Love your neighbor as yourself

[MS_SURVEYOR]

You know, I’m really struggling with this. And it bothers me. I’ve talked to my priest about. He said to ask Jesus for the answer. I have! I’ve a neighbor lady who has moved in to her fathers home after he died last month. Her father and I were very good neighbors and casual friends. We would wave and speak of good things. We would help each other as needed. I prayed at his death bed just hours before he died. I truly love him and miss him. I’ve known of his daughter for just about as long as I’ve known him. She has problems with life. Seems there’s always drama about her. Well she’s moved in to his home and wants to be my buddy. She’s will just ware a person out with it.

*Can I have $10 till Friday?

Can you feed my cat?

Do you have gas in a can for my van?

They’re going to turn my electricity off?

How do you like your mower? Have you seen our grass?

Can you watch my children?*

Oh! It goes on and on. Her father, my missed friend said, “if you do something for her once, you’ll have to do it for the rest of her or yours life! That’s just the way she is.”

I get text on my phone. I get phone calls. She stops as I getting my mail, as she did today. The thing is I love her and her children, but I don’t want to be a part of their life!

How wrong am I? I’m going to confession tomorrow. I’ll talk to my confessor more point blank about this. It’s really working on me.

God Bless You!

 

[passus]

You’re being taken advantage of. This isn’t really an issue for your confessor. You’ve shown this woman that whenever she needs something, she can go to you and get it, and I think the only way you can end all this is to begin denying her. Next time she asks for gas in a can, say “no.” $10? “Sorry. I don’t have any cash.”

Look at it this way. This lady isn’t learning anything about life by getting along dependent on you. To continue taking care of her would only be doing her a disservice.

Another thing is that while you may have been dear friends with her father and even loved him, the duty of your loyalty in friendship to him does not continue beyond his death and you are certainly by no means at all obligated to tend to his daughter this way.

 

[MS_SURVEYOR]

Oh No! I’ve not given in to anything. No cash! No gas! No going over to visit. It’s just this guilt thing I’m having problems with.

• Love your neighbor as yourself*

Just yesterday I get a text.

“are you at home?”

I pull out and pass her place, she’s not on her porch. I get to where I’m at and text back.

“no I’m some where else.”

“oh! I was hoping you were home so I could get some gas from you. hubby left without leaving me gas money or gas. I have a check but don’t know if I can make it to the bank and get gas. ok I’ll try”

feeling poorly, and caring for the children being stranded on the road on a very hot day, I text back,

“if you run out of gas call me”

“oh I made it, thanks”

she just works on my good works, and wares me out!

 

[Crumpy]

Some people are very manipulative and controlling. I’d hate to be in that situation that you are in.

I don’t do well in that sort of situation because I am too direct with people. I am direct because I want to make sure that I am understood on my terms.

My first urge would be to confront this lady directly, which would probably make future things very bad.

My considered position would be to just stare blankly back at her, giving her no satisfaction. Maybe I’d try to offer her something she didn’t ask for, just to see how she would react. Why not be sincere and turn her down, but offer to pray for her? Can you bring up the subject that her requests make you uncomfortable? Can you find out if she has enough to eat and money to pay her bills? --not that you personally have to solve these problems, but I’m saying don’t give in to her, and don’t lose control of the conversation. If she really needs help, then help her find it.

Perhaps someone making requests like this has a problem with borderline intelligence, and cannot control their urges for that or for another reason.

In some cultures, maybe in our own, too, the better move would be to help the woman in some way. In the Bible culture, it was very bad not to greet strangers and treat them well.

 

[MS_SURVEYOR]

Crumpy that’s where I’m at. I do as you have stated. A ask do you know Jesus? Can we pray? I get back all the same ole, “God is good. We’re all praying.” It’s a shame, but I know they’re not going to be able to stay there long. I’m going to pray and think about this more.

Thanks for helping.

ms

 

[DianaCC]

Oh! It goes on and on.

I am intensely familiar with this problem. I agree with the previous posters about steadfastly not giving in to her, ever. But here’s an interesting experiment that may help you see things more clearly: Ask her for something you can do yourself, and then memorize how she turns you down, and then in the future turn her down in the same way. Because I bet if you ask her for a favor, she will turn you down. She will have some lame excuse. Then use that excuse on her, because you want to send her the message that you’re on to her game.

For example, I had a super-needy friend once who took up a lot of my time. One day I decided to commandeer his afternoon the way he often did it to me, and lo and behold the moment I asked him to sacrifice for me, he unsurprisingly turned me down. (I had to go to a boring wine-and-cheese function and needed a placeholder/warm body/“date” to just make life easier.) Well he responded, “Um, no, that won’t fit into my schedule”. Well his “schedule” consisted of wandering around downtown eating Thai takeout and I knew that because I knew him. So a week later he insisted we go see a movie, in his neighborhood, and I was supposed to google the details and call him back with the plan, and so I said, word-for-word, “Um, no, that won’t fit into my schedule”. That was one of the two or three last conversations we ever had. It worked perfectly.

 

[MS_SURVEYOR]

GEEZZ! I got a hair cut this morning. just happens the lady cutting my hair is a neighbor down the road who I met while burying my friend. We don’t know each other, but she got to chit chatting about where she lived. I recognized her than. I told her who I was, and it all came together. Out the blue she starts tell me about the girl. Oh My! She’s causing trouble everywhere! I didn’t say much except, Oh My! I get home and started working on my lawn mower. Just took a break to look at my phone. She’s text me wanting to get a cup of cat food, and some wild story about her husband not knowing, and not being able to do, and thank God I’m around to help.

First off I’ve never helped her with anything. Second is I’m not going to help her because she’s helping herself to everyone’s christian good giving.

I’m just going to have to have a talk with her and her husband. I’ve got more than enough personal and family troubles to keep me busy.

 

[DianaCC]

I’m just going to have to have a talk with her and her husband.

Two warnings. (1) You will deliberately be misunderstood. (2) She will backfire on you and say you’re mean and selfish. That’s my experience. I used to do the whole sit-down-and-dialogue thing when I was young, but I’ve learned through experience that reacting in the moment/unswerving resistance/ignoring is more effective and takes less time and energy. Also, if she is an adult and needs something this basic spelled out for her, then that’s your sign she won’t be listening to you, since she obviously hasn’t been listening to anyone else all her life, and you are *not *the first person to bring it up. I would sit a kid down, maybe, but if she’s an adult and is doing this, then there is a deep-seated reason why she’s playing the dependency game and you aren’t going to cure her with a little chat. Finally, sitting down with her sends two messages that you don’t really want to send, that this is a bigger issue than it really is, which it isn’t, and that you are somehow interested in having a personal relationship with her, which you are not.

 

[MS_SURVEYOR]

Two warnings. (1) You will deliberately be misunderstood. (2) She will backfire on you and say you’re mean and selfish. That’s my experience. I used to do the whole sit-down-and-dialogue thing when I was young, but I’ve learned through experience that reacting in the moment/unswerving resistance/ignoring is more effective and takes less time and energy. Also, if she is an adult and needs something this basic spelled out for her, then that’s your sign she won’t be listening to you, since she obviously hasn’t been listening to anyone else all her life, and you are *not *the first person to bring it up. I would sit a kid down, maybe, but if she’s an adult and is doing this, then there is a deep-seated reason why she’s playing the dependency game and you aren’t going to cure her with a little chat. Finally, sitting down with her sends two messages that you don’t really want to send, that this is a bigger issue than it really is, which it isn’t, and that you are somehow interested in having a personal relationship with her, which you are not.

That’s what I came up with. Thanks!

I did talk to my priest about her today. He looked almost angry when he gave me his feed back on her. He said people like her were users and abusers that keep good Christians from helping the poor souls that really needed charity. If they really needed help, then help them. But it was not a bad thing to look away. This was not a Love your neighbor as yourself situation.

Thank You All!