Love and physical attraction? HELP!

[CatholicGirl88]

Hi,

I am in a very difficult situation in my relationship with my boy friend and need some advice and spiritual guidance. We met online and were mutual friends. At that time I was in a relationship. That relationship went downhill because my ex couldn’t accept my health condition. After my break up, we became closer and chatted more. He helped me through my breakup w my ex to find myself and become happy again. Online chats lead to long phone conversations. He then was visiting my city because his brother was graduating to become a Marine. We met few times while he visited and remained close friends when he returned home. I accepted our close friendship because I wasn’t attracted to him but deeply admired his golden heart.

After months of talking, I noticed he was falling for me. At this time, it’s been about a year after my breakup. I too started to build feelings but was afraid to lose our friendship if anything affected it. I also felt the long distant would be too difficult but he was originally planning to move to my area for career opportunities before our friendship. Soon after that we shared our feelings and we decided to give it a try. I tried to let go of my ideal type and give in to my heart knowing he was the best man I’ve ever met. Every single man from my past that I was attracted to all turned out to be jerks. So I thought I was being very shallow and let go of the attraction. He’s faithful, loving, caring, generous, hardworking, extremely smart and fully accepts my health condition. One thing that made me hesitant about the relationship, besides the physical attraction and long distance was that he is a Lutheran. I definitely want to marry a true Catholic. I would never force him to have the same faith unless he chooses the Catholic faith for himself. He tells me he’s leaning more into the Catholic church and he’s studying more about it.

It’s been about 9 months since I’ve last seen him. He recently visited me and spent everyday for 6 days together. I introduced him to my parents which I have never done before. He is the first man to meet my parents and to ever take me seriously. Everything is there… his loving heart, willing to sacrifice for me, respect my family and I, and build a bright future together. He’s slow to anger and very forgiving. He takes any spiritual consideration and we bring each other closer to God.

The only problem is… I’m still not attracted to him after he visited again. I mean he is not hideous looking but he’s also not the cutest guy. I’ve asked my married girl friends about their attraction towards their partner. Some said they were attracted but it faded while others said they weren’t attracted at all but within time eventually became attracted to them as their love grew stronger. I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t spent enough physical time with him to overcome this or I’ll always feel this way. In public, I found other strange man to be more attractive. I feel terrible and shallow. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted and I feel terrible for feeling this way. It makes me extremely frustrated and miserable and has been driving me away from God. I don’t want to lose him but at the same time don’t think it’s fair to him that I feel this way towards him.

I did some research on some Catholic sites for dating advice. I understood that there must be some physical attraction towards your partner. God put it in us to desire one another and that it is normal. I’ve decided for us to take a break for a few days to reconnect with God since He is first priority. I asked that we both fast and pray for God’s will for us. I didn’t tell him why one of the reasons why I’ve been miserable because I’m not attracted to him. I’m afraid to tell him because his ex broke up with him because of his weight back when he was overweight. I’m afraid he still has insecurities from his past even though he lost a lot of weight and takes care of himself now. He’s already heartbroken hearing I want a break but is willing to do anything for me because he is madly in love with me. It’s been deeply breaking my heart to put him through this pain. I don’t want to be selfish and only want God’s will for my boy friend and I.

What do you think I should do? Any advice? Guidance? HELP!!! :frighten::

 

[underacloud]

You are doing exactly what you should…which is to take some time out for prayer and to prioritise God. When we lack the wisdom to make decisions such as this, it’s important to offer the situation to God and try our best to hear His answer.

Physical attractiveness will be important to some people and not to others. You can’t really rely on other people’s experiences to guide you in this regard, although knowing that for some people the attraction developed might be of some comfort. But at some point, and hopefully with God’s guidance, you might need to make a tough call and end it if you know that it just isn’t happening and seems to be an issue for you. In the meantime, pray.

 

[mt_gooseberry]

First of all, don’t worry too much about the Lutheran thing. It’s not that big a step from Lutheranism to Catholicism, especially if he’s already looking into it. It’s hard to say no to the true Church when you’re already so close!

Now on to the real issue. Have you tried being physical with him? I don’t mean do anything that could start you on a slippery slope to sin, but even just holding hands. I wasn’t super attracted to my DH until we started to spend time in close physical proximity. The more time we spent that way, the more attracted I got. The only problem with this advice is by following it you could be playing with fire…I was determined to be a virgin on my wedding night, and, well, that didn’t happen. But maybe just try a little touch to see if it creates any sparks? And if there are, you might want to back off again.

 

[Nonnovi]

Fasting and praying is good Take the time you need to clear your mind, to put some things straight.

The first thing you have to decide is weather you really love him or not. It think you have a very solid base (your friendship) to build a relationship on, that’s always a good start. Try to think about what you like most in him. Apparently not his appearance, but that’s ok, it’s not mandatory. From what I read you really like his character. That is nice. It’s very clear that we as humans are made of 2 components: body and soul. In my opinion, if you really want to love someone, you have to love their soul, not their body. And I think you allready do that.

And second, if it’s clear to you that you really love him, you should do something about the issue of the ideal type. Let it go completely! In matters of Love, nothing is obligatory. Love is free of boundaries. If you have an ideal man in your head, you will compare every guy you meet with that ideal type and will only see the differences between the real one and the ideal one. Don’t ask advice on this matter (unless you ask God of course), because you will only take over someone elses ideals and standards. You have to decide of your own what you like in someones and what your next step will be.

Physical attraction is in many cases the first thing there is between a man and a woman, becauses our body reacts to other people. It goes almost automatic. The soul however is a more difficult case. Connections between souls are very difficult to achieve and take effort. That is why some people are easily attracted by someone, but are disgusted when they get to know them better. Or the other way around, you can feel no physical attraction and only like his character for example, but when time passes you think they get more handsome then you first thought. Cherish the connection you already have!

I have been in love with girls I thought weren’t very attractive. But I really liked them as a person. And I started to like them more as a person. And then they suddenly looked a bit more attractive, and more,… Body and soul go together. If you already like their soul, chances are good that you will begin to like their body too, sooner or later. Seeing him more often could help.

And even then physical attraction is not mandatory. It’s mandatory if you want it to be. Is it bad if the physical attraction doesn’t come with time if you really love him? You love his soul, does anything else matter? Don’t forget, body’s get older and change, but the soul doesn’t. The soul lasts. Put the question if you want physical attraction in Gods hands, He will tell you what is necessary.

Oh, and I don’t want to be rude, but you should figure out if he is planning to convert to catholicism or not. Relationships between catholics and protestants are difficult in concrete religious matters. I don’t want to say it’s impossible but there are just too many differences (for example, wich church will you attend? How will you raise your children, catholic or lutheran?). Sometimes mixed couples can argue a lot about these things, until they aren’t comfortable in eachothers company anymore and divorce. If you think religious issues are going to be a problem, you might want to break up, how painful that may be. But it’s the most honest thing you can do and the most respectful for your and his beliefs.

I don’t know if this made any sense, but just rely on God. Trust Him and everything will turn out as He wants it to.

 

[CatholicGirl88]

underacloud,

Thank you for your advise. You’re right I do think it’s different for everyone. I’m just trying to figure if the problem is truly about the physical attraction or something else. One of my sisters said he looked like one of our cousins after she met him. And ever since she said that I thought of my cousin every time I hung out with my bf. My cousin is like my brother and a close friend, and that’s how I saw him sometimes. One I my cousins who met him also said she saw us as good friends at first but towards the end of the night she saw how crazy in love he was with me and said he’s a keeper.

 

[CatholicGirl88]

mt_gooseberry,

You’re right Lutheran is not too different I understand it’s the closest protestant religion to Catholic. My boy friend did mention he wants to send our kids ( If we marry) to Catholic schools only. He went to Lutheran schools up until high school. He went to a catholic high school but went back to attend a Lutheran church after high school bc someone turned him away from Catholicism. He started to study it again years later and became more encourage to start going to Catholic church since he met me. I never imposed my faith on him but has understood it much better with the way I explain it to him.

I actually have a confession for you… We did get close. We fell into lust when he came here. I am still a virgin but still fell into lustful situations. I feel like the lust has mostly clouded my mind and makes me feel miserable. I didn’t feel any spark when I kissed him it just felt neutral but again not sure if that matters since its just an emotion. I do love him but the lust forced me to have doubts. It’s just extremely hard bc we don’t see each other at all. Last time I saw him was about 9 months. We finally saw each other few days ago. I mentioned it to him about how the lust made me feel and got me questioning if this is true love. He automatically felt horrible and decided to fast from everything that he enjoys to eat to remind himself what a terrible thing he did. Another thing that was hard is that his best friend decided to come along with him last minute and we didn’t have enough time to be together. I know it’s a lot of factors as to why I feel this way…

 

[CatholicGirl88]

Nonnovi,

At first when we started dating, the physical attraction did bother me. But knowing that it wasnt as important as his heart and soul, I slowly overcame it as he revealed more of his amazing heart. We did have a strong friendship when we first met. We got to know each other for a year just as friends. We treated each other and shared everything w each other the same way we would with our best friends. I’ve never known any other guy on a good basis as I do with my bf. I saw so many amazing qualities and such a loving heart. I definitely see God in his soul.

I do believe I’ll be able to overcome the attraction if I saw him enough. But it’s difficult with the long distance. It’s not easy or convenient since he lives on the other side of the country. He is planning to move here when he graduates in a year and a half. I’m just afraid I won’t be able to overcome it until he is here. I know we can Skype and face chat…but it won’t be the same. I’ll probably only get to see him at least twice a year if he visits and I won’t be able to visit him since my parents are a bit old school.

He is planning on entering the Catholic church and would like to raise our future family (if we marry) as catholic and send kids to catholic school. We went to a catholic mass when he visited me few days ago. He loved it and thought it was beautiful but said he is still comfortable with the Lutheran church he grew up with. I can understand that bc I too am most comfortable with one catholic church I grew up with. But it still worried me thinking he won’t ever be comfortable w any Catholic church. I mentioned this to him and said he loved the church but won’t feel comfortable until he finds a church and priest he can fully understand (mass we attended was partially in Italian). He also doesnt want to establish his faith in a catholic church in his city yet bc he’s afraid he’ll get too comfortable and close w the priest and church to leave it when he decides to move. I explained that our church is universal he doesn’t hasn’t to worry about that… Idk I keep telling him to become a catholic for him and not for me but he seems confident in choosing to enter the same faith

And now he’s planning to visit me for a day to relive our special date night we had when he was here bc we weren’t able to do it alone since his friend was with us. So we decided to double dated w my cousin for his friend. It was hard we didnt have enough comfort with each other bc his friend always tagged along.

I feel like he tries so hard to make this work and almost insist on only making it work without trying to seek God’s will. I want to be able to breathe and take a step back without talking about only one possibility and only our future together… It’s so frustrating :bighanky:

 

[Nonnovi]

CatholicGirl88, always keep in mind what the saint father Pio said: Love is not cheap, it’s very demanding! And that’s true, I think you already experienced how exhausting it can be.

You will overcome the attraction problems you have, I’m sure you will. If the both of you can experience feelings of lust in eachothers company then physical attraction isn’t a problem anymore I guess.But you must of course be aware of lust. It makes you feel uncomfortable, it should! Lust can indeed make you focus on the wrong things. But not so much in your case I think. Lust and attraction go often together and make you forget to pay attention to the qualities of someones heart or soul. It’s all about the physical part. You don’t have this physical attraction or not that much, so lust will not make you blind for his good qualities.

Lust however can be dangerous if you just let it overcome you and don’t bend it in the right direction. I think that is what makes you feel so troubled about the lust difficulties. Pray to Mary about this, she is a loving mother who will understand and guide you in this matter. If you experience sudden feelings of lust, pray:
By your immaculate conception, oh Mary, purify my body and sanctify my soul.
And you can say a Hail Mary before or after. This prayer really helps to focus on the rigth things. If one time isn’t enough, repeat it as much as necessary

If your boyfriend really wants to be catholic, he will eventually have to accept that we have a Church (with capital C) and not a church like protestants have (each his own). The Church is universal, like you said. If he truly wants to convert, it doesn’t matter where. There is no reason to delay. Saddly it is true that within the catholic church there are many different styles. But if you know the meaning of the church teachings, style doesn’t really matter, you can always find a nice church where you feel comfortable afterwards.
I find the extraordinary form of the Roman rite very comforting, because it’s everywhere exactly the same (and you wouldn’t have possible language problems), but that’s a personal choice.

Maybe you should try to stop thinking about the future and try to live here and now. Enjoy every moment you have together, wether it’s with his friend or not. That might not be easy but it is some sort of taking a step back. Don’t focus too hard on the many questions and expectations you have. It’s because of them you are feeling so frustrated. Been there, not very pleasant until you just let them go. If you pray enough, God will eventually show you what you have to do (but mostly not on the time you want or expect). And you can always ask other people to pray for you too. I will do so

 

[CatholicGirl88]

As I prayed and fasted for the past few days, my mind was leaning towards one way. I enjoy listening to spiritual purity and love talks. This time I listened, it helped open my mind towards few things in this relationship. My mind kept telling me to let go and if its meant to be God will bring us back together when we’re ready. If not, then let it be it was meant to be that way. Theses qualities in him which I have never seen in any other guy could be that God is revealing them to me so I can look for similar qualities in the future man I hope to marry one day. My mind just felt most comfortable in letting go so we can establish our faith as individuals separately.

But tonight he called me sounding all worried bc his father had a heart attack. I felt terrible and said to forget the break and that I was going to be there to talk to. I would never leave him in this situation especially since his dad is in bad shape. It’s been such a bad week for him I just want to be there. He asked if we can put everything in the past and start anew pure and faithful relationship. Idk if this is a sign from God but my mind doesn’t feel comfortable continuing on after I told myself maybe were better off letting it go and leaving it in Gods hands. Now I feel stuck but selfish…

 

[Nonnovi]

Don’t worry about God giving signals. Most of the time we even do not notice His signals or don’t understand them. God doesn’t strike you with lightning, or doesn’t write something in the clouds. His signals are mostly what you describe as “leaning towards one way”. Do you know the feeling that you suddenly just know what to do? That for no reason you just realise what is best? That are signals of God. He just let’s you “know”. And it’s ok if you still have doubts, this feeling of knowing what to do will eventualy be stronger.

In your case at this moment, just be there for your friend (what you already do:thumbsup. He is probably very confused at this moment with all what is going on. So support him as a good friend, nothing more. And see where that leads you.
If you say your mind isn’t comfortable with the idea of starting the relationship again, it could be that sign of God you wanted. I know you’re in a difficult situation now, but remember wat Saint-Ignatius of Loyola said. He adviced to not change your decisions at moments when your mind and soul are troubled and just stick with what you decided earlier. I think that in your fasting and praying you were at ease and took a decision (to let him go at this moment). When his father had a heart attack, you got into a troubled state of mind. You even feel selfish and stuck. My advice would be: hold on to the idea of letting him go and just support him as a friend. Thinks could eventualy change, but not now. There is too much going on. Let the situation calm down. If God want’s you two to be together again, he’ll find the appropriate time.

Under any circumstance, keep praying (for strength, for your friend, for his dad, to thank God…)