Love, marriage and faith

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Hello everyone,
I really dont know where to begin, but I want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read my post…
I am a cradle Catholic, brought up in a conservative household. Im sure I dont have to go into details, as most of you know what that means…
I attend mass every Sunday, and have a good heart. At least I think I do… These days , Im not sure about anything anymore. I havent had communion in awhile, because it just wouldnt be right…
I am married with a child, and I am in love with someone else. In fact, I have always been in love with this person since the first day I met her. And to this day , and after so many years, she still loves me as well.
We parted ways because she wasnt a Catholic. Yes, thats how conservative I was. In fact, she follows no religion of any kind, and is very agnostic, and daresay atheist. In fact I broke up with her three times because she wasnt deemed the right fit by my parents, her parents,everything, but we always managed to find ourselves back together. I should add that she was of a different race as well…
Well, I thought I found the “right fit” a couple of years ago. A Catholic girl who shared the same “values” as I did. We got engaged, had premarital sex, and she got pregnant. We quickly had a small wedding, and our now living together now raising our child. I admit, everything happened too quickly, and thats probably where some of the problem lies, but, Ive learned that I dont love my wife. I know that sounds horrible…but I realize this truth inside of me… I am not happy, even though every time I see my child, my heart is filled with so much love.
I will also admit to having had two affairs in just under a year. Yes, I could have never realized or imagined anything like this when I was single. I though that once you get married, you are happy, have children, and start the next phase of your life.
I am still in contact with my ex girlfriend. She is married as well. Thankfully, she lives on another continent, or else I dont know what would happen. She is in a loveless marriage, and so am I. Or at least a marriage where one partner loves the other, but is not returned in kind…
I was depressed and drank more than I should have. My wife accepted me even then. But only when me and my ex started contacting one another ( a few months ago) did I stop drinking completely, and am such a happier person! And my wife is happy because I am happy! Its so complicated and crazy!
I feel I am slowly losing God’s presence in my life. I know I have sinned. I went to confession many times. The guilt is almost unbearable.
Everything I was told growing up was only partly right, I found out. I should have not listened to my parents about my ex, and I shoudl not have cared if she was Catholic or not. I was so smart and wise back the…with al of my arguments about culture, religion, and how our parents wouldnt be happy, which would in turn make us unhappy… It was just all wrong…
Should I end this marriage?? The church tells me not to…and…I simply cannot abandon my child…I can never do that… And I dont want to end the marriage…But our sex life is pretty poor. I have to think about my ex while having sex with my wife, or someone else…
And the biggest problem is that my wife is such a good person with such a good heart. She had one person in her life before who cheated on her… She doesnt bring it up , but I know if I left her with our child…it would devastate her …
I need some real help everyone… I dont where to turn to…I cannot talk to my family members about this. AND, i should add that my wife knows about my ex, and how I felt for her when we first met. She knows how devastated I was without her. She found out we were writing to each other when she was pregnant, and it really upset her. It upset her so much she thought our unborn child would have problems…
I promised her it was over… but the love in my heart keeps beating…i know I am a selfish human being… Christ is starting to become a figure to me, and not a presence anymore…
thanking you for all your replies…
 
Do your wife a favor. Be honest with her, about your affairs (if you haven’t yet) and your feelings for your ex, and your interactions with her. Let your wife make the call whether she wants to stay or leave. It sounds to me that your marriage may never have been a sacrament (based on your pregnancy wedding and the fact that you were already being unfaithful to your wife at the time by keeping in contact with another woman with whom you were still in love).

It wouldn’t hurt for you to read Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. It may help you to appreciate the Church’s teachings on sexual morality. Also, it is absolutely unacceptable for you to think of other women while you are having sex with your wife. If you can’t make love to her as God intended, then keep it in your pants.

Love is not just a feeling. It is a commitment and a decision to be faithful, despite what your feelings are. Marriage isn’t necessarily supposed to make you happy. The idea of marrying for “love” (the feeling) and happiness are modern day notions.

If you want to try to make things work with your wife, you need to cut all communication with your ex, and with both of your other girlfriends, as well as any other women who may tempt you into sin. Your wife sounds like a lovely woman. She doesn’t deserve to be hurt anymore by you, so you have to man up and be the husband that she deserves. Before either of you bails out on this marriage, seek marriage counseling. And PRAY. Pray together as a couple, and pray alone, asking for God’s guidance. You have a void that you are blaming on your choice of wife, when the void is really a lack of faith in God. No matter how wonderful your wife may be, or how fun your girlfriends are, they will never fill the God-sized hole in your heart.

Also, I’ve never been, but I’ve heard that Retrouvaille retreats can work wonders for marriages on the brink.

retrouvaille.org/
 
I feel your pain in your post.

You’ll never forget your ex, but you must learn to deal with it. Nothing I say here is going to help you get there as long as you have contact with her.

Now turn all you can back to God. You’ve made a lot of bad decisions (like 2 affairs) but He can help you get some semblance of a lfe back. You have child and wife that love and need you. That is what He wants you to do. He will give you what you need to do thatm if you trust Him and turn it over to him.

The reason you feel so distant from him, because you are OUT of His graces.

I suggest:

Go to Confession get ALL of this out, so you can go to Communion. This will allow His graces to flow over your, and it will strengthen you. The more grace you are in, the more you can soak in, like a sponge. Communion, prayer, Mass, good works, all ways you become closer to Him, and opens your soul to His grace.

-remove your ex from your life. Chane your email etc.

-focus your attention on your family. Spend time with them. Keep your time accountalbe to them. In your situation you need not idle time. Keep busy. When you havve idle time you’re subject to think of things that will get you in trouble.

-realize your ex maybe a cross you must bear. If so, you will need His strength to do it. Look at Mother Teresa, her cross was the poor. I’m sure it was heavy, and there were days when she didn’t think she could make it, and that was when He helped her the most.

Keep us posted.
 
GracedUpon said:
Marriage isn’t necessarily supposed to make you happy. The idea of marrying for “love” (the feeling) and happiness are modern day notions.
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This makes me feel kind of sad.

I think marriage is supposed to make you happy. Maybe there are bad days in there, but you shouldn’t go through life miserable. My parents have been married for 35 years, and both of them have often said that their marriage and love is what has given them so much happiness.

I disagree with your last statement as well. Why else does one marry if not for love and happiness? The feeling of love is important in a marriage. I don’t think these are modern day notions at all. I think it is what God wants. He wants us to love and be happy all of our days.

Why would you marry someone if you didn’t love them? 🤷

I think there are times when you have to remember why you loved that person at the time you got married. However, I think most people marry because they love someone. There are exceptions of course.
 
lincolncounty said:
GracedUpon,
Well, how about marrying someone whom youve made pregnant? Isnt that what God intended?? Arent I doing God;s work??
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You already answered this question in your OP – you know that you aren’t doing God’s work, or you wouldn’t be having this problem at all. You may have done the right thing by marrying your wife, but you are no longer doing God’s work. Jesus calls us to put ourselves LAST and serve those around us. You have put yourself first, and your desire to have what you want and not what is right is causing you to suffer. I suggest you start spending time in front of the Blessed Sacrament and ask the Lord to pierce your heart. Meditate on His suffering and learn to let go of your worldly desires. It’s going to hurt a bit – I think you have a lot of growing up to do. I realize that my answer has no sugar-coating and might be perceived as harsh, but you really need a wakeup call. I can tell by your post that you do want to do the right thing, you just need to hone in on what the RIGHT thing is and not what the “Right-for-no-one-else-but-me” thing is.

I’ll be praying for you!
 
Marriage is about commitment. Call your Parish Priest, get to Confession. Ask your Priest if you should reveal the affairs to your wife. Get yourself checked for STDs.

Marriage counseling, Retrouvaille is there for you.

Love is A CHOICE. You have chosen not to love the woman you married, to love illicit sex and glamourize a relationship with an athiest befor the woman you stood before God and entered a sacrament with.

Please, see your priest today, and your doctor tomorrow.
 
The very first step is to end contact with any other women, and end the secrets between you and your wife. Things WILL NOT get better as long as you have this other woman in your life.

I suggest you start by reading “NOT ‘Just Friends,’” by Shirley Glass and perhaps look into the movie Fireproof which just came out.

Start seeing the positives in your wife. Start respecting her and honoring her. Take the energy you’re putting into building a relationship with the other woman, and devote that time and energy instead to getting to know your wife.
 
Thanks for your responses.

Yes, I have been checked for STD’s even though Ive worn protection during my moments of infidelity.

So, if youre in a marriage, and youre not happy, or you dont love the person, then you should not end the marriage? Is that the general consensus here?
So we must suffer for years and years, and cause strife within the family because we are told we must stay married till death do us part? I think my wife deserves a better man than me…shouldnt i set her free??

Most people would have been divorced by now…but I choose to keep on fighting precisely because I do believe in commitment, I do believe in responsibility. My actions have not been indicative of that, but my heart simply does not want to cooperate with me.
 
What have you done to improve the relationship with your wife or improve your feelings towards her? I notice you say your sex life is pretty bad. It kind of hits home, because in my own marriage, my H was out having lunch with other women (and lying to me about it), e-mailing other women, etc. He didn’t come to bed and night, he didn’t come home from work in the morning, and then he complained to them that he didn’t get sex frequently enough. How I was supposed to provide when he was not even physically there, I don’t know. But that experience makes me wonder if you aren’t doing something similar, just sitting back waiting for things to magically change.

Have you TRIED ending contact with this other woman? Stop for a year or two, devote that time to your wife, get to know her, and then, if you divorce her, at least you will have TRIED. But things will absolutely NOT get better with your wife when there are three in the marriage.

Also, you need to seriously consider that your relationship with this other woman is a fantasy. If you were actually married to her, dealing with sick children and bills and a house that needs cleaning, and all the pressures of daily life, your feelings might change very quickly. Your wife is living the real world with you and can never compete with that fantasy life that doesn’t include the dirty details of real life.
 
Well, Lincoln, you’ve done the deed, but not accepted the cost. That is to say, you’ve married the mother of your child, but you still want to be single. You want your “True Love” and your “come on honey” with another woman. Admit it, you’re proud that you stepped up to the plate and married the (unfortunate) girl you get pregnant. you often congratulate yourself on being so upright.

Balderdash. Poppy-cock. Blather.

You seem to have done what you needed to remain in the good graces of your family, friends, or something. It’s all appearances isn’t it? You never married her, you took her as your wife. You probably look down upon her as not really worthy of you too. Somewhere in your darkest heart you even wonder if she got “knocked up” on purpose to trap you. Really, she married over her head and should be happy that she has a man who is as good as you and will take care of her and the child.

Man of the year material.

Oh, except that you’re a serial cheating, lying, oath-breaking, self-aggrandizing guy who likes to believe he is suffering for his sins - and makes sure everyone knows it.

Let me guess, this isn’t why you came here. You’re looking for affirmation and recognition of your sacrifice. you’re looking for us to tell you that you’re a good man who is in a bad situation. You’re looking for a way out that still lets you believe you’re a good person.

Friend, if she were my daughter, and I have three that are probably her age - you’d be on the floor.

This is beyond my traditional “man-up” speech. I cannot express the contempt I have for the person behind the words that you typed.

Right now you need to decide if you will rejoin the human race, or complete the fall to utter animal. You claim that you cannot be faithful for even the first year or so of marriage, lust after a married woman, drink to excess because you can’t have her and sleep with yet other women to fill the void. Where in that description is room for “good person”? You might want to think you are a good person, you might even need to believe that - but, you would be wrong.

What comes next? Blaming your wife and child for this and starting in on abusive behavior. Don’t even give me some sort of speech about how you’d never do that. Your current behavior tells me that almost nothing is beyond your reach.

You want to know what to do? Fine.

First, get right with God. This means more than just confessing. It means rejecting your sin and hating it with a deep loathing. Realize that what you have done is beneath contempt and outside of any sort of excuse.

Next, write an email to you ex and tell her that you can never speak to her again in any way. The, change your email address, phone number, shoot, move if you have to and ensure yourself that she cannot contact you. Then, resolve not to contact her - ever. For any reason. None at all, no not even that one you were going to mention as a possible excuse. If you see her grandmother break her leg and have to go to the hospital, tell someone else to call your ex.

Next, be honest with your wife. About the affairs - both physical and emotional, about your drinking, about all the other things you are not telling us. Ask her if she wants you to stay - then honor her choice. It’s not your choice anymore. It’s all up to her. If she tells you to leave and never contact her or her child again - honor that. If she wants you - for some reason I cannot fathom - then honor that.

Last, get professional help. You are out of control and hurting a lot of people. Really, do it.

Sorry if this is harsh, but the author of that post deserves it.
 
lincolncounty said:
So we must suffer for years and years, and cause strife within the family because we are told we must stay married till death do us part? I think my wife deserves a better man than me…shouldnt i set her free??

Most people would have been divorced by now…but I choose to keep on fighting precisely because I do believe in commitment, I do believe in responsibility. My actions have not been indicative of that, but my heart simply does not want to cooperate with me.
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How noble…not. Doing your wife a favor or doing yourself a favor and using the excuse that it is all for your wife, that she deserves better. Hogwash.

The other part that strikes me funny is your statement about commitment and responsibility. I saw none of that reflected in your original post.

Hello - you have been cheating on your wife both emotionally with the ex and 2 physical times. Neither smack of following through with your marriage commitment or are responsible behaviors for a married man.

Please stop communicating with the ex even if she is a continent away. You can still maintain an emotional bond via email so you need to stop.

Get to church and go to confession.
 
I can always count on you GhostMan to wield a mighty wet noodle!:o

To the OP–
I don’t advocate divorce, but perhaps you married this person under duress, and I would discuss ALL of this face to face, with a priest…to see what he thinks. I’m not sure why you slept with someone you didn’t love:confused: …I mean, you must have had feelings for your wife at some point. But, your vision is clouded by thinking about another…which you will have to truly get her out of your head, if your marriage is to have any shot in the dark of working.

That being said, there is something else brewing here. Do you have low self esteem? Do you only feel happy when having sex with strangers? (thus your affairs) Are you trying to fill a void, through sexual encounters with others? And finally, might responsiblity be what you fear?

I think that you have a lot of work to do…and I’d start first, with seeking a priest’s advice…maybe take a priest you like and admire to lunch, and just talk openly. See what he thinks. I know that affairs are rarely about the marriage, so even if you loved your wife, if you are trying to fill another void, you might still turn to affairs. That is what you need to figure out.

But, please do your best to be a good daddy to your child. Be there for your wife. Work on healing…people who have affairs are hurting inside, themselves. I don’t disagree with the sternness of Ghostman’s post…but, you are not a lost cause. We are all sinners…and we have all strayed from the fold at one point or another. You are lost, my brother in Christ. Try to find your way back.

God bless. (and good luck)
 
If you want us to tell you we think its ok to leave your wife and child for the ex,or whoever, prolly not gonna happen.

How you got here, and the stuff from the past, I’m not gonna judge. You can only control the present.
 
lincolncounty said:
So, if youre in a marriage, and youre not happy, or you dont love the person, then you should not end the marriage? Is that the general consensus here?
So we must suffer for years and years, and cause strife within the family because we are told we must stay married till death do us part? I think my wife deserves a better man than me…shouldnt i set her free??
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My brother, those are not man’s words, those are the words of Christ himself! Please read Matthew 19:3-9. It may not be what you want to hear, but those words are Truth.

Praying for you and your family.
 
lincolncounty said:
Yes, I have been checked for STD’s even though Ive worn protection during my moments of infidelity.
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So, add the sin of contraception on top of all the others when you go to Confession.
lincolncounty said:
So, if youre in a marriage, and youre not happy, or you dont love the person, then you should not end the marriage? Is that the general consensus here?
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If you are in a marriage and you are not “happy” then you GET happy by a shear act of your WILL. Love is an act of the will. Right now you are willing yourself to remain infatuated with the atheist woman. You are willing yourself to have affairs. You are willing yourself not to love and cherish your wife.

Frankly, you are acting like a child, not a man.

It’s all about you. What people are trying to tell you is that it’s NOT all about you. You have chosen every sin you have committed and we are telling you that only you can stop the sin and turn back to your wife.
lincolncounty said:
So we must suffer for years and years, and cause strife within the family because we are told we must stay married till death do us part?
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Wa, wa, wa. You sound like a big cry-baby.

NO, you do not suffer and cause strife. You put your big boy pants on and you act like a man. You make your family and your wife your priority. You get rid of this childish crush on the other woman. You stop blaming everyone else for YOUR bad deeds. You work as hard and as long as you have to in order to make your marriage work.
lincolncounty said:
I think my wife deserves a better man than me…shouldnt i set her free??
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No. You should become that man that she deserves instead of the pathetic individual you described in your OP.
lincolncounty said:
Most people would have been divorced by now…but I choose to keep on fighting precisely because I do believe in commitment, I do believe in responsibility.
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Oh please. You do not.

You are wanting a way out. Your actions are reprehensible and not the actions of a man who believes in commitment or responsibility.
lincolncounty said:
My actions have not been indicative of that, but my heart simply does not want to cooperate with me.
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Cop out.
 
lincolncounty said:
Hello everyone,
I really dont know where to begin, but I want to thank you in advance for taking the time to read my post…
I am a cradle Catholic, brought up in a conservative household. Im sure I dont have to go into details, as most of you know what that means…
I attend mass every Sunday, and have a good heart. At least I think I do… These days , Im not sure about anything anymore. I havent had communion in awhile, because it just wouldnt be right…
I am married with a child, and I am in love with someone else. In fact, I have always been in love with this person since the first day I met her. And to this day , and after so many years, she still loves me as well.
We parted ways because she wasnt a Catholic. Yes, thats how conservative I was. In fact, she follows no religion of any kind, and is very agnostic, and daresay atheist. In fact I broke up with her three times because she wasnt deemed the right fit by my parents, her parents,everything, but we always managed to find ourselves back together. I should add that she was of a different race as well…
Well, I thought I found the “right fit” a couple of years ago. A Catholic girl who shared the same “values” as I did. We got engaged, had premarital sex, and she got pregnant. We quickly had a small wedding, and our now living together now raising our child. I admit, everything happened too quickly, and thats probably where some of the problem lies, but, Ive learned that I dont love my wife. I know that sounds horrible…but I realize this truth inside of me… I am not happy, even though every time I see my child, my heart is filled with so much love.
I will also admit to having had two affairs in just under a year. Yes, I could have never realized or imagined anything like this when I was single. I though that once you get married, you are happy, have children, and start the next phase of your life.
I am still in contact with my ex girlfriend. She is married as well. Thankfully, she lives on another continent, or else I dont know what would happen. She is in a loveless marriage, and so am I. Or at least a marriage where one partner loves the other, but is not returned in kind…
I was depressed and drank more than I should have. My wife accepted me even then. But only when me and my ex started contacting one another ( a few months ago) did I stop drinking completely, and am such a happier person! And my wife is happy because I am happy! Its so complicated and crazy!
I feel I am slowly losing God’s presence in my life. I know I have sinned. I went to confession many times. The guilt is almost unbearable.
Everything I was told growing up was only partly right, I found out. I should have not listened to my parents about my ex, and I shoudl not have cared if she was Catholic or not. I was so smart and wise back the…with al of my arguments about culture, religion, and how our parents wouldnt be happy, which would in turn make us unhappy… It was just all wrong…
Should I end this marriage?? The church tells me not to…and…I simply cannot abandon my child…I can never do that… And I dont want to end the marriage…But our sex life is pretty poor. I have to think about my ex while having sex with my wife, or someone else…
And the biggest problem is that my wife is such a good person with such a good heart. She had one person in her life before who cheated on her… She doesnt bring it up , but I know if I left her with our child…it would devastate her …
I need some real help everyone… I dont where to turn to…I cannot talk to my family members about this. AND, i should add that my wife knows about my ex, and how I felt for her when we first met. She knows how devastated I was without her. She found out we were writing to each other when she was pregnant, and it really upset her. It upset her so much she thought our unborn child would have problems…
I promised her it was over… but the love in my heart keeps beating…i know I am a selfish human being… Christ is starting to become a figure to me, and not a presence anymore…
thanking you for all your replies…
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OP conservative Catholic and
  1. Dumped a girl you loved because she wasn’t catholic.
  2. Married a girl you didn’t love and had premartial sex with…2 big no nos in my book…that’s just asking for trouble.
  3. Had 2 affairs (supposedly due to marrying someone you didn’t love) Sorry don’t buy the excuse.
  4. I won’t go into the rest there’s no point.
I’m not a judgemental person…it’s for GOD to judge us but you need to grow up and stop thinking of yourself. Blaming that fact of not loving your wife and your love for this other woman for your behavior is sad. I would start with going to confession and start taking responsibility for your behavior. You have a child to think of after all and you need to set a good example for that child.
 
lincolncounty said:
So, if youre in a marriage, and youre not happy, or you dont love the person, then you should not end the marriage? Is that the general consensus here?
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The “general consensus” here has your best interests at heart. The “general consensus” here is providing advice and observations that are God-centered, and focused on getting you into heaven for eternity with Your Father. The “general consensus” here believes that the Ten Commandments were not Ten Suggestions, and that Jesus wasn’t kidding when he preached.
So we must suffer for years and years, and cause strife within the family because we are told we must stay married till death do us part? I think my wife deserves a better man than me…shouldnt i set her free??
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Your wife does deserve a better man. But that guy can and should be you. Take the advice the PPs and grow up. Don’t punish her for your childishness. Overcoming your sexual addicitions will not only improve her life and your child’s life, but I dare say yours as well. Set your sights on Christ, “cut off your hand if it causes you to sin,” and start loving unconditionally. BTW, you knew the “till death do us part” thing when you said it. There are no take-backs.
Most people would have been divorced by now…but I choose to keep on fighting precisely because I do believe in commitment, I do believe in responsibility. My actions have not been indicative of that, but my heart simply does not want to cooperate with me.
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You haven’t chosen divorce because you are scared to death of the punishment. You aren’t being noble. Until you start living your vows and acting like a Christian father, you aren’t even “fighting” to save your marriage. But you can be noble and you can fight to save your marriage: Put yourself second and treat your wife like you would treat Our Lady. Go to confession, read and listen to everything Scott Hahn has said about marriage, talk to a priest, pray pray pray pray pray pray, and humble yourself. Admit you have failed and set your sights on God. None of this will be easy, but it will all be worth it.

Praying for you!
 
1ke said:
If you are in a marriage and you are not “happy” then you GET happy by a shear act of your WILL. Love is an act of the will. Right now you are willing yourself to remain infatuated with the atheist woman. You are willing yourself to have affairs. You are willing yourself not to love and cherish your wife.

Frankly, you are acting like a child, not a man.

It’s all about you. What people are trying to tell you is that it’s NOT all about you. You have chosen every sin you have committed and we are telling you that only you can stop the sin and turn back to your wife.

NO, you do not suffer and cause strife. You put your big boy pants on and you act like a man. You make your family and your wife your priority. You get rid of this childish crush on the other woman. You stop blaming everyone else for YOUR bad deeds. You work as hard and as long as you have to in order to make your marriage work.

No. You should become that man that she deserves instead of the pathetic individual you described in your OP.

You are wanting a way out. Your actions are reprehensible and not the actions of a man who believes in commitment or responsibility.
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**100% totally agree. Totally.

To the OP… I hope that for the sake of your child especially, that you can overcome this selfishness and become a great husband and father. As much “love” as you have for your child now, it is nothing compared to the lesson you are teaching. Not sure if your child is a girl or boy, but either way you are an example of how to act or be treated in their own possible future marriage. Would you want a man to treat your daughter the way you are treating your wife? Would you want your son to treat a woman like you treat your wife?

From your own description you have a great wife. She is still with you, and let me tell you, many women wouldn’t be. She sees hope for your future. Now you need to see it too. Get down on your knees and beg God to help you make this right. Listen to everything He tells you to do. Give up who you are and become the man your family deserves. **
 
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