Love outside marriage

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Troubled

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I am married with kids and was raised Catholic. I was in love with a man whom I wanted to marry but had to let it go to obey my family’s decision for an arranged marriage with a guy whom I hardly had any time to date. This was by the way, considered normal in our culture. Within a few months of marriage itself I understood that we were like North Pole and South Pole but I still decided to adjust to that life as divorce is, any day considered shameful in our community. Having kids only worsened the situation and they also feel stressed out because of the constant arguments. We did try lot of counseling services but nothing helped. Should I get out of the marriage, or continue living with my spouse a life that is full of fights and unhappiness? What would be the right thing to do in God’s eyes? Am I committing a mortal sin if I divorced?
While I do not consider myself very religious, I do respect what the Bible says, especially the gospel. That is the reason I am posting my question here.
 
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You carry alot. of heartache.I would say get out, you seemed to have tried everything…Staying would only make your situation worse.I hope there is no domestic abuse.You are very unhappy,fighting back and forth, Do you want this to keep going on for you and especially your children.Do you have family you could go to?I know different cultures a friend of mine from Pakistan and his family,even though they live here wanted him to marry this woman from there, arranged marriage, he said no and left his parents, they will not have anything to do with him…If you cannot go to your family, you need to talk with your priest, tell him what is going on. Tell him you have to get out and lead a normal life. As far as an annulment, you need to take one step at a time. First get into a safe and healthy environment…Please take care of yourself and your children. May God Bless and watch over you.🦋🦋🦋
 
Speak to a priest who is from your culture. He will understand the things we cannot. If you married in the Church, if you are both baptized Catholics, your marriage is presumed to be valid and sacramental.

Sadness is in and of itself not something that cannot be overcome.
 
Speak to a priest, you need spiritual counsel. Do not stay or go based on what anonymous people tell you on an internet forum after reading one paragraph about your life.
 
It sounds like there’s a possibility that you could have a case for annulment. I’d say the first step is to speak to a trusted Priest who can advise you on your options.
 
AdamPeter said:
It sounds like there’s a possibility that you could have a case for annulment. I’d say the first step is to speak to a trusted Priest who can advise you on your options.
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This.
How is the opinion of your husband on this?
May I ask you which cultural background you have? It could make advise more easy.
 
If arranged marriage = invalid marriage, then, the great percentage of marriages across time and geography are invalid. There is a big difference between an arranged marriage in a culture where that is the societal norm and coerced marriage. This is why a priest who is of the same culture is important.
 
Some of them probably were invalid. I’m not equating arranged marriage with coerced marriage. However you have to admit that it’s more likely to be the case. Just because it’s cultural does’nt mean the Church should affirm it. In this case it certainly seems that the OP wasn’t 100% happy with the situation but went through with it anyway.
 
Thank you for the responses.
To clarify some of your questions, my husband too is a Catholic and we are settled in the US. We are parishioners of our community Catholic Church here. I don’t know how the church will look at it as a coercion, but for me, it was more of an emotional blackmailing from my family that made me say yes… and I was just 22 at the time. Also, I always have this sense of lost live in my life… In my mind, I still love the man I wanted to get married to, never stopped loving him. Our relationship never had got to a sexual level and my husband is the only man I have known that way… it had to do with my strong Catholic upbringing I guess.
Regardless, I still feel that it could be adultery according to bible to bear another man in mind and live with another. Divorce is also another such topic.
I tried to talk to a priest from here and he also asked me to talk to a priest from our community church. That should be my next step it looks like.
 
Troubled said:
it was more of an emotional blackmailing from my family that made me say yes… and I was just 22 at the time
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I imagine based on this, that you would have a case for annulment on the grounds of immaturity and the fact that you felt pressured. Marriage can not be contracted between two individuals where one is not totally free to consent. I’m assuming here that you would want to take that approach since you have said you didn’t really want to be married to your husband.

Can I ask what specific cultural background you are coming from?
 
So would I be correct in assuming that the arranged marriage is more a cultural thing rather than something that comes with your Catholic faith?
 
It is a more cultural thing but is very much accepted by Catholic Church there. Here is the wiki link if you are interested to know more about our community.
 
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My husband is adamant that he will ever let me out of this marriage.
 
It may be accepted by the Church. But that doesn’t change the fact that marriage is something that must be consented to by both parties. Otherwise it may be invalid. From the title of your post and from what you’ve said so far it seems to me that you didn’t particularly want to marry but went along with it because you wanted to please your family.

I think if you are really not happy and feel that you were unable to make a free decision to marry, you ought to contact your diocese in the US and speak to someone about this situation.

The problem is if you’re fincially dependent on your husband then you might not be in a postion to do anything like that.
 
what is your mail Id will send you some contacts address who can help you.spiritually counselling.
 
Whether or not you can get an annulment down the road doesn’t matter!

Divorce. Is. Hell.

It hurts like hell. It hurts the couple. It hurts the kids. It hurts the extended family.

Think about this – if you and your husband divorce, your children (if they are not yet adults) will be spending half of their time with their father and away from you. I have missed nearly half of my son’s childhood because he is with his father three days a week since he was just three years old!

What’s worse, is that my poor son is always missing one of his parents. He loses his mom three nights a week, and his dad four nights a week. This goes against the natural law that God has written upon the human heart.

That other man is gone. Stop fantasizing about what might have been with him. Divorcing your husband will not bring that other man back.

And if you’ve already been advised to speak to another priest, then why on earth are you seeking advice from total strangers on the internet?

Divorce is necessary sometimes to protect a spouse and children from abuse or addictions. If that is the case, get yourself and your children to safety immediately.

Otherwise, get off the internet with your personal problems and seek the counsel of a priest or someone else in your real life.
 
Thanks for your honest feedback. I started thinking about divorce only when my kids also started mentioning it to me… they asked, why don’t you both live separate. They are teenagers and they are very much stressed with the constant arguments at home. I don’t thing my real issue is fantasizing about a lost love. It’s just that, lack of love and understanding in our marriage makes me think what if I were married to the one I loved. The priests in our community are very detached most of the times from the mainstream Catholic Church . One simple example … they preach that even a bottle of wine kept at home is keeping devil in your house. Impractical advices do not influence me at all. If I were in India, those advices might have been relevant but I live here now. I work here… raise my kids here… that’s why I hesitate to talk to our priest who just spends most of his adulthood in some remote parish in India and then come here to advice us, having hardly any clue what Life is like here.
By the way, I posted here not for a solution, but for some practical advices I may not have known otherwise. For eg. I didn’t know until now that arranged marriage against will could be considered for annulment …
 
Troubled said:
By the way, I posted here not for a solution, but for some practical advices I may not have known otherwise. For eg. I didn’t know until now that arranged marriage against will could be considered for annulment …
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That’s ok. I hope you can find some solution though. I suppose my concern would be that you might be cutting yourself off from your family if you did get an annulment. It seems like a tough situation. But I hope and pray you will find some solution. Everyone deserves to feel loved surely?
 
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