Love Songs

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Augustine3

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Most love songs I listen to on the radio seem to be about this “feeling” that the other person makes them feel and they are completely swept away by this “feeling”.

I haven’t had this “feeling” about my wife in over a year, we are completely dry. I’m no longer attracted to her either mentally or physically. I wonder how many of these song artists and their admirers would stay with their spouse if they haven’t had that “feeling” in over a year…
 
The songs are for courtship.

This song is about love, too. It’s from the musical, “Fiddler on the Roof”. If you don’t know the story, Tevye and Golde have a traditional arranged Jewish marriage, but their children are choosing their own spouses.

*(Tevye)
“Golde, I have decided to give Perchik permission to become engaged to our daughter, Hodel.”

(Golde)
“What??? He’s poor! He has nothing, absolutely nothing!”

(Tevye)
“He’s a good man, Golde.
I like him. And what’s more important, Hodel likes him. Hodel loves him.
So what can we do?
It’s a new world… A new world. Love. Golde…”

Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I what?

(Tevye)
Do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
With our daughters getting married
And this trouble in the town
You’re upset, you’re worn out
Go inside, go lie down!
Maybe it’s indigestion

(Tevye)
“Golde I’m asking you a question…”

Do you love me?

(Golde)
You’re a fool

(Tevye)
“I know…”

But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love you?
For twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes
Cooked your meals, cleaned your house
Given you children, milked the cow
After twenty-five years, why talk about love right now?

(Tevye)
Golde, The first time I met you
Was on our wedding day
I was scared

(Golde)
I was shy

(Tevye)
I was nervous

(Golde)
So was I

(Tevye)
But my father and my mother
Said we’d learn to love each other
And now I’m asking, Golde
Do you love me?

(Golde)
I’m your wife

(Tevye)
“I know…”
But do you love me?

(Golde)
Do I love him?
For twenty-five years I’ve lived with him
Fought him, starved with him
Twenty-five years my bed is his
If that’s not love, what is?

(Tevye)
Then you love me?

(Golde)
(now beaming at him) I suppose I do!

(Tevye)
(happily beaming back at her) And I suppose I love you too!

(Both)
It doesn’t change a thing
But even so…
After twenty-five years
It’s nice to know!*

Realize that your love for your wife is deeper than the feelings you feel on a given day. Your love is about the gift of your life as it is each day, making a single life with her, feelings or no feelings, and even hard feelings and hurt feelings and hollow feelings.

So go tell your wife…“I love you!” and be glad that you have the kind of love that can last for a lifetime.
 
Focus more on God and maybe the feeling will come back. I’ve heard that marriages are better when both of the spouses are more focused on pleasing God than pleasing each other.
 
ChibiViolet said:
Focus more on God and maybe the feeling will come back. I’ve heard that marriages are better when both of the spouses are more focused on pleasing God than pleasing each other.
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^Yes, this! (plus a bit more…)

Jesus is in the resurrection business. If He started it, He can make it come back too.
 
AnneElizabeth said:
^Yes, this! (plus a bit more…)

Jesus is in the resurrection business. If He started it, He can make it come back too.
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I think that most of the time, you aren’t going to go back to feeling the way you did when you were engaged. As you put it, it is a resurrection—not the same life you had, but re-birth to a new life. So when we say the feeling can come back, we don’t mean the old feeling. We mean an emotional experience of the relationship you have now…a feeling that might be far deeper, but won’t be the same feeling. If you get too wound up in getting the old feeling back, you can make yourself impregnable to the new feeling that romantic love takes on in a more mature relationship.

That would be too bad, because the feeling of romantic love between an “old married couple” has a quality that is as much beyond the ecstatic giddiness of an engaged couple as an old wine is beyond a new wine. There is nothing like it, but you do have to get over looking for the giddiness again. You’d have to get a pretty good rap to the head to get that back! 😃
 
EasterJoy said:
I think that most of the time, you aren’t going to go back to feeling the way you did when you were engaged. As you put it, it is a resurrection—not the same life you had, but re-birth to a new life. So when we say the feeling can come back, we don’t mean the old feeling. We mean an emotional experience of the relationship you have now…a feeling that might be far deeper, but won’t be the same feeling. If you get too wound up in getting the old feeling back, you can make yourself impregnable to the new feeling that romantic love takes on in a more mature relationship.

That would be too bad, because the feeling of romantic love between an “old married couple” has a quality that is as much beyond the ecstatic giddiness of an engaged couple as an old wine is beyond a new wine. There is nothing like it, but you do have to get over looking for the giddiness again. You’d have to get a pretty good rap to the head to get that back! 😃
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Its true what you say and thanks for sharing. Any sort of new life in a relationship is better than having no feeling. I have heard of some couples having their love renewed. Of course I don’t know exactly how or what they are talking about, but there is hope is all I’m trying to say! Who knows, it could be better… as you seem to suggest here.
 
AnneElizabeth said:
Its true what you say and thanks for sharing. Any sort of new life in a relationship is better than having no feeling. I have heard of some couples having their love renewed. Of course I don’t know exactly how or what they are talking about, but there is hope is all I’m trying to say! Who knows, it could be better… as you seem to suggest here.
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Oh yes, it’s better. Kind of like the difference between starting the school year with your classmates and teachers and finishing it, though. The “thrill” is less, but the affection and sense of shared accomplishment is greater. If you stop and enjoy that, too, there is that thrill of what’s coming next, but it is never the same thrill as that first day of school. (Which is probably fortunate!! :D)

I think the OP may be about three weeks into the term. Hang in there, it gets better!! 👍
 
After 13 years of being together and almost 8 years of marriage with two kids, PPD and other complications in there, I am once more very much in love with my husband.

This time, this overwhelming love for him makes me cry.

This time, I know just how wonderful he is. He’s proved himself over and over again as a trustworthy, honest, stable, decent human being.

This time, I watch him playing with our children and this has me head over heels.

It really is like good old wine vs. giddy new wine.
 
We are approaching 16 years of marriage, and we have half a dozen children.

I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with my husband. He is the best, most glorious gift God has given me.

Love can get stronger and better with time, but it requires an act of the will. I love my husband because I swore on our wedding day to do so. I shall love him always. This act of the will is what enables the rebirth of the feelings of love.

And long love is far better than the early stages!
 
We’ve been trained to respond to feelings rather than to respond to reality with feelings as hints (one of many) in figuring things out or especially noticing them. Which means we’ve got it backwards. (To make it worse, we don’t really know what we "should be feeling, and we sometimes freak out or hang up as a result.)

Also, it’s a neglected fact that our feelings are influenced by how we act, the latter being our choice, which means feelings are indirectly capable of being driven by our will.
 
Litcrit said:
After 13 years of being together and almost 8 years of marriage with two kids, PPD and other complications in there, I am once more very much in love with my husband.

This time, this overwhelming love for him makes me cry.

This time, I know just how wonderful he is. He’s proved himself over and over again as a trustworthy, honest, stable, decent human being.

This time, I watch him playing with our children and this has me head over heels.

It really is like good old wine vs. giddy new wine.
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Old wine is better. 😉
 
Feelings are like the whether, they change constantly. Just ride it out and don’t over think it. Pray for the feelings of love like a farmer prays for rain and just wait on God.
 
We’ve been married 22 years. We knew each other 5 years before that. There have been all kinds of feelings through the years, not all of them good. I’ve felt anger, boredom, apathy, disgust, affection, passion, sadness, contentment, gratitude … you name it. The committment is what’s made the difference. You stay together through thick and thin. The feelings come and they usally go. You aren’t supposed to give too much attention to the negative feelings and you’re supposed to enjoy the positive ones.

Also, don’t listen to love songs or watch films glorifying the early days of romance. If you’re like most of us, you had the infatuation stage … be grateful for that … maybe this “death” fo your feelings for your wife is a new opportunity to experience a new birth of love with more depth not based on what she looks like or how winning her personality seems to you.

Additionally, have there been any changes in your lives over this last year? Any major traumas or difficulties? Is there anything that’s been said between the two of you that’s changed your perception of your wife?

Any of these things might explain your lack of positive feelings.
 
Augustine3 said:
Most love songs I listen to on the radio seem to be about this “feeling” that the other person makes them feel and they are completely swept away by this “feeling”.

I haven’t had this “feeling” about my wife in over a year, we are completely dry. I’m no longer attracted to her either mentally or physically. I wonder how many of these song artists and their admirers would stay with their spouse if they haven’t had that “feeling” in over a year…
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Agustine, please don’t get your information on love from romantic songs on the radio.

Love is NOT a feeling. To love is an act of your will. When you made your wedding vows you did not promise that you would always feel the same way about your wife because you CANNOT make such a promise. Feelings are involuntary.

You promised instead to work always to bring about what was the good for her (even if you didn’t feel like it sometimes) and you promised to honor her, that is, you promised to always treat her with the respect that was due a wife (again, even if you didn’t always feel like it). She promised to do the same for you.

By that definition there is no such thing as “falling” in love or “falling out” of love either. It’s not to say that positive feelings towards your spouse are bad or even unnecessary. Good feelings are rather the fruit of love.

So, you’re going through a dry spell now. Just keep doing what it is within your power to do. Love and honor her as you promised. God will supply good feelings, even better than the ones you had as a newly wed. Previous posters have given eloquent testimony to that.
 
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