Love donuts more than hubby

[olemammy]

Hmm. Not a big issue around our house. But just heard an interesting take on the issue of staying attractive for ones spouse.
I have always held to the idea that looks don’t matter that much, and if a man truly loves his wife, he shouldn’t care about her weight. If he does care about it, he is just immature.

Tried to reconcile that with the obvious fact that men are more motivated by looks than women and that may just be the way God made them.

Then someone threw this at me. Women, almost universally prefer a man to be taller than they are. This is not absolute, but it does seem to be just about as consistant as men prefering thin women.

This never causes a problem in marriage, becasue 1) women avoid short men in dating, and 2) men don’t get shorter as they age.

But, what if your husband could, by bad nutrition and bad excercise, get shorter. Would that be an issue? Would you feel that his love of the bad habits was greater than his concern for how you felt about him?

Hmm! Give me another donut, and let me think about that one for a while.

 

[deb1]

olemammy:

Hmm. Not a big issue around our house. But just heard an interesting take on the issue of staying attractive for ones spouse.
I have always held to the idea that looks don’t matter that much, and if a man truly loves his wife, he shouldn’t care about her weight. If he does care about it, he is just immature.

Tried to reconcile that with the obvious fact that men are more motivated by looks than women and that may just be the way God made them.

Then someone threw this at me. Women, almost universally prefer a man to be taller than they are. This is not absolute, but it does seem to be just about as consistant as men prefering thin women.

This never causes a problem in marriage, becasue 1) women avoid short men in dating, and 2) men don’t get shorter as they age.

But, what if your husband could, by bad nutrition and bad excercise, get shorter. Would that be an issue? Would you feel that his love of the bad habits was greater than his concern for how you felt about him?

Hmm! Give me another donut, and let me think about that one for a while.

No, I would not stop loving him for being shorter then me. I am only five foot tall, so it would take being cut off at the knees for my six foot tall hubby to be shorter then me. I would love him, if he goes bald or looses his teeth or becomes shorter then me. These are issues beyond his control though.

If he gained weight due to a physical problem, I doubt that I would have a problem. Eveyone gains a some weight as they get older. Our metabolism slows as we age and it becomes difficult to eat the same amount of food that you ate as a young person.

If he gained weight because he refused to eat healthy or do anything other then sit on the recliner, I would still love him but I would find it hard to be physically attracted to him. I might even be resentful.

Let me clarify that by overwieght I am not talking about ten, twenty or even fifty pounds. I mean obesity to the point of having health problems.

MOre then that, if you are endangering your health through bad habits then you are not showing love for yourself or your spouse.I would also add that if a spouse does not care about their hubby or wives excessive weight then they do not care about that person. How can anyone say that they love another, if they aren’t worried about that person engaging in habits that will shorten their lives?

 

[Black_Jaque]

I don’t think women would stop loving their husbands for growing shorter any more than husbands stop loving their wives for growing wider. Sure there’s some husbands that stop loving their wives, but not many.

 

[siamesecat]

deb1:

No, I would not stop loving him for being shorter then me. I am only five foot tall, so it would take being cut off at the knees for my six foot tall hubby to be shorter then me. I would love him, if he goes bald or looses his teeth or becomes shorter then me. These are issues beyond his control though.

If he gained weight due to a physical problem, I doubt that I would have a problem. Eveyone gains a some weight as they get older. Our metabolism slows as we age and it becomes difficult to eat the same amount of food that you ate as a young person.

If he gained weight because he refused to eat healthy or do anything other then sit on the recliner, I would still love him but I would find it hard to be physically attracted to him. I might even be resentful.

Let me clarify that by overwieght I am not talking about ten, twenty or even fifty pounds. I mean obesity to the point of having health problems.

MOre then that, if you are endangering your health through bad habits then you are not showing love for yourself or your spouse.I would also add that if a spouse does not care about their hubby or wives excessive weight then they do not care about that person. How can anyone say that they love another, if they aren’t worried about that person engaging in habits that will shorten their lives?

I feel the same way. Also, I think the height thing is more a society thing, although it could be the biological need to have a big protector. However, you could probably say thinking you have to be thin to be attractive is a society thing because in other cultures this isnt always true.

 

[Aesq]

As a general rule, men tend to be focused on the visual more than women. It is certainly not true with all men, but it is with most. This is an issue of physical attraction. If a man tells you that large weight gain does not alter his view of you regarding physical attractiveness, he is most likely lying. It is not an issue of love however.

If a man tells you he no longer loves you because you have gained weight, then he likely never really loved you in the first place or he is again lying. He may not be physically attracted to you as much, however. But it should not effect that he still loves you.

I think large weight gain, absent a medical reason, shows a great deal of disrespect for oneself and thereby one’s spouse. I believe this is true of both men and women. I am a man and there is nothing I find more annoying than a man who has such a large gut that they look practically pregnant. Not everyone gains a bunch of weight as they get older. I began to gain some weight a few years ago and I then began to exercise and I am now in the best condition of my life, including better condition than I was in when I was active duty Army 20 years ago. There is really no excuse to not stay in shape. I work more than full time and I stay in shape. We are responsible to take care of what God gave us. Including our physical bodies.

 

[JGheen]

In marriage you are suppose to love unconditionally.

Wives may show their love by making themselves attractive to their husbands – remember this will mean different things for different people and each wife knows her husband best. (Some men want round, “comfortable” wives!)

However, regardless of how the woman does or doesn’t show her love, the man still has to love her unconditionally!

 

[deb1]

JGheen:

In marriage you are suppose to love unconditionally.

Wives may show their love by making themselves attractive to their husbands – remember this will mean different things for different people and each wife knows her husband best. (Some men want round, “comfortable” wives!)

However, regardless of how the woman does or doesn’t show her love, the man still has to love her unconditionally!

Yes, you should love your spouse unconditionally, but love does not always mean being physically attracted to. You can love someone who you find less then appealing.

Here is an example. Let’s say that when I married my hubby, he was very clean, always wore deoderant and brushed his teeth. After our marriage, he stopped bathing or brushing his teeth. He develops cavities, halitoses and horrible body odor. Yes, I would still love him but I would find it nearly impossible to make love to him. I would also resent his lack of care for himself. I would seriously wonder if he was suffering from some sort of depression.

I love my husband unconditionally but I can not honestly say that I unconditionally find him attractive. Does that make sense?

My hubby, by the way, smells just fine.

 

[JGheen]

deb1:

Yes, you should love your spouse unconditionally, but love does not always mean being physically attracted to. You can love someone who you find less then appealing.

Here is an example. Let’s say that when I married my hubby, he was very clean, always wore deoderant and brushed his teeth. After our marriage, he stopped bathing or brushing his teeth. He develops cavities, halitoses and horrible body odor. Yes, I would still love him but I would find it nearly impossible to make love to him. I would also resent his lack of care for himself. I would seriously wonder if he was suffering from some sort of depression.

I love my husband unconditionally but I can not honestly say that I unconditionally find him attractive. Does that make sense?

My hubby, by the way, smells just fine.

Love and attraction are two separate issues. I define love as choosing to be what is best for another person. Attraction is a natural, physical impulse.

I was only addressing love because it seems like the important issue. Attraction will come and go. We may even feel attraction for people who are not our spouses. But attraction is not a spiritual matter. Only our actions count.

 

[jbuttrey]

Most Christians who are having problems are Sugar Addicts. They did a study on a camp of angry youth and a reservation with a high murder rate. Both were healed by a no sugar diet. Babies in the mother learn to be sugar addicts from the mother’s diet.

The only thing the protestant leadership is ahead us on is getting their members off sugar.

Self Control and Will Power over sweet cravings (Sugar Addiction)will set the church on fire with evangalizing zeal.
Brother John

 

[Aesq]

deb1:

I love my husband unconditionally but I can not honestly say that I unconditionally find him attractive. Does that make sense?

This make perfect sense!! If you really love someone, you love them even at their least attractive.

 

[Island_Oak]

Aesq:

I think large weight gain, absent a medical reason, shows a great deal of disrespect for oneself and thereby one’s spouse. I believe this is true of both men and women…There is really no excuse to not stay in shape. I work more than full time and I stay in shape. We are responsible to take care of what God gave us. Including our physical bodies.

:clapping: Excellent points. There are medical consequences to significant weight gain–high blood pressure, high cholesterol/heart disease, diabetes, cancer, limited mobility, etc, all of which impair one’s ablity to function physically and may diminish quality of life and life expectancy. It’s not just a matter of vanity, physical attractiveness or looking cute in a bikini. It is unfair and selfish to tolerate a preventable condition like obesity and thereby subject one’s spouse (not to mention extended family) to the burdens of compromised health, premature physical impairment, and premature death.

 

[maryceleste]

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it seems like several of the replies have missed the point of the original post:

olemammy:

But, what if your husband could, by bad nutrition and bad excercise, get shorter. Would that be an issue? Would you feel that his love of the bad habits was greater than his concern for how you felt about him?

In other words, she’s not suggesting she’d love her husband any less, if he “let himself go” and became less attractive. She’s saying that she might feel like he loved her less, because he wasn’t putting a priority on pleasing her.

In the same way, if a woman indulged in junk food and didn’t stay in shape, her husband might feel like she loved him “less than donuts.”

I can see how that could happen, for sure. And I appreciate the “height” analogy… it helps me see the man’s point of view.

Now, where did I leave those brownies???

 

[olemammy]

Thank you, Maryceleste. You got it.

I feel offended when hubby doesn’t tell me how beautiful I look to him. (in spite of my being nearly twice the woman he once married). It makes me feel unloved. Makes me feel like he is not loving me unconditionally. Surely he should love me enough to lie once in a while!

But now with this height analogy thing, I am thinking that maybe it is legitimate for him to be feeling unloved.

Don’t want to carry all this too far. I guess the thing is we are all responsible for loving our spouses unconditionally, and should try to be far less concerned about how and if our spouses are doing that for us , and far more commited to finding ways to love our spouses.

 

[SAHmommy]

maryceleste:

In the same way, if a woman indulged in junk food and didn’t stay in shape, her husband might feel like she loved him “less than donuts.”

That would be a very selfish thing for him to think. Chances are pretty good that if she “indulged” in junk food and didn’t stay in shape, she’s probably depressed and loves herself “less than donuts”. It probably has very little to do with him.

SAHmommy

 

[deb1]

maryceleste:

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it seems like several of the replies have missed the point of the original post:

In other words, she’s not suggesting she’d love her husband any less, if he “let himself go” and became less attractive. She’s saying that she might feel like he loved her less, because he wasn’t putting a priority on pleasing her.

In the same way, if a woman indulged in junk food and didn’t stay in shape, her husband might feel like she loved him “less than donuts.”

I can see how that could happen, for sure. And I appreciate the “height” analogy… it helps me see the man’s point of view.

Now, where did I leave those brownies???

Several of us have said this. I used the analogy of my husband not caring for himself enough to bath. I would love him but not be attracted to him.

I think that the man’s point of view is the same as the woman’s. I wouldn’t want my hubby to be morbidly obese. I would love him but be very unattracted to him. If the problem was beyond their control then I would feel no resentment but if they are siting on the couch and eating donuts all day, I would probably begin to feel angry and helpless.

We women aren’t any more attracted to very obese men then men are attracted to very obese women.

 

[deb1]

olemammy:

Thank you, Maryceleste. You got it.

I feel offended when hubby doesn’t tell me how beautiful I look to him. (in spite of my being nearly twice the woman he once married). It makes me feel unloved. Makes me feel like he is not loving me unconditionally. Surely he should love me enough to lie once in a while!

But now with this height analogy thing, I am thinking that maybe it is legitimate for him to be feeling unloved.

Don’t want to carry all this too far. I guess the thing is we are all responsible for loving our spouses unconditionally, and should try to be far less concerned about how and if our spouses are doing that for us , and far more commited to finding ways to love our spouses.

We women get the issue of attraction confused with love. YOur hubby should love you unconditionally but if you don’t take care of yourself he will not be attracted to you.

Perhaps a less extreme example would be the woman who wears sweats all day and never does her hair or puts on makeup. I know several women like this and they all say that there hubbies should love them no matter what. This is true. THeir hubbies should love them but a person can find the love of their life unattractive or even repulsive.

 

[deb1]

SAHmommy:

That would be a very selfish thing for him to think. Chances are pretty good that if she “indulged” in junk food and didn’t stay in shape, she’s probably depressed and loves herself “less than donuts”. It probably has very little to do with him.

SAHmommy

Again attraction and love are too different things. Your hubby should love you despite your weight gain, but he can’t make himself be physically attracted to you. That is beyond his control.

Men get a bum rap on this one. If a woman has worked hard to stay in shape then she is going to be less then pleased with a hubby that doesn’t take care of himself. WOmen can be unattracted to their spouse also.

You are right. Weight gain is often a viscous cycle. The person feels bad about themselves. They gain weight. They feel worse. They gain more weight. Until finally they are extremly obese. Eating can be addictive.

But the spouse of a obese(Not just plump) person has as much right to be frustrated and hurt by their spouse’s eating habits as an alcoholic’s spouse does with his/her partner’s drinking.

 

[Black_Jaque]

I dunno, if my wife were getting to be waaaay too fat my concern would be for her health, before I’d worry about my feeling attracted to her.

There are moments when perhaps being less attracted to her would be a great relief on my part. Those moments can be as agonizing as having a crush on someone who doesn’t notice you.

 

[Island_Oak]

maryceleste:

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it seems like several of the replies have missed the point of the original post:

…she’s not suggesting she’d love her husband any less, if he “let himself go” and became less attractive. She’s saying that she might feel like he loved her less, because he wasn’t putting a priority on pleasing her…

Gotcha! Whenever I see someone who has let themselves get way out of shape (not just 10-15 lbs…) I generally assume there are problems with their self image and emotional well-being. I don’t think anyone allows themselves to deteriorate out of a lack of love for a spouse. It is a lack of love and respect for the self as much as anything.

olemammy:

I feel offended when hubby doesn’t tell me how beautiful I look to him. (in spite of my being nearly twice the woman he once married). It makes me feel unloved. Makes me feel like he is not loving me unconditionally. Surely he should love me enough to lie once in a while!

I don’t get this. If you are truly twice the size you were when you married the problem is not with your husband. Yes…he should still be kind, respectful and loyal. But would it really surprise you if he no longer finds you physically beautiful/attractive? The most loving thing he could do is not to lie to you, but encourage and help you get back on track to a healthy weight and activity level.

 

[dulcissima]

olemammy:

Thank you, Maryceleste. You got it.

I feel offended when hubby doesn’t tell me how beautiful I look to him. (in spite of my being nearly twice the woman he once married). It makes me feel unloved. Makes me feel like he is not loving me unconditionally. Surely he should love me enough to lie once in a while!

But now with this height analogy thing, I am thinking that maybe it is legitimate for him to be feeling unloved.

Don’t want to carry all this too far. I guess the thing is we are all responsible for loving our spouses unconditionally, and should try to be far less concerned about how and if our spouses are doing that for us , and far more commited to finding ways to love our spouses.

It was an interesting analogy.

I hope you don’t mind me commenting here, but if you are twice the you that you once were, how do YOU feel about it? Are you attractive to yourself?

I don’t know, after 4 kids, I had put on some weight that I hadn’t taken off, and really hadn’t put a lot of effort into my appearance. My husband didn’t seem bothered about it. He still seemed attracted to me like he always had been, but I wasn’t feeling good. I mourned the loss of who I once was. I think a lot of that was a loss of the intellectual, spiritual, happy person I once was, and my appearance was a reflection of that. About a year ago, during lent, God put me back in touch with that person I once was. It has been an amazing year, and I am a new person, inside and out. I am still working on being the “me” that God wants me to be.

I guess what I am trying to say is, that sometimes our outside appearances are a reflection of what is going on inside of us. A spouse would be right to be concerned with what they see from the outside, because it is a clue to what is going on on the inside.