Love too much?

[rayne89]

I know this is going to sound odd but I think about it sometimes and I’ve taken it to prayer. I’m sometimes wonder if the love I have for my husband borders on being idolatrous.

Our marriage is solid now but it hasn’t always been that way. We’ve survived alcoholism, drug abuse, pornography addiction, infidelity, major depression, an exgirlfriend showing up 7 years into our marriage with a paternity suit -which turned out to be false. And those are just the biggies. SO we’ve had our share of problems.

By the grace of God we are now both devout practicing Catholics with a loving solid marriage. And God willing the worst is behind us. (We’ve been married almost 14 years.) So what’s my point. I adore my husband. We communicate very well, we laugh alot, intimacy is very good ect. Sometimes I wonder (I hate to say this eek!) if my feelings are deeper for my husband than they are for God. (Sorry God -no bolts of lightening please).

I recently went away for a weekend with friends and while they were relishing their time away I couldn’t wait to get home to my husband. My husband recently had to switch to aftenoon shift and I have a hard time getting to sleep without him. Once I went to Mayo Clinic (for my heart) w/ my parents so that my hubby wouldn’t have to take time off and I became so emotionally agitated by the end of my 8 days away I was almost in tears. The idea of being seperated by death sends me into a near panic attack.

I’m a strong minded independant person. It’s not a self-esteem thing. Is this ok? Is it normal? Am I focusing too much on my husband and not enough on God? I go to Mass, I go to adoration almost every week, I read the bible, I pray. Should I get spiritual direction from a priest on this or am I just be scrupulous? Thanks guys!

 

[The_Hidden_Life]

rayne89:

Am I focusing too much on my husband and not enough on God? I go to Mass, I go to adoration almost every week, I read the bible, I pray. Should I get spiritual direction from a priest on this or am I just be scrupulous? Thanks guys!

Rayne, you are to be commended for even considering the idea. Now, does your husband do these pious activities with you (going to mass, adoration, reading the bible, praying)?

 

[JimG]

rayne89:

Sometimes I wonder (I hate to say this eek!) if my feelings are deeper for my husband than they are for God. (Sorry God -no bolts of lightening please).

Your feelings for your husband may very well be deeper than your feelings for God. And that’s OK. Feelings are important in a marriage, but not so important in your spiritual life.

I used to kind of apologize to God, because I knew that we are to love God above all things, yet it seemed to me that I loved my wife above everything. But, (as I explained it to God!), I knew that she loved God above all things, and I loved her, so it must be OK.

 

[rayne89]

The Hidden Life:

Rayne, you are to be commended for even considering the idea. Now, does your husband do these pious activities with you (going to mass, adoration, reading the bible, praying)?

Everything except adoration. Not that he has anything against it, I usually go while my daughter’s at ccd class and he’s at work during that time.

 

[The_Hidden_Life]

rayne89:

Everything except adoration. Not that he has anything against it, I usually go while my daughter’s at ccd class and he’s at work during that time.

Well, that’s good. It sounds like you two are “equally yoked” when it comes to religious devotion. I don’t have great insight into this, but I would say, remember that devotion to your husband, your submission to him, is exactly what God wants of you.

To love your husband is to love the nearest image of Christ in your life. If your marriage relationship is mirroring the love of Christ, and you are practicing your faith as you say, I don’t think you need to worry that you don’t love God “enough.” Truthfully, we have to face facts that none of us can ever love God as well as we should.

Perhaps you are simply being called to be on the look out for another opportunity to become more intimate with God, spending more time in prayer. But you shouldn’t worry that the feelings aren’t the same. You can always pray and ask for God to help you have more feelings of love for Him, but sometimes we must persevere despite our lack of feeling it.

I think it is wonderful that you are so devoted to each other. I am assuming that he feels the same as you, of course. Does he miss you as terribly as you miss him when you are away? It is nice to see such devotion actually. You two are “one flesh,” of course it is OK to feel upset when you are apart. As for fearing the separation that comes at death, that is a hard thing to contemplate, but maybe focussing on the fact that it is only a temporary separation can help. Don’t worry so much about the far-off future though (assuming it is far off!) you never know how you will grow and change and become able to cope once that day actually occurs. Have faith that God will comfort you and care for your spouse.

 

[rayne89]

Thank you for such kind words. He does miss me but being a guy he’s not quite as verbal or emotional about it. He cleaned the whole house for me (housekeeping is not one of my stronger points) while I was at Mayo clinic, thats kind of his way- showing instead of saying.

As far as death being far off, well there is a reason why it comes to mind. Even though I’m only 32 I’m borderline heart failure (caused by a congential heart defect) and according to my doctors I will most likely need a transplant in the next few years. Heart transplants have a 50/50 chance of survival. So it’s alot more real to me than most my age. I believe this looming over us has given us a better marriage because you really start know what’s important and what’s not.

I have had “spiritual dryness” over the last few years that I’m slowly coming out of (with brief consolation spinkled in between). I remember feeling much closer to God, and this was during a time when my marriage was in major crisis. I’ve been thinking about now that my marriage is strong and fulfilling I’m not leaning God as much as I used to.

There was a time when my marriage was a living nightmare and an immense source of pain in my life. I think sometimes- ok, well maybe this joy, and intense love I feel is a blessing from God for not giving up on my marriage. You have no idea how grateful I am for the miracle God gave to us, there just aren’t enough words to express my gratitude. And I thank God everyday.

I read about some of the pain people are having in their marriages on the forum and I know that pain because I have been there. Only by the grace of God to we make it through the storm, why were we given this gift while others much more deserving than us continue to suffer so much I don’t know. I don’t take it for granted, and I pray for those in difficult marriages.

The thing about my husband being the closest thing to Christ’s image, I’ve thought of that. So I think ok maybe I’m supposed to feel this way, and then I get like what Jim said the “love God above all things” and I start to feel guilty. But your words have eased my mind alot. Thank you so much and God Bless you!

 

[Prometheum_x]

You can never love too much. It is possible to do many things that we often attach to love, but love itself cannot be overdone.

As for whether your feelings are deeper for God or for your husband: Remember that the “quantity” or “quality” of love isn’t determined by the depth of emotional feeling. Sometimes it’s perfectly alright to have less feeling for God.

Idolatry only comes into play when we put something else on some equal footing with God, or place that thing (or person) in a higher position than God.

In my opinion, so long as you keep your love for your husband within the context of your love for God, allowing your love for your husband to be nurtured and developed through your love for God, and you do not choose your husband instead of God in a situation that would exact such a choice, then you are not in any danger of idolatry. In fact, one of the primary ways you are to follow and obey God - to love him - is to love your husband.

Give thanks to God for the love that is between you and your husband. Allow it to inspire you, to increase your love for God.

And always keep your eyes fixed on Jesus – he is the author and perfecter of your faith, and he loves you with a love that death cannot overcome: “Many waters cannot quench love. . . for love is strong as death.” (Song of Solomon, last chapter I believe)

 

[katybird]

I’m glad you brought this up!

My son is the only person I’ve ever truly loved. Oh, I love my parents, but I don’t think I really loved them in that deep way where I would do anything for them. I’ve never felt that for anybody but my son.

I sometimes worry that I’m wrong for loving him that much, because I don’t “feel” much love for God. God doesn’t seem quite as real, for one thing.

And, I worry that God is going to take him from me. I really don’t know if I could keep my faith or go on if that happened.

 

[rayne89]

katybird:

I’m glad you brought this up!

My son is the only person I’ve ever truly loved. Oh, I love my parents, but I don’t think I really loved them in that deep way where I would do anything for them. I’ve never felt that for anybody but my son.

QUOTE]

katybird you’are brand new mommy and your feelings are very natural.

I know your a single mom (it’s got to be so hard ) but when my daughter was born I practically ignored my husband (our marriage wasn’t what is today and that only added to the damage). The love God gives you for a child is a special kind of love. All those things that were important to you before seem so shallow compared to this.

I guess I always thought that was a natural part of a being a mom. It’s funny thinking about it now that it seems more acceptable to have such a deep love for your children. We have a 9 year old daughter that God has blessed us with -my beautiful healthy miracle child that I was able to carry depite all my health problems.

When your son gets a little old he will love you with the same unconditional love that you have for him. My daughter tells me all the time that I’m “the best mom in world.” There are many days I certainly don’t feel that way,and I’d bet money that I’m not. I can be sick in bed, my hair looking like a mop and my daughter will say “mommy your beautiful.”

You have to remember that when you feel the urge to beat them for having a screaming tantrum in the middle of Walmart. You can’t imagine your adorable baby ever making you feel that way, but the day will come. But we love them so we don’t -even though we feel like it.

 

[st_felicity]

God wants us to love like He loves. But remember that all the beauty and love we experience here on earth is but a foretaste of Heaven. Marriage is a sacrament because it is a sign of God’s divine love–it points to a Truth in the Divine Mystery that our finite minds cannot fully grasp. We marry to experience union–our union reflects the Trinity–but we must always look toward the true union we will experience with God in Heaven where there is no marriage, but rather perfect union among all. You CAN over emphasize the SIGN, but you cannot love too much. “At present we see indistinctly,as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.” 1 Cor. 13:12 (the whole chapter applies!)

Peace!

 

[Princess_Abby]

st_felicity:

God wants us to love like He loves. But remember that all the beauty and love we experience here on earth is but a foretaste of Heaven. Marriage is a sacrament because it is a sign of God’s divine love–it points to a Truth in the Divine Mystery that our finite minds cannot fully grasp. We marry to experience union–our union reflects the Trinity–but we must always look toward the true union we will experience with God in Heaven where there is no marriage, but rather perfect union among all. You CAN over emphasize the SIGN, but you cannot love too much. “At present we see indistinctly,as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.” 1 Cor. 13:12 (the whole chapter applies!)
Peace!

This is really a wonderful way of putting it in Catholic terms. We are called to insure our spouse gets to heaven, and to love them as perfectly as we can, recognizing that our husband is the priest of our domestic Church–wives are the altar. Your husband is your living example of Jesus–of COURSE you are called to love him beyond reason!!!

Perhaps you can take this intense love for your husband and turn it into a prayer, whenever those feelings of love and appreciation for your husband threaten to overwhelm: “Jesus, I offer the love I have for my husband and through the hands of your mother, I give it to You as well.”

I’m sure neither of us can imagine what joy this will bring our Heavenly Father and our dearest friend, Jesus.

I, too, have struggled with worrying I loved my husband “too” much. I even had a non-denominational friend of mine “confront” me about idolizing him. It was very hurtful to hear that, but it caused me to take a closer look and find ways to make sure I was praising God for the gift of my spouse and allowing my spouse to draw me closer to Him.

I even had nightmares before the wedding that this beautiful soul would be taken from me, and I still have anxiety (at times) about being separated from my very best friend (here on earth) through death, misfortune, whatever. We’ve only been married a year and a half (we’re 24), but I’ve spent only two nights away from him and both nights I was extremely unsettled. But, I just offer those fears up to the Lord and ask Him to carry the burden of worry for me. I know that God’s time is not my own and I have to trust and enjoy this precious love for the time it is given to me. That is true for any and all relationships in my life–loss is not something I handle well.

My husband also wears a St. Benedict medal, and this actually comforts me a great deal. (One of the promises of his medal is that no one who wears it will suffer in death.) He also prays the rosary daily, and I feel that he is under the protection of Our Lady, who saves those devoted to her rosary from grave misfortune.

I just pray for a willingness to do God’s will and beg Him to not separate me early from the man who brings me closer to Him!!!

 

[khkhk]

Wow! This is very interesting! Just a word of comfort (I think) to all who are married and love their hubbies (or wives) to death… which I love hearing…guys need to be taken care of…that once you die and go to Heaven, you are again together with your hubby so, you’ll never really lose him!!! You’ll just be in a very happy place! With no problems, and with God…God had it planned for you to be together, so why would he seperate you for good?

 

[st_felicity]

khkhk:

once you die and go to Heaven, you are again together with your hubby so, you’ll never really lose him!!! You’ll just be in a very happy place! With no problems, and with God…

I think there may be some misunderstanding in your theology here…Yes, if you both go to Heaven, technically you will be “together with your hubby” but do understand that Jesus’ own lips said, “You are misled because you do not know the scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in heaven.” (Matt. 22:29-30). Heaven is to be united with God. There cannot be a “unique relationship” like marriage or mother/fatherhood among those souls united to God because God himself fulfills all our need. We will ALL be one united body–Totally beyond our ability to fully comprehend because God is so far above us that our “understanding” can only approach the true reality. We will penetrate the truth when we join Him in Heaven–so much better/sweeter/fulfilling than the indistinct image here on earth that is human love. To believe the human relationship will continue in heaven is to deny that God is sufficient. It’s okay to be attached to one another while we are of this world, but we should be aware that it is only a sign of what will be and keep it in perspective.

Peace!

 

[StephanieC]

st_felicity:

Bt remember that all the beauty and love we experience here on earth is but a foretaste of Heaven. Marriage is a sacrament because it is a sign of God’s divine love–it points to a Truth in the Divine Mystery that our finite minds cannot fully grasp. We marry to experience union–our union reflects the Trinity–but we must always look toward the true union we will experience with God in Heaven where there is no marriage, but rather perfect union among all.

I wholeheartedly agree with St. Felicity’s post above, and with Princess Abby:

Princess_Abby:

We are called to insure our spouse gets to heaven, and to love them as perfectly as we can, recognizing that our husband is the priest of our domestic Church–wives are the altar.

Rayne89, maybe a good question to ask yourself (to help yourself answer your original question) might be, “How am I helping my husband attain Heaven?”

I was not raised with an ongoing awareness of Heaven; now that I’ve experienced a year and a half of marriage (a mere drop in the bucket compared to many on this forum!) it sometimes “causes me to tremble” to imagine that this beautiful partnership will someday pale in comparison to the eternity with Christ we are striving for.

 

[st_felicity]

StephanieC:

it sometimes “causes me to tremble” to imagine that this beautiful partnership will someday pale in comparison to the eternity with Christ we are striving for.

Totally boggles the mind! In fact, I’m getting a headache right now!!!:whacky:

 

[khkhk]

st_felicity:

I think there may be some misunderstanding in your theology here…Yes, if you both go to Heaven, technically you will be “together with your hubby” but do understand that Jesus’ own lips said, “You are misled because you do not know the scriptures or the power of God. At the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage but are like the angels in heaven.” (Matt. 22:29-30). Heaven is to be united with God. There cannot be a “unique relationship” like marriage or mother/fatherhood among those souls united to God because God himself fulfills all our need. We will ALL be one united body–Totally beyond our ability to fully comprehend because God is so far above us that our “understanding” can only approach the true reality. We will penetrate the truth when we join Him in Heaven–so much better/sweeter/fulfilling than the indistinct image here on earth that is human love. To believe the human relationship will continue in heaven is to deny that God is sufficient. It’s okay to be attached to one another while we are of this world, but we should be aware that it is only a sign of what will be and keep it in perspective.

Peace!

Well, to a certain degree. What about “The place I have prepared for you” in Matthew some where?..We are supposed to get mansions in Heaven (That’s in many authentic books), and the better we are on Earth, the more rewarded we are in Heaven. So, if you and your hubby are “one flesh”, wouldn’t you probably share a mansion?

 

[st_felicity]

khkhk:

Well, to a certain degree. What about “The place I have prepared for you” in Matthew some where?..We are supposed to get mansions in Heaven (That’s in many authentic books), and the better we are on Earth, the more rewarded we are in Heaven. So, if you and your hubby are “one flesh”, wouldn’t you probably share a mansion?

Are you refering to John 14:2 “In my Father’s house there are many dwelling places…”? Yes, Jesus says this to his disciples when he tells them he is going away to prepare a place for them. They don’t understand and Jesus goes on to clarify that he and the father are one. In 14:20 he says, “On that day you will realize that I am in the Father and you are in me and I in you.” So you and I ARE talking about the same thing, only I’m saying more than simply being united with God and our earthly relations, we are united with God and all the souls in Heaven. It’s a metaphor so our feeble minds can begin to make sense of God’s infinite power, mercy, and justice.

As for being rewarded according to how we behave here on earth…Heaven is a place of complete justice. Those that led extra-sinful lives but die in a state of grace are just as satisfied by the presence of God as the likes of Blessed Mother Theresa. Because God is just and we will be in Him and He in us, we will see the justice of our position and be completely satisfied. Again, this is a HUGE mystery. How it all ACTUALLY works, we’ll just have to persevere to the end of our lives and trust in God’s ultimate and infinite mercy.

Peace!

 

[Kerry_in_WA]

I would relish the feelings you have now as a gift. You have stayed together in spite of tremendous odds. God has blessed you with a great love for perservering. How much greater must His love be!! Meditate on that and be thankful!!

 

[sparkle]

rayne89:

I know this is going to sound odd but I think about it sometimes and I’ve taken it to prayer. I’m sometimes wonder if the love I have for my husband borders on being idolatrous.
And God willing the worst is behind us.

No. Rayne–you are not weird at all. This is totally normal. I adore my husband too, and I’ve often thought this way in the past too much! BUT–when disappointments set in, he kind of fell off his pedastal alot if you know what I mean–I think you do. (We’ve had our share of problems --believe me). Now I think I choose to love him because we have a good marriage and a family, despite all the bad times and trials, and you just stick it out no matter what. This brings such a much deeper love, don’t you think? I do.

I also think though, for me, when someone disappoints me, I get a little tougher and more dependent upon God, because I know people will always disappoint us, only God will not. Only God will never leave or forsake us. You can surely imagine how couples feel when they’ve been married 60 years and the spouse dies. How terrible. They can’t curl up and die. God has really come to be my only source of real contentment. No human person or situation. But that’s just me. I think it’s great you adore your hubby so much!!! Especially what you’ve come thru too!!!

God Bless~~

 

[rayne89]

Thank you Sparkle

*Now I think I choose to love him because we have a good marriage and a family, despite all the bad times and trials, and you just stick it out no matter what. This brings such a much deeper love, don’t you think? I do. *Amen!

I also think though, for me, when someone disappoints me, I get a little tougher and more dependent upon God, because I know people will always disappoint us, only God will not. Only God will never leave or forsake us. Amen!

I couldn’t agree with you more!