a test for me. I am struggling and I sometimes thought of asking God to show me the way, by touching me, or letting me feel that He is in me. Yes, I need you prayer.
 
You must avoid the possible occasions of sin, so you need to stop seeing this girl I’m afraid, tell your wife your intention to never see this girl again to because you have seen how upset it has made her and her happiness is the most important thing to you.

It is happening again because you are a man who has to deal with the consequences of original sin in this life. You smut live your life accordingly which means practising custody of your senses and even sacrificing pleasant companions whose company you enjoy.
 
Hi again;

The flesh can be very strong, and it’s good that you realize that this is a tempting situation…some people just go with the feeling, and never think about it, or look back, until it’s too late. I think you know what to do…it’s to not take this job where you’d be in temptation’s path by working for this woman. I would also stop texting. The itch that you would like to scratch, is right now, just an itch. If you continue to flirt with temptation, your flesh will become weaker and weaker, and you will end up in something you will regret.

Why not turn to your wife for comfort? If something is wrong in your marriage, you will not fix it by searching for something outside of your marriage. Keep praying and praying. But, don’t work for this woman. I know that times are tough right now with the economy, but your soul is far more important than money.

I hope you do the right thing, rikkk. God bless.
 
Thank you again for all your advises. Right now, my wife is still not talking to me. If she does, I will ask forgiveness for hurting her feelings because I think even though I have no intention to have any relationship I am sure she was hurt. The other girl must also be dealt with by hoping I can suppress the urge in talking to her again which is by the way so close to where I work. May God give me some light.
 
Do you have lots of money, Rikkk?

That might be why she seems interested. Or maybe she’s just friendly. Or you remind her of her father. But when I was in my 20s I did NOT look at the 50 year old guys. Imagine if you insulted your wife, ended your marriage and pursued it with this GIRL just to find out you had completely misinterpreted her friendliness. Wouldn’t that be awful. Worse yet is what kind of motives would a young woman like that have to be with a married man so much older.

Most 20-somethings think anyone over 34 is a fossil.

Is that enough light for ya? 👍

I love how men think 30 years makes no difference, but I know precious few women in their 50s who would attempt to flirt or be unfaithful with a 20-something guy.

Your wife has loved you for 30 years. That should count for something. At least loyalty.

Don’t toss 30 years away for a mirage.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
Do you have lots of money, Rikkk?

That might be why she seems interested. Or maybe she’s just friendly. Or you remind her of her father. But when I was in my 20s I did NOT look at the 50 year old guys. Imagine if you insulted your wife, ended your marriage and pursued it with this GIRL just to find out you had completely misinterpreted her friendliness. Wouldn’t that be awful. Worse yet is what kind of motives would a young woman like that have to be with a married man so much older.

Most 20-somethings think anyone over 34 is a fossil.

Is that enough light for ya? 👍

I love how men think 30 years makes no difference, but I know precious few women in their 50s who would attempt to flirt or be unfaithful with a 20-something guy.

Your wife has loved you for 30 years. That should count for something. At least loyalty.

Don’t toss 30 years away for a mirage.
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I agree with you completely and I really know that the absence of mutual love is not going to work. This is why I am going to terminate the relationship as soon as possible. Yes, this is true, however it may sound easy to say, the heart and mind should agree although my mind is determined. I think I got carried away with the sweetness she showed towards me and because of the absence of that feelings for a long time I thought it brought me a new life with the new vigor in me. My faith in God will conquer this. We are truly living in the world of fools. We sometimes forget our values, then the devil strikes because we thought that vanities are all we have to live.

My wife is right, because although I have no intention of an intimate relationship with that other woman I am texting, I never thought that she was hurt. This is the only thing I am contemplating, the job is almost at hand and to withdraw just because of misinterpretations of the text messages it will end with a reason of “jealousy”. (By the way, there are two different women I am talking, one who is matured and the other is young). So I guess that I have to tell this woman that I shall not have that kind of meetings anymore and if she wants my services she will judge it by my credentials and not our constant company.
 
rikkk1958 said:
I agree with you completely and I really know that the absence of mutual love is not going to work. This is why I am going to terminate the relationship as soon as possible. Yes, this is true, however it may sound easy to say, the heart and mind should agree although my mind is determined. I think I got carried away with the sweetness she showed towards me and because of the absence of that feelings for a long time I thought it brought me a new life with the new vigor in me. My faith in God will conquer this. We are truly living in the world of fools. We sometimes forget our values, then the devil strikes because we thought that vanities are all we have to live.

My wife is right, because although I have no intention of an intimate relationship with that other woman I am texting, I never thought that she was hurt. This is the only thing I am contemplating, the job is almost at hand and to withdraw just because of misinterpretations of the text messages it will end with a reason of “jealousy”. (By the way, there are two different women I am talking, one who is matured and the other is young). So I guess that I have to tell this woman that I shall not have that kind of meetings anymore and if she wants my services she will judge it by my credentials and not our constant company.
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That’s a very wise idea, indeed. I’m 40, my husband is 50…if he was hanging out with 20 yr old girls…I would start wondering about him…lol :oHanging out with women in general, over wanting to spend time with me in general would be strange, unless they were women he went to lunch with at work or whatever…but making plans with 20 yr old girls, it actually looks a little silly, you know? I think that if a 20 yr old girl wants to get invloved with a much older man, most likely she is looking for a father figure that she never really had…when I was 20, before meeting my husband, I always dated much older men, largely for that reason. So, I know firsthand that the appeal of a much older guy is usually a sign that someone has some childhood issues. Not 10 or 15 yrs difference, but 30? That is too high, in my opinion. Regardless, you are not single, so really, it needs to end…sooner than later. Your wife isn’t acting jealous really, she is hurt that you are spending a lot of time on something that isn’t edifying to your marriage. It’s not that we can’t have social circles outside of our marriage, but the social circle should never ever detract from our marriage, if it does, one should forego the social group. Everything we think and do should somehow edify our marriages, or at the very least, not take away from them.

Hope you find the strength to work this out…soon. God bless!
 
Thanks again whatevergirl. Today I reconciled with my wife because I told her about taking these issues out of proportion. She actually said that I should just continue with my application. She knew I worked so hard to get closer. The only reason is that the one hiring is a woman and I am caught with the texting which by no means had no intimate meaning or communication.

It will leave me the younger one now whom I wish to severe my relationship. I hope I will have the strength to suppress my feelings so that I can talk to here the way it should be. Lust is something, you know, and the flesh is always willing, but on the other hand thank God of our spirituality, we can always have our urge checked. I can not promised it will be easy, with constant prayer I know God will hear me.
 
Just imagine…if your wife was thinking of another man lustfully…it would really hurt and offend you. Anger you. We are to do unto others as they would do unto us…and in love, your wife is trusting you will end the friendship with this woman that has ensued. Just always remember to switch things around when in doubt, and imagine how you’d feel if your wife was having emotions and thoughts of a much younger man, or any man, over you. I know that the flesh is weak…but God is strong…lean on Him during this, He will see you through, I promise.

Glad to see your wife has forgiven you…hope things continue on a positive path.
 
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