Love and Respect

  • Thread starter Thread starter TruthSeeker92
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
T

TruthSeeker92

Guest
Hi! 🙂

I have a question for everyone - primarily married folks. Have you ever heard of Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrichs? Has anyone read the book? If so, did it enlighten you or did it make you frustrated?

Men: What do you feel are ways women show respect to men? What are ways YOU feel respected by women? List some ways in which women can respect men (without being a “doormat”)

Women: What do you feel are ways men show respect to women? What are ways YOU feel respected by men? List some ways men can respect women (without being a “doormat”)

I want to see if there are differences or if the signs of respect overlap.
 
TruthSeeker92 said:
Hi! 🙂

I have a question for everyone - primarily married folks. Have you ever heard of Love and Respect by Emerson Eggrichs? Has anyone read the book? If so, did it enlighten you or did it make you frustrated?

Men: What do you feel are ways women show respect to men? What are ways YOU feel respected by women? List some ways in which women can respect men (without being a “doormat”)

Women: What do you feel are ways men show respect to women? What are ways YOU feel respected by men? List some ways men can respect women (without being a “doormat”)

I want to see if there are differences or if the signs of respect overlap.
Click to expand...
I haven’t read the book, but I suspect that he underestimates the extent to which both sexes need both love and respect.
 
His stance is basically, yes both men and women need love and respect BUT respect is a mans primary need and love is a woman’s primary need.
 
TruthSeeker92 said:
His stance is basically, yes both men and women need love and respect BUT respect is a mans primary need and love is a woman’s primary need.
Click to expand...
I would argue that love (if it is worthy of the name) is respectful, and that respect always contains a certain amount of love.

So love and respect aren’t really as distinct as some people think. There’s actually a fair amount of overlap between the two.

As a woman, I certainly find that I want respect both from my children and from my husband.
 
I’ve read the book and found it helpful in some ways and discouraging in others, but overall, insightful. I found some of the “disrespectful” things surprising, and asked my husband about them. He agreed with the book. I think Dr. Eggerichs does hit wives a bit harder than necessary on the respect issue, but it’s a good starting point, anyway.

I agree that there is some overlap, but love and respect in the sense used in the book regarding husband and wife, are not the same as the basic Christian love and respect we should give to anyone. For instance, I may have a lot of respect my boss or my president, but that does not mean I love them (or necessarily even like them), and certainly not anywhere near the way I love my spouse. In Christian love, yes, but still not the same. And I may love someone dearly (such as a younger sibling), but have much less respect for them than I would (or should) for my spouse. Christian respect, yes, but not the same.

In the same way, wives and husbands generally expect and need different levels of love and respect.

Basically, even when we think we’re being loving, we wives often don’t realize we are coming across disrespectfully to our husbands, and husbands, even when they think they’re being respectful, often don’t realize that they are coming across as unloving to their wives. That’s really what he addresses in the book: those misunderstandings, and the ways we may view love and respect differently.

Dr. Eggerichs does not say or imply that women don’t want respect or men don’t want love–in fact, he says the opposite: we all want and need both. But he says that in general (and he mentions that there are exceptions), men feel a greater need for respect, and women feel a greater need for love (which is backed up by scientific studies, as well). If I recall correctly, he does define the terms, but not simply, in a way that can be easily written here.

I’ll have to dig out my copy and read it again. It’s been a while. 🙂
 
CatholicRaven said:
I’ve read the book and found it helpful in some ways and discouraging in others, but overall, insightful. I found some of the “disrespectful” things surprising, and asked my husband about them. He agreed with the book. I think Dr. Eggerichs does hit wives a bit harder than necessary on the respect issue, but it’s a good starting point, anyway.

I agree that there is some overlap, but love and respect in the sense used in the book regarding husband and wife, are not the same as the basic Christian love and respect we should give to anyone. For instance, I may have a lot of respect my boss or my president, but that does not mean I love them (or necessarily even like them), and certainly not anywhere near the way I love my spouse. In Christian love, yes, but still not the same. And I may love someone dearly (such as a younger sibling), but have much less respect for them than I would (or should) for my spouse. Christian respect, yes, but not the same.

In the same way, wives and husbands generally expect and need different levels of love and respect.

Basically, even when we think we’re being loving, we wives often don’t realize we are coming across disrespectfully to our husbands, and husbands, even when they think they’re being respectful, often don’t realize that they are coming across as unloving to their wives. That’s really what he addresses in the book: those misunderstandings, and the ways we may view love and respect differently.

Dr. Eggerichs does not say or imply that women don’t want respect or men don’t want love–in fact, he says the opposite: we all want and need both. But he says that in general (and he mentions that there are exceptions), men feel a greater need for respect, and women feel a greater need for love (which is backed up by scientific studies, as well). If I recall correctly, he does define the terms, but not simply, in a way that can be easily written here.

I’ll have to dig out my copy and read it again. It’s been a while. 🙂
Click to expand...
LSK, CatholicRaven explained it perfectly.!
 
I think more couples should read the book, and singles too. It is just a very counter cultural teaching and it is difficult to accept, but it’s not condoning abuse or being “a doormat” by any means. If anything it creates humility and equality for both genders and fosters the awareness about the other persons inner world. I haven’t read all of it but I appreciate your feedback and I also encourage others to post about any thoughts as well.👍
 
My take on respect and love.

Respect is the foundation for love. I do not see why we separate the two. I also do not see the view that women need love more than respect and men need respect more than love. I will not be with a person who sees me as a lesser being because I am a woman no matter how much he says he loves me.

Respect is acknowledgement of someone’s intrinsic worth as a human. When we see the intrinsic worth of a human and want what’s best for him or her, that is love. It all starts with respect. This is why I despise sneering, contempt and condescension.
 
What I find ridiculous about these books is they don’t always take into account that different woman will feel different actions are loving and respectful and the same for men. I can’t count how many times I ever heard someone tell a man who to ‘win a woman’s heart’ and in the back of my mind I am thinking that will never work for me. And I can’t count how many times while doing girl talk I told woman how I like men to treat me and they disagreed. The reality is, the best way to love and respect someone is to get to know them and to do what makes them happy. Easier said than done
 
Maybe you guys missed that we’re speaking about a particular book here, Love and Respect, by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs? :confused:

Anyway, realizing that I didn’t really answer the OP’s question about respect… I’ll do that now. My answers are mostly directed towards spouses, but many could apply to other situations, too.

*What do you feel are ways men show respect to women? What are ways YOU feel respected by men? *
  1. When he understands and accepts that we are different, but still equal.
  2. Opens doors for me and helps me carry heavy items without making a big deal out of it.
  3. Doesn’t expect me to serve him, and appreciates it when I choose to do so.
  4. Avoids the use of crude or foul language in my presence.
  5. Treats my time as valuable (especially my “free time”).
  6. Shows respect for my friends and family.
  7. Supports and encourages me to reach my goals, without giving unsolicited advice.
  8. Understands that I am physically weaker and softer, and responds appropriately–for example, doesn’t crush my hand in a “firm” handshake or smack me on the shoulder, etc.
List some ways men can respect women (without being a “doormat”)
  1. Showing appreciation for her work, skill/talent, and/or effort when appropriate.
  2. Treat her as an equal, not an object, a servant, or a child in need of correction.
  3. Listen, make eye contact, and don’t interrupt when she’s talking.
  4. Don’t expect her to drop everything at your beck and call.
    5a. Understand that she cannot be expected to respond as you would–especially in situations involving other men.
    5b. Avoid telling her how she should feel, or implying that she’s overreacting, too sensitive, or that she didn’t interpret the situation correctly–even if you were there.
  5. Avoid the use of “pet names” unless you’re her husband, father, or grandfather, and she’s okay with it. (Would you call your male peers, “hun,” “sweetheart,” or “dear”?) 😉
  6. Use manners and tact. Be courteous.
  7. Speak well of her to others. Don’t make jokes at her expense.
I’m sure there are many more, but it’s way past my bedtime now. 😃
 
I’ve never found the men are from Mars women are from Venus approach to really be helpful when talking about love and respect in a marriage. All of this opposite sex is a mystery stuff is odd. It certainly does not pertain to my family or marriage.

Though I have not read the book. I could be completely wrong and this author could have solved the greatest mystery of all time!
 
I don’t agree with the author and would not read a book like this… Everyone regardless of their sex should be treated with dignity. Dignity is not earned and is given to all by God. When you approach someone with dignity, everything falls into place.
Love and respect in some cases need to be earned.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
I’ve never found the men are from Mars women are from Venus approach to really be helpful when talking about love and respect in a marriage. All of this opposite sex is a mystery stuff is odd. It certainly does not pertain to my family or marriage.

Though I have not read the book. I could be completely wrong and this author could have solved the greatest mystery of all time!
Click to expand...
Same. I don’t need anyone to decode my husband. We know each other pretty well by now and if there is any confusion, we’ll ask each other.

I’m not very clear on the textbook differences between love and respect, but for what it’s worth, it’s important to my husband that I look up to him in a certain regard. I do, but I have no need for him to look up to me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top