Love...and sticking points

[karinna]

I am 23, and have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years. I was brought up in a Catholic household and in many ways consider myself to be a Catholic. I agree with the majority of teachings, and others, well, I struggle like everybody but I do try. I’m having problems though because I have been having sex with my boyfriend, with the intention of being married to him. I feel terrible guilt as I know that there is something not right about doing this before marriage…I feel it is wrong, even though it frustrates me at the same time and often makes me very angry and upset that I am basically going to Hell even though I’d say I am a good person in other ways!! My boyfriend was brought up a Catholic and indeed believes many of the things I do, but he struggles to understand how I can feel depressed and guilty over sex. He thinks there is nothing wrong with it, because he believes we will marry, and has said on quite a few occasions how he thinks its important to have, otherwise he might start seeing the other person as just a friend/sister/non-sexual way. I am terrified that if we stop having sex, 1. I won’t have his support so I will probably find it even more difficult to stop having sex, and 2. he will eventually end our relationship because he sees us as having very different feelings on a topic which is grounds to split up. In many many ways we are suited and I really would love to marry him, and he feels the same. We are very much in love. But I feel so down about sex, that I honestly can say that if I did marry him, the problems of pre-marital sex wouldn’t go away. I don’t know how to proceed in this relationship. I love him so much it would hurt so badly to not be with him…but I just don;t know if he would agree to abstaining. He is very supportive of the idea of NFP if we did get married, and ironically of abstaining a good few months before our wedding in order to make it special!?
Does anybody have any experiences that they could share? I sometimes feel very alone in this.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’ve shared my experience with this several times, but I will again.

I’m about to be married in another 2 weeks. I’ve been abstaining from sex for the past 6 months. We didn’t continue to have relations until there was an “ideal” time to stop. When we were told it was wrong by our priest and in order to achieve inward grace to receive the Eucharist, we stopped. It’s been hard at times, especially for my Fiance. He understood it was wrong for us to engage in relations but had it figured in his head that he wouldn’t have to stop until the Easter Vigil because it wouldn’t matter until that point. I said no, for two reasons. I was already Catholic and wanted to receive the Eucharist now and, more importantly, it was morally wrong. Full stop. If I was murdering people but wanted to come back to the church, I wouldn’t continue to murder people until I decided there was an “ideal” time to stop. Adultery is still a commandment and sex before marriage is a grave matter which can translate into Mortal Sin.
He got it and agreed with me and we stopped. It has changed our relationship significantly in good ways and in bad ways. We had to figure out how to show affection to each other without going to far. It was weird in the beginning but it got easier for a while. Now, we are both on edge because the wedding date is so close and we both want to feel married.

We were already engaged at this point and had wanted to marry within the church. What started as an intention to get a dispensation for me to marry a non-catholic, quickly evolved into the two of us starting RCIA, with him becoming a full member of the Church and me finishing confirmation.

Are you going to Mass weekly? If so, then you need to either stop having relations and go to confession or just stop receiving the Eucharist. If you aren’t, then you need to start going to Mass because missing church is a sin too.

Honestly, this needs to be something the two of you have to be on board with for it to work. You understand that you need to stop and there is no point in engaging in relations if you are going to feel guilty about it every single time.
The truth is, it’s very difficult to do but in order to practice NFP, you need to know how to abstain anyway. Every Catholic marriage will encounter a time frame of chastity.

My advice? Have a very serious talk with him. Tell him if you both are intending to Marry then two things need to happen right now. One, you need to stop having relations, no ifs ands or buts. Two, you need to become engaged and figure out when you’re going to Marry so there is an end date and a goal to meet. Otherwise, you will be refraining from relations for an indefinite amount of time and that is even more difficult.

If he isn’t on board with this then you need to end the relationship because this will not translate well into marriage at all. Your communication with him will plummet because you are just doing what he wants and it will make marriage very difficult.

 

[Irishmom2]

If you have not already done so, please click on the chastity link on this site at the top of the page. Jason Evert and his wife are amazing speakers about chastity and future spouse. He is the author of several books that are very informative, also available from this site I believe.

No matter what your past is, his and his wife’s story will fill your heart with hope and expand your faith. Check it out and you will be moved by their stories.

May God bless you and guide you.

 

[Dave_B]

… makes me very angry and upset that I am basically going to Hell even though I’d say I am a good person in other ways!!..

I believe the teaching of the CC is that a person would only go to hell if they die unrepentent. btw we use contraception but then again its not viewed as a sin in the Anglican church. You could seek the marriage advice of your local priest.

 

[kristacecilia]

Don’t marry someone who would dump you because you refuse to compromise on your morals.

Sit down and have a solid heart-to-heart with him. Explain that you want to stop having sex because you don’t want to have all these negative feelings of guilt and regret associated to something that is so incredibly wonderful. Tell him that you love him and you wan to marry him and that you value his soul and don’t want to compromise it or start your marriage off tainted by sin- even if it is only a potential taint (from his point of view).

Having sex = potential for Hell.
Not having sex = definitely not going to Hell for it.

Right? Pretty logical.

Anyway, lay it down. You will not have sex anymore. If he starts to see you in a non-sexual way because you won’t have sex with him and he breaks up with you for it, trust me, you are better off without him.

You do realize there are extended periods of time in marriage where you can’t have sex right? Illness? Potentially in pregnancy? Following childbirth? Separation due to travel or something else? You really have to have a relationship that is founded on something BESIDES sex to make it long term here.

Anyway, after you stop having sex with him, please reconcile yourself to the Church through the sacraments of Confession and (following that) the Holy Eucharist. Encourage him to seek the sacraments as well. Tell him how important it is to you that you build a solid foundation for your future marriage.

And if he can’t handle that, as much as you will hurt, letting him go would be the best choice for both of you.

 

[kristacecilia]

I feel terrible guilt as I know that there is something not right about doing this before marriage…I feel it is wrong, even though it frustrates me at the same time and often makes me very angry and upset that I am basically going to Hell even though I’d say I am a good person in other ways!!

There are a lot of good people in this world who do bad things. Everyone has a vice or bad habit that they have to overcome.

Listen to the voice inside of you that is telling you it is wrong. God put that voice there for a reason- so that you can make sure you are doing this whole pre-marriage thing right. There are VERY important parts of your relationship that you need to be developing right now that will be hindered or completely overshadowed by the powerful feelings associated with a sexual relationship.

In other words: engagement- you’re doing it wrong.

There is a time for sex. It’s in marriage, after you have made your vows and are sacramentally bound to one another for life. When you are having sacramental sex it is freeing and the fulfillment of what you have been preparing for throughout your engagement. Its the beginning of the life-giving aspect of your marriage. You are really putting the cart ahead of the horse here.

I have no doubt that you are a good person in many, many ways. It doesn’t mean you can’t struggle with something that is sinful.

 

[karinna]

I just wanted to say to those who have replied so far that you have made me feel so much better. Almost, excited, at the fact that I could actually feel better about myself, and my future marriage (to whomever it may be…). I have not been attending church on my own for years, although when I am visiting my parents (I go to university) I always attend mass happily and feel glad to be back there. The reason I don’t go when I am on my own at university is because I feel that what is the point if I am committing a grave sin? When I am home I don’t see my boyfriend and therefore do not have sex, and thus feel holier and more ‘worthy’ of going to mass. Does that make sense? I do crave it though. I’d also be scared about admitting all of this to a priest in confession. Last time I went to confession I didn’t say anything about sex…I find it embarassing, although in my head I was admitting it? I know this isn’t the same. Anyway thank you SO much for your caring replies. I feel welcome in the Catholic community now more than I have in years, and that is a feat.

 

[karinna]

Edit: When I just said ‘I crave it’ I mean mass, not sex, lol. Oddly I never crave sex. It has lost its magic for me since I lost my virginity.

 

[thetruth0flife]

I think in my opinion you guys should talk about it a little more carefully.

What matters in your relationship is the happiness. Other than that, I don’t think you will go to hell for having sex before marriage. You both are doing a pure act which is loving yourselfs during sex.

Finally, I would recommend that you guys both agree on what makes you happy the best. Think about what circumstances or actions really brings you guys together and what maintains the unity. Blessings.

 

[karinna]

Well I have spoken to my boyfriend now and I have to say it hasn’t gone well. He has begrudgingly agreed to abstain, but explicitly said that I shouldn’t expect miracles (ie: it is HIGHLY likely that he’ll end it because he can’t not have sex). The conversation made me feel strong, but also strangely weak and terribly upset. I feel strong because I am glad I am sticking to my true morals and true beliefs and that I will hopefully be able to marry without feelings of guilt…etc. However his reaction made me upset, although technically he agreed, it was the way he said it. So full of doom. Again, without his support on this matter, I feel that I will fail/be tempted.
It is oh so difficult in today’s society, I can’t help thinking, when there is so much focus on ‘sex as part of a healthy relationship’ (not marriage). My friends think I’m mad too.

 

[CatholiCaliMom]

Well I have spoken to my boyfriend now and I have to say it hasn’t gone well. He has begrudgingly agreed to abstain, but explicitly said that I shouldn’t expect miracles (ie: it is HIGHLY likely that he’ll end it because he can’t not have sex). The conversation made me feel strong, but also strangely weak and terribly upset. I feel strong because I am glad I am sticking to my true morals and true beliefs and that I will hopefully be able to marry without feelings of guilt…etc. However his reaction made me upset, although technically he agreed, it was the way he said it. So full of doom. Again, without his support on this matter, I feel that I will fail/be tempted.
It is oh so difficult in today’s society, I can’t help thinking, when there is so much focus on ‘sex as part of a healthy relationship’ (not marriage). My friends think I’m mad too.

Just remember to hold your ground. It’s not easy, for sure. I was in your position, but at a younger age, with a guy who I was having sex with, because we were going to get married “someday.” Let me tell you one thing from hindsight–DO NOT feel guilted into sex. Yep, been there, done that. Things are getting hot and heavy, you ask to slow down/stop, boyfriend acts upset/down, you feel guilty so you give in. It only makes things worse.

My guess is that you’re finding sex, since you lost your virginity, to have “lost its magic” because it’s not occurring in its proper context.

I didn’t marry the boy I thought I would. When I met my husband, neither of us were virgins, and yet we waited until we were married to have sex with each other. And sex within our marriage has never been filled with guilt, doubt, anguish, etc–all the things we both felt in sex (with others) BEFORE we were married.

Our culture most certainly puts sex to the forefront of relationships, but I’m one to tell you that it’s never too late to change your mind. Hugs to you.

 

[kristacecilia]

Well I have spoken to my boyfriend now and I have to say it hasn’t gone well. He has begrudgingly agreed to abstain, but explicitly said that I shouldn’t expect miracles (ie: it is HIGHLY likely that he’ll end it because he can’t not have sex). The conversation made me feel strong, but also strangely weak and terribly upset. I feel strong because I am glad I am sticking to my true morals and true beliefs and that I will hopefully be able to marry without feelings of guilt…etc. However his reaction made me upset, although technically he agreed, it was the way he said it. So full of doom. Again, without his support on this matter, I feel that I will fail/be tempted.
It is oh so difficult in today’s society, I can’t help thinking, when there is so much focus on ‘sex as part of a healthy relationship’ (not marriage). My friends think I’m mad too.

:hug3:

Relationships are really hard. You are definitely making the right choice. Be strong.

 

[1ke]

Well I have spoken to my boyfriend now and I have to say it hasn’t gone well. He has begrudgingly agreed to abstain, but explicitly said that I shouldn’t expect miracles (ie: it is HIGHLY likely that he’ll end it because he can’t not have sex).

Well then, he’s just saved everyone a lot of time by showing his true colors.

Find a real man, one committed to the faith. That is what you should be striving for-- holiness. And, a person with real marriage potential will be striving for holiness with you.

 

[KCT]

Stick to your guns! You won’t regret it.

If he can’t abstain now, what will happen later? If you marry and have children, you’ll have to abstain after childbirth. Same if you are ill or injured in some way. Marriage doesn’t mean constant sex. (well, maybe for some… ) But you get the idea.

If he breaks up because you won’t have sex, he doesn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved!

 

[chevalier]

He thinks there is nothing wrong with it, because he believes we will marry, and has said on quite a few occasions how he thinks its important to have, otherwise he might start seeing the other person as just a friend/sister/non-sexual way.

Relationships before marriage are actually meant to be that way. Sexual partnership starts with marriage, before that we’re mostly just friends and possibly discerning, even though we could have feelings and desires for someone.

I am terrified that if we stop having sex, 1. I won’t have his support so I will probably find it even more difficult to stop having sex, and 2. he will eventually end our relationship because he sees us as having very different feelings on a topic which is grounds to split up. In many many ways we are suited and I really would love to marry him, and he feels the same. We are very much in love.

Don’t be terrified. No relationship is worth giving and agreeing to premarital sex. Not even one with someone you’d spend whole months getting over, not even with the most attractive person ever to wind up in your life. This is something I know something about. No relationship in which you experience terror is worth having anyway. And you can’t be held hostage, you need a willing heart to be in a meaningful relationship.

Actually, it’s not only sex, just don’t do things solely because of the fear of being abandoned by someone you care for. Give that person freedom, if he loves you, he will stay, if he goes away, then well, you weren’t really together it seems. Fear of abandonment or rejection is not a good motivator. I know something about this too.

He is very supportive of the idea of NFP if we did get married, and ironically of abstaining a good few months before our wedding in order to make it special!?

It should be entirely special, not just a short time.

Finally, yeah, it’s much easier with someone who’s on the same page with you. Whole different story altogether.

 

[PennyinCanada]

One thing about dating and being up front that you won’t have sex until you’re good and married, it weeds out all the selfish and self centered guys. The men with virtue and character notice women like that.

If sex gets cut off and he’s not so sure he wants to date you any more, there’s his real opinion, not in words alone but action, whether he does love you or not.

We are going to get married some day anyway. Is that right? Let’s see the ring and a date if that’s the case. Is he serious or just telling you want you want to hear to satisfy his ‘now’. Talk is cheap.

I remember a boyfriend that I was going to marry. I had graduated and was working and he was finishing school, both in our 20’s. I was just waiting for that proposal, because we were going to get married, according to him. When he graduated he wanted a wonderful trip to Hawaii and asked me if I would go with him. All my girlfriends were saying Ya ya! Go with him! He’ll ask you in Hawaii,* how romantic.* And how wrong they were! I sure had someone praying for me because I replied that I would love to go to Hawaii, *with my husband for my honeymoon. *Not a boyfriend. So he went alone. My first hint that he wasn’t thinking marriage/honeymoon. He also asked that if he got a job away from home if I would go with him. Leave my job, leave my family, my friends. OK, I was annoyed. I replied that I would sacrifice these things for my husband, not a boyfriend. He got a job away and left without me. So there was a lot of talk and that’s all it was. What a grace I had for those moments and I’m very grateful today for the decisions I made. Be strong and come back to Christ. There’s never regrets with Him. Our faith gives us rules and boundaries to keep us safe. We get into a lot of trouble when we put our faith to the side and walk without it. God bless and strengthen you, and give you wisdom.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

I just wanted to say to those who have replied so far that you have made me feel so much better. Almost, excited, at the fact that I could actually feel better about myself, and my future marriage (to whomever it may be…). I have not been attending church on my own for years, although when I am visiting my parents (I go to university) I always attend mass happily and feel glad to be back there. The reason I don’t go when I am on my own at university is because I feel that what is the point if I am committing a grave sin? When I am home I don’t see my boyfriend and therefore do not have sex, and thus feel holier and more ‘worthy’ of going to mass. Does that make sense? I do crave it though. I’d also be scared about admitting all of this to a priest in confession. Last time I went to confession I didn’t say anything about sex…I find it embarassing, although in my head I was admitting it? I know this isn’t the same. Anyway thank you SO much for your caring replies. I feel welcome in the Catholic community now more than I have in years, and that is a feat.

Hi Karinna,
I agree with what the others have said: if this man cannot develop a relationship without a sexual aspect, then he is not worthy of you whatsoever. You deserve a man who loves you for yourself, not just your body. Also, I know that sometimes it’s difficult to say something that you think is embarrassing in confession, but just know that you are in actuality, talking to God. He knows everything, so it’s not a shocker for Him. Plus, the feeling of forgiveness is awesome. You also said that “When I am home I don’t see my boyfriend and therefore do not have sex, and thus feel holier and more ‘worthy’ of going to mass.” Well, I just want to tell you that no one is more worthy than another of going to mass; God welcomes all. Since you feel at home at church, you should go; I can tell you that in my experience, no one will judge you. God bless you and I’m praying for you!

 

[JoeofCupertino]

The majority of college aged males even those that are religious are scared and not really ready or interested in committing a whole life to a woman. Some are but most are not. To a college aged male that is not a Catholic and sexually active marriage is a long way away. Most that would say they want marriage say it thinking its a long time in the future and talk of giving up sex for something far in the future is very frustrating and confusing to many guys.

Guys are very black and white. When a woman freely gives sex and all of a sudden pulls the morals line to stop having sex it makes a guy feel a bit inadequate and confused about why shes had a sudden change.

A man that is ready for marriage is one that is ready and willing to give up sex without threatening to leave his girl. It is hard for a man to that is used to regular sex to give it up but to do so and be strong shows his character.

Of course, one would hope to never be in your guys position and to go into marriage a virgin but once you have fallen your virtue is rebuilt by the way you respond to your failings. A successful marriage is built on virtue and a shared struggle towards fighting sin. If you dont think you will have that with this guy then you need to think about whats most important in life and to be around like minded people.