Love languages in marriage

[kptrs]

My husband and I have been married for almost five years. We have had a very good marriage thus far. Our communication skills are above average, I’d say. Fights/disagreements are minimal and quickly resolved. And so far we haven’t had any major, life-altering hardships come our way. I’m happy and I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I’m very thankful for him and our wonderful marriage and family. If nothing ever changed regarding what I’m about to say, I’ll still be happy.

Here’s the dilemma I’m hoping to gain some insights on. While we were dating, we read the 5 Love Languages book and discussed with each other which ones were our “primary” love languages. We discussed that both of us have physical touch as our primary. Ever since we’ve been married, I think both of us have been satisfied with each other’s fulfillment of physical touch.

That said, I have a secondary love language which is receiving gifts. The gifts need not be expensive or impressive. I just respond emotionally to tangible tokens of love. This is something we also discussed prior to marriage. He said he understood. Before we married, and during the first few months of marriage, he did a pretty good job with it. As our second year of marriage began, though, not so much. We often would inquire as to how we were doing with “keeping the love tank full.” I would answer honestly that physical touch was great but we could work on gifts. I even guided him on gift suggestions. Everything was said calmly, not nagging, and using “I” statements. He improved for a bit, then dropped off again. He sometimes acknowledges it and says, “Oh…I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift yet…” But never actually does anything about it. Money is not an issue. We are financially secure. And as I said before, the gifts need not be expensive anyway.

So, while everything else is good, as more and more gift giving occasions come and go, I can’t help feeling the tiniest bit hurt that he does not have a single solitary gift to give to me. Even when he KNOWS it’s important to me and we have talked about it many times before. Our five year anniversary is coming up soon, and, well, I guess I’m trying really hard to brace myself for receiving absolutely nothing and trying not to get hurt by it. But it’s hard… I’d appreciate advice from anyone who has experience with the love language book and who has had similar experiences in their own marriage.

 

[pianistclare]

Maybe if you approached him on the topic of “thoughtfulness”.

It’s thoughtful to be at a bookstore and think “oh, my wife would love this!” and walk toward the register.

It’s thoughtful to be at Home Depot and see a rosebush and thing “oh I could plant this under our bedroom window, I’ll bet my wife would love this” and walk toward the register.

It’s thoughtful to be shopping and remember something you lingered over and think “oh, she must really want that…I’ll come back later and pick it up as a surprise for her” and return to walk toward the register.



Maybe if you suggested that he’s a thoughtful guy, and it would be cool to have more thoughtful surprises, and then provide a few of your own.
He does sounds like a nice guy. God bless.

 

[UbiCaritas]

We’ve also been married almost five years, and count me in the gift-receiving-secondary-love-language camp.

Like yours, my DH is a wonderful guy. However, he grew up in a family where gifts are no big deal–if anything, there’s a strong cultural “only parents give gifts” vibe, which is good on the one hand (yay for no crazy expectations!) but can be difficult for someone like me to fit into.

Like you, I don’t necessarily want expensive gifts. Just about my favorite thing DH has gotten me in those five years was a cheap little figurine of the Eiffel Tower he got in Paris once. It probably cost all of ten bucks, max. It’s the thought. I keep it by my desk so I can see it a dozen times a day.

I’ve found that, unromantic though it sounds, I need to be crystal-clear about what I would like in terms of gifts well in advance. “DH, I would like X item of jewelry* for my birthday” will generally mean that it will appear. And he’s learned some, too. He knows I love flowers**, and every once in a while now, he’ll buy flowers without any prompting.

I’ve also been known to just drop him an email with a couple of suggestions of things I’d like so that he doesn’t feel stressed about picking something. A friend has a running Amazon wish list of books and such for her husband so that he can still pick, but not worry about “does she have this already? Is she still into that author?”

Again, I know it sounds unromantic, but it works well for us. I do something similar for him, as he’s very, very specific about what he wants for birthdays and such–he has extremely obscure book interests that I don’t share, and if I tried to get him something, he’d be polite about it, but the chances are slim that it would be something he’d actually want. Now he gets exactly what he wants, and I’m not racking my brain or tearing our multi-thousand-book library apart to determine if he actually has that one memoir by a Napoleonic sub-lieutenant stationed in Gibraltar on a particular ship whose captain once went to Kazakhstan…you get the picture.

*I’m not talking crazy expensive purchases–think something that’s a bit of an upgrade from the $4-on-clearance earrings I found at Kohl’s.

**I actually prefer the local Kroger’s flowers to any florist’s. Kroger’s are twenty percent of the price of a florist’s, but are in much better condition. $10 for roses that will last two weeks vs $50 for an arrangement that starts dropping petals in two days? Heck yes!

 

[pianistclare]

We’ve also been married almost five years, and count me in the gift-receiving-secondary-love-language camp.

Like yours, my DH is a wonderful guy. However, he grew up in a family where gifts are no big deal–if anything, there’s a strong cultural “only parents give gifts” vibe, which is good on the one hand (yay for no crazy expectations!) but can be difficult for someone like me to fit into.

Like you, I don’t necessarily want expensive gifts. Just about my favorite thing DH has gotten me in those five years was a cheap little figurine of the Eiffel Tower he got in Paris once. It probably cost all of ten bucks, max. It’s the thought. I keep it by my desk so I can see it a dozen times a day.

I’ve found that, unromantic though it sounds, I need to be crystal-clear about what I would like in terms of gifts well in advance. “DH, I would like X item of jewelry* for my birthday” will generally mean that it will appear. And he’s learned some, too. He knows I love flowers**, and every once in a while now, he’ll buy flowers without any prompting.

I’ve also been known to just drop him an email with a couple of suggestions of things I’d like so that he doesn’t feel stressed about picking something. A friend has a running Amazon wish list of books and such for her husband so that he can still pick, but not worry about “does she have this already? Is she still into that author?”

Again, I know it sounds unromantic, but it works well for us. I do something similar for him, as he’s very, very specific about what he wants for birthdays and such–he has extremely obscure book interests that I don’t share, and if I tried to get him something, he’d be polite about it, but the chances are slim that it would be something he’d actually want. Now he gets exactly what he wants, and I’m not racking my brain or tearing our multi-thousand-book library apart to determine if he actually has that one memoir by a Napoleonic sub-lieutenant stationed in Gibraltar on a particular ship whose captain once went to Kazakhstan…you get the picture.

*I’m not talking crazy expensive purchases–think something that’s a bit of an upgrade from the $4-on-clearance earrings I found at Kohl’s.

**I actually prefer the local Kroger’s flowers to any florist’s. Kroger’s are twenty percent of the price of a florist’s, but are in much better condition. $10 for roses that will last two weeks vs $50 for an arrangement that starts dropping petals in two days? Heck yes!

yup. Flowers are is the ONE thing Kroger does well. Highly recommend their roses.

 

[Xantippe]

My husband and I have been married for almost five years. We have had a very good marriage thus far. Our communication skills are above average, I’d say. Fights/disagreements are minimal and quickly resolved. And so far we haven’t had any major, life-altering hardships come our way. I’m happy and I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I’m very thankful for him and our wonderful marriage and family. If nothing ever changed regarding what I’m about to say, I’ll still be happy.

Here’s the dilemma I’m hoping to gain some insights on. While we were dating, we read the 5 Love Languages book and discussed with each other which ones were our “primary” love languages. We discussed that both of us have physical touch as our primary. Ever since we’ve been married, I think both of us have been satisfied with each other’s fulfillment of physical touch.

That said, I have a secondary love language which is receiving gifts. The gifts need not be expensive or impressive. I just respond emotionally to tangible tokens of love. This is something we also discussed prior to marriage. He said he understood. Before we married, and during the first few months of marriage, he did a pretty good job with it. As our second year of marriage began, though, not so much. We often would inquire as to how we were doing with “keeping the love tank full.” I would answer honestly that physical touch was great but we could work on gifts. I even guided him on gift suggestions. Everything was said calmly, not nagging, and using “I” statements. He improved for a bit, then dropped off again. He sometimes acknowledges it and says, “Oh…I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift yet…” But never actually does anything about it. Money is not an issue. We are financially secure. And as I said before, the gifts need not be expensive anyway.

So, while everything else is good, as more and more gift giving occasions come and go, I can’t help feeling the tiniest bit hurt that he does not have a single solitary gift to give to me. Even when he KNOWS it’s important to me and we have talked about it many times before. Our five year anniversary is coming up soon, and, well, I guess I’m trying really hard to brace myself for receiving absolutely nothing and trying not to get hurt by it. But it’s hard… I’d appreciate advice from anyone who has experience with the love language book and who has had similar experiences in their own marriage.

Apologies for not having read the whole thread yet!

1. I really like the 5 Love Languages book. One quibble I have with it, though, is that I don’t really identify with one in particular. They ALL sound good to me, and for me personally, it’s a sort of guide to a “balanced diet.”
2. I encourage you to keep reading marriage books. We read a couple while engaged and newlyweds and then stopped, and I think that was a mistake. I’ve gotten a lot out of John Gottman, The 5 Love Languages and Boundaries in Marriage the last couple years, despite us having recently celebrated our 19th anniversary.
3. I’ve had somewhat similar experiences with gifts, but my husband has been doing well with reminders and ideas. (Like, a balloon or candy would be nice for Valentine’s. Mylar balloons last for weeks.)
4. I also have stepped up with making efforts of my own and pointing them out. For example, “I got some discount Christmas candy for our Valentine’s celebration!” or “I’m making a heart-shaped brownie for Valentine’s!” We go pretty 50/50 on Valentine’s efforts the last few years.
5. Somewhat related, husband and I have finally gotten back to regular dates recently, as our teen is now big enough to babysit for us. We’ve been taking turns planning and executing dates and it’s worked very well. (We’re averaging about once a month, which is AMAZING, as we were going .)
6. Make sure your husband has a chance to go to the grocery store or for other shopping in the lead-up to the big day, especially for things like Mother’s Day or Valentine’s. There will be all kinds of natural reminders (like hundreds of red heart-shaped balloons).
7. For Christmas, we tend to have an idea meeting for each other’s gifts.

 

[kptrs]

Thank you, Pianist and Ubi. I expected to get blasted for being ungrateful or materialistic, so thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses.

I think I need to make peace with the fact that he needs guidance in this area. We once had a system similar to Ubi’s. I would make specific requests and he would follow through. I kind of stopped requesting because, as you say, it’s not exactly “romantic.” But I think I’ll have to just make peace with the fact that this is how it is.

He is definitely a good man. No complaints! Just something to work on.

 

[kptrs]

Apologies for not having read the whole thread yet!

1. I really like the 5 Love Languages book. One quibble I have with it, though, is that I don’t really identify with one in particular. They ALL sound good to me, and for me personally, it’s a sort of guide to a “balanced diet.”
2. I encourage you to keep reading marriage books. We read a couple while engaged and newlyweds and then stopped, and I think that was a mistake. I’ve gotten a lot out of John Gottman, The 5 Love Languages and Boundaries in Marriage the last couple years, despite us having recently celebrated our 19th anniversary.
3. I’ve had somewhat similar experiences with gifts, but my husband has been doing well with reminders and ideas. (Like, a balloon or candy would be nice for Valentine’s. Mylar balloons last for weeks.)
4. I also have stepped up with making efforts of my own and pointing them out. For example, “I got some discount Christmas candy for our Valentine’s celebration!” or “I’m making a heart-shaped brownie for Valentine’s!” We go pretty 50/50 on Valentine’s efforts the last few years.
5. Somewhat related, husband and I have finally gotten back to regular dates recently, as our teen is now big enough to babysit for us. We’ve been taking turns planning and executing dates and it’s worked very well. (We’re averaging about once a month, which is AMAZING, as we were going .)
6. Make sure your husband has a chance to go to the grocery store or for other shopping in the lead-up to the big day, especially for things like Mother’s Day or Valentine’s. There will be all kinds of natural reminders (like hundreds of red heart-shaped balloons).
7. For Christmas, we tend to have an idea meeting for each other’s gifts.

Thank you, Xantippe.

 

[pianistclare]

Thank you, Pianist and Ubi. I expected to get blasted for being ungrateful or materialistic, so thank you for your kind and thoughtful responses.

I think I need to make peace with the fact that he needs guidance in this area. We once had a system similar to Ubi’s. I would make specific requests and he would follow through. I kind of stopped requesting because, as you say, it’s not exactly “romantic.” But I think I’ll have to just make peace with the fact that this is how it is.

He is definitely a good man. No complaints! Just something to work on.

yes, you are right. Most of the men I have spoken to about this very thing say that they mostly have no idea what to buy, and if they do, they are afraid that the one THEY pick is not the one you actually want. Nothing worse than picking out something and the disappointment is obvious on the face of the recipient. Then, the wives are reluctant to return said not-just-right item for fear of hurting the hubs and thwarting any future attempts at gifting.
I say it’s fine to leave strong hints: ads left in the bathroom, circled items in magazines, telling their best friend that your anniversary is coming up and “I’d BET she’d LOVE this…”

Some men need strong hints. It doesn’t mean they don’t give it thought, they just don’t want to pick the wrong thing.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

My husband and I have been married for almost five years. We have had a very good marriage thus far. Our communication skills are above average, I’d say. Fights/disagreements are minimal and quickly resolved. And so far we haven’t had any major, life-altering hardships come our way. I’m happy and I love my husband, and I know he loves me. I’m very thankful for him and our wonderful marriage and family. If nothing ever changed regarding what I’m about to say, I’ll still be happy.

Here’s the dilemma I’m hoping to gain some insights on. While we were dating, we read the 5 Love Languages book and discussed with each other which ones were our “primary” love languages. We discussed that both of us have physical touch as our primary. Ever since we’ve been married, I think both of us have been satisfied with each other’s fulfillment of physical touch.

That said, I have a secondary love language which is receiving gifts. The gifts need not be expensive or impressive. I just respond emotionally to tangible tokens of love. This is something we also discussed prior to marriage. He said he understood. Before we married, and during the first few months of marriage, he did a pretty good job with it. As our second year of marriage began, though, not so much. We often would inquire as to how we were doing with “keeping the love tank full.” I would answer honestly that physical touch was great but we could work on gifts. I even guided him on gift suggestions. Everything was said calmly, not nagging, and using “I” statements. He improved for a bit, then dropped off again. He sometimes acknowledges it and says, “Oh…I’m sorry I didn’t get you a gift yet…” But never actually does anything about it. Money is not an issue. We are financially secure. And as I said before, the gifts need not be expensive anyway.

So, while everything else is good, as more and more gift giving occasions come and go, I can’t help feeling the tiniest bit hurt that he does not have a single solitary gift to give to me. Even when he KNOWS it’s important to me and we have talked about it many times before. Our five year anniversary is coming up soon, and, well, I guess I’m trying really hard to brace myself for receiving absolutely nothing and trying not to get hurt by it. But it’s hard… I’d appreciate advice from anyone who has experience with the love language book and who has had similar experiences in their own marriage.

*disclaimer. I read the book. I HATED it
** disclaimer. My wife does not like gifts that are not on her birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, or Mother’s Day.
She hates flowers.

Now onto the good stuff.
It may not sound like a good idea, but show him your post. You in no way talked bad about him, you made it abundantly clear that your happiness and marriage are in tact and healthy.
If my wife wrote this I would actually appreciate it. Sometimes people need to be nudged.

 

[MaryT777]

I went the “round about way” when I was married. I’d tell my sister a few things I’d like and she’d call up my husband before a Birthday and say, " My sister loves this (reasonably priced) ring here. I can show you it. LOL.

That’s what I received. We both knew it was a “set up” but it worked for us many years.
I’d call his brother for he was a Partner in an accounting firm and he’d tell me the latest white shirt to buy, what type of cotton, brand etc. LOL.

It did work as crazy as it sounds. Jewelry and white shirts.

Good luck with your issue.

God Bless,

Mary.

 

[phil_at_dayboro]

As the years roll by , opinions & priorities change, emotions & expectations change ,
You become closer in ways other than Phyical , enjoy being together ,

 

[heidi_storage]

You know, one thing that worries me about the Love Languages thing is that it can cause resentment on both sides–“Why doesn’t (s)he do this? (S)He knows that this is my preferred way of expressing love!” The book is most useful when it can be used by one spouse to see how the other cares through his preferred love languages.

Other posters have suggested ways to bring up the issue with him, and that sounds fine, but my guess is he will always need to be reminded to get you a gift if you really want him to do so. Given that you have an excellent marriage and are happy together, you might find it more productive to try to adapt to his ways of showing you love, and be happy when he spends quality time/does stuff for you/whatever his secondary love language is.

 

[NFPWife]

Disclaimers - Married 26 years, therapist by training and trade, presenter for Pre-Cana for over 15 years. (And, as the screen name implies practicing, promoting, and teaching NFP.)

First, I’ve been away from these forums forever because they’ve become too political and divisive, IMO. My husband lurks and saw this post. Congrats on being the one and only poster to get me back on!

Second, I really like the Five Love Languages… when properly applied. And, by proper application I mean from a place of service not dominion. What I mean by that is you find your spouse’s love language and set about communicating in that way with your spouse with *no expectation *that he reciprocate. You’ve already said that your primary language, for both of you, is physical touch and you’re both meeting that love language. Then, you talk about how your husband isn’t meeting your needs in your secondary love language I won’t call you out for being materialistic, I am going to call you out for not coming to this marriage from a place of service. I don’t hear what your husband’s secondary love language is or what you’re doing to communicate in his secondary love language.

I’d like to challenge you to committing to 30 days of communicating to your husband in his primary and secondary love languages with zero expectation that he get you a gift. Any gift. Even a dandelion from the yard.

Others have good ideas about how to go about making it easier for your husband to get you small gifts - Amazon wish lists, etc. Receiving gifts is my love language and my husband is highly pragmatic and doesn’t like to buy gifts on the chance that he’ll get the “wrong thing.” I realized early on that could be a set-up for hurt feelings and conflict. Or an opportunity for grace and humor.

One of my strategies is that I’m very explicit - “I’d like a sterling silver scapular. I saw one at the St. Patrick’s gift shop.” (The next time we were there, he bought it.) I’ll look at a store window and say, “There are three things I love in this window, what do you think they are?” And he can land them. Then, he’ll go in and buy one of them. I’m not a stickler, if I guide or suggest something he gets “credit.” I also make a HUGE deal when he gets me something - a coffee, some tea, fresh corn, etc. This can been shaped over time if you’re gracious.

As Xantippe mentioned there are far better resources about building a successful marriage. She mentioned John Gottman. I love John Gottman, his research is sound and compelling and his interventions are practical. (I was just listening to a Gottman seminar today as I was building a training for therapists.)

Finally, pray for the intercession of St. Rita, she’s a wonderful intercessor for wives.

 

[Xantippe]

Others have good ideas about how to go about making it easier for your husband to get you small gifts - Amazon wish lists, etc.

[snip]

As Xantippe mentioned there are far better resources about building a successful marriage. She mentioned John Gottman. I love John Gottman, his research is sound and compelling and his interventions are practical. (I was just listening to a Gottman seminar today as I was building a training for therapists.)

Yeah, I keep a HUGE Amazon list of different things as I come across them, not just for myself, but for all the different members of the household and a nephew or two.

That way, when it’s gift-giving time, I can just peek in and see the ideas I’ve been collecting, rather than panicking just before Christmas or birthdays. It’s also a nice spending-prevention method, because I just save a lot of things in my Amazon cart, rather than actually ordering them.

I personally find that it helps to have several different approaches to draw from. Plus, different authors are good at different things.

 

[ShrodingersCat]

There is something that I have been wondering about the Love Languages.

So I score highly on Gift Giving and Acts of Service. Physical intimacy and affectionate speech are lower. However, the latter two are what my husband excels at and I do appreciate that and I think that if they were never there I would feel neglected and unloved.

I wonder if your love language results are skewed due to the fact that one becomes complacent with what one receives on a daily basis. I’ve never NOT experienced loving physical affection and kind / loving words, so I don’t know what it is like when those are missing. They are my “normal” so they don’t make me feel any different when I receive them. I feel like I would actually “feel loved” if I received a spontaneous gift or came home to a clean bathroom when it was my turn to clean it.

I don’t think the quiz is completely off - I never lost the Christmas gift giving magic of childhood so I reckon that it is a “language” of mine regardless.

Admittedly I haven’t read the book I just took the quiz.

I do have a tendency to agree with people that it is best used to learn your spouse’s love language. But on the other hand I think that it could also result in fixing what the OP is describing; filling the “happiness in marriage” glass by an extra few drops.

 

[ItTakesAllKinds]

Truthfully, I think the love language concept is interesting, but I wouldn’t put much weight to it with regards to my marriage? Why? Several reasons. First of all, people change (if they are “doing” life right). These things don’t stay they same over a lifetime. Priorities change. I could say I am also a “gift” person. But you know what gift is better than any trinket someone could give me? My husband’s wide smile when I come through the door at the end of the day. Or the way he makes sure to pick up my favorite cheese when he does the marketing. Anytime he does any little thing for me, that is THE Gift. In all kindness, I have to tell you I think you should spend your time thinking about ways you can strengthen your marriage that will make a positive impact on your husband. Don’t worry about the next gift that isn’t. It sounds like you have a good thing going… That is the gift right there.

 

[pensmama87]

I think what makes the love languages concept so helpful is that it teaches empathy.

Men are taught (by mainstream society and consumer culture) that women need expensive flowers, chocolates, and fancy jewelry, for every possible occasion. They’re also taught that we’re incredibly emotionally complicated and they’ll never figure us out. That’s intimidating.

I don’t wish to pick on my husband, but empathy is not one of his strengths. The love languages book was helpful for us because it showed him why people like certain things and that someone could really appreciate things that didn’t matter much to him.

Like Xantippe I’m really not particular about any, though acts of service is my strongest and the one I do most for other people. But having practical suggestions for how to do or recognize your spouse doing loving things is really great.

 

[Xantippe]

I think what makes the love languages concept so helpful is that it teaches empathy.

Men are taught (by mainstream society and consumer culture) that women need expensive flowers, chocolates, and fancy jewelry, for every possible occasion. They’re also taught that we’re incredibly emotionally complicated and they’ll never figure us out. That’s intimidating.

I don’t wish to pick on my husband, but empathy is not one of his strengths. The love languages book was helpful for us because it showed him why people like certain things and that someone could really appreciate things that didn’t matter much to him.

Like Xantippe I’m really not particular about any, though acts of service is my strongest and the one I do most for other people. But having practical suggestions for how to do or recognize your spouse doing loving things is really great.

Yeah, one of the virtues of the book is to help you pick up on the fact that your spouse is ALREADY doing some loving things–in their love language.

 

[ItTakesAllKinds]

That is the value of the concept for me. To understand how other people show their love. Not to explain to others how I want them to love me. That is not a good expectation. It will lead to disappointment where there doesn’t need to be any.

 

[chevalier]

I’m a professional linguist, in addition to one other profession involving language and dabbling in two others, and I experience a total mess of general incompatibility of language all the time that I can’t sort out for all the money in the current POTUS’s bank account.

Seriously, though, yes, it’s a little disappointing that your husband won’t get himself to remember. The substantive issue doesn’t really matter, what matters is that he knows the significance symbolic gifts have to you and the knowledge apparently isn’t enough. This is the problem you want to address (by which I don’t mean raise with him).

On the other hand, perhaps being unable to consistently remember, mind and care is his unique challenge and failing. Everybody has those, sometimes in surprising, non-obvious areas and ways nobody else understands. For example I find it impossible to imagine that someone could possibly, ever, motivate me to stop piling empty coffee cups on my desk (the count is 7 as I type this), largely because minding each and every single one of them individual is a waste of energy and the objective benefit is unable to be seen (for which reason I’m acutely aware that anyone asking me to fix this habit is mostly just making a big deal of superficial propriety or trying to remake me after his/her image). Or to wash my dishes immediately after (or during) cooking and eating, which is a chore that kills the joy of my meal, so I put it off till later and always forget. Perhaps your hubby has a similar bunch of idiosyncratic antics.

Still, are you familiar with the strategy of ‘killing them with kindness’? I can’t guarantee results, but I suspect being unbearably sweet about meeting and exceeding your husband’s secondary, tertiary etc. could actually motivate your husband to reciprocate.